Chapter Sixteen
Nash
I DROP THE SCRAPS OF wood into the dumpster I rented, wiping the beads of sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand. It’s hot as fuck today. I mean, it’s always hot. It is the South, after all, but today is damn near insufferable. Doesn’t make for a very productive workday, especially when you haven’t had the new HVAC system installed. Even with fans running, it’s just as hot inside the house as it is out here.
The sound of tires coming up my driveway pulls my attention to the front of the property, my heart kicking against my ribs at the thought that it might be Paisley.
Our last encounter flashes through my mind. The way she looked at me. The things she said. I honestly wasn’t sure I stood even a marginal chance of making up for what I did to her until that day. Now, for the first time in a very long time, I have real hope that maybe, just maybe, I can prove to her that I’m a man who deserves her, even if deep down I know I don’t.
Disappointment seeps into the edges as I quickly realize it’s not Paisley speeding up my driveway, but Iris.
Don’t get me wrong, Iris’s friendship has meant a lot to me these past few weeks, but the fact still remains, she’s not P. And right now, she’s the only person I want to see.
Iris parks the car in the dead center of the driveway, not bothering to pull off to the side as she kills the engine and quickly climbs from the driver’s seat. I know the instant I see her face that something’s wrong.
“Iris...” I arch a brow in question as she approaches.
“How could you?”
I don’t try to hide that her question confuses me.
“Hello to you too,” I say instead.
“Celine, Nash. Are you kidding me?”
Confusion quickly morphs into something else entirely.
“How did you—” I don’t even get a chance to finish the question.
“Paisley.” She puffs her cheeks, letting out a forceful breath.
“How did she—” Again, I’m cut off.
“Felix came clean.”
“He what?” My jaw goes slack.
“Apparently, he was convinced it was only a matter of time before you spilled his big secret, and he wanted Paisley to hear it from him. I guess he thought maybe if he was the one to tell her, she could find a way to forgive him.”
“And did she?”
“I think the bigger question you should be asking yourself is will she forgive you?”
“Me?” I act like the idea is absurd, but in reality, it’s the very reason I hadn’t told her myself.
“You knew that Felix was sleeping with her fifteen-year-old sister, and you never said a word. Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.” She calls me on the lie.
“How pissed is she?” I ask instead of answering.
“On a scale of one to nuclear meltdown, I would say she’s the latter. She just found out the man she was supposed to marry next month slept with her sister behind her back for two full years and that he and her sister have been hiding it from her this entire time. And that the man she has loved basically her entire life knew and kept it from her too. How would you feel if everyone you cared about was keeping a secret from you that had the power to implode your entire life? I can imagine you wouldn’t be too happy with those involved.”
“Iris, I—”
“Why didn’t you tell her, Nash? This is Celine we’re talking about. My God, she was just a child when it started, and you knew and said nothing. Why?”
“Because I didn’t care. I walked in on them at Paisley’s birthday party that April, but by then I was so far gone that when Felix begged me not to say anything to anyone, I agreed. Because I did not care. I didn’t care who he was fucking, let alone that it was Paisley’s little sister. All I cared about was numbing the pain I carried with me every day. That’s how bad it got, Iris. I walked in on my best friend fucking my girlfriend’s baby sister, and I. Did. Not. Care.”
“Nash...”
“I knew I was leaving anyway. It was the only way.”
“You realize that if you had told her—”
“That they wouldn’t be together.” It’s my turn to cut her off. “You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t play that shit in my head over and over again wondering how things could be different if I had just said something? I never in a million years dreamed that she would ever be interested in someone like Felix. How would I have known what would come to be in my absence?”
“That doesn’t explain why you didn’t tell her now.”
“I already told you. I didn’t want to win her by default. I wanted her to choose me because I’m the one she wants.”
“Are you hearing yourself? This is someone’s life we’re talking about, not some game. She deserved the truth, and you kept it from her.”
“I didn’t fuck Celine. Why are you coming at me like I’m the bad guy here?”
“Because you were the one person who should have protected her, and you didn’t. You should have been the first person to tell her. If not then, when you got back. Keeping something like this a secret... I didn’t think there was a world where Paisley wouldn’t forgive you. Now, I’m not so sure.”
“What are you saying?” My stomach twists uncomfortably.
“You didn’t see her, Nash. First, you leaving, now this... I’m not sure there’s any going back after this.”
“And Felix? He’s the one who can’t keep his cock in his pants, and she’ll forgive him?”
“She broke things off with Felix.” She shares something she should have led with. “Threw her engagement ring in his face.” She shakes her head slowly. “But the betrayal is coming at her from all sides. Felix. Her sister. You... It’s too much.”
“I can talk to her, make her understand.”
“Make her understand what exactly? That you were too consumed by winning to tell her something she should have known from the start? How will you explain this away, Nash?”
“I was trying to protect her.”
“Were you? Because from where I’m standing, you’re just as guilty as Felix. I don’t think you were trying to protect her. I think you were hanging what you knew over Felix’s head in hopes that you could come out on top.”
Her bluntness is as infuriating as it is humbling. Because deep down, maybe she’s right. Maybe my reasoning for keeping the truth from Paisley wasn’t as noble as I led myself to believe.
“What do I do, Iris? I can’t lose her.”
“I don’t think you get a say in the matter.”
“If there’s no hope, then why are you here?”
“Because you’re my friend, and as my friend, I needed you to know that she’s leaving.”
“What?” I feel like the ground beneath my feet starts to give way.
“She’s been staying at my house the last couple of days, trying to avoid everyone. Last night, she said she knew what she had to do. That she can’t be here anymore. That she can’t face Felix or Celine or even her parents for that matter.”
“Or me,” I add.
“Especially you,” she says apologetically. “She’s there now, at her parents’ house, packing her things while everyone is at work.”
“Why are you telling me all of this?”
“I just thought maybe you’d like the chance to explain your side of things, even if your reasoning is shit. You owe her that much.”
“This is Paisley we’re talking about. There’s no way she would just leave her family, her job...”
“She left early this morning to quit her job before she went to her parents. This isn’t some empty threat. She’s leaving. And I’m worried that if you don’t go see her now, you may never get the chance to tell her how sorry you are. Trust me, you don’t want to leave things unsaid. Tomorrow is never guaranteed, and living with that kind of regret will eat at you for the rest of your life.”
“I’m not sure if you’ve noticed here, Iris, but I’m already swimming in so much regret, it’s a wonder I can still keep my head above water.”
“Let’s ensure that you still can after all of this. Because despite everything, I actually care about what happens to you. Now go see her, say your goodbyes, and if you need someone when all this is over, you know where to find me.” She reaches forward, giving my hand a squeeze before releasing it. “Go.”
“Thank you, Iris. I won’t forget this,” I tell her, taking off in a run toward the house to get my keys.
I should have known that this would blow up in my face in the end. I always pay for other people’s mistakes. My mother’s, my father’s, Felix’s, but at some point, I need to own the fact that I’m also not blameless.
The choices I’ve made are mine and mine alone and at the end of the day, whatever happens will be on me.
I just hope like hell I can fix this before it’s too late.
Because if I lose her, there may be no coming back.
Paisley is the heart inside my chest. The blood that runs through my veins. The air that moves through my lungs. She is a part of my very being. Living without her is like living without a part of myself, something I have done for far too long already.
I’ve made more mistakes than I will ever be able to atone for, but that doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of forgiveness. It’s something one of the rehab counselors used to say over and over again. I’ve held on to those words like a lifeline. Because if I’m unworthy of forgiveness, then why am I even here at all? If all I will ever be are the mistakes I’ve made, then why keep fighting?
She is my reason. The reason I got clean. The reason I’ve stayed that way. And she will continue to be the reason I get out of bed every single day until my last day.
Iris may think all hope is lost, but I won’t give up. I will fight for Paisley until my dying breath if I have to because that’s what it means to love someone with your whole self.