37. Ryker
Ryker
Dear Ryker,
Do you remember the day that you asked me to never forget you?
A simple request. I didn’t think much of it.
We were young then. “Never forget me you said.” Your eyes bright and hopeful.
“Of course, I’d never forget you,” I said.
I’d never imagined a time when you wouldn’t be in my mind.
How could I forget the boy who meant so much to me?
This was even before I knew what that feeling was.
How could I ever forget the man whose smiles and frowns turned my heart upside down?
I thought I’d go to my grave waiting for you, if that was how long it took; such was my love.
I gave up today. The pain is too much. My heart is too sore.
I can’t wait anymore. I don’t want to keep falling, falling, falling into your abyss of a soul.
I don’t want to remember you. I don’t want to see your smiles for anyone but me.
It drives me crazy wanting you so badly, but not being able to tell you, not being able to love you.
I never imagined a longing so cutting, an aching so unfamiliar.
I never knew what it was like to feel broken in pieces.
When you look into my eyes and smile, it still lights up my heart.
It still makes me feel like I’m special. How I wish that were true.
So I’m sorry, I can’t honor my promise. I can’t “never forget” you. I can’t do this anymore.
Mila
Dear Mila,
You were wearing a white shirt with a green cardigan.
Your hair was pulled back, a little messy.
You had on a soft pink lipstick and mascara.
You were excited because you were going to a concert the next day with Lara and you had good seats.
You were dancing around the living room with a water bottle, singing along to some horrible Top-40 song.
You stopped abruptly when you saw me standing there watching you.
And then you started laughing. And then I started laughing, and you threw a couch cushion at me for laughing at you.
Even though I told you I was laughing with you.
Your eyes narrowed, and you glared at me, and I laughed some more, my eyes on your lips, wondering for the briefest of seconds what it would be like to kiss you.
Then you walked closer to me, hit me on the shoulder, and I moved back abruptly, uncomfortable at the touch.
Not because I didn’t like you, but because it made me feel something electrifying.
A wave of worry and disappointment crossed your features for the briefest of seconds when I stepped back.
And I knew I’d hurt you. And I hated that.
I then reached over, brushed a wisp of hair from in front of your eyes, and you grinned at me.
And at that moment, I knew you were someone special.
And I said to you, “Promise me that you’ll never forget me and that we’ll always be friends.
” I said that, “if anything ever happens to us and we are ever split by a continent or some unknown situation, I want you to always remember me and to wait, to wait for me to find you, because I would always find you and I would always remember you.” And you smiled at me happily and said, “of course, I’d never forget you.
” And my heart beat then, for what felt like the first time.
And I knew that at that moment, I would do anything to keep you in my memory. In my heart. In my soul.
So, yes, dear Mila, I remember that moment. I remember every moment. I know it seems like I have an abyss of a soul, but I don’t. The hardest part of being me is holding back from you when all I want to do is hold you close for an eternity.
You don’t have to honor your promise, but I’ll always be here. I’ll always remember you, and I’ll always be here waiting. Waiting for the day when it doesn’t have to be this hard.
Ryker