Fragments of You

Chapter Fourteen

Paisley

“EARTH TO PAISLEY.”

I jump when a hand waves in front of my face.

“What the...” I turn to find Ashley standing next to me, an amused smile on her face. “Sorry, what?”

“I was asking if you called Dino’s family yet.” She shakes her head. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just a little... distracted.” I swallow past the hard knot in my throat, the one that’s been there since I left Felix’s yesterday.

He hasn’t answered a single call or text, not that I can blame him. What was I thinking saying what I said? I feel like maybe I had been possessed and a demon was speaking through me. It’s the only explanation as to why I just spat in the face of a man who has done nothing but love me, despite everything.

But if that were true, then that would mean that I didn’t mean what I said, and as hard as it is for me to admit, I did mean it. I hate myself for it, but it doesn’t change the facts.

“I can see that.” She chuckles softly. “Everything okay?”

“Define okay.” I sigh heavily, turning away from the computer in front of me to face her fully.

“Let me guess, it has something to do with a certain blue-eyed hottie that recently resurfaced?”

“Something like that,” I grumble.

“So what happened?”

“I don’t think I could explain it if I tried.”

“Well, considering I just saw you Monday and you seemed fine. I’m guessing it’s pretty big.”

“You could say that.”

“Don’t leave me in suspense here. What happened?”

“Nash,” I state flatly. “Nash happened.”

“Okayyyy.” She draws out. “You gotta give me more than that.”

“He’s got me so messed up, Ash. Like, I feel like I’m losing my mind. I tell myself not to think about him and somehow, he’s all I can think about. Most of the time I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t care, only to be forced to admit that I do. And now, everything is just so messed up.” The tears I’ve yet to shed tickle my eyelashes, threatening to finally spill over.

“Come now.” She touches my bicep, giving me a reassuring pat. “Things can’t be that bad.”

“You sure? Because I told Felix I needed time to figure some things out where Nash is concerned.”

“Oh shit. How did that go?”

“About as well as you could expect. He basically told me to go pound sand and kicked me off his property.”

“He didn’t?” Her lips part in a silent gasp.

“I didn’t even mean to say it. He was pressuring me to tell Nash to leave and I don’t know what came over me. I just couldn’t stomach the thought of him leaving again, not when I just got him back. But then it’s like, what is that all about, right? He completely screwed me over, and now here I am, setting fire to my entire life, and for what?” I throw my arms out, continuing to ramble. “Like up until yesterday, all I wanted was for Nash to leave so Felix and I could go back to the way things were, so why, when he asked me to tell Nash that I wanted him to leave, did I feel like I was dying on the inside?”

“Because, sweetie.” She gives me an understanding look that makes me feel even more on edge than I already do. “You still love him.”

“But why?” I croak, swiping angrily at a tear that manages to escape.

“Because what you and Nash had was different. Something that most people never experience in their lives. I knew that just by watching the two of you over the years. When you love someone like that, with your whole self, I can’t imagine you ever truly stop.”

“Loving him has only ever brought me pain. I’m supposed to be getting married in a few weeks! What am I doing?”

“You’re wrong. Loving him has brought you so much more than pain. Yes, he hurt you, but there’s much more to your story than just hurt. Think about all the memories you’ve shared over the years. You’re trying to overshadow all the good with the bad because you’re afraid if you let him back in, all there will ever be is bad.”

“I wouldn’t survive what he did to me a second time.”

“What if there isn’t a second time?”

“What do you mean?”

“If you could guarantee that Nash would never leave again and that you would spend the rest of your lives together, would you choose him?”

“That’s irrelevant. I can’t see the future.”

“That’s not the point. Would you choose him?” she repeats.

“I can’t answer that.”

“Yes, you can. Would you choose him?” she repeats more forcefully.

“Yes!” The word explodes from my mouth with so much intensity that I feel physically impacted by it.

My eyes widen as I realize what I’ve just admitted. If I could ensure that what happened with Nash would never happen again, I wouldn’t choose Felix... I’d choose Nash.

It’s a hard pill to force down my throat, admitting something that deep down I think I’ve always known.

“Then you have your answer.”

“It’s not that simple. The parameters you set are not realistic,” I argue.

“Does it really matter? The heart wants what it wants, Paisley. The more you fight it, the worse it’s going to get.”

“I love Felix.” Another tear slides down my cheek, and again, I swipe it away.

“I know you do.”

“I won’t hurt him.”

“You’re already hurting him,” she speaks the hard truth.

“So what do I do?”

“My advice, figure this shit out with Nash. Whether you decide he’s worth the risk or not, you owe Felix, and yourself, that much. If you don’t, you’re going to wake up in ten years and realize you wish you had done things differently, but by then, it’ll be too late.”

“When did you get so smart?” I snort, grappling for any emotion that isn’t the indecision and uncertainty I have felt every waking moment for the last several days. Even when I tried to pretend like everything was fine, I knew it wasn’t.

Really, none of this is news. I’ve known it all along. But knowing something and allowing yourself to admit it are two very different things.

“Girl, please, I’ve always been a genius.” She bats her lashes dramatically. “Now, what are you going to do?”

“At the moment, I’m going to get back to work before I get fired.”

“What? No, you need to go see Nash.”

“I still have an hour left of my shift.”

“Well, lucky for you, I’m scheduled off at four, and I’m happy to stay and cover your last hour.”

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You didn’t ask. I offered. You can pay me back by telling me everything on Monday. I’ll be waiting with bated breath until then.”

“You’re sure?”

“Absolutely, I am! Go.”

“Thank you, Ashley.” I pull her in for a quick hug.

“That’s what friends are for.” She squeezes me back. “Now go.” She shoos me toward the door that leads back upstairs.

“Thank you,” I mouth as I whip around and take off upstairs, suddenly a woman on a mission.

I have no idea what I’m going to say to Nash when I get there, but Ashely’s right. The longer this goes on, the worse it’s going to get. I need to figure out what I truly want, even though doing so will hurt someone I love.

At the end of the day, I have to be true to myself. I can’t do something because I feel an obligation to. I have to do it because that’s what I truly want. And until I actually sort out my feelings for Nash, I’ll never be able to walk down the aisle and marry another man.

Felix’s face crosses through my mind like a photograph and for a brief moment, I second-guess myself. I would rather die than hurt that man. But even knowing that, I push on, knowing I’m not doing this to Felix. I’m doing it for him, even if it doesn’t seem like it now.

He deserves to marry someone who is all in. It’s about time I figure out if that someone is me. If it’s not, I have to let him go. And if it is, I have to find a way to let Nash go once and for all.

I’m on the cusp of a decision that could alter the course of my entire life. I better be damn sure it’s the right one.

“P?” THE SURPRISE IN Nash’s voice is almost as clear as the expression he’s wearing when he opens the door to find me standing on his front porch.

It’s so strange being here again. I was so certain the last time I left, I’d never return, and yet, here I am just a few short days later.

I take a brief moment to drink in the sight of him. White T-shirt streaked with dirt. Jeans that look like they’ve survived a war. A backward ballcap covering what I know to be thick, dark hair that I used to love running my fingers through. His scruffy facial hair. His icy blue eyes. The smudge of dirt along his left cheek. His dirty hands. God, even in a state of disrepair, he’s still the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.

I hate that that’s the first thought I have, but it’s true. I’ve always thought so. And while sure, maybe he’s not your typical version of beauty—all rough edges and hard lines rather than clean-cut and composed—to me, he’s perfection. He always has been.

It’s clear I’ve caught him in the middle of working, though he doesn’t seem to mind as he opens the door further, silently inviting me inside.

“Sorry to just show up like this.” I finally find my voice as I step over the threshold, a feeling of nostalgia washing over me the instant the door closes behind me, sealing me inside.

I didn’t spend a lot of time here as a kid or anything as my parents didn’t want me anywhere near Nash’s father, but every now and then, when his dad wasn’t home, we’d sneak back here and... Well, you can use your imagination.

This place may not be as prevalent as the rocks or the bridge, but there is still so much of our history trapped within the walls. So much so that I feel almost suffocated by it.

“You’re always welcome here, P, you know that.” I feel him behind me as I look around the room, which looks so much different than I remember.

The old, worn furniture is gone. There are no empty liquor bottles or ashtrays overflowing with cigarette butts, though funnily, I can still smell the smoke in the air. The old, stained carpets are gone, revealing the subfloors below, and from my vantage point, I can see the kitchen is in a similar state, the cabinets and countertops having already been removed.

“You’ve really done a lot of work here.” I move farther into the space.

“Yeah, it was in pretty rough shape when I arrived. I didn’t know if I should start working or burn the damn thing down.” There’s a hint of anger and sadness behind the words he tries to mask with humor.

“Are you going to sell it?” I ask, finally turning around to face him, wishing that my heart didn’t react the second our eyes meet. Unfortunately, the stupid organ has reminded me too often as of late that she’s the one in charge, whether I like it or not.

“That depends, I guess.”

“On what?” I’m hesitant to ask.

“On you.” The tenderness in his voice makes me feel off balance.

“Me?” I feign surprise at his words, but really, I already knew what he was going to say when I asked the question.

“Oh, come on, P, we both know you have all the power here. Whether I stay, whether I go, it all hinges on you.”

“Why? Why can’t you just do what you want to do regardless of me?”

“Because that’s not how this works, and you know it. If you go through with this wedding, if you marry Felix, do you honestly believe I could stay and watch the two of you live happily ever after? Would you if the roles were reversed?”

“I suppose not.” I allow myself to admit.

“Why are you here?” He asks the question he should have asked when he opened the door to find me standing there.

“I don’t know.”

It’s not untrue. I don’t know. The entire drive over, I tried to convince myself that I needed to do this, but honestly, I think I just wanted to, and I had to find a way to give myself permission.

“Did something happen with Felix?”

“Why would you think that?”

“Because you’re here,” he states the obvious.

“No,” I lie, my mind drifting back to the look on Felix’s face as he demanded I leave. A part of me was so devastated, but I can’t deny another part of me, albeit a small part, was kind of relieved, which in turn only makes me feel worse. “I mean, yes.” I blow out a hard breath. “I don’t even know anymore.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.” I let out a humorless laugh. “Can we just be here? Can we just exist here without talking about the past or about the future? Can we just be Nash and Paisley for a little bit?”

“Okay.”

“What are you working on?” I look around, spotting a sledgehammer on the floor next to a small hole in the wall. “Are you taking that wall out?” I gesture to the vicinity of where I’m looking.

“Trying to give the place a little more of an open concept.”

“Great. Can I help?”

“You want to help me demo?”

“Very much.” I nod, the thought of having something to take my aggression out on very enticing.

“All right then.” He waves his arm in a way of saying go for it . “Have at it.”

“Okay.” I move toward the wall, setting my cell and keys on the still-intact breakfast bar before letting my hand wrap around the handle of the hammer.

I’m just about to pick it up when Nash’s voice stops me.

“Hang on there. First, we need to gear you up.”

“Gear me up?” I arch a brow in his direction, watching his backside when he turns and digs through a tool cabinet that he’s rolled into the center of the living room.

Seconds later, he approaches with a pair of gloves and safety goggles.

“Here.” He hands me the gloves. “Safety first.” He smiles as he slides the goggles onto my face, his fingers lingering on my cheek just long enough that I know the contact is intentional. “There, all set.”

“How do I look?” I give him a cheeky smile.

“Like the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

Warmth spreads across my cheeks.

“I doubt that, but thanks.” I brush off his compliment, even though I still feel the effects of it long after he’s spoken the words. “So I just...” I lift the hammer and do a half swing, surprised by the weight of the damn thing.

“You want to be mindful of the support beams.” He steps closer, showing me the general area of where they are. “Take one of those out and the roof may very well come down on our heads.”

“Don’t hit the support beams, got it. Anything else?” I glance over to find him watching me, a small smile playing on his full lips.

“Nope. You got it.” He steps back, giving me room to swing.

Hoisting the sledgehammer up, I swing it like a baseball bat, taking out a huge chunk of plaster and drywall on my first hit.

Smiling like a fool, I swing again, the crack of the plaster so satisfying that I ache to keep going, and I do. Swing after swing, I watch the wall come down, revealing the dining room that stands on the other side. A dining room that was once only used for trash and storage. I don’t ever remember seeing so much as a chair in there, let alone an actual table. Now, the room sits eerily empty.

This is not what I had in mind when I said I needed to figure things out with Nash, but oddly, it feels like exactly what I needed. To take out my aggression. To forget about everything that’s at stake and just be in the moment.

The crack of the hammer drowns it all out. All the doubt. All the fear. All the uncertainty. It fades more with every swing. With every chunk of wall that falls at my feet. The entire experience is exhausting and yet so satisfying, that when nothing but the support beams exist, I’m already looking for the next wall to sink my hammer into.

“What’s next?” I turn to find Nash bent down next to a saw on the floor, measuring a long piece of wood.

“Well, first, we have to get the new support beam in, then we remove those.” He gestures to the only thing left standing.

“Okay, how do we put the new support beam in?”

“Well, it has to go up there.” He gestures to the ceiling above me.

“How do we get it up there?”

“We put it up there.”

“How?”

“By lifting it up there.” He chuckles at the look on my face. “Don’t worry, I hired a contractor to do that part. No way we’d be able to get it up there. I’m just getting it ready.”

“Okay, well, is there something else I can do?”

“You’re not over it yet?”

“Are you kidding? I’m just getting started.” I swing the sledgehammer back and forth at my side.

“Well, I’m planning on knocking out the wall between my old bedroom and my father’s old room.”

“Why?”

“I figured I’d rather have one big master bedroom than two small rooms.”

“But if you sell, two is more practical.”

“ If I sell,” he reminds me.

I swallow hard at the way he looks at me, not sure if I want to run into his arms and beg him to never let me go again or run for the freaking hills. The intensity of his gaze terrifies me as much as it excites me, and the array of emotions is a stark contrast from one another.

“Would you stay here? I mean, if you stay in town, would you live in this house?”

“Once I rebuild most of it, maybe. The land is beautiful and it really is so peaceful out here.”

“I guess I’m surprised you’d want to... You know, after everything that happened here,” I say almost apologetically.

“A house is not what happens inside of it. At the end of the day, it’s just a house. It’s the only good thing my father ever did, buying this place. It’s weirdly satisfying knowing he wouldn’t want me to have it, but it’s mine just the same.”

“So, in a way, you’re doing it to spite him.”

“I hadn’t really thought about it before now, but yeah, I guess I am.” He lifts his shoulder in a half-shrug.

“In that case, show me which wall I’m tearing down.”

“You know you don’t have to do this,” he reminds me.

“I know. Now do you want to show me, or do you want me to just start knocking shit down?” I can’t help but smile when he smiles, the sight infectious.

“Maybe I’ll show you.” He laughs, lifting from his kneeling position.

“Smart choice,” I tell him as he passes me, my breath catching in my throat when he abruptly stops, his hand reaching out to touch my hair.

“What are you doing?” I tilt my head.

“Relax.” Another chuckle. “You have some drywall in your hair,” he tells me, pulling a small chunk from my long waves before holding it up in front of my face.

“Oh, thanks,” I say, mildly embarrassed because my mind had gone somewhere else entirely when he touched me.

“You might want to tie your hair back. Otherwise, you’re going to be taking bits of plaster and drywall home with you.”

I jump when his other hand grazes my wrist.

“Glad to see some things haven’t changed.”

It takes me longer than it should to realize what he’s saying. In fact, I don’t actually understand until he gently snaps the hair tie on my wrist.

“Oh, yeah.” I play it off like I knew what he was talking about all along. “You don’t have hair like mine and leave the house without a hair tie.” I pull my hand back, sliding the band from my wrist before making quick work of tying my long hair up into a messy bun. “There,” I announce when I’m done.

“I always did love your hair like this,” he tells me, staring at me for a long moment. My breath catches in my throat and for a brief moment, I almost think he’s going to try to kiss me, but then he abruptly turns and walks away, leaving me standing in the middle of the living room by myself. “Are you coming?” he hollers after me, snapping me from my trance.

“Yeah,” I call back, trying to shake off whatever the hell that was. If I didn’t know any better, I would say I’m almost disappointed. But that can’t be right. How could I possibly want him to kiss me when I’m engaged to his best friend? Or well, his ex-best friend. Though that’s a moot point.

I wouldn’t have let him , I reassure myself. I may be confused and in a really weird place right now, but I am no cheater. If the day comes that I let Nash kiss me, it’ll be because Felix and I are no longer together, and not a second before. Not that I think that’s actually going to happen. At this point, I have no intention of ending things with Felix. No, right now, I’m just trying to figure things out.

With my resolve firmly in place, I take off down the hall after him.

Walking into Nash’s old bedroom is harder than I thought it would be. Unlike the other rooms, this one appears untouched. From the twin bed in the corner, to the old dresser held level by a book shoved under the front leg, to the faded posters and pictures that still pepper the walls, it feels like I’ve just stepped back in time.

I move through the room slowly, looking at old pictures hung in various places with no real rhyme or reason to their placement.

Pictures of us, from a time that feels so long ago and yet, so close I could almost reach out and touch it. Group pictures from parties and gatherings where everyone seems so carefree and happy. Then again, I guess back then that’s exactly what we were. Too young to be inundated by the strains of adulthood but old enough to appreciate these moments as they happened, knowing that things wouldn’t always be so simple.

I stop at a picture of Nash and Felix. They’re on a boat, both in swim trunks with no shirts on, their skin so tan that I have no doubt the picture was taken toward the end of summer. They’re sitting at the front of the boat, Felix stretched out, his long legs hanging over the sides, face tilted back toward the person holding the camera. Nash is next to him, sitting upright, looking over his shoulder with a grin.

They seem so at ease, like they don’t have a care in the world. Only, that’s not true because I know when this was taken and it was the summer Felix’s mom was diagnosed with cancer, and given what I know now, Nash was already using at this point. So really, this picture is a lie. Only it’s not at the same time. Because back then, neither was happier than when they were able to escape life and really live in the moment, a moment much like the one in this picture.

“You two were always so close,” I finally say after several long beats of silence have stretched between us. I can feel his eyes on me, precisely where they’ve been since I entered the room.

“Yeah,” he softly agrees.

“I hate what I’ve done to your friendship,” I admit.

“You didn’t do anything to our friendship. That was Felix, and Felix alone.”

“That’s not true.” I turn to face him, my heart heavy in my chest. “After you left, I clung to him like a lifeline. He was all I had left of you. I made it impossible for him to draw a line between us. We were friends, and then suddenly, we were something more.”

“I don’t need you to say it.” He shakes his head. “Your letters were detailed enough.”

“You read them?” I don’t know why, but I’m kind of surprised by this. Not that he read them, I knew he’d at least read a few, but that he made it far enough to know when I started developing feelings for Felix.

“Every single one.” He holds my gaze.

“That’s why you went to see Felix. To tell him you were going to back off.”

“Felix did me one favor in all of this... He made it so you were still here when I came back.” The sadness that overtakes his expression damn near guts me right on the spot. “I’ll never be able to repay him for that. I felt like I owed him enough that I was willing to take a step back and let you figure things out on your own.”

“So you were just going to give up?” I ask, almost irritated, but that’s not really the right word. Disappointed maybe, though I don’t show it.

“On you? Never.” He shakes his head adamantly. “But I see now what I did, how deeply I hurt you, and I don’t want to keep hurting you. As much as I want to go back to the way things were, I now know that’s not possible. But not being able to go back doesn’t mean we can’t move forward. I still believe in us, P. I still believe there’s a chance for us. There has to be.”

“And what if you’re wrong?”

“Then I’ll let you go.”

The thought makes me want to crumble into a ball at his feet, but I hold my head high, not letting a single thing show through my carefully placed armor.

“I know it must be hard for you, coming back after all this time and finding the two people who were closest to you had moved on without you. I never meant for any of this to happen; I hope you know that.”

“Everything that has happened since I left is on me, P. I did this to us, I know that.”

“I love Felix,” I say, needing him to really hear me.

“I know you do.”

“But that doesn’t mean that I don’t also love you.” The intensity of his stare increases tenfold, so much so that his gaze paralyzes me. “I think I always will, no matter how much time has passed. You were my childhood. My first love. My first everything... I will carry you with me always, whether we’re together or not, because you are a part of me.”

“P...”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen. Because for as much as I love Felix, and as deeply as I want to marry him, one thing continues to remain true.”

“And what’s that?” I can tell by the look on his face that it’s taking everything in him to stay where he is and not cross the room toward me.

“He’s not you.” The words find their way past my lips, no matter how desperately I try to hold them in.

The invisible tether holding him in place snaps in an instant, and before I can even pull in a breath, he’s in front of me, his hands on my face, his eyes boring into mine.

“Say the words and I’m yours, P. Hell, I’m already yours. I’ve always been yours. I’ll always be yours.” There’s a desperation to his voice I can’t say I’ve ever heard before. A vulnerability he’s always kept just out of my reach.

“He’s not you,” I repeat a second time, using every ounce of willpower I have to pull his hands from my face, which he very reluctantly lets me do. “I’ve yet to decide if that’s a bad thing, Nash.” My words cause him to take a step back. “I may not love him the way I loved you, but loving you nearly killed me. I don’t think I could ever allow myself to love that completely ever again, no matter how much I want to. So is it that I don’t love him enough or that I loved you too much? I can’t decide.”

“You’re a part of me too, you know.” He touches on something I said earlier. “Down to my very fucking core, there isn’t an ounce of my body or soul that doesn’t bear the mark of you. Without you, I don’t know who the fuck I am. An empty shell. A hollow man haunted by the mistakes of a past he can’t change, no matter how much he wishes he fucking could. You are my light, P, and I’m terrified that without you, I’ll live the rest of my life shrouded in darkness. There is only one thing I fear more than relapsing...”

“What’s that?” I finally ask when he still hasn’t finished his thought after several seconds, which honestly feels more like minutes. Hell, hours even.

“Never getting to feel whole again.”

“Nash...” So many emotions flood through me.

Anger for what he kept from me.

Betrayal for what he did to me.

Sadness for what he went through.

Guilt for falling in love with Felix.

Confusion for how I feel about Nash and about Felix.

Pure and utter devastation for the impossible decision I now face.

“I just want you to know, whatever you decide, it won’t change the way I feel about you. Even if you marry Felix. Even if you go on to live a happy and full life without me. I will love you until my last breath.” He repeats the closing line of the very last letter I wrote.

I remember it like it was written yesterday.

“This is... It’s too much,” I tell him, starting to lose some of my composure. “I hate you for what you did. I hate you for leaving. I hate you for coming back. But more than anything, I hate that despite everything, I can’t shake you. I’ve tried. For years, I’ve tried. Hell, I’m still trying.”

“Then stop trying. Be with me. Choose me. Love me.”

“I do love you. Can’t you see that? That’s why we’re in this mess to begin with. Because no matter what you freaking do to me, I can’t stop loving you. But I want to, Nash. I want so desperately to hate you that I was almost able to convince myself that I did. But then you came back, and nothing has been right since.”

“Do you want me to leave?” he cuts in.

“What?” I’m caught off guard by the abrupt shift.

“Do you want me to leave?” He steps closer, so close I can feel the warmth of him everywhere. “Because I will. For you, P, I would live the rest of my days in misery so that you could be happy. I would do anything for you. Anything.” His fingers find mine, squeezing. “Tell me to leave, and I’m gone, and you can go back to your life before I came back.”

“No, I can’t. Don’t you see? There is no going back.”

“Tell me what I can do. What do you want from me?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you know?”

“Because I don’t!” I rip my hand from his. “I love Felix. I love you. I don’t want to hurt either of you.”

“You’re already hurting us!” He throws his arms up in the air. “Can’t you see that? You’re hurting him with your indecision. You’re hurting me just being here!”

His words hurt a hell of a lot more than I ever expected them to.

“Well, then, in that case, I guess I should leave.” I go to move toward the door, but he immediately cuts me off. “Just let me go, Nash. If me being here is too much for you, let me leave, and I promise I won’t come back.”

“That isn’t what I want. I’m not saying I don’t want you here. I’m saying that it kills me that you’re here, and I can’t touch you. That I can’t hold you or kiss you. That I can’t tell you how much I love you and that all I want is to spend the rest of my life making you so fucking happy that the pain I caused is nothing more than a distant memory. But I can’t. I can’t do any of that while you’re wearing that.” He points to my left hand, to the diamond sitting on my ring finger. “So yeah, it hurts me that you’re here. But it hurts me even more when you’re not.”

“Why did you come back?”

“What do you mean, why did I come back? I came back for you!”

“But why now?”

“I already told you. I wanted to make sure I could stay clean without you. I needed to be able to stand on my own two feet before coming back. I had to make sure I was a man who deserved a second chance before I ever asked for one.”

“And you feel confident that you’re that man now?”

“No.” He shakes his head softly. “I mean, yes, I’m confident that I can stay clean. But I’m not sure I’ll ever deserve a second chance, whether you give me one or not. I didn’t deserve you back then, P, and I sure as fuck don’t deserve you now. But I’m still the same selfish bastard I’ve always been, and I’m going to ask for it anyway.”

“You’ve been to see my parents.” It’s not a question.

“I have.”

“Why?”

“Because they were the closest thing I ever had to real parents. They looked after me. They welcomed me into their home. And I repaid them by breaking their daughter’s heart and disappearing for four years.”

“They’ve always looked at you like a son. You could burn the world to the ground and they’d still find a way to forgive you.”

“Funny enough, your mom said something similar to me the first time I visited. I wasn’t aware they had told you that I had stopped by.”

“They didn’t. My sister told Felix.”

“I wasn’t aware your sister and Felix still spoke.”

“He’s my fiancé. Of course they speak.”

He tries to hide the flinch that tugs at his features at the word fiancé, but I still catch it. I briefly consider what that would be like if the roles were reversed. How would I feel hearing him refer to someone in such a way? I’m quick to push away the sudden panic that floods my gut.

“It would make for rather awkward get-togethers if they didn’t,” I finally finish, trying not to let the direction of my thoughts show on my face.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“I just didn’t realize they were close.”

“They aren’t. She said it as a way to hurt us.”

“Us?”

“Please... Celine doesn’t miss an opportunity to rub something in my face she knows will bother me. The fact that my parents were seeing the enemy behind my back... Oh, she just couldn’t wait to throw that in Felix’s and my faces the first chance she got.”

“So I’m the enemy now?”

“Not to be mean, but yes, you kind of are. You’re the one who imploded my entire life. What title did you expect I’d give you?”

“I don’t know... Not the enemy.” He pulls his hat off his head, smoothing back his hair before putting it back into place. “I can stop visiting them if that’s what you want.”

“That would be unfair to my parents. I know how happy they both are that you’re back. But it’s hard for Felix because they’ve never truly accepted him.”

“Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why that is?”

“I already know why,” I’m quick to say. “It’s because when they look at him, all they see is the party boy he was in high school. They see the girls and the booze and all the trouble he caused, and they just assume he’s the same person as he was back then. To be clear, he isn’t. Far from it actually. Losing his mom changed him in a profound way. Losing you changed him too.”

“Funny, he didn’t seem all that changed to me,” he sneers.

“That’s because he doesn’t let you see the real him. Why would he? You’re threatening everything he holds dear.”

“Everything he holds dear, he stole from me.” His nostrils flare with aggravation.

“You mean, he pieced back together everything you shattered and threw away. He stole nothing. You practically handed me right to him. He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve to pay the price for someone else’s mistakes.”

“You speak as if he’s not drowning in mistakes of his own.”

“Aren’t we all?” My voice rises as I once again look around the old room, feeling a type of guilt that only happens when you truly know you’re doing something wrong. “I shouldn’t be here.” I take a step backward toward the door. “I love Felix. I want to be with Felix.”

“If that were true, you wouldn’t have come here at all.”

I ignore the voice in my head that says he’s right.

“It’s you. You being here. It’s dredging up all this stuff from the past and I can’t compartmentalize it all.”

“You can blame me all you want, but we both know if Felix were who you truly wanted, my coming back wouldn’t have affected your relationship.” His words hit a spot I didn’t even realize I had been trying to protect.

“I have to go.” I turn, taking off through the house.

I feel Nash close behind me, but I keep going, slowing only to grab my keys and phone before shoving my way outside moments later.

“P, wait.” He grabs my forearm just feet before I reach my car. Spinning me around as if I weigh nothing, he keeps one hand on my arm while the other moves up to push a tendril of hair away from my face, the two touches wildly different. “Don’t leave.”

“I have to.” Tears threaten for what feels like the millionth time over the last few days.

I haven’t cried this much since the year after Nash left. I cried so much back then that I wasn’t sure how there were tears left in my body to cry, and then one day, they just stopped. I had somehow found a way to barricade the floodgates, but leaks have been springing all over the place since his return.

I’m trying so hard to pretend that life can be what it was before he came back, but deep down, I don’t know if that’s possible anymore. Will I ever be able to look at Felix and not wonder if I chose the right person?

I wish I could say I knew the answer to that with complete certainty. Maybe if I did, this all wouldn’t be so hard.

“Why?” His eyes search mine for an answer I’m not even sure I could give.

“I can’t do this to Felix,” I croak.

“But you can do this to yourself? You can marry a man you’re not even sure you love.”

“I do love him!”

“But you’re not sure that it’s enough,” he says softly.

“I never said that.”

“If you’re so sure he’s the one, then let me go, P. Because this is killing me.”

“It’s killing you? How do you think I feel?”

“You have all the power here. Tell me to leave. Tell me to leave, and I will. I will walk away and you won’t ever see me again.”

Just as when Felix had asked me to do this, the task feels impossible. Like doing so would be ripping my own heart out and sending it away. I don’t have to wonder why that is. I already know. Because Nash is my heart. He always has been.

“I need to go.” I pull away from his touch, afraid of what I might do if I stand here a moment longer.

“Then go,” he says, not interfering as I climb into my car and quickly fire the engine to life.

I hesitate for the briefest moment before popping the car into drive. Nash watches me with quiet resign as I do a U-turn in the middle of his front yard and speed away, my heart ramrodding inside my chest as I realize one very important thing—he was right about what he said about Felix. If I loved him the way I claim to, Nash coming back wouldn’t have put me in such a tailspin.

And now that I’m letting myself admit this fact, the only real question that remains is, what the hell do I do now?