Chapter 20
Lennon
Istepped into my apartment after Asher dropped me off, a smile permanently etched into the rise of my cheek muscles.
I closed the door and fell back against it, wrapping my arms around myself as I slid down to the floor.
I’d never experienced anything like that before.
It had been exhilarating—wild, chaotic. It had been everything.
I hadn’t felt that alive in, well, over a decade.
The car ride home had been quiet, tension crackling in the air between us.
At one point, I’d peeked over at him in his seat as Duke drove us home, and a giant grin had been painted across his lips.
He always seemed happy, but something had been different about him then.
Something deeply rooted, as if maybe he’d never had fun like that before.
Maybe he’d never felt that good before—just like I hadn’t.
I’d been excited for the experience the second I realized that was what we were about to do, but nothing had prepared me for actually completing it.
Jumping off the ledge of that bridge into nothing had felt…
enlightening. I envisioned myself without the bungee cords and harness, and somehow that image had made me just as content.
And that—that was the part that caught me off guard.
I had been equally as content jumping with a harness as I would have without one.
That realization felt miraculous. It was the first sign of life I’d felt in so long that it seemed abnormal to be okay with the living side of things instead of the death side.
I shook my head and chuckled softly as I hoisted myself off of the floor, a sudden whoosh of exhaustion washing over my body.
The jump itself had been incredible, but I was worn out.
It had been such a new experience that I hadn’t considered how tired I would be afterward.
I stripped off my clothes and ripped the ponytail from my hair, stripping everything external as I walked toward my bedroom.
A trail followed me until I reached my bed, climbing on in and burying myself beneath the covers that felt like clouds.
I pulled the duvet up to my shoulders and snuggled my body deeper into the mattress, cocooning myself in warmth.
Once settled, I opened my eyes and stared into the nothingness of the dark room.
One task down. The night ran like a movie in my mind, constantly rewinding back to the moments when Asher and I had been more intimate.
I allowed him to hold my hand, to kiss me in a frenzy.
It was so far outside my norm, but then again, so was everything about our situation.
Everything about who we were felt devastatingly different from anything else on this planet.
I was enthralled by it all, my thoughts spinning wildly in endless circles.
He’d kissed me, and it had angered me—but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy parts of it.
It had lit me up. Every dormant nerve ending had fired to life, and I was still processing whether or not it was good for me.
Whatever it was, it tested every ideal that my life had been set in stone for so long.
Lying there in the fetal position in my bed, I felt different.
My mind hadn’t changed, but my body certainly did.
I couldn’t explain what was even happening to me.
I shot my hands up from under the duvet and pressed them onto my face as the realization hit me—I’d asked him to hold my hand.
I had asked him to hold my hand. I offered it to him, some semblance of humanity, before we jumped toward our fate.
At the time, when I’d looked at him, I’d known he was terrified.
The way his entire body had quivered told me he’d never imagined doing something like that.
He must have never considered ever doing something like this.
Had he only done it for me?
At the end of the day, no matter what else happened, I felt satisfied knowing one task had been checked off our list. One down, nine more to go.
That seemed doable. Tonight had been something along the lines of fun.
Maybe the others would be fun, too. Ten percent complete. I exhaled a slow, shaky breath.
Okay, I could do this.
I could do this with Asher.
I twisted onto my back, attempting to close my eyes and drift into sleep.
I considered taking something to crash, but I knew time would carry me away soon enough, so I held off.
I didn’t need to rely on anything to knock me out.
I didn’t want to rely on anything. I inhaled deeply, filling all the capillaries with oxygen, feeling my body expand parallel with my lungs.
My eyes opened once again, and my thoughts fell to Asher.
Why was he in this group? He clearly didn’t want to die.
He seemed well enough—mentally and physically—and it was hard for me to imagine why he’d be part of a group for the depressed and death-driven.
He’d also seemed to have attended other group sessions before. Why did he need them?
A sense of something sinister crept up my spine.
Was he a fake? Was he preying on people?
Did he relish in their misery? Maybe he signed up for these groups to find vulnerable women to woo because it would be so fucking easy.
I closed my eyes, realizing how little I actually knew about him and his motivations.
He was playing everyone. He was playing the group participants. He was playing Dana. But mostly, he was playing me. Of course he was.
Asher had no right to be in that group—he didn’t check the stupid boxes.
Even his introduction hadn’t revealed anything real about himself.
I scoffed, pissed at myself for falling for his facade so easily, for not seeing past him and his ulterior motives.
Everyone had one. I just needed to figure his out.
Shaking my head, I curled back into the fetal position, pulling my body inward on itself. I felt stupid. Ridiculous. I squeezed my eyes shut, begging my brain to shut off and my body to power down.
Fuck him.
Fuck him.
Fuck him.
I lay there as a single tear slipped from the corner of my eye and soaked into my pillow. Asher wasn’t worth crying over. Nope. Not today. Not him. Not a fucking boy. Not a fucking man. Not any man. Never again.
I inhaled deeply, trying to steady my thoughts. I refused to give him the satisfaction of it all. I exhaled slowly through my lips and squeezed my eyes tighter. Why had he touched me like that? Why had he allowed my hopes to rise? Why had his lips felt so perfect against mine?
As those thoughts circled my brain, I allowed my body to shake with the weight of the sadness. Eventually, sleep pulled me under, and I fell into the slumber surrounding me, wondering how it could all have been a lie I hadn’t seen coming.