Chapter 42
forty-two
MAVERICK
“Can we talk?” I ask Ezra. He’s sitting on the couch with his laptop again, frowning at the screen.
“It’s been a pretty emotional day,” he says, but I can see the flash of vulnerability in his eyes.
“Yeah,” I agree, rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly. “I’m not sure how to start this conversation or what to say, but we’re all stuck here together because I’m not going to leave either of you, and it’s not safe for you or Jo to be anywhere else.”
“I’m not going to stand in your way if you want to explore something with her,” he says, but won’t look at me. “I get it. Jo is great.”
“What the fuck, Ezra?” I shout, making him jump.
He looks at me, eyes wide in alarm. “That’s it?
You held on for eight years and you just give up at the first sign of someone else caring about me?
Were you just claiming to still love me out of guilt or some fucked-up sense of obligation to me?
” My chest is heaving, and my eyes are stinging with tears I refuse to shed. I’ve cried enough over this man.
“That’s what you think?” Ezra stands, eyes blazing. “That I don’t love you because I want you to be happy? Even if it’s not with me?”
“I loved you, Ezra! I loved you madly! But you’re just giving up and I’m supposed to, what?
Just forget every lonely night I spent wishing you were sleeping next to me?
Forget every moment I worried you were actually dead and had taken my heart to your grave with you?
I’m just supposed to forget that and be whole enough to love someone else? Hope Jo can fix what you broke?”
“You loved me,” Ezra says, voice quiet and broken. “But not anymore.”
“I don’t know you! How would I know if I still love you or if I can love who you’ve become?”
“You guys should take this time to get to know each other again.”
Ezra and I both whip around to see Jo standing in front of the glass door. She gives us a weak smile, her hands wrapped around a mug.
“I set up an air mattress in the gym. I’ll take that, and Maverick can have my room. Keep your bed.”
“Ezra, you really don’t—”
“It’s fine, Bambi. I’ll be more than comfortable.”
Jo nods and makes her way upstairs without even sparing me a glance.
“I can take the air mattress,” I say as I watch Jo disappear up the stairs.
“Take the bed, Maverick.” Ezra leaves without another word.
Ezra’s room is just like the rest of the house.
Whoever designed it really wanted to make sure you knew there was an ocean right outside the house.
Although I’m not sure how you could forget.
I can hear the waves crashing against the cliffs, and the windows aren’t even open.
Plus, the moment you step outside it smells like ocean.
It reminds me of the town I grew up in. The thought makes me shiver. I have no desire to ever go back there.
I realize my bags are in here as I make my way over to the large bed in the center of the room.
Ezra must have moved them from the car while I was in Jo’s room.
Showing up here makes me feel like I’ve royally fucked up everything.
Jo and Ezra were obviously fine alone, but my incessant need to be with them has blown everything up.
Well, the actual bomb did that first, but the metaphorical one Jo dropped did the rest. Which wouldn’t have happened if I just stayed with the group.
I sigh, not knowing about her feelings for me doesn’t mean they disappear.
Plopping down face-first onto the bed, my eyes immediately well up.
The pillow smells like him. The scent of his shampoo that he must still use invades my senses and closes my throat.
I used to fall asleep in his arms with the scent of him in my nose.
Sometimes I still wake up smelling it like he was still next to me.
I used to make fun of him for the spicy bourbon scent, telling him he was an old man, but I always secretly loved it.
Maybe it wasn’t much of a secret because whenever I joked about it, he would just smile and kiss me.
I don’t know what to do or how to sort my feelings for anyone or anything.
Jo and Ezra are both hurting, and it’s my fault.
Maybe not directly, but I still had a hand in the pain they’re feeling right now.
I hate myself for it even if it was unavoidable.
Closing my eyes, I can only hope that tomorrow brings answers.