Chapter Twelve
Nash
DEAR NASH,
I visited the Pash Pebble today. It felt so different without you. Smaller somehow, like you had taken a bit of our place with you. I sat there for so long my body ached, but I couldn’t seem to find the strength to leave. Afternoon turned to evening, evening to night. Before I knew it, the sun had disappeared completely and darkness had taken its place, and yet, I still remained. I felt paralyzed by the memories we shared there, as if they were holding me hostage. And then, out of nowhere, a wave of panic washed over me, the realization that you were really gone seeming to finally sink in. I couldn’t breathe. I thought for sure I was dying. Everything hurt so much that it was like I was being ripped apart from the seams.
How do I live without you? How do I exist in this place without the person who holds every significant memory I have? I can’t breathe, Nash. I can’t breathe without you. It hurts so bad. I just want the pain to stop. I just want it all to end.
Felix found me. I don’t know how he knew where I’d be. Have you taken him to our spot? What else did you tell him? Does he know what happened there? The memories that haunt it?
He had to carry me out of the woods. I was too weak to even stand. He promised me that eventually it won’t hurt so much, but I don’t think I can believe him. Not when the pain feels so endless I’m sure I’ll die with it.
I still don’t understand how you could just leave. Years of spending every possible moment together and now there’s nothing but emptiness in your stead. Did I mean so little? Was it something I did but you were too afraid to tell me? Is it my fault?
I think that’s what scares me the most, the thought I could have been the very thing that drove you away. But if that were true, how did I not notice? Did you pull away? Were there signs that I ignored? Was I so comfortable in the future I knew we’d have that I grew complacent?
If it is my fault, if I’m the reason you left, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for whatever I did that you felt like there was no other way. If you come back, I promise I’ll do better. I’ll do anything. Just please come home, Nash. Please. I need you.
I love you with all of me,
Paisley
I set the letter aside, my chest heavy with guilt as I pick up another. She put them in order. Every single letter. Every single second of her heartbreak documented in chronological order. I’ve only made it through twenty-eight letters, and in truth, I don’t know how I’m going to keep going. All I know for sure is that I have to. I owe her that much.
Taking a deep inhale through my nose, I pick up the next letter.
Dear Nash,
My mom asked me if I needed to talk to someone today. She and Dad are afraid I’m going to do something drastic. Her words, of course. I tried my best to lie, but I don’t think she believed me. They think I’m going to hurt myself. I think they might be right. I never thought I’d say that. Before all of this, the thought had never even crossed my mind, but now, I think about it every day.
I think about what it would feel like to slip into oblivion. Would I be scared? Would I be relieved? Would it hurt? I lie in bed at night and think about how I would do it.
I considered a razor to my wrists or a gun in my mouth, but then I couldn’t bear for my parents to find me that way. I could jump off a bridge or a building, but you know how much I hate heights. I probably wouldn’t even make it up to the top before chickening out. Pills seem like the easiest option. I could simply go to sleep and that would be that, but I have no idea how many pills it would take or what kind would do the trick, and I’m too scared to look it up out of fear of someone finding out before I can actually do it. A car accident seems like the best way to go. That way, no one will know I willingly ended it, that I took the coward’s way out because I couldn’t do it anymore.
I’ve thought about it a lot. I’d have to ensure that I would die, which is the hardest part. I thought about running my car into a tree at a high speed. That wouldn’t be a guarantee, but maybe if I didn’t wear a seat belt. I doubt I could survive being ejected from a car at those kinds of speeds, but crazier things have happened.
I thought about driving off Wickens Bridge—seemed fitting truly—but I don’t want to drown. I want it to be quick. Quick enough that I don’t suffer. Then again, the physical pain might be a welcome relief from the emotional torment I’ve been living with for the past twenty-nine days.
Then I think about you. What would you do when you found out I was gone? Would you feel bad for leaving? Would you regret it? Would you even mourn me at all? I guess I wouldn’t be around to find out. I mean, unless ghosts really do exist. But if that’s true, then my suffering will never end.
I obviously am still here. I wouldn’t be writing this letter if I had offed myself already. But there are still a few hours left in the day. Who knows, maybe today will be the day I really do end it all. Guess we’ll find out tomorrow.
If there is no tomorrow, though, I want you to know how much I love you. I guess there’s really nothing else left to say.
Paisley
“Jesus,” I mutter aloud, flipping the letter face down on top of the stack of read letters.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard Paisley so low. I knew my leaving would hurt her, of course I did, but I never imagined she would go to such a dark place.
As much as I want to stop, I know I can’t.
Dear Nash,
I tried to do it. I got in my car and drove around for hours, looking for the perfect spot. I was ready. Or at least I thought I was. Only somehow, instead of splattered on the road somewhere, I found myself outside of Felix’s house. He took one look at me and knew exactly what I had been up to.
I didn’t have it in me to feel ashamed. Better people than me have given in to their pain. I would be just another name lost to the abyss and weirdly, I had made my peace with that. Felix didn’t judge me, though. He didn’t yell at me or tell me I was stupid. He just held me while I cried and picked me back up again. He’s been doing that a lot recently.
It’s funny. It took you leaving for me to realize he’s not actually that horrible of a person. I mean, he’s putting up with me, so he can’t be all bad, right?
I don’t know why I keep turning to him. I guess it’s because he’s my only real connection to you. He’s the only person who understands my loss to even a small degree because he lost you too. It isn’t the same, obviously, but in some small way, it makes me feel better.
He said we should do something later today. He thinks a distraction will do me some good. I can’t think of a single thing that would be even remotely bearable, but at this point, I’m willing to try anything.
I know I said I wanted to die, but I’m not sure I have it in me to do it. As I said yesterday, there’s always tomorrow. You never know, I guess. But as for this moment, I’m going to try. For my parents, but mostly, for you. Because Felix made me see that if anything happens to me, you’d never forgive yourself and that he’d be burying two bodies instead of one. For some reason, that really resonated with me. The thought of you dying might be the only thing that keeps me alive.
Whether this is my last letter or not, I want you to know that when my time does come, I loved you until my heart stopped beating... And maybe even after that.
Paisley
I set the letter on top of the others, pretty certain I’m about to be sick. All those years I had convinced myself that I was sparing her, but in reality, I was only sparing myself. Sure, my battle left scars I will never be able to heal from, but I only have myself to blame for those.
But P... She was an innocent victim in all this. A casualty of a war she never even knew had been waged. But unlike me, she soldiered through. She found a way to fight and to survive. Meanwhile, I spent three years numbing myself in every way I possibly could.
It’s a sobering thought finally admitting the truth to yourself. A truth I knew all those years ago—I don’t deserve her. I never have. And maybe Felix isn’t perfect, but at least he was fucking there for her. He put out the fire I started and spent years nursing the burns, all the while, I was off doing unspeakable things so I could have enough money to get my next fix. So really, who’s the better man here? Because it sure as shit isn’t me.
She said she didn’t know if she would be standing here today without him. I now see just how literal that statement was.
I know what I should do. I should finish fixing this house so I can sell it and get the hell out of this town once and for all. And a part of me really believes this is the best option for everyone, but deep down I know I could never do it.
I left once because I thought I was doing right by her. I won’t make that mistake a second time. If she tells me she wants me to leave, I’ll leave. Until then, all I can do is try to make up for all the pain I’ve caused her, for the pain I’m still causing her.
I came barreling back into her life with no warning, never stopping to consider what my return was doing to her, to the life she had built for herself in my absence.
I’m not saying I’m ready to roll over and accept defeat. That’s not my style. But I do think it’s time that Felix and I actually sit down and hash this shit out once and for all.
“YOU MUST HAVE A FUCKING death wish,” Felix grumbles as he climbs out of his truck, having just pulled into his driveway to find me sitting on his front step.
“Relax.” I stand, holding my hands up in front of myself. “I’m just here to talk.”
“What could you possibly want to talk about?” He slams the driver’s side door before moving toward me, his gym bag slung over his shoulder.
“I think that should be pretty obvious.”
“Well, then you wasted a trip.” He shoves past me, damn near knocking me off the step I’m standing on.
“Come on, Felix. A month ago you were chatting me up on the phone like no time had passed,” I remind him.
“That’s before—”
“Before I knew that you had moved in on my girl,” I cut him off. “About that. Care to explain?”
“I don’t owe you anything, least of all an explanation.” He opens the front door, no doubt preparing to shut the damn thing in my face.
“Maybe not, but perhaps you owe Paisley one,” I offer, doing my best to keep my voice relaxed.
“And what makes you think that?” he sneers.
“You know why.” The threat is so apparent, I might as well have said the words.
“So that’s why you’re here, to blackmail me?” He drops his bag inside the door before stepping fully back out onto porch.
“It doesn’t have to come to that. I really do just want to talk.”
The indecision on his face is apparent, but that doesn’t stop him from gesturing to the chairs to his right.
Good. That means his fear of Paisley learning who he really is outweighs his disdain for me. At least I have that working in my favor.
He takes a seat, waiting until I’ve lowered myself into the other chair.
“You wanna talk, then talk.”
“I came here in part to thank you,” I start.
“Thank me?” He draws back, confusion tugging at his features.
“I’ve recently learned what a huge impact you had on Paisley’s life and just how much you helped her, especially in those early days after I had left.”
“Let me guess, this has something to do with the letters.”
“You know about those?” I honestly hadn’t considered this was something Paisley would have shared with Felix, but then again, I guess it makes sense. They were friends first.
“Of course I do. Paisley and I don’t keep secrets from each other.”
“So then you’ve told her about—”
“Some things are better left in the past,” he cuts me off, not even allowing me to say the words.
“I doubt she’d see it that way.”
“I thought that’s not why you came here,” he reminds me.
It’s so strange. I can so clearly remember a time when Felix was my closest friend. Outside of Paisley, Felix is really the only person who knew me, the real me, not the one who played a part for everyone else. Countless times I’ve sat on this porch and yet, this is the first time I feel like an outsider instead of part of his family.
I wonder what his mom would think if she saw the two of us now...
“It’s not,” I finally say after a long moment. “You and I were like brothers once. I was hoping we could find a way to put down our weapons and find some common ground, for Paisley’s sake.”
“Does this mean you’re ready to accept that she and I are planning a life together?”
“I don’t know that I could ever fully accept that, Felix, but I’d like to think I’m man enough to respect whatever Paisley decides.”
“What she decides? You talk like you still have a chance.”
“You’d be foolish not to consider that maybe I do.”
“I’m not doing this with you.” He pushes to a stand.
“Sit the fuck back down, Felix.” I say it so casually, it’s as if I were asking about the weather.
“You don’t come to my house, say shit like that, and think you can tell me what to do,” he hisses.
“If you love her the way I think you do, you’ll sit the fuck back down.” I cross my legs at the ankles, making myself comfortable.
Even though he looks like he wants to rip my head clean off my shoulders, he does as I say, lowering himself back into the chair.
“As I was saying.” I clear my throat. “I want to thank you for being there for her when I wasn’t. Whatever your motives, you kept her here, alive and breathing, and for that, I will always be indebted to you. I think it’s pretty obvious why I came back. Of course, had I had all the information...” I give him a knowing look before continuing. “Then maybe I would have made a different decision. But as it is, I’m here now, and I’m not planning on going anywhere. At least not until Paisley tells me to. But that doesn’t mean the shit between us has to continue.”
“So you’re ready to back off?”
“I love her, Felix. You already know that. I know I’ve been gone four years, but in that time, that love didn’t fade. If anything, it grew stronger. Because it was the thought of her that kept me going. As much as I want her to choose me, if she chooses you, I will learn to live with that decision. But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to give up.”
“What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Tell you it’s okay to try to steal the love of my life?”
“But isn’t that exactly what you did to me?” I cock my head to the side, studying his reaction closely.
“That’s different. You left.”
“You’re right, I did. And I asked my best friend to watch out for my girl while I was gone. That was my second mistake. My biggest mistake was leaving in the first place.”
“It’s not like we planned this, you know? You leaving brought us closer together. I can’t help that I fell in love with her. You, of all people, should understand how easy that is to do.”
“No, but you lied to her, and you lied to me. You can tell her you were protecting her until you’re blue in the face, but we both know why you really didn’t tell her. Because you knew if she knew the truth, you never would have stood a chance with her. You won her by default, Felix. You never were one to fight fair, though, were you?”
“She chose me because she loves me.”
“I don’t doubt that she does love you, Felix. But we both know what you two have doesn’t hold a candle to what we share. One day, she’s going to let herself admit that, and when that day comes, I will be waiting for her with open arms.”
“That won’t happen.” He roughly shoves his hair away from his forehead.
“I guess we’ll just have to see, won’t we?” I shrug. “Until then, I won’t interfere in your relationship. I’ll keep my distance. But, Felix,” I say as I stand, “if she seeks me out, I won’t hesitate to do everything in my power to win her back.” I turn to leave.
“Does that mean you won’t tell her what you know?” he says to my back.
“That would be too easy.” I glance back at him. “No, I want you to know that when she chooses me, it’s for no other reason than I’m the one she wants.”
“That won’t happen.” He waits until I’ve descended the steps to say.
“You do know, no matter what happens, one day she will learn the truth, and when that day comes, this happy little lie you’ve been telling yourself is all going to come crashing down.” I barely get the words out before Paisley’s white car pulls into the driveway, a smile touching my lips at the sight of her. “You have a good day, old friend.”
I reach my car just as Paisley climbs from hers.
“Nash...” Her expression is a mixture of worry and confusion.
“Don’t worry, P. No blood was shed,” I tell her with a wink, climbing into my car without another word.
I’m careful not to look back as I pull out of the driveway. As much as it kills me to do so, I meant what I said to Felix. I’m done interfering. If Paisley decides she wants to see me, she knows where to find me. Until then, I’ll be holding my fucking breath...