Chapter 1 #2
His steps into my bedroom prompted me to stand. “I am not lurking around. Father was concerned because you have been acting out of sorts. He asked me to keep a close eye on you and that is what I am doing. Again, what is that in your hands?”
I was caught red handed. It made no sense to lie at this point. “This, Jacob, is a tablet. I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen one, but it’s a wonderful device that I read on.”
“Where did you get that from? You are not supposed to have that, Lovina,” he said with a stern tone. “You know better.”
When I closed my eyes for a moment, he snatched my tablet from my hand. I reached out for it. “Give that back. It doesn’t belong to you, thief.”
His eyes widened just as my father walked into the room. Great! “What is going on in here?” he asked.
My brother’s face still wore shock. I had never been this defiant, but by golly, I was thirty years old!
The odds were already against me because I wasn’t wed yet.
I wouldn’t say that I didn’t want to get married, but I knew that I didn’t want to get married to anyone in this community.
They looked at me like I was less than, and I looked at them the same way.
No matter how I was treated, God instilled in me a strength in understanding who I was.
Jacob handed the tablet to my father. “When I walked in, she was on this thing. She won’t tell me where she got it from.”
My father took it, looked at it, then looked at me. His reddened face told me that he was not pleased in the least. “Lovina, what is the meaning of this? You know that things like this are forbidden.”
“Father, I know, but I can’t seem to understand why.
I have studied the word, and I don’t see why.
I’ve prayed about it, and God has not told me that it is,” I stressed.
This was completely out of my character.
The fact that I didn’t seem at all apologetic about my actions was a blasphemous thing. I knew what came next.
My father said nothing. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or disappointed. The worst part about it was that I wasn’t sure if I cared either way. I was changing as time went on. Most would say that I was evolving. In this community, it looked like I was becoming worldly.
“Lovina, we will not discuss this now. It is late and we have church in the morning. Next week, you will not work at the bakery. You will take care of the house as your mother sees fit,” he instructed.
With a final look, he walked out with my tablet in tow. My brother took another minute to gawk at me before he left my room and closed the door. I plopped down in my rocking chair. I guess I could be thankful that they didn’t find my cell phone. Tomorrow would start my shunning.
This wouldn’t be the first time that I had been shunned.
A person was shunned when they did something that was against the Ordnung.
If you repented, then you were all good, but if not, you were basically iced out until you did.
I learned that term on TikTok. Going against the Ordnung, which was like a manual on how the Amish community should live, was like going against the faith altogether.
The point of the shunning was to hopefully bring the person back to the faith and understanding of humility.
As quiet as it was kept, I didn’t mind being shunned.
It gave me peace that I didn’t have in my normal, daily life.
No one talked to me, I didn’t work, and I ate alone.
The last time I was shunned two years ago, I allowed it to last a month.
It was probably during that time that things shifted.
I had time to truly lean into my relationship with God for myself, not for what was expected of me or under the belief of others.
More than likely tomorrow, I would be called into the pastor’s office to receive a stern talking to. If I didn’t repent, that would be the official start of my shunning. There was only one thing that I really had to say about that. “Let the shunning begin.”
A Short Time Later . . .
I had the community in a disarray. It had been over a month since I had been shunned and not repented.
My days were filled with silence and sometimes peace.
Silence was a tricky thing because it could be loud at times.
It could give you peace or it could make you feel more isolated than normal.
During the days when my family was at the market, I hurriedly did all the chores my mother gave me so that I could read on my phone.
Now that I didn’t go to the market, I had to find a way to charge my phone.
My family had a workshop at the back of our land.
It ran off solar panels because of the equipment needed for the work that was done.
With that, it had outlets. As soon as my family left, I rushed out there to charge my phone for the day.
Once it was charged, I turned it off until I needed to use it.
The light from the candle flickered on my dresser.
Tonight, I kept it safe and chose to read my bible.
Between my mother, father, and brothers, they took it upon themselves to pop into my room whenever the spirit moved them to.
I had noticed a pattern to when they did it.
It was almost as if they had a schedule set.
If I was right, my mother would be popping in at any moment now.
Not even ten minutes later, there was a light knock on my door. She stuck her head in the door before she walked fully in. “Hey, Lovina, how are you?”
“I’m fine, reading my bible. How are you?” I didn’t expect this conversation to be a long one since she technically should not have been talking to me anyway.
When she closed the door behind her, then sat on my bed, I closed the bible. I guess this conversation would be longer than I anticipated.
“Lovina, you know we love you.” She didn’t continue until I gave her confirmation.
“If you know that, then why have you not repented? Do you know how not only you are perceived, but us as well? Your father and I raised you well, but the community doesn’t see it like that because of your rebellious ways. ”
Her words saddened me. “Mother, that is never my intention. I know that you all want me to repent, but it is my choice to do so. I will not repent unless God tells me that I must. He has yet to tell me that, so I will not repent.”
I thought my mother’s eyes would pop out of their sockets. My words were bold, and I knew it. My unapologetic attitude was absolute.
“Lovina, I don’t know what has gotten into you, but I think it’s time that you get it out. I often wonder why you have not found a husband yet, and I think I may have found the answer. You are such a beautiful girl, but you will never find a husband with an attitude like that,” she rebuked.
This notion that I wanted to find a husband was draining. “Mother, I am not trying to find a husband. I am content with being by myself. There is no one in this community that I would want to call my husband.”
Oh, that got her riled up. She stood from my bed.
“Well, where exactly do you plan to meet a husband?” She pointed her finger toward the window.
“With an outsider at the market? You don’t think I know that you have a little following of men that lust over the pretty, black girl? I see how they look at you.”
This was the first time I believed that I had ever heard my mother reference my race.
It was a bit off putting, but I couldn’t say that I was completely shocked.
There was no such thing as not seeing color, no matter how much people lied to themselves.
“I’m not sure how or when God will send my husband, Mother.
What I do know is that he will not be a part of this community.
He may be from another community in another town. ”
She just stared at me with tight eyes. I knew that she knew I was just talking at this point.
One thing that I appreciated about my parents was that they were not very argumentative.
They were the we’ll pray before we argue kinds of people.
“Lovina, your father and I want you to get ahold of yourself. God is not pleased.”
Those were her final words before she left my room. Her words tore through me. God is not pleased. This was not the first time that was said to me, but this time it felt different. Before I would recoil at the mere thought, but not tonight. How did she know that God wasn’t pleased?
All my life, I’ve followed His command and our Ordnung. No matter how connected I stayed to a community that often treated me like I was invisible, I still wanted more. Why would God let the desire for me to want more to remain in my heart if that was not what he wanted for me as well?
For the past couple of weeks, the thought of leaving had weighed heavily in my heart.
It was a feeling that I tried to shake because in my mind it didn’t make sense.
I wouldn’t know what to do outside in the real world.
I mean, my world was real to me, but I knew there was a bigger world outside of my own.
The fact remained that I would be like a lost fish in a new, larger than life fish tank.
What would my family think if I just left the community?
This kind of decision wasn’t one that you ran by them for opinions.
There would be one opinion and that would be that I was falling to the will of the world.
That I would be turning my back on my faith and everything that it stood for to be a Christian.
The problem was that I didn’t see it that way.
I truly felt like I was meant for more, but how would I get more if I was caged in this place?
Fear overtook me as I muddled in my mind over what life would be like out there. I barely know how to use a cell phone. When I wanted to learn something, I would take the phone to work and conveniently take a bathroom break when I saw Beyuna. She would teach me.
I hadn’t seen her since I had been shunned, but we texted at least once a day.
I tried to explain the shunning to her, but it was clear that she didn’t understand.
Her main question was, “How can people that say they love you, your family, shun you for something so harmless?” She asked me once if I would ever leave.
The answer should have been an automatic no. Instead, it was an I don’t know.
I had to do what was best for me, right?
One thing that I learned when I listened to some of the churches online was that sometimes you have to step out on faith even when it didn’t make any sense.
This made no sense at all. How could it be betrayal if I felt this compelled to leave?
With all the ups and downs, I have never wanted to leave.
Lovina, what are you going to do? I knew that I would have to make a decision and stick to it. To stay or to go were the choices. Staying was the easy choice. Did I want to make the easy choice or the hard one and trust God to carry me?
My eyes roamed over to the clock. It wasn’t too late. She told me to call her at any time if I needed anything. I pulled out my cell phone and long pressed the number two. The line rang a few times before it was picked up. “Lovina? Is that you?”
“Hi, Beyuna. Yes, it’s me.” When she asked me if I was alright, I took a deep breath. “I want to leave, but I don’t know what to do.”