Chapter Ten
Paisley
THE DRIVE UP NASH’S driveway feels so much farther than the last time I drove down it all those years ago. Maybe it’s because I have to go extremely slow to avoid busting a tire on one of the many potholes that pepper the gravel path, or maybe it’s because I’m so nervous I feel pretty confident I might have to pull over and expel the contents of my stomach at any moment, and I’d like to do so before I can be seen from the house.
I’ve talked myself in and out of this for days, not able to decide if coming here was something I needed to do or simply something I wanted to do. I can’t deny that I still love Nash—I think that’s pretty obvious to everyone—and while a part of me is so desperate to hang on to what we had, the other part of me knows I have to find a way to let him go.
That has never been more apparent than it was yesterday when I finally sat down with Felix. We hadn’t gone a day without talking in four years, but after what happened at the store, I needed some time to think. But when I pulled up at his house, seeing how miserable he looked—like he hadn’t slept a wink in the three days I had been silent—it broke me in a way I didn’t know I was capable of breaking anymore. And it made me realize something very important... I never want to see him that devastated ever again.
That is why I find myself here because I know this has to end. The only way that is going to happen is for me to find peace with what Nash did, and in order to do that, I have to be willing to listen to what he has to say and not just listen, but actually hear him.
After what Iris said, I know this isn’t going to be easy. I know hearing the truth, especially from his lips, will likely gut me, but it’s the only way I can think of to let him go, and maybe for him to let me go too.
I glance at the shoe box sitting in the passenger seat. The one that contains hundreds of letters I wrote Nash the first two years he was gone. I never expected to have him read them, but I think he needs to not only tell me his story, but to know mine as well, and I couldn’t think of a better way to show him than to let him read it in my own words as it was happening.
And while none of this will be easy, I have to stop replacing the Band-Aid and find a way to heal the wound once and for all, for all of our sakes.
When the old, rickety house comes into view, a sense of nostalgia I wasn’t prepared for engulfs me. For the better part of a decade, I hated this place as much as I loved it. I loved it because it was where Nash was, but I hated it because I couldn’t save him from what happened inside of it.
It’s an unsettling thing, knowing someone is in pain but being unable to do anything to stop it, at least not without betraying Nash, and that is something I never would have done.
My hand trembles as I put the car in park, my eyes still locked on the faded siding and broken shutters. It looks almost untouched by time, and yet, time has continued to pass just the same. For some reason, the thought causes tears to prick the backs of my eyes.
Quickly blinking them away, I pull in a deep breath and kill the engine, unfastening my seat belt before grabbing the shoebox next to me.
“It’s now or never,” I murmur aloud, climbing from the car.
With every crunch of gravel beneath my feet, my heart rate spikes, feeling like it’s beating in my throat rather than in my chest where it belongs.
I’ve just taken the first of three steps that lead to the porch when the front door swings open, the sight of Nash in a dirty white T-shirt, hair sticking to his forehead, his skin slick with sweat stealing my breath in an instant.
“P...” My name is like a song on his lips, and it takes me aback how relieved he seems to find me standing on his doorstep like he was prepared to wait his entire life for this very moment.
I can’t easily put into words the array of emotions I feel right now.
“Hi, Nash.” My voice sounds like it doesn’t belong to me as it reaches my ears. “I hope it’s okay that I came unannounced and without invitation.”
“No invitation is ever needed. I’m just happy to see you. How are you feeling?” He gestures to the left side of my head, and without even realizing I’ve moved, my fingers graze the scab behind my ear.
“I’m fine.” I quickly drop my hand.
“I’m so sorry he did that to—”
“It was an accident, and it was more my fault than anyone’s, and that’s not why I’m here.”
“Why are you here?” He runs a hand through his hair, and for a brief moment, the sight of his bicep muscle bulging with the movement strikes me.
“I, um...” I shake my head. “We need to talk.”
“We do,” he quickly agrees.
“Can I...” I gesture to the open door he’s still standing in.
“It’s a mess in there,” he says, stepping fully onto the porch, letting the door fall closed behind him with a screech. “We can sit over here.” He moves to one of two chairs that sit just a few feet from the door, slowly lowering himself into it before gesturing to the one next to him.
I hesitate for a brief moment before climbing the two remaining steps.
“What do you have there?” His eyes fall to the box in my hand as I take a seat next to him, thankful that there’s a good three feet between the two chairs, giving me a little room to breathe.
“We’ll get to that.” I nervously tap on the sides of the box. “I, uh, I want to start by saying I’m sorry about Felix. He never should have used me to hurt you. That was unfair, and I apologize for his actions.”
“Don’t do that.” He shakes his head. “Don’t apologize for him. That’s his job, not yours.”
“Regardless, I’m sorry just the same. This situation... It’s not been easy to navigate, and I feel like that’s partly my fault because ever since you returned, I’ve been distracted, and that’s not been fair to Felix. He’s only acting out because he feels threatened by your return.”
“As he should,” he grunts.
“No, he shouldn’t. Because you left, and in your absence, I fell in love with him. I agreed to marry him, knowing that one day you might come back. I chose him anyway. Your return hasn’t changed the way I feel about him, but it has complicated things. I can’t deny that. Which brings me to why I’m here. You and me...” I gesture between the two of us. “We ended the day you left. We’ve been over for four years. And in those four years, I found a way to live without you. I intend to keep living without you.”
“P...”
“Just let me get this out, okay?” I stop him before he can say anything. “For twelve years of my life, you were my everything, the sun that gave light to my entire world. I loved you more completely than I ever dreamed it was possible to love someone. And I still love you today. I have no doubt that I will love you until the day I die, but my world orbits a new star now. There is no going back for us, Nash. The people we were, we’re not them anymore.”
“But we could be,” he softly interjects, his intense blue eyes burning holes into mine like he can see right through me.
“No, we can’t. The girl I was, she died the day you left. And the boy you were, I know he’s gone too. Maybe there are traces of him still in there somewhere, but when I look at you, I don’t see the love of my life. I see the loss of it.”
“The things I did, you have to understand...”
“I do. I understand better than you probably realize. I know the things you did, the person you had to become to survive, that none of them were really you, and I’m so sorry that you were suffering so greatly and you didn’t feel like you could come to me, but I now realize that none of that was my fault. Maybe it wasn’t either of our faults. Maybe this was just supposed to be our destiny all along.”
“I don’t believe that. We are not products of fate or destiny.”
“No, but we are products of our choices, and no matter why you chose the path you did, the fact of the matter is, you still chose it. You chose to numb your pain with drugs and alcohol, and no matter how much you might regret that today, it was still a choice you made. You didn’t give me a choice. I didn’t get a say in any of it because you cut me out, and then you abandoned me. We were supposed to be a team.”
“I was trying to—”
“Don’t say you were trying to protect me because, at the end of the day, we both know that isn’t true. You were ashamed, you were scared, and that cowardice is why we’re here today.”
“You’re right,” he admits, looking down at his hands, which are knotted in his lap like it’s taking everything in him to stay seated. “I was scared and I ran away. I had delusionally convinced myself that I was sparing you when, in reality, I was only sparing myself. I realized very quickly that you were the glue that held my broken parts together, and without you, I was in shambles, which only made me more desperate to numb the pain. I did so many unspeakable things...” I can feel the crack in his voice in my very bones, the pain of it searing my insides. “But the worst thing I ever did was leave you. I regretted it the moment I left, and I’ve regretted every day that has followed. But I’m here now. I’m trying to make up for everything I put you through.”
“You can’t, though. You can’t just show up here after four years, wave a magic wand, and suddenly the years of agony I lived in just disappear. Those years changed me, Nash. Some days I’d look in the mirror and not even recognize the broken, pathetic girl looking back at me. You can’t undo that, no matter how much you wish you could.”
“Maybe not. But we can start over. Forge a new path together. I have to believe there’s still a way for us.” He leans forward, and for a brief moment, I think he’s going to reach for me.
I’m equal parts relieved and disappointed when he doesn’t.
“There isn’t.” It physically pains me to say. “You are my past. Felix is my future.”
“Felix doesn’t deserve you. You don’t know him like I do.”
“You’re wrong because you don’t know him at all. Sure, you did once upon a time, but you and I are not the only people who have changed. Losing his mom, then you, he’s not the same person he was.”
“If that’s true, then why is he still lying to you?”
“You know nothing about our relationship, so don’t pretend you have any idea what I know or don’t know.”
“I know that if you knew the truth, you wouldn’t still be with him.”
“Whatever you’re referring to, whatever he did before he and I were together, it holds no bearing on us today.” I stand strong, even though a part of me is desperate to know what he could possibly be referring to.
“You have no idea.” He abruptly pushes to a stand, running both hands through his messy hair, tugging on the strands. “Do you know how hard it is for me to know what I know?”
“If it’s so hard, then just say it.”
“I can’t!” He releases his hair, leaving it even messier than it was.
“Why not?” I stand too, unable to sit still a moment longer.
“Because I can’t.”
“And you say you’ve changed.” I snort. “You hid things from me back then, and apparently, you’re still hiding things from me today. Turns out, some things really do never change.” I move to step past him, but he cuts off my path.
“This is different.” He dips, his face coming way too close to mine.
“How?” I square my shoulders, determined not to let him see me weakened by his nearness.
“It just is.”
“You’re just trying to create more problems. I should know better than to ever listen to you. Once a liar, always a liar.”
“That’s rich, considering you’re about to marry the biggest liar of all.”
“Says a man desperate to win at all costs.”
“This isn’t a game I’m trying to win.” He steps toward me and I instinctively take a step back.
“You sure about that?” I mentally curse the shake in my voice.
“You’re so scared to let me back in...”
“I’m not scared.” Another step, and again, I match it with one in the opposite direction.
“Deep down, you know he will never compare to me.”
“I love him,” I disagree.
“You love me more.” Another step and I find myself trapped between the porch railing and Nash, the shoe box I’m clinging to for dear life the only thing keeping any sort of distance between us.
“Keep telling yourself that,” I fire back, my entire body vibrating with nerves.
“You know it’s true. He will never be able to give you what we share. You’ll spend your entire life wishing for something more until, eventually, you leave him. And when you do, I’ll be there. Ten years from now, thirty even. There isn’t a length of time I won’t wait because you, P, you are still the sun my world rotates around, and without you, I am doomed to a life shrouded in darkness.”
I don’t realize he’s taken the box from my hand until I feel him press into me, sending every nerve ending in my body screaming.
“Tell me I’m right.”
He’s so close now. So close I can feel his warm breath on my face. So close that I can smell the dirt and sweat on his body that feels so familiar I could wrap myself in it and never leave. So close that I can feel his heart beating as if it resides inside of my own ribcage.
“Please...” I plead, not sure if I’m pleading for him to let me go or kiss me.
He stops just shy of my lips but still so close that I can feel the smile that touches his mouth as his eyes bore into mine.
“Your body recognizes where it belongs.” I tense when I feel his hand slide up my arm, leaving goose bumps in its wake.
I swear I feel that singular touch everywhere .
“Nash...”
“You want me to kiss you right now. I know you do. But I’m not going to do that, and do you want to know why?” He pauses for dramatic effect because, let’s be real, I couldn’t form actual words if I wanted to. “Because I won’t kiss you until you ask me to. Until you beg me to. Until you admit I am the only one who can make you feel the way you feel right now. Like you’re burning up from the inside out, craving my touch so desperately it consumes you.” He runs his nose along mine. “Only then will I give you what we both know you want.”
“I’ll never ask.” I hold onto my pride like a vice. It’s the only thing that’s kept me upright to this point. I want to defy him almost as badly as I want to give in to him.
“You will.”
In an instant, the space between us feels infinite, even though he’s only taken one step backward. I hate the distance so much that it consumes me with shame, but it’s exactly what I need to pull myself from the fog his nearness created.
“I won’t,” I insist, though the words are not as convincing as I had hoped they would be.
“He’ll never be enough.”
“He already is enough,” I argue.
“If that were true, you would have pushed me away. Just admit what we both already know. Admit that you’ll never love anyone the way you love me. End things with Felix and be with me the way we both know you want to be.”
“You don’t know what I want,” I hiss.
“Yes, I do. And one of these days, you’re going to be forced to admit it to yourself too. The only real question is, will you do it before or after you marry the wrong man?”
“Nothing about marrying Felix is wrong. He loves me and I love him.”
“You only love him because you don’t know the truth.”
“If that were true, if there really were some huge secret that would change my mind about him, then why won’t you tell me? Why not just end it now and take me for yourself?”
“Because I want you to choose me, not because of something he did, but because it’s me you truly want.”
“Or because you want to plant just enough doubt that I start to second-guess him at every turn. It won’t work. Because you’re wrong, Nash. I don’t love you more than him. That’s actually what I came here to say all along.”
“Then say it,” he hisses, his expression unreadable.
“What you and I had is over. I held onto you for as long as I could, but eventually, even the strongest grip will give out. I had to let you go, Nash, because if I didn’t, I wasn’t sure I would survive.” I look at the shoebox Nash now has pressed between his hip and his right arm. “Inside that box are seven hundred and thirty letters. I wrote one every day for the first two years you were gone. Read them. Maybe then you’ll understand that the girl who loved you so fiercely, she’s not here anymore. And she’s never coming back. It’s time you let her go.”
When I shove past him this time, he doesn’t stop me. He doesn’t come after me, doesn’t call for me. He simply stands there and watches me walk away.
I was so sure that I died the day he left, but I hadn’t stopped to consider that maybe a small part of me survived. It’s the only way to explain the pain that swallows me whole as I leave Nash standing on the front porch and reluctantly drive away.