Chapter Two
Paisley
Four Years Earlier
“PAISLEY! NASH! GET your sexy asses in this pool this instant!” My best friend Iris splashes in our direction, squealing when Garrett, another of our classmates, lifts her from the water, giving us a show of her barely there, bright yellow bikini.
“Maybe later,” Nash calls back, one hand wrapped around mine, the other holding the neck of a fifth of whiskey, which dangles precariously from his fingers.
I got here late because my parents insisted on a post-graduation dinner to celebrate. I obliged only because I love my parents dearly and would do almost anything to make them happy, even though deep down all I really wanted to do was be here with Nash and all my friends, most of whom came almost directly after our graduation ceremony.
Nash, as I could tell the instant I arrived, was clearly one of them if the dent he’s put on that whiskey bottle is any indication.
“Later?” I question, surprised he didn’t pick me up and toss me into the water the second we walked outside. Nash is nothing if not the life of every party, especially when you get him and Felix together. Those two can cause quite a ruckus when they’re drinking.
“Let’s take a walk.”
“Okay,” I softly agree, knowing I’d rather be alone with him anyway.
I gaze up at his profile as he leads me away from the party, taking a long moment to appreciate just how beautiful he looks under the twinkling lights that line the pathway to the gazebo. His dark hair pushed haphazardly away from his face. His skin, already summer-tanned from working outside, even though it’s only late May, thanks to the warm southern sun. And when he glances down at me, feeling my gaze on him, I have to stifle a gasp of appreciation as his eyes—an icy blue that reminds me of a bright, cloudless sky—meet mine for the briefest of moments.
I swear, sometimes, when I look at him, I forget how to breathe. Like right now, for example. I mean, he’s always breathtaking, but tonight, I don’t know how to describe it. It’s almost like I’m looking at him for the very first time all over again.
Maybe it’s the nostalgia of the day, having spent nearly the entirety of graduation reflecting on memories, looking through old pictures, knowing that after today, everything changes. We aren’t children anymore. There’s an incredible freedom in that but also an obvious fear of the unknown.
“How much do you think Iris’s parents are going to regret agreeing to host this party?” Nash asks, leading me inside the gazebo that’s lit up with the same twinkling lights as the pathway.
Taking a seat on one of the benches, I stretch my legs out in front of myself.
“On a scale of one to ten, about a million.” I snort. “How Iris got them to agree to host two hundred of us, I have no idea. I mean, telling her no isn’t their strong suit, but this is extreme, even for her.”
“I saw not one, but two people puking in the bushes when I was out front waiting for you to get here.” He plops down beside me, lifting the amber bottle to his lips.
“You think that’s bad... I walked in on Felix and Hannah Larson getting pretty hot and heavy in her parents’ bedroom when I went up there to get Iris some towels.”
“Why am I not surprised.” He chuckles softly, taking another pull from the bottle.
“He’s your friend.” I remind him, softly nudging his shoulder with mine.
“Sometimes I wonder why.” He runs a hand through his hair, further rustling his thick, shiny locks.
“You don’t mean that. Besides, he’s had a rough go of things lately. It’s good that he’s letting loose a little. I can’t imagine losing either of my parents, let alone both by the age of eighteen.”
“Yeah...” Nash clears his throat like he’s going to say more but doesn’t.
It’s hard for him to talk about Felix’s mom. Jen was the closest thing Nash ever had to an actual mom in his life, given that his mom left when he was little, and I know that really meant something to him.
“So...” I finally say after a few long moments. “Have you decided when you’re going to tell your dad you’re moving out?”
“Tomorrow.” He shifts uncomfortably.
“I know Felix is excited for you to move in. I bet he’s lonely in that house all by himself.”
He shifts again like he can’t find a good position.
“Are you okay?” I ask when he takes another long drink, grimacing as he resurfaces from the bottle.
It’s not uncommon for Nash to drink at parties, or on the weekends, but I can’t say I’ve ever seen him drink like he has as of recently. Usually, it’s just beer, maybe a shot or two, but whiskey straight from the bottle... Up until a month ago, I can only think of one other time I’ve seen him do that, and it was following a pretty bad altercation with his father, where he walked away with a black eye and bloody lip. Something’s up... I just can’t believe it’s taken me until now to realize.
“What’s going on, Nash? Did something happen?” I grab his chin, guiding his face toward me. He lets me but won’t meet my gaze. “Nash.” Nervous knots twist inside my stomach.
“I’m not moving in with Felix,” he finally says after too long.
“What do you mean you’re not moving in with Felix? Where are you going to go? You can’t stay with your dad anymore. Things will only get worse now that you’re an adult.”
“I’m not staying with my dad either.” He pulls away from my touch, which is very unlike Nash, taking another hard pull of whiskey.
“Then where are you going to go?” I try again, uncertainty rising in my voice.
“I’m leaving, P.”
“Leaving where?” Confusion makes my vision feel cloudy.
“Madison. Hell, the state of Georgia.” Another swipe of his hand through his hair, another drink of whiskey. “I can’t be here anymore. I can’t.”
“What are you talking about? You can’t leave. What about me?” This is so far out of left field that I feel completely blindsided by it.
Never once has he ever mentioned actually leaving Madison. Hell, two weeks ago, we were making plans for our last summer before college. Where we wanted to visit, all the things we wanted to do. And while Nash had no plans of going to school, he had already committed to working on Mr. Miller’s farm again this summer, which he’s done every summer since he was twelve. As for me, I never even considered a college outside of Madison University because leaving Nash was out of the question.
“There isn’t going to be an us after tonight, P.”
His words act like a knife driven straight through my chest cavity, piercing me directly in the heart.
“You don’t mean that. If you need to leave, if you need to get away for a while, I understand. But that doesn’t mean that we... That I can’t wait for you.”
“You don’t get it. I’m leaving , Paisley.”
The use of my first name is comparative to a parent using their child’s full name—like you know in an instant you’re in trouble. Nash never calls me anything but P. In all the years I’ve known him... Hell, since we were in grade school, I’ve always just been P.
“If I don’t leave now, before I know it, it’ll be twenty years from now, and I’ll be stuck in a dead-end job, with a mortgage I can’t afford, three kids I didn’t want, and a wife I resent for things that were entirely out of her control.” He finally glances in my direction, sadness filling the space where his easy smile and carefree nature usually lie.
In that one look, the perfectly laid pieces of my future begin to fall out of place, sliding so rapidly off the board that I can’t move fast enough to catch them before they’re careening toward the ground.
“Either that, or you’ll get tired of me and leave, just like my mom did.”
“I’m not your mom. And you certainly are not your father.”
“You sure about that?” He holds up the whiskey bottle before taking a long swig for good measure.
“You’re not your father,” I repeat more forcefully.
“Maybe not yet, but if I stay here, one day I will be.”
“If you need to leave so badly, then take me with you.”
“No.” It’s a simple word, and yet it feels anything but simple. In fact, it feels like the end of something I was so sure I would have forever. There is no Paisley without Nash. No Nash without Paisley. There isn’t a single person we know who remembers a time before us.
“Why?” My chin begins to tremble, but I refuse to cry, willing the tears away with everything I have.
“Because I don’t want you to.”
The first tear falls anyway...
“So you’re not just leaving Madison.” It’s a wonder I can even form words with the way my heart has worked its way into my throat. “You’re leaving me.”
“It’s for the best, even if you can’t see that now. I will only bring you pain in the long run. I think deep down you know that.”
“Don’t do that.” I push to a stand, tugging on the ends of my hair. “You aren’t a physic. You don’t know what the future is going to look like.”
“Yes, I do. I can feel it already, the restlessness. The same restlessness that plagued my father when he found himself tied down with me. What do you think turned my father into the abusive alcoholic he is today? I did.”
“That’s bullshit, and we both know it. You are not your father!”
“I’m well on my way.” Of this, he seems so sure.
“Why are you doing this? I mean, really?” My voice hitches, my emotions firing on all cylinders.
“I know you don’t believe this, but I’m doing this for you.”
“No.” I wave my hand frantically toward him. “You’re doing this for you! You’re running away because you’re afraid.”
“I’m not afraid of anything.” He’s standing now too, shoulders squared, expression hard. “Maybe I just don’t want to be tied down anymore. Maybe I want to leave because I know there’s something better out there.”
“You mean someone better.” My tears flow heavily now, making it hard for me to see clearly. “Because if this was just about finding a better life away from this place, you would be taking me with you.”
“One day, you’re going to look back on this day, when you’re getting married or when you’re holding your first child in your arms, and you’re going to thank me for sparing you a life of misery.”
“No life with you would ever be miserable. I love you.”
“You love me because you don’t know any better. I’m all you know. Trust me, there’s a man out there who’s going to make you happier than you could have ever dreamed. That man isn’t me.” The words come out hard, but I don’t miss the sadness that seeps into them just the same.
“You’re drunk. You’re going to wake up tomorrow and regret everything you just said to me. I know it.” Anger rears its head, making my blood feel like it’s boiling inside of my veins.
“If that’s what helps you sleep tonight, then believe that.” He steps close and presses his lips to my forehead. “I love you, P. More than you will ever know. Be happy. Don’t mourn us. I don’t deserve your tears.”
With that, he turns and walks away. I want to go after him, but I don’t. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I’m holding on to the delusional hope that he’ll do exactly as I say. He’ll sleep off the alcohol and realize what an ass he’s made of himself, and he’ll be on my doorstep first thing in the morning to apologize.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you can’t reason with Nash when he’s like this. So I let him leave, not realizing in that moment that he meant every word...