49. Max
FORTY-NINE
MAX
My chest heaves, knee bouncing as I sit on the edge of the bed, phone to my ear as I listen to the ringing.
It took me way too long to build up the courage to call. And I almost didn’t, too tempted to back out, but I can’t keep living like this. Seeing her again at dinner last night, excited as she watched us try the food she’d helped make, laughing and joking with us…I hate having to hold back.
“Hi.”
“Hey, honeybee,” I breathe, some of the tension easing.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I was wondering…are you home?”
“I am.” My head drops forward, and my hand twists in the strands. “Is everything okay?” she prompts when the silence sits too long between us.
“Can I come see you? If you’re not busy?”
My skin itches, feeling tight and too warm as the nerves hit. I’ve no fucking clue what I’m going to say or how she’ll respond. I just know I need to try.
Because after four days of stewing over our talk at the farm, I realised she was right. But she’s not my anchor; she’s the only thing that makes me feel real, like I exist in a world that’s constantly trying to drown me.
“Oh. Yeah, sure. You’re welcome to come over.”
“I’ll come now.”
Not wanting to give myself a chance to back out, I head straight over to hers, stomach twisting when she opens the door with a smile.
Whatever courage I’d initially had has fucked off, though, and I’m stuck pacing back and forth in front of her, struggling to find the words I want to say.
My mouth’s parched and swallowing roughly does nothing to ease the lump rising. I’m a mess. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or not when the fear is riding me hard. It’s as if I’m teetering on the edge of a rooftop, hoping I don't fall.
“I can’t be friends anymore. I need more than that with you, Rosy. I thought I could step back and keep things as friends between us, but I can’t,” I blurt, cringing at my lack of easing into the conversation as I cut myself open, baring my raw self.
Rushing into it has probably ruined my chances.
My stomach twists, knotting itself into pieces when she doesn’t say anything. All I can hear is the blood rushing in my ears. Spinning to face her, I step into her space and grasp both her hands in mine, cupping my larger ones around hers and bringing them to my chest.
Please don’t let me fall.
“I…what? I don’t understand.” She shakes her head, brows pinching as she takes a small step back.
Inside, a huge, jagged hole gapes open.
Before, I didn’t want to risk the heartbreak if things didn’t work out between us, not wanting to find myself back in that dark, lonely place. But watching her fall in love with the others and being unable to have that with her hurts more than I could imagine. I need her.
I miss her.
I miss the easy way we flirt and gravitate towards each other. She steals my breath away with every smile, and even though we agreed to stay friends, my traitorous heart still decided to fall for her. It didn’t matter that I tried not to.
“Being friends isn’t enough. I know I hurt you. Fuck, I’m so sorry, Rosy. I was stupid, and scared, and…stupid. Please forgive me, and give us a chance?”
I’m watching her face so intently I can see the emotions swirl across her features. Shock. Hope. Confusion and…doubt.
That’s not good.
“What’s going through your mind, honeybee?”
Her face cracks on the pet name, her lids fluttering shut briefly as she takes in a shuddering breath.
Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Please don’t turn me away.
“There’s nothing to forgive, Max. We hadn’t made any promises to each other, and you were doing what you felt was right for you.”
Her words are reassuring, but her face is still hesitant and hurt. Fuck, I know I made a mess of this. I don’t think I’ve ever regretted something more, and it’s gutting me that I hurt her.
“But it did hurt when you told me you didn’t want anything more. If you were unsure of things then, what’s to say you won’t do it again further down the line? I’ve been hurt in the past too, and your hesitancy scares me, Max.”
Her voice is a hollow whisper as she breathes out my name, and I hate that my name is no longer laughter on her tongue, a lightness in the air.
Her happiness was a balm before I fucked it all up, and I know I can make her happy again.
I just need her to give me a chance, because this time I won’t fuck up.
I’m in this for as long as she’ll have me.
“I know. Hurting you was the worst part of all of this. But I panicked. I couldn’t see how I wouldn’t end up getting hurt.
I was so used to…not being enough. There was always a way I wasn’t meeting expectations.
I wasn’t clever enough in school, I wasn’t in a fancy career, I wasn’t earning enough, being serious enough, romantic enough.
It was just never enough,” I trail off, feeling the air disperse from my lungs as I show her the shameful, lacking parts of my soul.
Sucking in a long inhale, I meet her eyes; the frustration bleeds out of me as I see the tremble of her chin and the watery sheen in her eyes.
“I hate that you had all that, that you felt like that.” She sniffles and chews on her lip, then pushes back her shoulders. “But you made me feel like that. You made me feel as if I wasn’t enough.”
My heart crashes into the pit of my stomach at the pain in her voice. I hadn’t realised how much damage I’d caused her.
“No, Rosy. That…” My throat closes, my voice cracking as anguish guts me. “That’s so far from how I feel about you. You’re everything, and it’s my fault for making you doubt that.”
Every inhale’s harder. My chest constricts as her wide eyes shine with unshed tears. I frantically rack my brain for the words I need, but there aren’t any. If I want her to trust me, she doesn’t need my words; she needs me to show up.
A tear escapes, sliding a lonely trail down her face, and I know I need to at least try for something.
“There’s no hesitancy within me about us anymore, honeybee. Without a doubt, stepping back has been the worst mistake I’ve ever made. Not being with you hurts more than any heartbreak I’ve ever had before.”
Her breath hitches and more tears flow, the tiny beads escaping and sliding down her quivering chin. Unable to watch her cry and worried she might leave, I step forward and cup her shoulders softly.
“You don’t have to make any promises back, and if you’re unsure at any time, then you can call it quits.
But I’m in this now. I know I can’t make this decision for you; fuck, it would be easier if I could.
” A deprecating laugh chokes out of me. “But I’m here asking you to give me a chance, and I’ll show you I’m all in—every single undeserving part of me.
I’ll be better at showing you how much I want this. ”
Her teary eyes widen at my words. “You’re not undeserving,” she whispers.
Hope flickers in my chest. In this moment, I’m so grateful for the world in creating Rosy’s beautiful, giant heart. Even now, when she’s got tears falling down her breathtaking face, she’s still selfless.
She scrunches her eyes shut, brows furrowing as she sucks her lower lip, nibbling on it.
Fuck me. This is torture. But I know I need to give her the chance to think it over.