Chapter 47
forty-seven
EZRA
Jo doesn’t look up or even acknowledge me as I take a seat beside her. It’s cold out here with the wind blowing off the sea, but I can see why she likes this spot so much. It’s all blue ocean and white cap waves for as far as the eye can see. I’m not sure she’s seeing anything right now, though.
“Look, I know you hate me because you’re in love with Maverick—”
“That’s not why I hate you, Ezra,” Jo interrupts, ruining the entire speech I had planned about how we needed to get along.
That she doesn’t deny being in love with him is a hit to the gut, even though I was expecting it.
I’m pretty sure the only one not aware of how deep Jo’s feelings run is Maverick.
“Why then?” I ask, trying to keep my cool.
“You know about the podcast Harlow and I have.” It’s not a question, but I nod anyway. “The very first episode was about your case. Did you listen to it?” Her gaze moves to mine, locking me in with its intensity.
“No. I didn’t want to torture myself by hearing the people I care about miss me.”
“You should listen to it,” she says, then her gaze turns into a glare. “No. You need to listen to it. You need to hear the pain and heartbreak in Maverick’s voice. Hell, in all their voices! Then you’ll understand.”
“I didn’t have a choice!” I shout, the tentative grip I had on my temper disappearing completely. I let her take her anger out on me because I knew she needed the release, but I won’t continue to be her punching bag.
“We always have a choice, Ezra.” Jo’s voice is barely a whisper as she stands up, glaring at me for a moment and then making her way back inside the house.
“Fuck!” I yell, pulling at my hair, the pain centering me.
I don’t want to do what she’s asked. I didn’t want to listen to that episode when it came out, and I sure as hell don’t want to listen to it now.
But I have to if we’re going to move past this.
All three of us are in a state of limbo and avoiding each other. I need to try to fix what I broke.
My fingers shake as I pull up the podcast and hit play on the first episode.
“My name is Harlow.”
“And I’m Jo.”
“And welcome to Melt the Ice.”
Sobs wrack my body as I struggle to breathe.
My tears are being whipped away by the wind as quickly as I shed them.
Coming down to the rocky beach to listen to the podcast seemed like a good idea at the time.
I didn’t want Maverick to overhear me listening to it.
But now I’m devastated and broken after hearing him cry over the speaker on my phone.
The pain he was in . . . I can’t handle it.
Jo is right to hate me. I let him feel like that for eight fucking years.
There were ways I could’ve safely contacted him and didn’t.
I convinced myself it was safer for everyone if they thought I was dead.
And maybe it was, but only physically. The devastation was evident in all their voices.
Even Kai’s and Willa’s. Which shocked me because I know how stoic they can be when discussing emotions.
I did that to them. Sure, Eva having Patrick murder Sinclair’s sister was the start of everything, but me running from all of it is what hurt them the most. I fucking hurt everyone I love, and it’s killing me. My body is shaking so badly there’s no way I’m getting back up those stairs.
Icy rain pelts down on me, stinging where it comes in contact with my bare skin.
The thin long sleeve I’m wearing is doing nothing to keep out the cold.
I need to get inside, but the only thing my body seems capable of is shaking.
It takes until my teeth are chattering so hard they’re liable to break to get my body moving.
Each step is more painful than the last. The cold and wet conditions mixing with the shaking my body was already doing has caused my muscles to lock up.
Maybe I should just sit here and let grief and nature have me. And I almost do it. I almost succumb to the weight of it all, but then I hear the only sound that could break through this mess in my head.