Chapter 60
KADENCE
Pour It Up by Rhianna blared through the speakers as the lights dimmed, my heels hitting the stage floor as I entered from the left.
I’d been dancing more to deal with the constant desire for Blaize while helping Jax at the bar.
Y’know, I should know when to give up and walk away, but I’d always been stubborn.
The heart wanted what it wanted, but why the hell did it have to be Blaize fucking Matthews?
It’s only been three weeks since our night together, but it was constantly replaying in my head.
Blaize ignited a spark in me I hadn’t felt for years, transforming my gray scale existence into a vivid masterpiece.
How could one person make me feel so alive after spending years barely surviving?
I hated the thought of being in love with her when she couldn’t provide an ounce in return.
My father broke my heart first, and ever since then I’d been craving a love that healed, only to be disappointed with one-sided passion.
I plastered a fake smile on my face as I started my routine. It was an intricate dance that I choreographed, incorporating a few moves I’d seen on old TikTok videos. Dancing had kept my head on straight, and now I needed to focus so I could bring the house down.
The music pulsed through me, each beat a heartbeat I could feel in my bones.
I took a deep breath as the world narrowed to just me and this rhythm, a private conversation between my body and the music.
The crowd was fervent, savoring every moment of the show I was putting on.
I glided and pivoted, carving invisible shapes in the air.
With every move, I lost myself in the movement, the floor, my canvas, and my motions.
My heart raced in sync with the tempo, my breath coming in quick, sharp bursts.
When the beat slowed, so did my movements, and I finished the dance with a seductive hip roll before landing on my knees.
Before, I would be self-conscious about dancing like this, but the love I got from the crowd and the girls made whatever insecurities vanish.
Seeing Blaize watching me from the back of the room boosted my ego even more.
I only saw her when I was at work since I’d avoided the club on the weekend.
I was not risking my heart for a woman who didn’t want me.
Why should I let her play with my heart when there was a sea of possibilities?
Blaize didn’t want me, so why should I wait for her?
I’d never been spiritual or anything, but if our fate was written in the stars, then it would happen one day.
However, I was not waiting until that day.
I deserved love, and I wouldn’t wait for the person I desired to get her life in order.
I refused to break my heart by chasing someone who wasn’t emotionally available.
After she pinned me against a wall and kissed me, I knew I needed to limit contact with her, and that meant avoiding her.
I should quit and go somewhere else, but I had Annika and all the girls here who had become family.
Maybe I needed to take Annika up on that orgy and get Blaize out of my head.
Our friendship had passed the level of awkwardness thanks to the public playroom scene.
If I was being honest with myself it would never happen with the four of them, but I needed to find a distraction.
I was scheduling a session with Dr. Williams in the morning. Someone needed to tell me I was not going insane when my world was crashing around me.
“Why don’t you chase your desires?” Dr. Williams asked. Sessions with her had been eye opening, except for this one.
“She won’t love me. We shared one night together, and that was it.”
“And how was that?”
“Intense, but now we are tiptoeing around our emotions.” She nodded, scribbling in her notebook.
“What happened?”
“When I performed with one of my friends, Blaize had me go up to her office. She grabbed my throat and pushed me against her door, calling me a whore.”
She cocked a thin brow, biting the top of her pen. “How did you feel at that moment?” I sighed and shrugged my shoulders.
“I don’t know. I attacked a man for calling me a whore my first night working. When he said it, it took me back that night. And then Blaize says it, and it makes me weak in the knees. It makes little sense. I don’t know why I like it with her.”
“Don’t feel ashamed about how it makes you feel good. This is something new for you, and it seems you gain an attachment to her, making diving deeper into kink easier.”
I leaned back into the chair. “I am in love with her, but I’m so scared of getting hurt. She already said she won’t love me.”
“Is it because you two spent one night together?”
I shook my head and sighed. “No. I’ve had plenty of one-night stands in my life and never got attached to them. Sex is sex, no matter how great or how bad. I always separated the two, but I feel different with Blaize.”
“What goes through your head when you’re with her?”
“I feel safe with her, like I could let my wall down and fall into her, and she’ll be there to catch me. I don’t understand why.”
“You said she’s older?”
I nodded. “She’s thirty-five, so it’s a twelve year age gap, but my attraction to her is not because of my mommy issues. She doesn’t exactly scream maternal.”
“Why are you attracted to her?”
I laughed, running my hands up my face. “I have a thing for people who treat me like shit, apparently. Blaize screams badass, but I’m sure there’s something she’s hiding, but I also don’t care.
She’s a grown ass adult. We had sex once, and I already know she won’t love me, so I don’t know why I want her, too. ”
“Take what you want. I don’t know the woman, but the two of you are tethering on the edge of something.
It seems like you both need to sit down and talk.
It’s more fun dancing on the edge of whatever this is between you two, but I don’t want to see you get hurt because of it.
Love is tricky, but you deserve a love that lights the world on fire, Kadence. ”
I nodded, forcing a smile on my lips. She was telling me to set myself up for heartache and misery.
How did this become my life, chasing after a woman who clearly didn’t want me?
It was not just my pussy that was a traitor, but my own heart.
This felt like a series of déjà vu, only I didn’t think I'd survive this round.