Chapter 10 #2
“Hi,” I croak. I rub my hands over my face, trying to catch any stray tears that leaked out and make myself look less like I’m falling apart.
I know it doesn’t work when Hal’s face falls as he gets a good look at me. His light green eyes shine with an emotion that looks a lot like heartbreak for a girl he barely knows. “Oh, wild girl, what happened?”
I mutely shake my head, not trusting my voice to come out steady. After staring at me for a moment, Hal wraps an arm around me and pulls me against his chest. I stiffen for a moment before going almost limp in his arms, something about him putting me at ease.
I fist his black hoodie as I try not to break apart in front of a relative stranger. Hal rocks me gently back and forth as I cobble myself together well enough to hold a conversation with him, even though I really don’t feel like talking to anyone.
After a couple of minutes, I pull back and duck my head, unable to look at him after the strangely intimate moment. “Sorry,” I mumble.
“’Bout what?”
I shrug. “Being a mess.”
He huffs a laugh. “We’re all messes. Every last one of us. Some people just hide it better than others.” Hal pauses for a moment, and I hear rustling. “Want some Skittles?”
I turn to look at him in confusion. “What?”
He shakes a bright red bag of candy. “Eating something sweet always makes the hard parts of life feel a little better, at least for me. So… you want some?”
“Sure,” I reflexively reply before I even have a chance to think it through.
Hal grips the hand I hold out in his, steadying it. My breath catches in my throat at the touch. He then pours a handful of Skittles into my palm before reluctantly releasing me. Giving me a small smile, he turns back to look at the water as I pop a few into my mouth.
We quietly munch on candy together for a few minutes, neither of us saying anything. Hal’s right that the sugar rush makes everything feel a little less crushing.
“So… you wanna talk about what happened?” Hal asks.
Not particularly, but I get the feeling Hal’s not going to let it go.
I try to shrug as casually as I can to keep Hal from asking about it further. “I just had a bad dream about my sister.”
Does it count as a nightmare if it’s just memories jumbled together? During the day, I get a slight reprieve from what happened. But at night, I relive it over and over and over until I make myself sick.
I wake up most nights screaming Wren’s name, like that’ll do anything to fix it.
That’s one of the reasons I moved out from Charlie and Coop’s place.
We originally lived there together when we first moved down here.
But I moved out three months ago because I don’t need Charlie and Coop to see how messed up I still am.
The two of them already worry about me way too much. I want them to be able to live their lives instead of fussing over me. I already destroyed one life because no one thinks I can take care of myself, and I refuse to do it again.
Neither them nor their parents like that I’m living on my own in a rundown apartment complex. But all of them know better than to try to put me into another pretty cage. I don’t think I’m strong enough to survive that again.
I see Hal looking at me from the corner of my eye, but I don’t turn to face him. “What happened to make it a bad dream?”
Closing my eyes at the question, I debate making up a reason. But something in me recoils at the thought of lying to Hal. Blowing out a breath, I open my eyes and stare sightlessly at the churning water that looks black under the moonlight.
“It ended with the night she… died,” I choke out, struggling to even say the word.
It feels like if I say that Wren’s dead out loud, it’ll make it real. If I don’t ever say it, then there’s some chance that she might come back, despite logically knowing that’s not how it works.
There’s a beat of silence before Hal wraps an arm around me and tugs me into his side. I let him and lay my head on his chest, listening to the steady thump of his heart. “I’m so fucking sorry, wild girl.”
“Me too,” I rasp.
He holds me quietly for a long moment before whispering into my hair, “When did it happen?”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Six months ago.”
Hal makes a pained noise in his throat and hugs me tighter to him. “No wonder you look like your heart is breaking all the time. Hardly any time at all has passed. When I lost my twin, I couldn’t function for, like, two years straight. I’m impressed that you’re even out of bed right now, honestly.”
I pull back to look at him in shock. “You lost your twin?”
From how upbeat Hal is all the time, I’d never have guessed that he lost anyone or was hiding any heartbreak behind his perpetually laughing green eyes.
He gives me a sad smile. “Yeah. My twin, Camdon, died when we were fourteen.”
“I’m so sorry, Hal. What happened?” I ask before wincing and realizing how rude that question is. I sure as hell don’t want to talk about what happened with Wren. Not now and probably not ever. “I shouldn’t have asked that. I’m sorry.”
His lips tip up at my apology. “You’re good.
It happened long enough ago that I don’t mind talking about it anymore.
Talking about Cam makes me feel closer to him, too.
He died when the two of us were attacked while we were goofing off in the woods.
It happened a very, very long time ago, and I still miss him every day. ”
His voice is steady on the surface, but I can hear the undercurrent of pain. The type of pain that steals your breath and feels like someone shoved a hot knife into your chest.
My heart hurts for Hal. I have the urge to give him a hug, not even remotely having any words to say to make any of this better. Biting my lip, I eye him for a moment before giving in to the impulse and throwing my arms around his broad shoulders.
He stiffens in surprise before banding his arms around me and crushing me to his chest. Hal buries his face in my neck as he holds on to me like I’m the only thing anchoring him in a violent storm.
I hug him for as long as he needs, trying to lend him the little strength I have. I absently run my fingers through his brown hair and gently scratch his scalp until he groans into my neck. His hot breath feathers over the sensitive skin there, and I shiver as he pulls back.
Giving me a smile brimming with emotion that I can’t quite place, Hal slings his arm back around my shoulder and tucks me into his side.
There’s a beat of silence before I hesitantly whisper, “Does it ever get better?”
Hal closes his eyes for a moment before he opens them and stares down at me with sorrow and hope warring in his gaze.
“I wish I could tell you yes, wild girl. I wish I could tell you being without my twin doesn’t still feel like a gaping hole in my heart all these years later.
I wish I could tell you that, one day, you’ll hardly think about your sister at all.
But I can’t. Because the truth is that, some days, it still guts me that Cam isn’t here.
I still have bad days where I miss him so damn much I can barely get out of bed.
But, even with all of that, there’s still joy and love and laughter in my life.
There’s still happiness. There are still so many reasons to be here.
And there will be for you too. I promise. ”
I stare up at him with a hope I haven’t felt in a long time. “How can you be sure?”
He pulls back to look down at me. “Because, even though I haven’t known you for very long, I can still see how damn strong you are.
You are strong enough to make it through this and to come out the other side happier and whole.
You are strong enough to make this life the one you want.
You are strong enough to heal, even when it feels impossible. ”
Tears burn my eyes at his words, but I refuse to let them fall.
Hal’s wrong. I’m not strong, and I never have been. Wren was the strong one, and despite what Coop thinks, I know she’d handle my death a hell of a lot better than I’m dealing with hers.
When I don’t say anything, Hal sighs and pulls me tightly against him. He doesn’t say anything for several minutes.
“Wanna get some ice cream?” he asks out of nowhere. When I look up at him in confusion, he grins down at me. “We’ve been over this, wild girl. Sugar makes everything better. And there’s nothing that can fill a hole in your heart like ice cream. Trust me.”
I snort at how earnest he looks.
Glancing at the time on his chunky silver watch, I roll my eyes. “Hal, it’s two in the morning. No one’s open right now.”
He just gives me an indulgent smile, like I’m cute for worrying about operating hours and other silly things. “I know a place that’ll be open. If you want it, I’ll make it happen.”
Against my better judgment, I find myself nodding.
Spending time with Hal is like the first time you feel warm sunshine on your face after months of dark and desolate winter. He has a way about him that makes me feel lighter from just a simple conversation, and I’m not ready to let that feeling go yet.