Chapter 26
KADENCE
Idecided I was done letting my trauma dictate my life, and therapy would be the best starting point.
I needed to find someone and tell them I didn’t have identification at the moment because I was hiding, and pray to whatever god was watching over me, they would talk to me.
Working at the club would give me money to work on a payment plan or something until I got insurance and other things.
I needed to figure out my next steps because being a no one in a world where I needed to be someone, wouldn’t work out for long.
Westhaven had been my home for almost seven weeks, and in those seven weeks, my life was changing completely.
I could make this place my permanent home if I didn’t let my past win.
This could be the place I started fresh because I had friends now.
People cared about me, even if they didn’t know every detail of my life. It was an odd feeling.
The nightmares were bad. The flashbacks were paralyzing. I knew I needed to heal my inner child before I could heal my current self. God, I was a fucked up mess. I was going to send my therapist to fucking therapy.
“Annika,” I called out as I walked out of my bedroom and into the living room. I found three of the four on the couch, covered in a blanket, faces flushed. “Oh, didn’t know we were having a party.”
“You can always join.” Annika giggled.
“Yeah, no. I don’t know how you do it. I’m sure all three of them have huge peens.”
Theo cocked a brow. “You wanna see?”
“No, thank you. Right now, I only prefer titties and pussy. And no, I don't wanna see Annika’s.” I laughed before wrapping my arms around my middle. “Uhm, do you know a good psychiatrist? One who won’t question why I don’t have an ID and will do payment plans?”
Annika leaned up, the blanket falling from her shoulders. “Uh, yeah—mine. She's pretty great and understanding. Do you want me to call her? I’m not sure about the whole ID thing, but she is really amazing.”
“Please. It’s been a week so I’ll be going back to work tonight. I need to start my healing journey. I can’t be bashing in the skulls of men because I get triggered.”
“Yeah. I’ll call her for you. I’ll see if she can see you tonight before we go in.”
“Thank you.” Annika smiled, moving the blanket off her and grabbing her phone off the side table before running into the kitchen.
My nerves were on edge, knowing I’d finally get to talk to someone. Talking about my childhood and my issues was something I rarely did. It was easier to bury them, but now, as an adult, they were festering. It was time to be an adult and take control again.
When Nathan died, I shut down. My older brother was my best friend and the light of our family; without him, we had nothing.
For months, I refused to talk to anyone or hardly eat.
The school made me go see the counselor, but it didn’t help.
The man said I was being dramatic at my age, and I’d get over it eventually.
Now that I was older, I knew keeping things bottled up until they exploded wouldn’t solve anything.
Talking about my trauma, past and present, would help heal not only my inner child, but every aspect of me.
I didn’t need to turn to liquor or other dangerous methods of coping to drown it out.
I didn’t want to be like my parents because of it.
Annika walked back out. “She’ll see you today at five. Since we don't have to be at the club until eight, you can stay until seven if you want to. You’re naturally gorgeous, so you don’t need to take as long as I do to get ready.”
I looked at Theo who read my face, and he smacked her hard on her ass cheeks. “Thank you. I guess I’ll go get ready.”
I picked at my fingernails while waiting for Dr. Natalie Williams. She was a psychiatrist who specialized in PTSD and childhood trauma, which was perfect for my fucked-up life.
Annika swore she was one of the best on the West Coast, but I didn’t know much about therapy or the doctors who did it.
There were certain people who had an undeniable charm and pull when it came to therapy.
When I arrived, they didn’t ask questions about my ID or insurance.
I avoided eye contact as she walked inside, her heels clicking against the tile before she sat in the chair in front of me, crossing her long legs.
Her skirt bunched up against her thighs, and I couldn’t help the blush that hits my cheeks.
I wasn’t fucking my therapist. The idea was fun to spin around in my head, but it wasn’t something I’d do.
Especially when I knew I needed to talk about my problems.
“How are you today, Kadence?”
I shrugged. “If I said I was okay, I’d be lying.”
She laughed gently as she grabbed her pen and opened her notepad. “And that is perfectly fine. It’s okay to not be okay, and even better when we can admit it. What emotions are you feeling right now?”
“Overwhelmed. It’s like everything that was piled on my shoulders finally collapsed, and I can’t breathe from the crushing weight.”
“Have you ever been to therapy before?”
“First time. Probably should’ve gone when I was younger or when I knew what therapy was.”
She clicked her pen, and that told me the heavy stuff was about to happen. “Why now? What made you decide to finally do it?”
I laughed bitterly. “More like what hasn’t.”
“I know the first visit can be very overwhelming. Start where you feel comfortable.”
Might as well dive right in. “My brother died in a drowning accident when I was six, causing my mom to abandon me and my father because she couldn’t deal with me.
I was the devil child in her eyes. My dad buried himself in work, neglecting me and leaving me to cope on my own, but he was always quick to call me a disgrace.
I started cutting to feel something other than numbness, and when I got old enough to know what sex was, I used it to cope instead of cutting myself to feel the emptiness my mother and father created.
” The words flew from my mouth like word vomit.
“Did that make you feel better?”
“No. I used my body to feel something because my dad couldn’t give me an ounce of love. Nathan was the favorite. He died saving me.”
“Why do you think he was the favorite?”
I bit the inside of my cheek. “Because he held us together. My father was proud of him, always talking about his boy and praising him. He always cleaned up my messes and spent time with me because my parents were always mad at me. I had behavioral problems, never focused in school, and I was careless and disorganized.”
“Did you ever get diagnosed with ADHD as a child?”
I arched my brow. “No. My parents thought I was acting out for attention. Only time my dad took me to the doctor was physicals for track, but eventually, I stopped playing sports so it was pointless. Doctors see problems, and I never wanted to deal with my issues until it bit me in the ass.”
“Do you think they would have noticed anything?”
“I have scars. At the time, they were fresh cuts. So yeah. It was hard hiding them when I had track and during dancing, but I kept them higher up and on my hip so no one could see them unless they looked closely. Even when I had partners, they weren’t concerned about my scars.”
“Nothing that happened to you is your fault. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like you had and might still have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD.”
“I’m not hyper, though.”
“ADHD is more than just being hyperactive. It affects everyone differently. Disorganization, trouble focusing, and your so-called behavioral issues are all symptoms. It can affect you as an adult as well.”
I leaned forward, pressing my hands to my face.
“A ball of trauma and now add this to the mix. God, I should’ve just died.
If Nathan was alive, I wouldn’t be dealing with this.
” I leaned back into the chair. Fuck, maybe this wasn’t a good idea.
“I don’t know why I thought therapy and talking about my issues would be a good idea. ”
“You’d be surprised at how many people feel the same way you do right now, but in the end, it helps. You have years worth of trauma to unbag, and I am fine with listening or we can be done until our next session.”
I still have an hour before I have to get to the club, so I might as well finish the trauma dumping for the day.
Squirming in my seat, I took a shaky breath.
“I was in love with this man. He was a lot older than me, captivating me with his pretty eyes and his tattoos. My dad hated him, but it made me love him more. Falling in love with him was intense. It was all consuming and desperate. He charmed me, spoke pretty words, and made me think he would take me away from my life. I wanted the white picket fence and a couple kids running around. You know, the American dream…only for it to be a false reality. I—he…” I inhaled, feeling my skin burn at the memory.
“He sold me to a gang leader in New York. I didn’t know Dominic was in a gang until I ended up at his house.
Liam raped me. I was defenseless against it.
I was far from a virgin, but it felt like I was being split in two. ”
She scribbled in her notepad. “You know it’s not your fault, right?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “The nurses, the doctor, and now you keep telling me it's not my fault. My dad found me. The bastard saved me, but he still blamed me. If I was a good daughter, I wouldn’t have been raped and stabbed.”
“When did you get stabbed?”
“I called my dad because I thought Dominic blew me off. He freaked out because he knew where I was. Apparently, the FBI was tracking him. While Liam was inside of me, my dad and his agents raided the house. Liam stabbed me, rupturing my spleen, before my dad killed him.”
“How have you been coping with this?”
“Not having sex,” I blurted sarcastically.
“Sorry. Uhm. I haven’t really processed it.
I left New York and came here without anyone knowing.
No one knows yet, so please don’t call my dad or anyone else and tell them I am here.
I was fresh out of the hospital. My dad blamed me for the situation, and I couldn’t handle it. ”
“You are an adult, Kadence. What we discuss here is between us.”
By the end of the session, I spilled my guts to this stranger.
She prescribed me lorazepam to help with my anxiety and panic attacks, so hopefully I wouldn’t be so jumpy anymore, but who knew.
It felt good talking about my trauma without feeling judged.
Annika was right. This woman was fantastic.
If my father ever did find me, I was sure he’d flip a gasket for the way I talked down on him.
The bastard deserved it and then some, but maybe now I could focus on me and heal every part of myself.