Fragments of You

Chapter Eighteen

Paisley

FOUR YEARS LATER

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE a mom,” I tell Iris as I stare down at her precious baby girl, sound asleep in my arms.

“I know. I can hardly believe it either.” She beams, happier than I think I’ve ever seen her.

After I left Georgia, Iris was the only person I talked to consistently for the first year, other than my parents, of course. She met Jonas shortly after I had arrived in California and things between them escalated quickly. It made me so happy to listen to her over the phone, rambling on about how in love she was. I wasn’t the least bit surprised to learn she had eloped in Hawaii exactly one year to the date that they met.

“I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to meet little Lana.”

“Don’t be. I know how busy you’ve been at the rescue and stuff. Besides, it’s not like I just live down the street from you now.”

She’s not wrong, I have been very busy at the animal rescue I work for. When I first arrived in California, I had no idea what I was going to do. But then, one evening, as I was walking home from the beach, I came across a stray lab. After taking it back to my apartment, I called around to some local shelters but couldn’t find anyone who could take the poor guy. Finally, I came across this non-profit rescue, and somehow that chance encounter with a stray dog led me to a job that quickly became my whole life. Going out on rescue missions, helping animals find their forever homes, it has brought me more joy than I ever thought possible.

“I know, but I should have made time when she was born.”

“Paisley, she’s only four months old,” she says like I need reminding of this fact. “How does it feel to be back, anyway? Have you seen—” She doesn’t get his name out before I quickly cut her off.

“No.” I shake my head, nervous butterflies flapping around wildly in my chest at the mere mention of Nash.

“I thought for sure he’d be your first stop. I mean, you guys have been writing love letters to each other for nearly three years.”

“They aren’t love letters,” I correct her.

“Sure, they aren’t. You forget you’ve read me some of them. If telling you how much he loves and misses you at the end of every letter isn’t a love letter, then I don’t know what is. And for the record, I think it’s very romantic.” She flutters her long, dark lashes at me.

Iris wasn’t nearly as surprised as I was the day I got that first letter. I had been living in California for nearly a year at that point, and while I missed home terribly, I also felt happier than I had in a very long time. For the first time ever, I was living for myself and no one else, and it was a sort of freedom I didn’t know I needed until I had it.

I remember calling her that day, in complete shock and full of emotion. I can still see the way she smiled at me over that FaceTime call, like she was proud of Nash. Apparently, he had been talking about it for a while but was hesitant because of the way we left things.

I could recite that first letter from memory, but the first part stands out to me the most.

You wrote me for two years after I left. You said it helped you mourn the loss of me. I guess this is my way of doing the same. Only I’m not mourning your leaving, so much as I’m counting down the days until your return.

I wasn’t going to write him back at first, but something came over me one night and I found myself at two in the morning, scribbling feverishly onto a piece of paper. It took me days to mail it, but I’m so glad I did. Because mailing that letter gave me Nash back. Not the man I loved but the boy who was my best friend in the entire world.

We reconnected in a way I don’t think would have been possible with other forms of communication. There’s something about a letter, where one can show their true self in its rawest form, and that’s what it’s been for us. Nash has told me everything, down to the most painful detail of his journey to sobriety. I’ve told him a lot about Felix and what led up to me falling for him. Things I could have never said to him over the phone and definitely not in person.

Felix may have betrayed me in a way that could not be forgiven, but you don’t just stop loving someone because they hurt you. If that were the case, I wouldn’t still be holding on to Nash so many years later.

I won’t deny I had a hard time after Felix, though I wasn’t just mourning the loss of him but of my sister as well. Little by little, I found my way again, though. And as much as I loved him in the moment, those feelings haven’t lingered. Not like they have with Nash. I think that’s how I really knew it wasn’t the forever kind of love.

“He doesn’t actually know I’m here yet,” I finally admit. “I made my parents swear not to tell him when I purchased a ticket for an earlier flight. I wanted some time to visit with my parents and you, and I was dying to see this little one.” I smile, looking down at what might be the most beautiful baby in existence. Then again, Iris is her mom, so of course she’s gorgeous.

“I thought you were excited to see him again.”

“I am. But I’m also really nervous.”

“I get that. It’s been a long time.”

“It really has. And so much has happened. What if I see him and I don’t feel the way I think I will?”

“This is Nash we’re talking about. You’re going to take one look at that man and melt. We both know it.”

“Even if I do, he lives in Georgia.”

“For you.”

“What?”

“He lives here for you. If you two decide you want to give things another go, do you really think he wouldn’t move to California to be with you? You forget I know this man. I don’t think there’s anywhere on this planet he wouldn’t follow you.”

“You think?” I can’t help the smile that tugs at my lips.

I know it’s crazy, but leaving was probably the best thing I could have ever done. It gave me time to heal, to let go and live for myself. If not for that, I truly don’t think there could have been a way forward for me and Nash.

Honestly, four years ago, I couldn’t see a path forward, but through time and our letters, the path might as well be a yellow brick road that you can see from freaking space, it’s so clear.

“I know.” She smiles back at me. “You two have been through more than any two people should ever have to go through, and yet you still keep finding your way back to each other. Some people would call that fate.”

“Or really bad luck,” I counter jokingly.

“When you find your soul mate, you do everything you can to hold on to them. I never understood when people said they loved someone with their entire self until I met Jonas. I finally get why you held on to Nash the way you did. Because love like the two of you share, it’s rare and beautiful and—”

“Messy,” I interject.

“Yes, messy too. But that’s how you know it’s real. Because through the ups and downs and the highs and lows, you learn what you’re willing to live with and what you refuse to live without.”

“Jonas has made you soft,” I deadpan, breaking into a laugh when she flips her middle finger in my direction.

“Maybe. Or maybe it’s just that I finally understand.”

“You’re lucky, you know, to have met Jonas when you did. Old enough to know what you want but still young enough to build your lives together. I sometimes wonder if Nash and I had met later in life, if we could have skipped over all the bad parts.”

“Perhaps, but your love is built on history. You wouldn’t be who you are today without him, and he certainly wouldn’t be the man he is without you. You’ll see what I mean when you see him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still Nash.” She chuckles. “But there’s a maturity to him now, a focus I’ve never seen in him before. Since the day you left, he’s worked toward the goal of bettering himself so that one day, he could be a man worthy of your love.”

“He never had to change a thing. I loved him just the way he was.”

“But he didn’t love himself and we both know you need that in order to fully give yourself to another person.”

She doesn’t have to say it, but I know she’s talking about my time with Felix. Even when I was lying to myself, forcing myself to believe that I was happy, I wasn’t. I was just trying to mask how much pain I was in.

I can truly say I didn’t learn how to love myself until I learned how to stand on my own two feet. It took me a long time to realize that my happiness shouldn’t hinge solely on another person. I had to find what made me happy, and I have. My life now is everything I want it to be, but I won’t deny there is a large chunk missing before I feel complete. I don’t think I have to say what that large chunk is. After all this time, I would think that would be pretty self-explanatory.

“Speaking of people who don’t know how to love or respect themselves, have you spoken to Celine since you’ve been back?”

“Not yet. She wasn’t home when I arrived. Mom said she was at her dorm packing, but really, I think that’s code for avoiding me.”

I wish I could say things have gotten better with my sister, but that would require us to have actually had a real conversation since I left, which we have not. Other than forced pleasantries when she’d enter a room while I was on FaceTime with my parents, we’ve hardly spoken. My parents have visited California twice a year every year since I moved there, and not once did my sister join them.

“It was big of you to come home for her college graduation. After the way she behaved when you found out about her and Felix... I don’t think I could have done it.”

“She’s my sister.” I shrug softly so as not to wake baby Lana.

“Yeah, your sister who screwed your fiancé for two years before you got together and then lied to you about it.”

“Celine was a victim, even if she doesn’t see it that way. The fact that she and Felix didn’t get together after I left speaks volumes about how much he actually cared about her. She was nothing more than an easy lay, just like all the others. It still makes me sick to my stomach to think about.”

“Me too,” she admits. “You know I see him around town from time to time. Always with a different girl.”

“That doesn’t surprise me in the least.”

“I really do think he loved you, though. If anyone could have gotten him to settle down, it was you.”

“I loved him, too. But some acts, no matter what the reasoning, are unforgivable. And screwing my sister is one of them.”

“Completely agree.” She holds her hands up. “I just hate that he pulled Celine into the lie.”

“Same. For years I felt like there was this divide between us that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t close. It wasn’t until I found out the truth that I understood why. And even if she hates me for the rest of her life, I will continue to show up for her because that’s what family does.”

“She doesn’t deserve you.”

“Maybe. But here I am.” I let out a humorless laugh.

“So back to Nash... What’s the first thing you’re going to do when you see him again?”

“Probably pass out.” I snort.

“Stop it.”

“I mean it, Iris. I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous to see someone in my life.”

“You say that now, but when you see him, all that will change. I’m gonna place a bet now and say that the first thing you do is grab that handsome face of his and kiss him good and proper.”

I laugh at her antics as she acts out the scene with an invisible partner.

“You’re ridiculous, you know that.”

“You say that now, but just you wait.”

“I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

“I guess we will.” She gives me a knowing smile.

I’ve always envied Iris’s positivity and how fiercely she believes in things. I wish I had even a fraction of her confidence. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like I’m going to vibrate out of my own skin at any moment.

“Okay, enough about Nash. Tell me more about you. What have you been up to since we last spoke?” I move to change the conversation. I’ll have plenty of time to obsess over my reunion with Nash. Right now, I want to be in this moment with my best friend.

“I see what you’re doing, you know. But, given that I only have you here for a limited time, I’ll bite.”

I let out a silent breath as Iris starts filling me in on all the woes of motherhood, starting with her sore nipples and ending with blowout diapers. She paints quite the picture. So much so, that I barely think about Nash for the remainder of my visit. Notice I said barely...

“CELINE.” I RAP MY KNUCKLES lightly on my sister’s bedroom door. “Mom said we need to leave soon,” I say, gently pushing the door open to find my sister standing in front of a floor-length mirror.

I almost lose my breath at the sight of her. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her face to face, and I have to say, the last four years have been very kind to her. Not that she wasn’t always beautiful, but that beauty has matured. She’s absolutely stunning, especially with the way her white dress accents her tanned skin and her dark hair falls over her shoulders.

I hadn’t realized until this very moment just how much I’ve missed her. I know what you’re thinking, how could you possibly miss her after the way she treated you? And you’d be right to ask that question. In truth, it’s more complicated than it may appear to some.

Celine has always hidden behind her fearless fa?ade. She makes people believe she is impenetrable, untouchable, but despite her efforts to shut me out, I’ve seen her more clearly than she probably realizes. Underneath her forced snarl and self-righteous attitude is a girl not much different than me.

I’ve spent four years waiting for this moment, but now that I stand here, I’m honestly not sure what to say.

“I didn’t know you were here.” She turns toward me, her blue eyes meeting mine.

“You were clearing out your dorm when I arrived. I must have been at Iris’s when you got home.”

“I didn’t think you’d come,” she quietly admits.

“Of course I did. You’re my sister.”

“After the way I treated you.” She shakes her head. “Paisley, I’m so sorry. I’ve wanted to say those words to you so many times over the last four years, but I was afraid you would reject my apology and so I didn’t give you one.”

“You don’t have to...”

“I know we have to leave soon, but I really need to say this.”

I nod, allowing her to continue.

“You were right, what you said about me and Felix. I was a child, and like a child is exactly how I behaved. I chose him over everything. I chose him over you, my own family. He had me so brainwashed that I was willing to stand to the side and let him marry my sister, all while keeping it a secret that we had been together. And what’s worse, if he had come to me, I would have let him have me, even knowing he was committed to you. That’s how bad it was for me.”

“He manipulated you,” I inject. “He manipulated me, too. He made me believe he had changed. That I had changed him. But I knew him. I had known him for years. I knew the kind of man he was, and yet, I let his charm and good looks blind me just the same.”

Even now, when I think back to my time with Felix, I don’t see that man. The man capable of this hurt and destruction. To me, he was always so loving. He made me feel like I was the axis his world tilted on. It took me a very long time to allow myself to admit the truth. That it had all been a lie. That I was nothing more than a prize to him. A trophy he could put up on the mantel to show off to everyone.

I can see our life so clearly now, how it would have been. It was only a matter of time before the challenge had worn off. Once he had me, he wouldn’t have wanted me anymore. Not really. Knowing what I know now, I would’ve given it two years before the affairs began. By year five, I would have been aware of them. And by year ten, I would eventually divorce him, but by then I would have wasted some of the best years of my life.

So in a way, I guess I’m lucky that I got out when I did. Saved me a lot of years of misery and pain. Years I’ve now been able to dedicate to getting to know myself and what I truly want out of this life.

“I went to see him the day you left,” she hesitantly admits. “We slept together. And do you know what he said to me afterward? That my sister was better.”

My jaw goes slack at her words. How could he... How could anyone say that to another person?

“He was purposely trying to hurt you.”

“He was. And he succeeded. I spent the better part of freshman year convinced I would never be good enough for anyone. That I would never measure up to you. I would never be as pretty as you, or as smart as you, or as good of a daughter as you. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me growing up in your shadow? And then, for the one person I had been basically obsessed with for the better part of my life to tell me I wasn’t as good as you, it broke me.”

“Celine...”

“It’s not your fault.” She doesn’t let me finish my thought. “I know that now. But back then, all I saw was perfect Paisley , someone I would never measure up to, and I resented you for it.”

“I am not perfect. Far from it.”

“But in my eyes, you always were. Hell, you still are. Because I treated you awfully, and here you stand, looking at me like I didn’t spend years rubbing dog shit in your face.”

My nose crinkles at her choice of words.

“Gross.” The side of my mouth hitches in the semblance of a smile.

“Shut up.” She grins back at me. “You know what I mean.”

“I won’t deny that what you said to me the day I left hurt and the fact that you lied to me for so long. But I meant what I said that day. You were a victim, even more so than I was.”

“I can see that now. It took me a long time, but I’ve spent the last four years taking a really long, hard look at myself, and I can tell you that I didn’t like the person staring back at me in the mirror.”

“And now?”

“Now.” She turns back toward the mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. “I see a girl with an incredible family, amazing friends, and a boyfriend who makes me feel like the most special person in the world. I’m not perfect, I won’t ever claim to be, but when I look at this person”—she gestures to her reflection—“I see someone worth fighting for. A work in progress, to be sure, but worthy just the same.”

“You’ve always been worthy, Celine. You just needed to allow yourself to see that.” I take a hesitant step forward. “So tell me about this guy.” I meet her gaze in the mirror.

“Tyler.” She spins back around toward me. “You’ll get to meet him today at graduation. He is wonderful. So kind and caring, and he’s not too bad on the eyes either.” She raises her eyebrows up and down.

“He sounds like a great guy.”

“He really is.”

“I’m glad you found someone who shows you how amazing you are instead of someone who tears you down. You deserve that, Sister. You deserve a life surrounded by love and people who will tell you how special you are every single day.”

“Does that mean you forgive my atrocious behavior?”

“I forgave you a long time ago, Celine. You are my sister. Even when you rub dog shit in my face.” I let out a small chuckle. “I will always be here for you.”

I’m not prepared for the moment Celine’s arms close around me. She moves so quickly, one moment she’s across the room, the next she’s hugging me so tightly, I can barely pull in a real breath.

“Thank you, Paisley.” She speaks directly into my ear.

“What are you girls—” My mom stops mid-sentence, and I watch in the reflection of the mirror as her jaw goes slack. It strikes me that this is likely the first time she’s seen her daughters hug since they were little kids.

“Sorry, Mom.” Celine releases me, turning to grab her cap and gown from where it’s laid out across her bed. “We’re ready.”

“Okay.” Her gaze comes to me and we share a silent exchange. She doesn’t say it, but I can see in her eyes how grateful she is to have witnessed a tender moment between us. It’s no secret that Celine and I have never been close. “Your father is in the car,” she finally says.

“Well, let’s not keep him waiting.” I look back at my sister and then at my mom, feeling more whole than I have in a very long time.

All the pain of the past, all the regret and heartache, in some weird way I feel like it needed to happen. Because it brought us here, to this moment, and for me, there’s no more looking back, only forward.