Chapter 40
Jessie
“There are sandwiches, pasta salad, and some pastries,” I hear Lainey’s voice floating from my kitchen.
I’m on the couch with Kacey next to me. Her red-rimmed eyes are slightly swollen.
Cody and Chet sit at the kitchen table, and Carson leans on the counter.
Everyone came to my house after the hospital.
Cody handled everything—Gran never told me she had asked him to be the executor of her estate, but I’m grateful for it.
There is no one else I would want to help me through this.
I start a mental list of all the things I need to do. Meet with the funeral home, order flowers, write her obituary . . .
I can’t breathe.
I force myself to take one breath, then another. I feel like I’m going to throw up. How do I do this? This isn’t fair. I should be sitting at her table, eating cookies fresh out of the oven, while she tells me the latest gossip in her bingo group. Not thinking about writing her obituary.
“Here. You should eat something.” Carson hands me a plate with half a sandwich on it.
I nod and place it on my lap.
It tastes like dirt, but I eat the sandwich. Because that’s what I’m supposed to do. I accept condolences from Chet and Lainey. Because that’s what I’m supposed to do. I nod and agree to meet Cody at the funeral home tomorrow. Because that’s what I’m supposed to do.
I don’t melt down again. I don’t lean into Kacey for comfort. I don’t even cry.
Gran is gone, and my world has stopped spinning. She was my gravity, my north star, every good thing about me came from her. Who will I be without her? How do I live a life without her?
I shut my phone off earlier, but Kacey’s vibrates. I’m sure it’s Knox. She stepped out to call him earlier. I wonder if he told Trey.
Oh no. Someone needs to tell Trey.
I can’t do it. He loved spending time with Gran, and she loved him. They were supposed to have burgers and shakes when he returned in a month. I can’t bring myself to say his name, to ask Kacey to make sure he knows. Knox will tell him; I know he will.
I wish he was here.
I wish they’d all leave.
I know it’s wrong. These people love me and want to be here for me. It’s kind. But the only two people in the world I want right now are gone, one taken from me with no warning and the other pushed away by my own fear and desire to protect him.
I’m surrounded by people I love and still I feel completely alone.
I shake my head, to physically rid myself of the thoughts. I have things I need to do, and I’d rather be numb than feel heartbreak and loneliness.
I continue with my mental list. I’ll need to check her house—they said they found her on the kitchen floor.
They told me she felt something was wrong and called 911 herself, but it was a massive heart attack.
No matter how quickly they could have gotten there, there was nothing they could do.
No doctor, no surgery could’ve saved her.
I want to water her flowers, keep her window boxes looking nice until winter.
The window boxes Trey built her. I glance at my phone.
I wonder if he’d answer my call. Probably not.
He sounded so hurt on the phone when he snapped at me to ask him myself if he’s okay.
I practically had a panic attack when that bull crushed him and then dragged him around the arena.
I shouldn’t have had Kacey call him, but I was so worried about him, I had to hear his voice, and I didn’t know whether he’d answer my call.
Chet and Lainey leave first, followed by Carson who hugs me tightly before he leaves. Poor Carson—he hates hugs, and I’m pretty sure he’s hugged me more in the last month than my entire life.
“Do you want me to stay?” Kacey asks as Cody finishes putting the leftovers in my fridge.
“No. I’m okay. Go home, get some rest.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. I’m going to shower and head to bed.” It’s not a lie. I need to scrub this day off my skin, but I doubt sleep will come anytime soon.
Kacey hugs me and heads out the door, but Cody lingers, waiting until the door closes behind her before pulling me in for a hug. His massive frame swallows mine. “She loved you. Never forget that. And we’re all here for you. Anything you need, just say the word. We love you, Jessie.”
I nod, the lump in my throat preventing me from speaking.
Knock, knock, knock.
That’s weird. No one ever knocks. All Mom and Dad’s friends come around the back.
I peek out of the kitchen; the living room is quiet.
My dad has been gone all day, and Mom is in bed.
I pull back the curtain and try to see who’s here.
Dad always told me not to answer the door.
He said, “If someone wants in here, they’ll have to bring a warrant.
” I don’t know what that means, but I’ve never answered the door before.
The bubbled glass of the window blurs my view, but I can see it’s an old lady. What’s an old lady doing here?
She knocks again.
I don’t answer, only watch from my tiny corner of the window. Time passes, but she doesn’t leave. She just stands on the porch.
“I know you’re there,” she says.
I about jump out of my skin. She sounds kind, her voice is soft, and she’s wearing a pretty dress. Biting my lip, I decide to open the door. What harm can an old lady be? I crack it open enough to see out with one eye.
“Hello, Jessie. You don’t know me, but I’m your grandmother.”
Grandmother? I have a grandmother?
“Your mom is my daughter. Are your parents home?”
Mom said we don’t talk to her family. But this lady looks nice.
I open the door more. “Mom’s sleeping. Dad’s gone.”
She looks me over, head to toe.
My face grows warm with embarrassment. The kids at school make fun of me because of my clothes and hair. I don’t have clothes that fit or clean hair like they do. I try to wash it when I can, but sometimes it’s days in between washes, and I don’t even know if I’m using the right stuff.
“Would you like to come outside and talk with me a bit?”
I bite my lip again. I know I shouldn’t—Dad will get mad. But he’s not here, and I’d like to talk to her. I never have anyone to talk to but Kacey.
She takes a step back as I open the door and close it behind me. I follow her lead, sitting on the porch step.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been here to get to know you. Your mother and I . . . we don’t have much of a relationship anymore.”
“Mom doesn’t really talk much. Is that why?”
She softly smiles. “No, sweet girl. That’s not it. But that’s a story for a different day. Today I’m here to visit with you.”
“Me? Why me?”
“Because I’d love to get to know my granddaughter.”
I fidget, uncomfortable. “What do you want to know?”
“What’s your favorite subject in school?”
“Oh, that’s easy. Science. Kacey hates it, but I like it. It’s way better than dumb math.”
She chuckles. “I’m no math whiz, either. Who’s Kacey?”
“My best friend—well, only friend—Kacey Hart,” I say proudly. She might be my only friend, but she’s the best in the whole world.
“I see. What else do you enjoy?”
What does she mean? I don’t do anything but go to school and come home. “Um, I don’t really do anything else. Just school. Kacey invites me for sleepovers sometimes, but Dad won’t let me go.”
She nods and looks like she’s thinking hard. “Are you happy here? At home?”
I fidget again. I’m not supposed to—Dad hates when I fidget. The sleeve of my shirt comes up and her eyes go wide when she sees the bruise Dad left.
“Jessie, honey, what happened to your arm?”
I pull the sleeve down, unsure what to say.
“It’s okay, you can tell me. You won’t get in trouble.”
“I forgot to take out the trash. Dad got mad.” I shrug.
“Does he get mad a lot?”
“Yeah, but it’s okay, I’ve got a system.” I’m not sure why I’m telling her this. She just seems so kind, and she’s my grandmother, so it’s probably okay, right?
“What kind of system?”
“I hide outside and in the garage a lot. As long as I do my chores and stay out of the way, it’s okay.”
Oh no. She has tears in her eyes. What did I say?
“Jessie, I’m so sorry, baby. I want to help you, if you’ll let me.”
“Help how?”
“Well, I have a big ol’ empty house in town. Your grandfather passed away some time ago, and it’s very lonely. I would love it if you came and stayed with me. We can cook, plant flowers, and you can have sleepovers with Kacey.”
“But . . . what about Mom and Dad?”
“I’ll talk to them. I’m sure they won’t mind. They seem very busy, and I would love nothing more than for you to spend some time with me. You’d be safe with me.”
Safe.
I want to be safe. I’m tired of hiding from Dad and being hungry all the time. Mom never talks to me, and I want sleepovers with Kacey more than anything.
“Do you have food?”
“Yes, we can get any food you like.” She bats away a tear.
I nod. “And Dad won’t get mad?”
“You let me worry about your father.”
“Okay . . . I’ll come with you. For a little while, at least.”
I startle when she pulls me into a hug. “I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. I promise I’ll take care of you now.”
I wake from my dream of the day Gran came and got me. I don’t remember falling asleep. After I took a shower last night, I ended up in Trey’s old bed. The pillowcase smelled like him, and it made me feel less alone.
At nine years old, I didn’t know it then, but that was the day my life changed forever. I never went back. I don’t know what she said to my father, but I didn’t see him again until after I turned eighteen. I haven’t heard from my mother since.
Gran told me about their falling out when I got older.
When Mom got into drugs, Gran and Gramps tried everything to help her, but she wouldn’t take it.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.
My mom ended up pushing them further and further away until one day she stopped speaking to them altogether.
Gran still loved her, though. She told me stories about my mom growing up.
I always listened, but it was hard. My mom never visited me, never took care of me, never loved me.
After that, Gran and Gramps retired and started traveling for months at a time.
She heard I was born through the town rumor mill.
It wasn’t until I was nine and Gramps died, and she came back to Cottonwood Valley and heard about the skinny, dirty Hawkins girl that she came to get me.
She said she was in line at the grocery store and left all her groceries on the conveyor belt to come and get me as fast as she could.
She did as she promised. She took care of me. And I’ll miss her for the rest of my life.