Chapter 41
Chapter Forty-One
Katya
The restaurant Leon picked out is incredible.
Not just the privacy, the atmosphere, and the cozy little table he reserved for us, but the food too.
We both decided to indulge in several options for our main courses, sharing the most buttery lobster, perfectly cooked beef Wellington, lemon zest pasta with scallops, and a rich lamb and potatoes dish that Leon seemed to enjoy most.
Our conversation has mostly involved the children in one way or another, but we’ve delved deeper too. Childhood stories have been shared, and with a few questions bouncing between us, I feel like I’m slowly getting to know my husband more and more.
He hates swimming in the ocean because he was stung by a jellyfish both times he tried.
He hates beets, clams, and grapefruit—a fact that came up after discussing how Leo and Bastian will eat just about anything while Leon and I have things we’d prefer to avoid.
I’ve also learned that my husband was close with his mother before she passed. Well, before she ended her own life.
I don’t even remember how the topic came up, but Leon didn’t make it awkward or even too sad.
He spoke frankly about the difficult time in his life, and made sure to warn me that many of his brothers didn’t have a good relationship with their mother.
Alina was her name, and he made no excuses for her when he explained her strained ability to be a loving parent.
Matteo, his youngest brother, particularly dislikes speaking about her and refuses to call her his mother.
Leon doesn’t begrudge him for it, and freely admits that he’s likely one of his only siblings that has positive memories of his mother.
He was the only baby she had who looked like her, and whether that endeared him to her or if it was something else, he felt loved by the woman.
He was lost when she took her own life, but eventually he came to accept that as well.
She had a fatal brain tumor, and she wanted to go out on her own terms, he reasoned. She went to every doctor she could find and there was no cure. She felt like she had no reason to keep living.
She had nine reasons to stay alive for every moment she could, I wanted to argue but didn’t.
I have no idea how her tumor influenced her thinking, or how much pain she put up with.
I can’t judge a woman I’ve never met, even if I believe I could never hurt Bastian and Leo the way her loss must have hurt the young Moretti boys.
“It was nice of your dad to stay and watch the kids for us,” I say, putting my fork down and resisting the urge to pat the small bump in my stomach from being overly stuffed.
If he suggests ordering dessert, I might just keel over.
Our conversation about his mother just recently ended, and I think it’s only right that I try to open up about something just as personal and meaningful.
“You know, Leo asked me about my dad the other day.”
“Did he?” Leon asks, stopping his wine glass from reaching his lips. “Are you okay? Do you want me to ask him not to bring that topic up again?”
“No, no,” I hurry to reply, shaking my head. “He was just curious, he didn’t mean any harm. It just reminded me that you’ve never asked. And I mean, I’ve never brought it up but we just talked about your mother, and—”
“You don’t need to force yourself to talk about something you’re uncomfortable with just because I shared something with you.
This isn’t tit for tat.” His words are meant to be reassuring, and they are, but I still want to try and talk about this.
I’ve been holding in my memories and my pain where my father is concerned since the day he died.
I never talked to my mom after it happened, no matter how much she tried to get me to share my feelings.
The guilt was too thick then, and it didn’t matter that she knew exactly what happened.
I didn’t care that she didn’t place blame in my direction even once, that she never even hinted at being disappointed in me.
I was disappointed in myself, and the blame I placed on my shoulders was heavy enough to keep me weighed down.
“I want to,” I admit with a small rasp. “I don’t know what you know about him, or how he died.”
He takes the pause in my speech as a cue to answer a question unasked. “I know Jakub Luká? was considered an honorable man. I know that he was a relatively high ranking officer of the Slovakian mafia in New York City, and I know that he was killed by traitors.”
My throat goes tight and I swallow, trying to clear the tension there.
“He was,” I agree, blinking to keep any tears from being able to well up.
“He was a good man, and a good father. He taught me how to ride a bike, and how to tie my shoes…and he was killed by traitors. Traitors I let into our house.”
Leon’s face becomes blurry as my eyes water against my will. “Katya…”
“It’s fine,” I sniff, dabbing underneath my eyes. “I want to get through this.”
He watches as I steady myself, patiently waiting for me to continue.
“Jozef Balá? was my father’s best friend. I called him Uncle Jozef and everything. He would always come over to drink with my dad, and sometimes for dinner with the whole family too. So, I didn’t think anything of it when he came to our door that night.”
I can still remember it like it was yesterday.
He was smiling, giving away absolutely no signs of malice.
He told me I was growing fast, patted my head, and led himself further into the house with one of his men behind him.
I’d never seen him before, at least, I didn’t think I had. But that wasn’t unusual either.
“My mom wasn’t home, and my dad was working in his office, so I had to unlock the door to let Jozef in.
I’d done it before, and he wasn’t a stranger so it wasn’t like I could have expected…
” Shaking my head, I let that sentence die out and get back on track.
“I didn’t know that they had a fight earlier that day, and that Uncle Jozef was caught doing something bad.
He went into my father’s office with an associate he brought with him.
I figured he was just a new guy or a guard who needed to report to my dad. ”
Quickly reaching for my water, I take a shaky sip to wet my throat and exhale.
“They didn’t bother to try and hide what they did.
They shot my father ten times, and ran out of my house while I was still screaming.
I didn’t understand anything. Why it was happening, why they let me see them if they were going to commit such a horrible crime, none of it made any sense.
All I knew was that my father was murdered, and I let the killers inside.
I smiled at them, wanting to be polite and represent my family well. And they just…”
“Katya, baby, you have to know—”
“I know,” I interrupt, knowing exactly what he’s going to say.
Tipping my head back an inch to keep my tears from falling, I dab underneath them with a clean cloth napkin.
“I…Part of why I wanted to bring this up is I think that becoming a mom, even if the boys aren’t ready for me to fully take on that role, has helped me heal a part of myself.
It wasn’t instantaneous, and I don’t think I even noticed it at first. But the guilt I used to feel for my part in my father’s death was unbearable for years.
I would get sick just thinking about it, and did my best to avoid it. ”
“And now?”
“And now, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I could never blame Bastian or Leo if they were in my place. Whether they were ten years old like me, six, or sixteen, it wouldn’t even cross my mind to think they’re at fault for something so uncontrollable.
I let a man who I trusted, who I thought my father trusted, into my house and nothing more.
I think it’s time that I give that ten-year-old girl inside me the freedom to realize that too. ”
“Didn’t anyone ever tell you they could have just broken in?
” Leon asks, seeming almost rigid. “They tried knocking first because it’s less of a hassle to get the drop on him without the sound of a break-in to alert him.
But with or without you there, they would have gotten into that house, they would have outnumbered him, and they would have killed him, Katya.
You played no role in traitors being traitors. ”
Hearing the certainty in his voice makes me choke up even more.
“I don’t even know if my mom was aware that I felt responsible,” I admit in a whisper.
“I refused to talk about it with her, and I still haven’t.
” But maybe I will now. “I felt like I could tell you and that you’d hear me, you know?
That you’d understand somehow. I mean, my mom knew exactly what happened and I don’t think she ever assumed I felt guilty.
But you were about to tell me it wasn’t my fault before I even finished the story.
Talking to you feels natural, I suppose. I feel like we get each other.”
Leon reaches across the table to take my hand in his. “I think we understand each other too.”
“I never thought about them breaking in, you know? But you’re right, they could have gotten inside with or without me.
” Squeezing his hand, I try to let the tension in my shoulders drop.
“I think my dad would be devastated to know that his daughter blamed herself for his death for thirteen years. But I also think he’d be happy to see me learning for myself that children can’t be at fault for the sins of adults.
I think he’d be happy that I’m becoming a mom. ”
“You have no idea how it affects me to hear you call yourself their mother,” Leon declares, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. “Seeing how much you care for them is a relief like no other, Katya. You’ve made our family whole.”
His words make my chest swell with warmth.
Clearing his throat, he looks down at the table and then back up at me. “And since we’re having such a deep conversation, I feel like I should tell you something.”
My stomach drops, his serious tone hitting me with worry immediately.
“Is something wrong?”
“I’m dealing with it,” he prefaces, his lips rolling in. “I wanted to keep it from you until it was handled completely, but after tonight, it would feel wrong to have any kind of secret from you—even one that’s meant to protect you.”
“Leon, you’re scaring me a little bit here,” I admit, trying to urge him to spit it out.
“The reason I was out of the house for so long the day that I didn’t want to talk about it? It’s because I was dealing with some very nasty rumors about our family and finding the source of them while punishing the people who dared to repeat them.”
“Our family?” I frown, leaning closer to him. “Like us and the kids? What could anyone possibly say about us?”
“I’d prefer not going into it too deeply unless you want to hear more, but essentially, it has been going around that Leo is our biological son.
That you’ve been my mistress for years, and that I either killed Cleo or waited for her sickness to kill her so I could be with you and my other son.
It’s a flimsy theory at best, given I would never allow my child to be hidden away from me for three years, and you would never give him to Cleo and I for a year while she slowly died from her condition. ”
My mouth falls open, but I can’t think of any words to push out of it.
“And despite Cleo giving me permission to pursue an affair, I never had one. Unless you consider an almost-kiss an affair.” Leon winces like he’s just realized something.
“That’s another thing I should probably tell you about.
I honestly forgot about it since it was just…
nothing. It gave me the courage to ask Cleo for a change in our dynamic or a divorce which led to her revealing her death sentence.
So in hindsight, the almost-kiss was a blip. ”
“This is so much information at once,” I reply, blinking rapidly.
“I’m trying to lay it all out on the table,” Leon tells me, polishing off his wine in a quick gulp. “The almost-kiss was so long ago, and it didn’t happen, but I feel like I need you to know because it was Rayna.”
I choke on my saliva, coughing it down. “You almost kissed your brother’s wife?”
“No, God no,” he denies, shaking his head fervently.
“They weren’t together at the time, they didn’t even like each other, actually.
And it wasn’t about her. It wasn’t about me for her either.
We were both just lonely and caught up in the moment.
She’s a good friend to me, and a great aunt for the kids, but that’s all she is. I promise.”
“I believe you.” I swallow, meaning it. “Thank you for telling me.”
“I should have done it sooner,” he laments, looking regretful as he turns his lips down. “I was always going to tell you about the rumors, I just wanted the people responsible for them to be dead first. I didn’t mean for the almost-kiss to be some kind of secret, though.”
“Hey, it’s okay,” I insist, digesting the information further.
“We never really talked about our pasts with other people. It would be unfair to expect you to be fully transparent when the conversation never even came up.” Rayna has never given me the impression that she’s anything other than madly in love with Apollo, and Leon has never given me cause to fear that he has feelings for her either.
“And I understand why you would keep the rumors from me. They’re…
it’s a bit heartbreaking to hear that someone would try to tarnish our sweet little family for no apparent reason.
Did you figure out where it started or why? ”
“Where? Yes,” he answers firmly. “Why? Not yet.”
A promise, I realize.
“Tell me everything when it’s done, then,” I offer, leaning back in my chair. “I trust you, Leon.”
“I trust you too, Katya,” he breathes out. “I just wish I didn’t turn our first date into such a mess.”
The corners of my lips edge up into a smile. “I’ve enjoyed every bit of this mess, even the sad and heavy parts. It’s honest, and honesty is the marker of a true relationship.”
He looks lighter, taking in my claim.
“Besides, we still have plenty of time to turn this date around.”
“Dessert?” he asks, eyebrows crawling up.
Maybe I could go for something sweet, after all.