Chapter 27 – Grace
Isaac and Carmen picked us up in their Ford crew cab. I put Piper’s booster seat in the backseat next to me and her overnight bag at her feet, and buckled her in. Tomorrow was a teacher in-service day, and Isaac and Carmen had offered to keep Piper for a sleepover and drop her to me at Beautiful Blooms in the morning. It would be a good opportunity for me to catch up on laundry and watch an overly gooey Lifetime Christmas movie while I matched socks. I’d need that after meeting up with Rob.
Normally, the four of us were a loud bunch, but I was always subdued on the nights we met up with Rob at Chili’s, and Isaac and Carmen matched my mood, focusing their attention on my daughter and giving me a moment to just stare out the window while we drove.
Piper showed them her new sandals, which happened to match the color of Carmen’s canvas sneakers. They were both a coral red.
“We got them at Target,” Piper said, every bit as smug as Blaire had been about the designer of her gown. I smiled at the thought .
“I ordered these online at a store called Zappos,” Carmen explained to her.
“Zappos? Is that where they make light up shoes? Zzzapo.” She snapped an imaginary whip, which in her mind, was how light-up shoes came into the world.
Carmen laughed. “Maybe. Mine don’t light up, though.”
“Are you sure? You kinda need to stomp when you walk in them.”
“Pretty sure,” Carmen said. “I really like to stomp. But maybe we’ll check one more time when we get to Chili’s.”
“Are you hungry?” Isaac asked Piper, glancing back at her.
“Yes. I skipped my snack. Can we get chips and sauce?”
“Sure can.” Isaac glanced at me. “How are you?”
I shrugged. “Just fine.”
“Mom draws books,” Piper reached out and patted my arm. She was so proud of me, which was so, so sweet, but at this rate, I’d be better known by my pen name than my real name by the end of the month. Just as I’d suspected she would, Piper had already told her entire school class and the checkout lady at the grocery store. Her teacher called and wanted me to come in and do a presentation. So, that was happening. Dean would be thrilled when I told him. A pang went through me at the thought of him. Not right now, heart.
I’d been meaning to tell Carmen and Isaac on my own, but they were finding out now. From my daughter.
“She drew all the pictures in the Cookie Crimes books, and Donut Disasters, and éclair Emergencies. And I got to see the pictures for Fudgy Fiascos. That one’s not out yet.”
“For real?” Isaac asked. “Jessica’s books?”
I nodded. “I’m her illustrator.”
“And that’s why you’re selling the business. I am so, so happy for you.” He reached out and took Carmen’s hand, like his happiness couldn’t be contained just within him. It was adorable that Carmen was the natural extension of it.
“Well, not just for that reason. But yes, the illustration thing is a part of it. ”
Carmen got out her phone and looked them up. “That is so cool, Grace. I haven’t read these but I’m ordering them right now.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Too late. They’re arriving tomorrow. I love Amazon.”
It was nice to feel so supported, and I hated that I’d fought against letting Isaac and Carmen in on it for so long. Was I that self-conscious? I didn’t want to answer that. Of course I was.
I reached out and brushed back Piper’s hair while she talked about all her favorite parts. And she had a lot. Carmen wouldn’t even need to read the books. She got the entire play-by-play by the time we pulled into the Chili’s parking lot.
“Piper, can you not say anything to Dad about my drawing stuff? It’s still kind of new.”
“Okay.” She unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned into the front seat between Isaac and Carmen to look out the windshield, probably searching for Rob’s car. I’d told her many, many times to wait until we were parked to get up, but she rarely remembered. She was a girl on the move. I loved that about her.
Chances were good, just like the seat thing, she’d forget and tell Rob about the books. It would be fine. He’d find a way to turn it into a joke, but as long as his little digs went over Piper’s head, it didn’t matter.
We walked in and put our names down for a table. Rob texted and said he was running late. I gave him a thumbs up, my go-to response. And now I was thinking about Dean again. What must he think of my lame thumbs up in response to his invitation? It wasn’t even that I planned to say no. I just didn’t want to think about plans until Rob left. If Rob wanted to meet up tomorrow before heading to California, I’d need to keep my schedule flexible so Piper could see him again. Every once in a blue moon, he’d take Piper out to lunch or to a play place, but that was usually with his mom, and she worked nights now and needed to sleep during the day .
An older couple came in, and we stood so they could have the bench seat in the waiting area. Piper danced around me with a loose hold on my hand. As long as she didn’t run into people, I didn’t mind.
Two hands came down on my shoulders from behind, startling me, which made Rob laugh out loud. “How are my two favorite ladies?” he asked.
“Dad!” Piper reached up for him and he pulled her up into a hug. He was wearing a loud-print Hawaiian button-down and cargo shorts. It had become his thing onstage a few years back, and he probably didn’t have anything else in his wardrobe now. Bad clothes aside, he was still just as handsome as the day I met him, although he was starting to get a bit of dad-bod from the constant fast-food he ate on the run. Piper had inherited his big brown eyes, though their shape was all mine. And she got my dark hair and olive skin tone instead of his sandy hair and lightly freckled skin.
“How’s my girl?” he asked.
“Good. Mom’s gonna sell her business to a flower company.”
Well, that was out there. Piper listened way too closely to our conversations. In her defense, I hadn’t told her not to share that part.
Rob looked at me, his eyes widening. “You’re selling Beautiful Blooms? That’s been your thing for so long. It’s what you replaced me with.”
That wasn’t even a little bit true, but whatever. “A good offer came along.”
“What are you going to do instead?” he asked.
Piper’s lips tightened, and she glanced at me nervously. Isaac and Carmen exchanged looks.
Rob’s gaze moved from face to face. “What? Am I getting competition? You’re going into stand-up or something?” He put his hand on his hip and tilted his head. “My ex-husband lets his dog sleep in his bed and drink out of the toilet.” His imitation of my voice made me sound like a high-pitched southern belle. “ How do I know that?” He clutched his chest, visibly upset with his invisible audience. “No, I do not have webcams set up at his house. I am a lady.”
Piper began to giggle, and we joined in. Honestly, it was one of Rob’s better jokes.
“Do you have a dog, Dad?” Piper asked.
“No. I don’t even have a fish. Too much work.”
“You won’t find me on the stand-up circuit,” I assured him. “I’m taking some time to reflect.”
“Ah, taking some time to reflect. I should tell my unemployed friends to use that line. I’m not even joking. That’s gold.” He pulled out his phone and wrote it down.
The buzzer in Carmen’s hand lit up. Thank goodness, they were ready for us.
We followed the hostess to our table. Rob sat next to me, resting his arm around the back of my chair. Piper was on his other side, with Isaac and Carmen across from us. One of these times I’d find a way to put Piper between us, but it was a minor irritation, something that was all about me, and not about Piper, which meant I had to let it go, no matter how much it bothered me to have his hand linger on my shoulder.
Rob kept his head tilted towards Piper, listening to every thought that came into her head. She kept him busy just about every second that wasn’t taken up with ordering drinks and food. I snapped a few pictures and nibbled on chips.
Isaac always watched me carefully on nights like this. I knew he had opinions, especially about Rob and the cavalier way he showed up just to leave again. And yet the only passive-aggressive thing Isaac ever did was steal fries from Rob’s plate like a professional pickpocket.
I had sort of zoned out, reading the captions for the sports highlights when I heard Piper say Dean’s name.
“Who is this?” Rob asked her. “Are you talking about Uncle Isaac’s best friend? ”
I exchanged looks with Isaac just as Piper said. “He’s my friend and Mom’s friend, too. He came over, and we had a pajama party and played Chutes and Ladders. I won.”
“A pajama party with Dean Kinney?” Rob’s head swiveled around to me with a look full of insinuation. “Well, that’s interesting.”
Isaac and Carmen both started to speak in my defense at the same time, and something inside me sort of snapped.
I pushed my chair back, letting it scrape across the floor. “Rob, let’s go talk outside.”
He started to protest, but I cut him off. “We’ll be right back. Let’s go. Right now.” I put on what I hoped was a casual expression for the other three. “Why don’t you guys order dessert?”
Carmen grabbed the dessert menu from the end of the table. “We sure will. What do you think, Pipes? I’m feeling like chocolate.”
Piper looked up at me with uncertainty, and I smiled at her, trying to convey that she hadn’t done anything wrong, and I was okay. When Carmen reached out and took her hand, she finally turned and looked at the dessert menu with her.
Rob followed me out, saying nothing except for a disappointed huff that took me back to old times. Usually, the outside bench was occupied with people waiting for a table, but on a Thursday night it was free. I sat down and waited for him to do the same.
I rubbed my hands together, trying to channel all my jumbled feelings into exactly what I needed to say. I never called Rob out anymore. On anything. These nights out to dinner felt like a time warp. No, more like time-lapse photography. The only thing changing was Piper getting older and adding Carmen after she started dating Isaac.
Rob sighed. “Okay, tell me about what’s going on with you and Dean.”
No, that was not how this was going to go. I stared at him until he dropped his gaze. “Piper doesn’t speak innuendo, Rob. Not that you’d know our routine, but she and I are pretty much always in our pajamas after about seven-thirty at night. In her mind, a pajama party is just people in their pajamas having fun. Dean has never slept over, not that it’s any of your business. And even if he did, it would still be none of your business. But he won’t be sleeping over. Ever. But even if he was—”
“It would still be none of my business?” Rob supplied sarcastically.
“I’m sorry I started talking in circles.” I rubbed my forehead.
Rob took in a deep breath. “You used to do that when you’d get upset. I’d forgotten. I haven’t seen you upset in a long time. Now, you’re more like…”
“A robot?”
We both laughed, breaking the tension.
“I would never have a man over like that with Piper in the house. I made you wait until our wedding night; you don’t think I’d do that again? I guess I’m mad, because if that was going on, it is your business as her dad to know about it, but you’re never around. And when you are, you’re hoping to be that guy sleeping over. I’m so mad at you right now.” My emotions were bouncing all over the place. By giving them voice, I’d given them power. I could feel tears coming, and that made me madder than ever.
“Do you want a hug?” Rob asked.
“No, I don’t want a hug.” I ran my hands through my hair. “Do you have any idea what I want, Rob?”
“Obviously not.”
His calmness was so maddening.
“I want you to step up and be in Piper’s life in more meaningful ways. I’ve been in the way of that because I have all these boundaries when it comes to you. I hoped at some point you’d catch on and figure this out. We are never going to be a thing, ever again. Not temporarily, not a one-time thing. Not a just-when-you’re-in-town thing. I don’t want a comforting hug from you. I don’t want your arm around me at dinner. The truth is, I haven’t felt safe to be myself around you in a long time. And then I take it out on other people.” Holy crap, that was true. All my bottled-up fear, anger, and stress came out on the people who could take it. People like my brother. People like Dean. I’d punished him for liking me more than an allowable amount. I’d punished him for daring to wish for things I wasn’t ready for.
Rob didn’t say anything. His head was bowed.
“When I see you, I see someone who let me down, but that’s not who Piper sees. She loves you unconditionally. You won’t get that for too much longer. Don’t miss this.”
“I’m kind of afraid of that, you know? She thinks I’m so great. I’m not great. You could write essays about how not great I am.” He shook his head.
“I’ll help you.” I thought about all the ways Dean had built my confidence in the moment I needed it. “You’re not all bad, Rob. You always show up when you say you will. You call to let me know if you’re running late. You make her laugh, and you’re good at listening to her. Maybe better at it than me.”
He scuffed his shoe. “So, like what? What meaningful ways?”
“Come to her events. Soccer season is over, but she’ll be playing basketball soon. You could come to a game when you’re in town. They’re on Saturday mornings.”
“They have seven-year-olds playing in basketball games? How low is the hoop?”
“It’s pretty ridiculous. You’d get tons of material for your stand-up. But speaking of…”
Rob held his hand up. “I know. I need to stop making jokes about you.”
“That would be great. You should make jokes about Chili’s.”
“I love Chili’s.”
“I know. You should talk about your love for Chili’s.”
Rob wrinkled his nose. “You’re making this hard not to craft jokes about you. You’re literally giving me material right now. I could kill with jokes about my ex-wife throwing out suggestions so I won’t put her in my stand-up anymore.”
I laughed. “Fine. Do it. But it’s your last joke about me.”
“Really?” He looked so hopeful.
“Yeah. I have one last suggestion, though. It’s not about stand-up. Call and talk to Piper regularly. Let her tell you about her day.”
He looked up at me. “When? What’s the best time to call?”
“Between five-thirty and seven on weekdays. Or anytime Sunday.”
“Okay. I’ll do that.”
We walked back into the restaurant together, and when we sat back down, Rob kept his arm off my chair and reassured Piper that we were fine.
“You were gone a long time,” she said. “Like five minutes.”
“Your mom likes to lecture people.”
I shook my head and smiled. Rob would always see me that way, apparently. But we were making progress.