13
My screams shift from grief to panic. I grip my blankets to shield my body from the man’s reach. But he approaches anyway, his voice barely registerable beneath my shrieks.
No! I can’t let this repeat!
Extending my claws, I slash his outstretched arm as hard as I can.
“Fuck!” Noah backs himself up against the wall beneath my window, gripping his bleeding arm.
Guilt crushes my heart, pushing a sob from me. But as Noah stops the blood with heavy licks, he”s only focused on me.
It’s just me! I”m not going to hurt you.
I scramble off the bed after him, clinging to him so hard that my fingers hurt. “I”m so sorry! I”m terrible, I—”
“Stop. Please, stop. I’m so sorry for scaring you so badly.” Noah’s voice shakes in agony, and it guts me. “I should”ve known better when you”re already feeling so—”
My breath catches when I think I hear the front door squeak. “N-no! He’s back! He’s here—”
Noah releases a heavy waft of his Alpha musk, and before I can register it, my neck falls slack in submission. He licks my mark, heavy and wet strokes sinking me to my knees. He drops to the carpet with me, allowing my limp body to quiver in his embrace.
Noah’s gentle voice softens even more for me. “I don’t smell anyone else here. It’s just you and me, sweet Omega.”
“N-no... Please, he’s going to—”
I wheeze as the memory pushes past Noah’s soothing effects on me, replaying like it’s happening now. I squirm away from Noah”s tongue, suddenly afraid of being touched.
He raises his empty hands. “Shit— Okay. Let”s try something else.”
The panic is still so strong that I jerk back, attempting to sit up and away from Steven in my mind’s replay. My back hits my mattress hard, smacking the air out of me. I yelp in pain, gripping Noah’s chest.
“Oh, fuck, my poor, sweet mate.” Noah rubs my aching back, allowing me to cower back into him despite pushing him away seconds ago. As I crawl into his lap, he welcomes me with gentle, measured sweeps over my back. “What’s he going to do when he comes back in? Let it out.”
My breath sputters as I fight the memory back, trying to shove it down, down, down with angry shakes of my head.
“No, don’t do that. Don’t bottle it up. It’s literally killing your heart to keep it inside; I can feel it.” Noah hugs my head against his chest, grounding me. “Talk me through it. Tell me what you see happening.”
I grip Noah’s shirt until the seams crackle. My entire body shakes in his arms. “H-he’s... He’ll...”
“Good job. Keep going.” Noah says.
“He’ll... O-open the front door. I forgot to lock it.” I swallow hard, making pathetic, weird cries between breaths. “But he has a key anyway. From when we dated.”
Noah’s heart sinks with mine, pounding harder against my ear.
“I should”ve made him give it back. I should”ve changed the lock, I should”ve made sure I locked it, I should”ve—”
“No, you didn”t know he”d do this. That was his decision alone.”
“Y-yeah...” My voice comes out small and fragile, almost childlike. It”s unfamiliar to me, but it”s also completely me.
“Then what?” Noah asks.
“Then he’ll storm in here, and—” I shake my head, whimpering at the clearest portion of my memory. “I”m scared of him, Noah. He”s so scary, standing over me.”
“I’ve got you, Omega. I”m right here with you, and he can”t hurt you this time.”
I nod, glancing over to the bed. “He”s going to climb up onto my bed... From the left side...”
Anger blazes through Noah—just as strong as the rage that broke Mom’s candle tonight.
“Fuck,” he hisses. “No... This same bed?”
I whimper, resorting to frantic nodding; I can’t manage to speak another word.
Noah whines, rocking me. “Don’t you think of it every night, laying in this bed? Did you even move the bed? Get a new mattress?”
“No, because initially... It was my fault. I made him mad.”
“Oh, sweet— Fuck, Goddess, no— That”s nowhere near true!”
“I know. I know the truth now.” I catch my breath, my panic resorting to weeping. “It wasn’t my fault. He just told me it was, and I wanted to believe him instead of facing the truth. Because I don’t know why someone would hurt me like that, Noah. I didn’t even want to hurt him back to stop him. I couldn’t.”
Noah scoops me from his lap, hunching over me like he’s protecting me from the world.
“Tomorrow, we’re doing something about that bed. You don”t need to be tortured like this.” His voice is quiet. Shattered. The gravity of his grief makes my pain feel even more real. “But tonight, we’re leaving.”
I release a slow exhale, my shaking limbs loosening in Noah’s arms. “Please. Get me out of here.”
“Can I carry you? Or will that make it worse?”
“No, please, hold me. I want to feel you against me.”
Noah hoists me into his care, whisking me from my room. My room’s details are swallowed by the dark hall, the childhood my parents gave me nowhere to be seen. Noah is right. All I see is that mattress.
“I’m here,” Noah says. “We”re going far away from here, okay?”
Noah carries my body through the woods, his emotions dipping and aching with mine.
I feel so shattered inside that I can’t speak. I”ve fallen numb.
I close my eyes, listening to Noah’s strained breath. Feeling his hot chest against my cheek. It steels me in reality, allowing me to take one breath after another. Surviving minute to minute.
Until the adrenaline wears off in the thick of the woods, and I feel horrendously sick.
Noah rushes to hold my hair back as I jump out of his arms, seconds before I empty my stomach into the leaves. I cling to Noah’s quiet reassurances with every heave of my stomach, hating how weak I feel. But Noah”s emotions aren’t disgusted, angry, and hot like mine are; he”s mourning for me.
When I’m done, I can’t even cry. I reach for Noah, and he gingerly lifts me back into his arms.
By the time we reach his den, I’m half asleep and hollow.
Noah sets me down just long enough to shift into his wolf form, his wet nose nudging me into his side. It’s easy to curl up into our usual spot together, hiding in his black fur.
The next morning, my heart breaks when I see the wound I gave Noah”s arm. He jolts awake as I frantically lick the hot red gash, desperate to heal him and undo what I’ve done.
But Noah doesn’t say a word, stroking my hair. When I realize he’s not wincing at all, instead gazing down with worry, I pause to stare back through rush after rush of guilt.
“Sweet Omega, I need to tell you something, okay?” Noah swallows hard.
I grip his hand, giving his arm another soft lick. Okay.
“My mom’s facial scar wasn’t from another wolf. It was from me,” Noah says.
My heart skips, tightening my throat. “What do you mean?”
“I didn’t realize she was coming to rescue me from the past. And last night, you didn”t realize I was coming to rescue you either. It”s okay. Really, it is.”
It seems like a challenge for Noah to hold eye contact with me, but I’m having the exact opposite reaction.
With how closed off Steven made me, I’m shocked to feel more open than ever after reliving his damage. Gazing deep into Noah”s vulnerable stare, my mate makes me feel raw, gaping, and exposed.
But not afraid.
I stroke Noah’s cheek. When he kisses my palm, fluttering my heart, I can”t resist climbing into his lap.
“When I”m with you, I feel understood,” I whisper.
Noah burrows his nose into my neck, his emotions spiking with elation in our bond. As we hold each other, our bond welds tighter than ever.
After the summer sun has risen high enough to heat our den, Noah takes me back to my parents’ cabin.
But he stops me on the front porch. “Don’t force yourself to come in. I only brought you home to grab your clothes so you can stay with me for a while. And, if you want—” He takes a deep breath. “I can get rid of your mattress.”
My heart flips.
He’s taking what happened to me so seriously. I never even told him how much that mattress bothered me. He really does understand.
I lace my fingers into his, stroking his big hand with my thumb. “I’d like that, but mattresses are so expensive. That’s the other reason why I never changed it.”
Noah glances at my cabin, his emotions dampening.
I step closer. “What are you thinking? Tell me honestly.”
“I—” He winces, struggling to meet my eyes. “I don’t think it’s healthy for you to live here. Mattress or no mattress.”
My heart sinks, knowing he’s right.
“I-I know it”s your parents” place, so that”s not for me to decide, but—”
“No, that”s exactly it,” I mutter. “It”s my parents” place, not mine. And after what he did, it never fully felt like home again. I didn’t even bother changing anything.”
As I bite my lip, Noah strokes my shoulders, peeking into my eyes. “D-do you... Want to move somewhere else?”
“Um... I wasn”t planning on—”
“Ugh, no. Sorry. That”s not what I want to ask.” Noah’s feet shuffle as he drops his head, suddenly shy again. “Do you want to move in— W-with me?”
Despite everything that’s happened, I break into a beaming smile. The bright laugh that spills from me surprises us both.
“I’d love to, my shy Alpha.”
Noah releases a heavy sigh, his nose brushing mine as we embrace. “Ugh, you’re so cute. Don”t feel pressured by me, okay? I just thought it would be a good time to ask, since—”
I laugh, squeezing him closer. “Noah, we”re hoping to have a baby! Of course I want to move in with you!”
His bright laughter spurs more giggles from me. Noah kisses my forehead, softening his voice. “I guess we did do this a bit out of order. I just didn’t want to pressure you to let go of your childhood home, and I knew we’d figure out our living situation when the time came.”
I sigh through a laugh. “Me too; it didn’t even cross my mind. I guess I just trust us to make anything work.”
Our smiles widen by the second.
Noah draws me closer. “But y-you really want to move into my place, for now? You’re ready to?”
“God, yes. Please. I want to wake up beside you every day, and hold you every night.”
Noah chuckles, kissing my forehead. On the inside, his wolf bounds around mine, making me giggle. “We already do that, my sweet Omega. I can”t last a night without you.”
“I know, but—” I drag my nose down the side of his, shyness swallowing the strength in my voice. “I also get why it felt like a big step for you to ask. We don”t stay in one place we call ‘home’ together.”
Noah’s eyes soften as he gazes deep into my stare. “You’re right, we don’t. I love the sound of that.”
“I love it too,” I whisper.
As we break into soft smiles for each other, Noah kisses me as gently as he can, leaving my heart aching.
But it”s already aching anyway. My trauma still sits beneath the surface, torn back open and bleeding.
I chew on the inside of my cheek. “Before I go back in to pack a few things, are you still okay with helping me do something about that mattress?”
Noah’s face dissolves into its stoic default. “Absolutely. Stay here.”
I’m shocked at how resolute he sounds, disappearing into my parents’ cottage. Seconds later, he’s dragging my mattress out the front door—well, more like chucking it off the front porch.
I jump back, gripping my chest. I hadn’t realized how much Noah had been boiling beneath the surface until he hops over my porch railing, claws extended. Noah tugs the mattress through the dirt with one hand, veins rippling down his arms. He looks like he’s dragging my ex into the forest by the hair.
As I rush to catch up with him, Noah tosses his clothes off in a sudden frenzy, shifting into his wolf. The sight of him so upset floods me with more emotions than I can process until I can’t feel at all, minus the wild, painful pounding of my heart.
After gathering my wits, I help Noah’s furious wolf yank the mattress, spraying dry leaves around us as its corner drags through the earth. Triumphing over all other emotions, anger rises in my chest, making it hard to take steady breaths. Noah’s thrashing paws charge me, mixed fury and pain zapping through our bond. Noah drops the mattress and meets my eyes.
With the mattress tossed in the small clearing behind my parents’ cottage, Noah shifts back to his human form and slips back into boxers. But my heart aches just looking at the mattress.
Noah links his arms around my waist before tucking my head beneath his chin. “I love you.”
I grip his bare back, my jaw tense. “I love you too, Noah.”
He lowers his head to meet my eyes. One glance at the exhausted bags under his eyes ignites a fire in my heart that I didn’t know I was stoking.
I back up from Noah, shaking out my hands.
Worry creases his eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“What do you mean? Why would you hurt me?”
“I’m—” My throat tenses around my swallow, clenching harder than my teeth.
“Angry?”
He’s right, but I shake my head through threatened tears, not wanting to feel it. Noah misunderstands this as dismissing his guess.
“Then, what? Hurt?”
I seethe, my gaze landing back on that mattress. “No, you were right. I’m so angry that I’m scared. Which makes me even angrier. I”m sick of being scared.”
He closes the gap between us, gathering my head in his palms. “Then be fucking angry. This situation is infuriating. He never should have done this to you.”
The vivid anger in Noah’s voice amplifies both my rage and my fear, my breathing rate rapidly rising.
“I-I don’t like seeming angry.”
“Why? You’re too emotional? Too wild?”
“Y-yes.”
“Who told you that?”
My cheeks flush, tears pricking my eyes. “He did.”
“Well, he’s fucking wrong.” Noah’s words vibrate through me, making my teeth chatter. “You’re a wolf. Get angry. Lose your shit. No one has to know but us.”
Just as I’m about to, Noah’s emotions dip. His warped expression guts me, pushing fresh tears down my cheeks.
“But please, Aliya, if nothing else, don’t hold this in anymore. Don’t force yourself to sleep with this nightmare every night, carrying it all alone.”
Following Noah’s point back to the mattress, it’s never been clearer what it represents to me. He’s spot on, and that enrages me. My hands ball into fists, my lungs shaking with every exhale.
Noah drops his forehead against mine, his hot breath beating against my lips. “Good. Let it out.”
My vision’s color warps, my wolf on the verge of showing herself. I growl, gripping Noah’s hands still on my cheeks.
“Destroy it. Tear that mattress to fucking shreds.” Noah’s voice is dark and commanding, rippling bristles through my wolf’s fur.
But my heart wavers. My wolf takes a step back with my doubt, the poor girl slumping to the ground in our bond.
“B-but... What if I do something I can’t take back?” My voice comes out dry and small.
“Like what?”
“Like... Getting too angry.”
“I don’t understand. Who would you be hurting by being angry over this?”
I swallow over and over, unable to choke out the words as hot tears sting my eyes. “Him.”
“He hurt you, Omega. Fuck him!”
“I know it”s ridiculous, but I still don”t want to hurt him back.” I blubber through fresh, shuddering tears.
“Oh, my sweet, sweet...” Noah’s shaking touch skates down the back of my head, smoothing my messy hair before he cups my cheeks. “He’s not here to get hurt. And even if he was, you have a right to be furious, regardless of how he feels about it. He hurt you, and it”s okay for him to face the consequences. To take responsibility for the very real damage he caused.”
I suck back snot. “T-then... What if I scare you from what I say? Or traumatize you? What if I let my anger get too out-of-control?”
“Go ahead. I dare you.” Noah’s growling anger isn’t directed towards me; it’s in honor of me.
If this was a few months ago, I’d be amazed that a man”s obvious anger doesn’t scare me. But I know why it doesn”t.
“I trust you, Noah.”
“I trust you too. And I trust your anger. It’s there for a reason, and I want to see it.”
“I-it’s ugly.”
“I disagree. It protected the love of my life when no one else was willing to.”
In a confusing mix of love and rage, my heart boils over.
But as I approach the mattress, it looks larger than ever. I try to imagine punching, kicking, or folding it, but its plushy flexibility has never seemed more indestructible.
“What do I even do with it? Should I shift? My wolf could destroy it in ten seconds.” I gaze back at Noah for an answer, but his rigid stare at the mattress tells me what I need to know. “No, you’re right. I need to destroy this in the same, human form that he destroyed me in.”
But it’s not only me Steven destroyed. I watch my words stab my mate, his eyebrows warping and lips reddening before he lets out a desperate gasp. As tears roll down his cheeks, Noah’s heavy, insurmountable pain in our bond sparks the fire in me into a roaring beast, exploding in my chest.
Gripping the mattress in both hands, I use my entire weight’s momentum to thrust it across the forest floor. Pouncing on it, I dig my claws in, letting out a growl as I rip it open.
The angry yell that escapes me shocks me just as much as the damage I’ve already done. I freeze, panting through my fears of causing harm. I feel trapped.
But Noah gasps through his crackling voice behind me. “Fuck, yes! Keep going! Don”t stop!”
I listen to my Alpha, but I don’t need much convincing.
Digging my heels into the dirt, I ram the edge of the mattress with my shoulder. Not just shoving it to coat it in mud—pushing it away from me.
But nothing feels far enough away. I scream, kicking the mattress in frustration. It hardly even budges, and I deflate. “Fuck!”
Noah rushes to my side. “Tell me why you’re angry. Let your thoughts out.”
My voice gets caught in my chest, my cheeks on fire. All I can do is shake my head; a heavy weight in my ribcage pins my shins to the ground, hardly allowing me to breathe.
Noah hoists the mattress upright, standing it below his chin.
“Fuck it up, Omega. Rip it to shreds.”
Using every last ounce of my strength, I pull myself back up on staggering legs. I lunge at the mattress, my growl shifting into a scream.
“I fucking hate him!”
Noah has to brace the mattress in the center as I claw through, foam flying as I grasp massive chunks.
“Why?” He asks.
“Because—”
I choke back tears as I grasp one of the largest shreds of fabric at the top, yanking on it.
“Because he made me so afraid! I”m going to have to live in fear, forever, and it”s all his fault!”
Noah has to cling to the mattress with a firmer hold, my fury nearly tearing it from his grasp.
“He ruined sex for me, making it impossible to feel good! He made me think I deserved it!”
I rip into the largest remaining chunk of foam with my teeth, muffling my tears with it. As I spit it out, I grab the mattress for myself, and Noah gladly allows me.
When I see his chest heaving through heavy, face-contorting tears, I only cry harder.
“I hate how he made you have to do this with me!” I throw the mattress down, stomping it into the dirt.
When my foot snags on the rip, Noah is there to catch me before I fall, wrapping his arms around my waist. He sobs into my shoulder harder than I’ve ever heard him cry, tearing my heart in half. I drop to the mattress on my knees with him, hugging his arms around my waist as he curls over me.
“I wish I was there,” he says. “I wanted to be there. I wanted to meet you so badly. I just didn”t know who you were. I wish I knew.”
No matter how desperate he is to hide his face, I force my body to turn until he allows me to dive for his chest.
Hugging his head to my pounding heart, I take a deep breath. To my surprise, I finally feel like I can breathe.
Dropping my head to the sky, I let out the heaviest exhale I have in years.
Noah rubs my whole back, kissing my collarbone. “You did so well. Thank you.”
I don’t understand exactly why he’s thanking me, but for whatever reason it makes me smile.
Then I laugh, relief flooding my system.
Noah pops up, startled.
“I’m not there anymore, Noah. I made it out.” I laugh again, hugging his head. “And now I’m sitting in the middle of the forest. With my mate, who I love to have sex with. Who I feel good with... Surrounded by tiny little pieces of a mattress that we’re going to have to clean up.”
Noah shakes his head, breaking into a soft chuckle. “I fucking love you—”
Smashing my lips against Noah’s, I hum into his mouth as his arms squeeze my entire torso from head to hips. His cold, wet cheeks slip against mine, his body flush to mine as I work his tongue.
But as I break away to catch my breath, exhausted doesn’t begin to describe me.
“Noah, thank you.” My voice comes out hoarse and weak.
“You did so well, beautiful.” Noah whimpers over me, kissing my cheeks all over.
I’m too tired to keep crying, closing my eyes as I soak in every kiss.
“Good job. Rest now,” he mutters against my lips.
After cuddling for a while, Noah helps me mindlessly collect each shred of the mattress, storing it in trash bags. We leave the barren mattress frame to slump against my parents’ cottage like a dying flower.