Chapter Seven
Paisley
“THERE SHE IS.” FELIX smiles at me from the kitchen as I step through the front door, my mind still moving a million miles a minute, having not slowed down for a single second since I left Nash.
He didn’t try to follow me when I stormed off. A part of me was grateful because if he had, I don’t know what I would have done. The other part of me feels almost hurt that he didn’t. Though I shouldn’t be surprised that he didn’t fight for me. Seems to be a theme.
Do I want him to fight for me?
It’s a question I don’t have a chance to even entertain the answer to as Felix approaches, reaching for me the way he always does. Only this time, I don’t reach back.
He stops just shy of where I’m standing, concern furrowing his brow.
“Is everything okay?”
“We need to talk.” I step past him, dropping my things on the coffee table before plopping down on the couch. “I spoke to Nash,” I tell him bluntly as he takes the seat on the armchair caddy-corner from me.
“Okayyyy...” He draws the word out, his expression guarded, like he’s not sure what he should be preparing himself for.
“He wanted to clear the air about why he left.”
“So you know.” It’s not a question.
“That he’s been in and out of rehab for the last four years, and you knew about it. Yeah, I know.”
“Paisley, I can explain.” He’s quick to cut in.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask before he can say more. “I mean, I know he asked you not to, but Felix, you saw me in a way no one else did. You knew how badly I was suffering, and you could have made it all go away. Why didn’t you?”
“I guess, in some way, I felt like I was protecting you. That first time he called, Paisley, you didn’t hear him. He wasn’t himself. He was so fucked up he could barely string two words together. You were just starting to put your life back together. You were back in school. You were getting better every day. How could I tell you something like that? How could I be the one to bring everything crashing back down, knowing there was nothing you could do to help him?”
“I had a right to make that choice for myself,” I tell him, my resolve softening. No matter how conniving Nash believes Felix to be, deep down, I knew there was a reasonable explanation. And I was right. Because, unlike Nash, Felix has always put me first.
“You’re right, you did.”
“Why did you never tell Nash about us? He said you’ve known he’s been clean for a year, and yet you led on like we never even saw each other. You told him I had met someone new. Why not tell him it was you?”
“Because I was afraid,” he softly admits. “I was afraid if I told him just how broken you were over him leaving, that he’d come running back. He was still using at that point, and honestly, I didn’t think he’d ever get better. I was trying to spare both of you. Then you kissed me that one night and everything changed. After that, I worried that telling him would make things even worse for him. He wasn’t doing well and what good would learning the truth have done for him? Once he got clean, I was already in so deep, I didn’t know how to just come right out and say it. I never expected this...” He gestures between the two of us. “I never expected to fall for you so completely. But I did, and now the thought of losing you is the most terrifying thing in the world to me. I was afraid that if you knew everything, you’d choose him.”
A heaviness settles over my chest.
I doubted him.
The entire drive over here, I let Nash’s words convince me that Felix had some ill intent by keeping things from me and from him. But in reality, he was just trying to protect us both.
I feel awful for even entertaining the idea.
“And now that he’s here, I’m just waiting for that to happen,” he admits, unable to meet my gaze.
“Why would you ever think that?” I stand, moving toward him in an instant. “I chose you, Felix.” My hands slide across his jawline as I angle his face up to mine, which, given how tall he is, isn’t much. “I chose you because I love you. And I will continue to choose you.” I press a soft kiss to his lips.
His arms slide around my waist seconds before he pulls me down into the chair with him. My knees press into the soft cushion as I straddle his lap, smiling when the warmth of his hands settles on the small of my back.
“I’m sorry I lied to you.” He pushes my hair away from my face, his fingers lingering on my cheek for a long moment. “I just... You and Nash... Your history is something I don’t know how to compete with.”
“You don’t have to compete. I’m already yours. Yes, Nash and I share a lot of history, but it’s just that, history. It’s in the past. You, Felix Jensen, are my future.”
“I love you so much it scares me sometimes.”
I drop my forehead to his.
“It scares me, too,” I admit.
I know firsthand what loving someone can do to you, especially when you lose them.
“But love is scary,” I tell him, pulling back just enough to meet his gaze. “If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be love.”
“Tell me him coming back doesn’t change anything... I need to hear you say it.”
“Him coming back doesn’t change anything for us ,” I reassure him, running a hand through his messy locks, pushing them back away from his forehead. “But I need you to promise me that I know everything, that you aren’t keeping anything else from me. First my sister, now this. Tell me there’s nothing else. I can’t walk around waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“There’s nothing else,” he promises, and even though I have a lot of reasons to maybe doubt him, I don’t.
“Okay.” I run my other hand through his hair.
“But I do have a request. I don’t like the idea of you and Nash spending time together alone. It’s not that I don’t trust you...”
“Nash and I are going to have to find a way to coexist if he chooses to stay. But I have no intention of letting him be a part of my life,” I say in lieu of agreeing to his request.
“Okay.” He smiles up at me.
“Okay?” I press another kiss to his mouth.
“Okay,” he murmurs against my lips.
“Now, why don’t you take me to the shower and scrub this trying day from my skin.”
His grip on me instantly tightens as he pushes to a stand, taking me with him as if I weigh nothing.
“You don’t have to tell me twice.” He graces me with a seductive smile, and just like that, all is forgotten.
At least for now...
I have a feeling Nash Ketter is not yet done dropping bombs on my life. I just need to make sure when the next one hits, I’m ready for it.
“SO...” I TURN TO FIND my coworker Ashley standing in the doorway of the post-op room where I’m currently administering medication to a chocolate lab named Zoe that just had surgery to remove a tooth abscess. “I hear a certain he who must not be named has returned.”
“You’ve heard.” I give the pup a little scratch behind her ears before standing and closing her holding crate.
“More like I saw. Though I’m not sure why you didn’t tell me.”
“I haven’t seen you.” I needlessly remind her that up until yesterday, she was away on vacation.
“Good point.” She smiles.
“So you saw him?” I try to act completely uninterested, but if Ashley knows me at all, she knows that’s a lie. No matter how regularly I tell myself that I don’t care, at the end of the day, I do.
“At the hardware store.” She confirms. “I didn’t think that man could get any better looking... No offense.” She’s quick to tack on.
“Nash has always been good-looking. Why would I be offended by that?” I deposit the medication vile into the trash.
“So how are you doing, you know, with him being back and all?”
Ashley and I went to high school together, and while we aren’t super close, I have confided in her quite a bit over the years. She obviously knows Nash and a condensed version of everything that happened, but I’ve never really given her any details. Mainly because I had none to give. Hell, until three days ago, I was just as clueless as to why he left as everywhere else.
“I’m good.”
“How are you really doing?” She gives me a pointed look, shoving her hands into the front pockets of her bright pink scrubs.
“I’m good,” I say again. Because, I mean, I am. I guess...
So yeah, things feel uncertain now that Nash is back. And yes, I find myself thinking of him nearly every moment when I’m not with Felix, who seems to be the only person who can distract me, but that’s normal, right?
“Have you spoken to him?” Her brown eyes follow me as I move to the computer to chart Zoe’s medication.
“A little.”
“Are you going to continue to give me two-word responses or are you going to tell me how you’re actually feeling? I mean, this is Nash we’re talking about. You can’t tell me that after four years, that man comes strolling back into town and you’re just completely unaffected by it.” She moves to stand next to me. “I know you don’t have anyone to talk to about this,” she reminds me, which is why she knows so much to begin with. “I’m here if you need to talk, you know that.”
After Felix and I started officially dating, it felt weird to discuss Nash and the things I was still struggling with. My parents are non-starters, mainly because my mom loves Nash and is biased, and my father is truthfully not an easy person to talk about this kind of stuff with. My sister is too self-absorbed to care what I’m feeling. And I lost touch with so many of my old friends in the first year after Nash left that it basically left me with no one else. So Ashley became that person.
But now that Nash is back, I don’t know, it feels different. Like talking about him feels almost like a betrayal to Felix.
“He was in rehab,” I finally admit after a long beat.
“Wait, what?”
“It’s a long story.”
“Well, lucky for you, I’ve got time.” She gives me a cheeky grin.
I know I shouldn’t, but the last few days have consumed me so much that if I don’t tell someone, I might honestly explode. So I spend the next ten minutes giving her a very condensed version of everything that’s transpired in the last few days. When I’m done, she looks at me for a good thirty seconds, not saying anything.
“What? Just say it,” I finally blurt.
“I mean no disrespect when I say this, but I get the feeling that Felix isn’t being completely honest with you.”
“What do you mean?” I swallow past the firm knot that wedges itself into the back of my throat.
“Think about it. He knew why Nash was gone and didn’t tell you. He lied to Nash for a solid year before you two were even together. Seems to me like he was trying to shoot his shot and didn’t want Nash to screw it up, if I’m being honest.”
“He was trying to protect me.”
“If you say so.” She gives me a disbelieving look.
“What? Just say what you really want to say, Ash.”
“Let’s face it, Felix has always been a bit of a bullshitter. That man could lie the pants off any girl he wanted to in high school. I’m not saying he hasn’t matured a bit, but a leopard can’t change its spots. There’s a reason that saying exists.”
“You’re wrong.” I shake my head. “He isn’t that person anymore. I believe what he told me to be true. Besides, Nash is the one who hurt me. Why should I put Felix on trial for it?”
“You shouldn’t. But you also shouldn’t ignore what’s right in front of you.”
“And what’s that?”
“That Felix has been pining after you since middle school. Do you think it’s a coincidence that out of all people, he was the one who came to your rescue when Nash left? You two weren’t even close. If I remember right, you didn’t much care for him.”
“We were both struggling. It makes sense that we would lean on each other for comfort.”
“Does it?” She shakes her head. “I mean, yeah, it’s not that uncommon that when tragedy strikes, it can draw together some unlikely allies. But Nash didn’t die; he left. And Felix... Well, he’s Felix. He’s a man filled with ulterior motives.”
“But you’re saying all of this based on who he was, not who he is. You forget Felix didn’t just lose Nash, he lost his mom too. He needed me just as much as I needed him.”
“Look, I know you love Felix, and you need to believe that what you’re saying is true. And maybe it is. All I’m saying is do your due diligence and make sure you know the absolute truth before making a decision you can’t easily get out of.”
She’s talking about my intention to marry Felix.
“I love Felix. I don’t need to do anything. I believe him. That man saved my life in ways I can’t even begin to explain. He’s earned my trust. And that’s all I’m going to say on the matter.”
“Okay.” She nods, taking a full step back. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t.”
“I just care about you, is all.”
“I know. But I know what I’m doing.” I’m not sure if I’m reassuring her or myself.
“Okay. Well, in that case, do you need some help down here?” She gestures around to the handful of animals in recovery.
“As a matter of fact”—I smile, happy to be done with this conversation—“Mr. Business is ready for his pain medication,” I tell her, not needing to give her any further information.
The tabby cat from hell is a frequent flyer around here. He’s riddled with health issues and has been in and out of the clinic for months. And while normally I love cats, Mr. Business is more like a demon than a cat. He’s bitten me more than all the other animals I’ve worked with in my entire career combined.
“Can I retract that question?” She chuckles.
“Oh no, you’re not getting off that easy.” I grab her arm when she acts like she’s about to make a run for it, even though I know she won’t and is just messing with me.
“Fine. But you’re holding him. The last time I did, he almost ripped off my nipple.”
I bark out a laugh, shaking my head.
“I’ll hold him, you administer the meds.”
“Deal.” With that, the workday resumes, and I’m able to finish the last three hours of my shift without another mention of Felix or Nash, which I’m grateful for because work is about one of the only distractions I have at the moment.
By the time I exit the clinic just after six, I’ve almost forgotten about the shit show that is my new reality. But don’t you worry, it’s there to slap me right in the face moments later.