Chapter 21
LARK
Azrael looks around the foyer through bloodshot eyes. His gaze briefly skirts over the now-empty space before landing on me.
I don’t know where Colt and Hal went while I was in the study, but maybe it’s a good thing they’re not here to witness the impending shit show.
When he realizes it’s me, Azrael’s upper lip lifts in a snarl. He storms over to me, the thud of his heavy boots on the marble ominous.
I start backing up in the face of his obvious wrath without even realizing it. Before I can decide whether to turn around and run, my back brushes the wall, and he’s in my face. He slams his hands next to my head, hard enough to dent the drywall.
I’m proud of myself that I only flinch a little at that. But that small movement just seems to stoke the fires of his anger.
“When the fuck are you going to grow a backbone and stand up for yourself?” he snarls at me, close enough that I can smell the alcohol on his breath. “Or are you too weak? You let everyone walk all over you, and you’re content to let your weakness get others hurt. It’s fucking disgusting.”
His words arrow straight into the still broken and bloody part of my heart after Wren’s death. He’s right, though. If I were less of a coward and pushover, Wren would’ve never married Marcus.
She’d still be here.
I can’t fight the tears that trail down my cheeks as I try not to drown in how much I fuck everything up. “You’re right,” I whisper.
Because he is. He’s one of the only people here who sees the real me. The me I try so hard to hide and change. The me I wish were gone instead of Wren.
My agreement just enrages him further.
“That’s all you fucking have to say for yourself? You’re pathetic.” Azrael lifts his hand from the wall suddenly, and I flinch back, bracing for a blow that never comes. He’s silent for a beat too long before leaning down and roaring, “I’m nothing like him!”
I swallow hard and open my mouth to apologize. For what, I don’t even know, but I never get the chance because he’s yanked back.
I stare at Colt in confusion as he slams Azrael into the now-closed front door. He throws a punch that Azrael doesn’t even try to dodge. It lands with a sickening crack as blood from Azrael’s nose flies everywhere.
When Azrael doesn’t make a move to defend himself, Colt shakes his head and steps back.
He takes a deep breath before pinning his friend with a glare so icy I feel chilled to the bone.
“You get to have your problems. You get to be fucked up and struggling. But what you absolutely don’t get to do is take out your damage on Lark.
Go clean yourself up and fucking sleep it off. ”
He dismisses Azrael without a backward glance as he stomps over to me.
Without uttering a word, he lifts me up by my hips and holds me against his strong frame.
I wrap my arms and legs around him, not wanting to be dropped.
He storms up the stairs with me in his arms, leaving Azrael to sort out his problems alone.
My heart breaks for the sorrow and self-hatred I see in his liquid gold gaze as we move out of view.
When we reach the top of the stairs, we hook a right and walk for a little while before I hear Rook ask, “What happened?”
Colt sighs and lets me slide down his body. He spins me so that my back is to his front and I’m facing Rook.
When Rook gets a look at my red eyes and tear-streaked cheeks, his face falls and he rushes forward until he’s pressed against my front. He places his hands on my waist and gives me a comforting squeeze.
“Azrael happened.” Colt sounds like he’s about five seconds away from hunting down Azrael and giving him a beatdown. Hopefully I can stop him from hurting his friend any further if it comes to that.
“What the hell did he do to her?” Rook growls. “Jesus fucking Christ, he’s going to lose all of us if he keeps treating her like this.”
My heart thumps painfully in my chest at that. It’s easy to see how close the five of them are. The fact that Rook would destroy his friendship because he doesn’t like how Azrael treats me makes me feel like I matter to him. Although, the last thing I want is to come in between any of them.
Colt’s chest rumbles behind me. “I don’t know what all he did. I walked in when he was screaming at her that she was pathetic. I kinda lost it at that and don’t really know what else happened until I was punching the fucker in the nose.”
Rook’s eyes tighten in anger before he softens his expression.
Cupping my face in his hands, he strokes his thumbs over my cheekbones, wordlessly trying to reassure me.
“Oh, dove. You know that and whatever other nonsense he spewed wasn’t true.
He’s dealing with his own shit and taking it out on you. ”
I’m shaking my head before he even finishes. “It’s all true,” I choke out as a sob rips out of my chest. I clamp my mouth shut until I can be sure words instead of cries are going to come out. “Everything he said was true.”
“What makes you say that?” Rook asks gently, instead of continuing to argue with me. I don’t know how he knows that I’d keep arguing until the end of time right now, but he clearly realizes that’s not the way to make me feel better.
I squeeze my eyes closed because I can’t bear to look at him when I softly admit, “Because I’m the reason my sister is dead.”
Colt’s hands flex on my hips, and Rook traces small circles on my waist. But neither of them says anything immediately.
Rook’s quiet for long enough that I cautiously peek my eyes open. That must’ve been what he was waiting for.
As soon as my gaze is locked on his misty gray one, he says, “I don’t know what happened with your sister, dove. What I do know is that you care deeply about others and love fiercely. If there was anything you could’ve done to save her, you would’ve. I have no doubt in my mind about that.”
“But I didn’t. I was too self-absorbed to see what was happening before it was too late. I let her down, and now she’s gone. And I can’t ever make it right.” My voice breaks, and a fresh wave of tears slips out.
Before Rook can respond, Colt places his hands on my hips and spins me around to face him. He brushes the tears off my cheeks before cupping my face in his hands and making me look up at him.
“Sometimes we let down the people who mean the world to us. Sometimes we don’t even realize it until it’s too late. Sometimes we never get the chance to make it right—no matter how much we wish we could. That doesn’t make you a bad person, sweetheart. That doesn’t mean you deserve to hurt.”
I scoff. “What do you know about letting people down, Colt? You’re the poster boy for having it all together and always being there for everyone. You regularly volunteer with orphans, for fuck’s sake. There’s not an ounce of fuckup in you.”
He huffs a laugh. “I was supposed to be there the night my mom was killed, and Remy was hurt in the attack. But I wanted to hang out with a friend instead, so I left them on their own. If I had been there, maybe she would’ve lived and Remy wouldn’t be scarred for life.
Trust me, Lark, I know more than anyone ever should about letting down the people you love. ”
“I’m sorry,” I croak.
He gives me a bittersweet smile. “It’s okay, sweetheart. It happened a long time ago. I’ve dealt with my grief and anger and self-hatred. I’m okay now, and, one day, you will be too.”
My bottom lip wobbles as I try to fight back more of the damn tears. “It doesn’t feel like it.”
“I know. And it’s probably not going to feel like it for a long time. But if you surround yourself with people who get it and care about you, you’ll get there. You’ll eventually be able to forgive yourself, and life won’t hurt so much anymore.”
“What if I don’t want to forgive myself?”
It’s not like I deserve it. There will never be anything I can do in this life to make up for what happened to Wren. Without atoning, how can I be absolved?
He shrugs. “Then you’ll end up like Azrael.”
I’m quiet as I mull over everything he said. My heart hurts for Colt and all he’s gone through but also for Azrael.
Even though Azrael’s been an asshole in ninety percent of our interactions, I still feel for him. If I look hard enough, it’s easy to see how much he’s hurting, and that hurt is why he acts as he does.
At the same time, struggling doesn’t give him a free pass to be a dick. It’s each individual’s responsibility not to take out their pain on others. If I can manage not to be a raging jackass to everyone, I bet he could too.
After we’ve been standing in the hallway for several minutes, Colt lets his hands drop away from my face and steps back. “You wanna go watch the movie now? Or do you wanna head home? No one will be upset at you if you’d rather bail after everything.”
The last thing I want is to be alone with my thoughts right now. A movie with guys I’m starting to care too much about sounds like the perfect distraction.
“I still want to. Do I look like I’ve been crying?” I swipe my hands over my cheeks a few times, hoping that can erase any signs. I don’t want everyone else to know what happened.
Colt runs his gaze over me before grimacing. “A little. Your eyes and nose are still pretty red.”
I huff a laugh at how apologetic he looks for telling me the truth.
“You can use my bathroom to freshen up,” Rook offers. “Splashing cold water on your face might help with the redness.”
I flash him a relieved smile over my shoulder. “That would be great, thank you.”
Although, I’m a little confused why he has a room at Colt and Remy’s dads’ house. I figured the guys lived primarily at the loft over their shop. They must spend a decent chunk of time here, though, if they all have rooms.
“I’ll go make sure everything’s ready for you, then. Anything you want to watch?” Colt asks.
“Nothing sad, please.” I’d like to be done crying for the rest of the night, thank you very much.