12. Noa
twelve
Hours Later
My nervous system is finally calming down.
Levi is asleep in his big-boy bed with four little stitches above his right eyebrow. One fist is wrapped around a rock from his collection. I watch his chest rise and fall from the doorway.
Grateful he’s finally able to rest.
Lake pulls the blanket up and kisses our son’s forehead above the stitches. Joins me as if we tag-team Levi’s bedtime routine every day.
The man’s been with me all night. Backing me up. Standing by my side. Being a rock for Levi.
No, for both of us.
We sat side by side in the ER. I squeezed his hand until my knuckles went white.
When the doctor came in with a curved needle for his stitches, Levi lost his mind when the numbing gel was applied to his head.
Lake was the only person who could comfort him.
He wrapped his arms around our son’s shoulders and whispered hey buddy, hey buddy until his screaming turned into hiccupping.
When it was all over, Lake insisted on leaving his car at the hospital to make sure we got home safely. He climbed in the backseat and let Levi hold his finger the whole way here. Then he helped me get Levi ready for bed and read him bedtime stories until he passed out a few minutes ago.
“I should go.” Lake’s deep voice doesn’t sound convinced.
I nod but don’t move. I don’t want him to leave us, but I also don’t expect him to stay.
He waits a second. Then, quietly, “Noa.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you okay?”
I open my mouth to say yes. The word doesn’t come out. Instead, I push past him and walk to the living room. Sit on the edge of the couch. Put my face in my hands.
Lake closes Levi’s door, the click is almost inaudible. He crosses the room and stands before me. Not too close. Enough.
It’s too much. I can’t help it when I start to cry. Silent, wracking sobs. My shoulders won’t stop moving. At first, Lake doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t try to comfort me. I’m sure he’s confused as hell.
The panic I held together for six hours in the ER is released now.
Coming out sideways. I keep seeing the moment I turned to close the sliding glass door only to find Levi teetering on the coffee table with his little hands outstretched to retrieve his favorite rock from the bookshelf.
My scream when he hit the floor was sheer terror, which didn’t help the situation one bit.
I’m still wrapping my head around the fact that the first person I thought to call was Lake.
I didn’t call my mother or my sponsor or 9-1-1. Instinctively, I reached out to Levi’s father, the man who’s becoming the most important part of our world.
A man I’m falling in love with.
In the months he’s been back in my life, I haven’t allowed myself to even consider the possibility.
Somewhere between playdates at Discovery Park, adventures at the Aquarium, ZooTunes at Woodland Park, our weekly beach walks and the numerous therapy sessions, he’s embedded himself into my heart.
Sadly, it can never be. I don’t deserve a man like him who’s so kindhearted, talented, and loving. I lost my chance when I lied about my identity and ghosted him.
“Hey,” Lake says.
I cry harder.
“Hey.” Softer. He steps closer. Waits. Closes the distance until his hand hovers a second above my back and settles there. Warm. Broad. Still. “Breathe, Noa.”
I try. Fail. I can’t catch my breath.
“He’s okay.” Lake’s voice is soothing. “Look at me. He’s okay. Four stitches is nothing. Even the doctor said it’s a rite of passage. He’s fine.”
“I know he’s okay.” I lift my face out of my hands. My eyes burn. My throat’s raw.
“Then why are you crying?”
“The stress.” I look at him through tears. “Thank you for being so great. I didn’t mean to pull you out of your recording session. When it happened, I didn’t think about it. You were who I wanted to call.”
His face doesn’t change much, but something behind his eyes shifts. “It’s good, baby, isn’t it?”.
“Yes.”
He called me baby.
The first time was at 4 a.m. in his bed in Belltown while my mouth was still wet from him. Today, he said it at the hospital when he thought I was losing my mind. Now, it probably slipped out.
I look at him.
His curls are flat from the rain and there’s a stripe of blood on the shoulder of his hoodie from Levi’s forehead. His green eyes are tired and filled with an expression I recognize.
He wants me as much as I want him.
Instinctively, I’ve known it, but organized it into small compartments to convince myself his affection is only directed at Levi.
Not tonight.
I lean into his shoulder. There’s no plan, my body naturally finds its way closer to his. His arm comes around me and I look up. He breathes in, holds it and releases.
I lift my face and my mouth is on his and I know before I make contact this is the wrong door but I open it anyway. His mouth is soft. His hand comes up to my jaw. Not to stop me.
To hold me in place.
God, he kisses me back. Once. Slow. Again. Then a third time, longer, and somewhere behind his ribs he makes a sound and my body answers with a moan.
Years disappear.
My mouth remembers his mouth. My hands remember his shoulders. His hand slides into my hair ,he falls onto the couch beside me and pulls me across his lap without breaking the kiss until I’m straddling him with my knees on either side of his hips.
Lake’s hands splay across my lower back. His mouth is on my neck.
I forget I’m a sober twenty-five-year-old with a son in the next room. I forget this man is my son’s father and his hoodie has our son’s blood on it and I sink into being with a man I’ve spent years starving for.
His hands are under my shirt. Something in me flips.
It’s not a decision. More like a train switching tracks under me and I don’t comprehend what’s happening until I’m on the other rail.
I slide off his lap onto the floor between his knees. It’s a whole practiced choreography and my body knows every step. Kneeling on the rug between his feet, hands on his thighs, thumbs sliding up the seam of his jeans, eyes up at him under my lashes.
I’ve done this a thousand times in penthouses and villas and on yachts and have made an art of it.
My hands are already on Lake’s belt. Once it’s unbuckled and the zipper is down, my hand hovers at the waistband of his boxers.
He’s hard and I have his cock out and in my mouth, swirling my tongue around the salty pre-come leaking from the crown.
Suddenly, his hands are under my arms. Not rough. Firm.
He lifts me off him back onto the couch beside him. He does this in one clean motion, tucks himself back in and zips his jeans and buckles his belt while I’m still trying to figure out what happened.
His breath is ragged. His eyes are wet. “No, baby.”
The word cracks something in me. I realize he’s not saying it as no. He’s saying it as not this.
I stare at him, shocked. Embarrassed. Humiliated.
“Come here.” Lake pulls me into his chest. My cheek against his hoodie. His hand at the back of my head.
I try to say something. My mouth doesn’t work.
“Listen to me.” Lake’s voice is rough. “I want you. I’ve wanted you for years. I want you tonight. Tomorrow. In a bed. Against a wall. In this pool house and anywhere you’ll let me have you, but I’m not gonna have you on your knees for me when you’re not fully present in the moment.”
I close my eyes. Ashamed.
“We need to talk about what this is between us first,” he continues. “Our son is in the next room. He has to come first.”
I bury my face in Lake’s hoodie. His hand smooths my hair.
“When we do this,” Lake’s voice is careful, “it goes somewhere. Do you hear me? It means something. For him and for us. Levi can’t have his mom and dad fucking on a couch trying to figure it out later.
You and I are coparenting great right now.
If we’re having sex then we damn well will be in a committed relationship.
I’m crazy about you, Noa. I’d like to take things to the next level. ”
I can’t look at him. He must think the worst of me, and he’d be right.
“Do you want to do this for real with me?” He tentatively kisses the top of my head.
I nod because, I love this man. I want the three of us to be a family.
Lake murmurs against my hair, “Say it out loud, baby.”
“Yes,” I whisper into his hoodie. “Yes.”
His arm tightens around me. We sit for a long minute holding each other.
Lake whispers, “On the couch. What happened? You disappeared right before my eyes.”
I tense. He noticed the switch at the same time I felt it. As much as I want this man, he deserves to know the truth so he can make his choice to be with me freely.
I pull back from his chest. Take a deep breath and wipe my face with the heels of my hands. “My past…it’s not easy to talk about.”
“Okay…” He searches my eyes.
“I don’t know how.” I squeeze my eyes shut.
He takes my hand. “Take your time, I’m not going anywhere.”
The pool house is quiet. My counselor told me in rehab, shame is a place I’ve embraced in order to hide from rejection. She made me promise not to settle for anyone who couldn’t accept all of me. I guess now’s the time to find out if Lake’s the guy who can handle it.
“My past is shocking, Lake. The drugs aren’t the worst part.” I bring my gaze to his. “I’m fucked up when it comes to sex.”
His jaw sets, but he doesn’t interrupt.
“It started in boarding school when I was a shy, obedient girl. An older boy asked me out, he filmed himself taking my virginity for the whole school to see. By my senior year of college, I was a sex addict with a drug habit who thought it was industrious to be a high-priced whore…Neeley…” I wince, but manage to continue, “The night I met you, when I relapsed, was the last time I had sex. As Neeley. The next morning, my parents’ intervention saved my life.
Having Levi saved my soul. The truth is, I’ve put my body through things I have a hard time comprehending, let alone admitting out loud.
Especially to somebody I love. I can’t help but think you deserve more. ”
Lake takes in my confession with surprising calm, maybe because he’s endured a different kind of trauma and come out to the other side. “No, you deserve more. It sounds like you’ve been through hell.”
“I don’t know how to reconcile how I feel about you with what I did tonight.
I want to believe Neeley is who I used to be.
” I make sure to keep eye contact though I want to run and hide.
“Performative. Disassociated. Focused on pleasure, not emotions. I don’t know how to be intimate as Noa, which terrifies me. ”
My confession sits in the air between us. Lake studies me a long time. A tear spills from his eye. He slides his hand around the back of my neck. Warm. Solid. Pulls my forehead against his.
“Baby.” His voice is broken. “I understand. More than you know. Until I met Diego and then Ty, I couldn’t trust anyone not to hurt me. Healing doesn’t stop, it’s ongoing. Let’s find Noa together. I’ve got you.”
I lean in so my forehead rests against his. Soak this beautiful man in.
Truthfully, I don’t know what happens next. I’m scared. He could wake up tomorrow and have a hundred questions I don’t know how to answer. He might second-guess whether he wants a future with me.
Lake leans back. “I’m gonna go home. Levi’s fine. Tomorrow, if you think it’s okay, let’s stick to the plan.”
We walk to the door where he turns and places his palm against my cheek. Holds it there. His thumb moves against my cheek before he slips out. I watch him cross the deck to the pathway and disappear around the pool.
On my way to bed, I check on Levi. Watch his chest rise and fall. Place my hand on his belly and feel him breathe. Satisfied, I go through my nightly routine and climb into bed.
My phone buzzes on the nightstand.
Lake: By the way, I love you too.
I read it a few times. Click on the heart.
Lie back on the pillow.
Close my eyes.
For the first time in forever, I feel light.