23. Lowen
TWENTY-THREE
LOWEN
This is so none of my business, but I can’t let this poor kid make the same mistake I did. Not without trying to set him straight.
Oakley rubs my back, reminding me of his unwavering support, and in turn I reach for Gerard’s hand, holding it in mine.
“Listen, Gerard, what I’m gonna tell you is not really my place, but I wouldn’t feel right not saying it.”
Gerard nods, looking at me with his pretty doe eyes. “I’m listening.”
“You remind me of myself in a lot of ways, when I was young and navigating the Paris design scene. I was so impressionable and desperate for information and guidance. When someone like Alain comes into your life, it feels like a dream, like you found buried treasure.”
Gerard nods like a bobble head. “It does.”
“And professionally, it can be wonderful. That doesn’t mean…” I pause, glancing over my shoulder at Oakley, who nods in encouragement.
“What, Lowen?” Gerard asks.
I exhale slowly, sorting through how to word this. “One of the things we learn as designers is how to follow our vision and listen to our instincts, right?”
“Right.”
“What does your instinct tell you about Alain?”
His features quickly cloud over. “I’m not sure.”
“Yes, you are. He wouldn’t have picked you if you didn’t have a bright mind.”
“I’m worried he picked me because I remind him of you.”
“Is that what you deserve?”
He shrugs, dragging his teeth over his bottom lip.
“I’ll answer that for you,” I continue. “No. No one deserves to be chosen as a placeholder. If he’s chasing some kind of ghost from the past, that’s his mission, not yours.”
“But…” Gerard squeezes my hand. “He’ll ruin me if I leave.”
My heart sinks. “Did he say that?”
Gerard nods. “Often. He reminds me that no one would know my name without him. I swear I’m not a doormat. I don’t even know how all of this happened. We met at a party and suddenly he was wooing me. It all happened so fast, I’m not sure I’ve had time to think about it.”
“That’s his way, Gerard. You get caught up in the limelight. It happened to me too. Do you know why our marriage ended?”
“I know what he told me and what I’ve read. I don’t know which is the truth.”
“Yes, you do. He tried to ruin me, but guess what? He didn’t. I know this is hard, but I promise you, it’ll be much harder ten years from now.”
He nods. “I have to think about it.”
“Of course. Don’t let me influence you either. I don’t know your relationship. Maybe it’s very different from my experience.”
Oakley squeezes my shoulder.
“Follow your heart, but also listen to your gut.”
“You’re right. Thank you.”
“My pleasure, and to be abundantly clear, I don’t love him, I don’t speak to him, and I never would.”
Gerard nods, chewing on his bottom lip.
“We should go inside,” Oakley says. “It’s freezing and neither of you are dressed for this weather.”
He opens the door, and when he does, we’re met with a frantic Alain searching the crowd for Gerard. Someone points in our direction, and every drop of color drains from Alain’s face.
He hurries over to us, glaring at me. “Don’t believe a word he says, G. It’s not at all what it looked like in a darkened hallway. I was just talking to someone I thought I knew.”
Oakley mutters, “Oh shit,” while I gasp softly and Gerard looks absolutely confused.
“What?” Gerard asks.
“Lowen didn’t see anything. He just thinks he did. He would say anything to make me look bad. I wasn’t cheating, G. I wasn’t going to.”
I’ve never heard Alain sound insecure before. Now this is interesting.
Gerard pulls his head back as he crosses his arms over his chest. “You…” He shakes his head. “When I couldn’t find you earlier. You did it again.”
Again?
“No. Like I said?—”
“Was it a pretty blond? That’s your poison, isn’t it?” His voice rises an octave, drawing attention to us.
Oakley grabs my arm, gently pulling me back.
“For the record, Lowen didn’t say anything about that.”
Alain’s eyes shift to me, pure terror reflected in them. “He didn’t?”
“Nope. Seems like your confession was unnecessary.”
Alain chuckles nervously. “It wasn’t a confession because I-I didn’t do anything wrong, amor. As I said, I was just talking to?—”
A server who looks very familiar joins the fray, and I realize it’s the man Alain was talking to earlier. Gerard looks at him, and Alain knows he’s sunk. He tries to pull Gerard away, but Gerard shoves his hand off his arm.
“Sorry,” the server says. “I can’t sit back and not say anything.” He hands Gerard a business card. “He told me he has a separate room I can stay in after my shift and to use that number on the card to call him. I wasn’t going to because I figured out quickly he was probably cheating on someone.”
Gerard looks at the card, his cheeks burning red by the time he lifts his gaze. He extends his arm, offering me the card, and I take it out of pure curiosity.
“Gerard, darling,” Alain starts.
Oakley and I read the card. It’s a cell phone number and a handwritten hotel room number. “This is next level,” I whisper. “Same hotel and everything.”
“Pathetic,” Oakley says.
Gerard pushes past Alain, stomping his way toward the exit, but the scene has drawn a crowd and the photographers are hungry. Alain grabs Gerard’s arm, trying to stop him, and Gerard swings around and slaps him right in the face. Alain looks astounded.
“Holy shit,” Oakley exclaims.
“Whoa.”
“I’ve had it with you,” Gerard says, ignoring the crowd around them. “This is the final insult. Right under my nose, Alain? You are unbelievable.”
“We can talk about this in private.” Alain avoids eye contact with everyone. “I love you.”
The words sting just a little bit. He never told me he loved me. Only all the amazing things we could do together and how brilliant and beautiful I was. I was a trophy for him, a conquest, but maybe he actually loves Gerard. Didn’t stop him from spreading his dick around though. Of course, his manipulation may just have evolved.
Gerard scoffs. “Love? I don’t think you know what that is. It wasn’t Michel or Bernard or Angelo or me, and it definitely wasn’t Lowen. You’ve been chasing what you had with him for years because you fucked it up. You’ve been trying to make me into his image, and I tried. I tried so hard because I admire Lowen. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be what you wanted.”
Oakley rubs my back. “This is hard to watch.”
“Painful.”
“I wear my hair like him, I carry myself like him, and I do everything you want in the bedroom, but I still wasn’t enough. None of your so-called amors have been enough. None of the beautiful men all over Europe that you’ve seduced are enough . Because your soul is empty, Alain, and you can’t fill an empty soul with sex.”
“Gerard.” Alain actually sounds wounded.
“I don’t love you,” Gerard says to the sound of shocked gasps from the crowd. “I wanted to, and I think I did at first, but you’ve spent two years wearing me down to nothing. The repeated humiliations, the constant comparisons to Lowen, your obscene arrogance…” Gerard shakes his head. “It’s too much.” He tugs off his engagement ring and hands it to Alain. “I deserve better than you. I never want to talk to you again.”
Gerard turns on his heel, walking out with his head held high, followed by some journalists, while the rest circle a devastated Alain like sharks smelling blood in the water.
Oakley guides me past the mess, and we try to sneak to the elevators without being seen, but we’re unsuccessful. Five reporters rush us, yelling questions at me. Normally, I would avoid, offer a “no comment” reply and get away as soon as possible, but there’s something about Oakley’s strong, steady presence beside me that gives me the courage to face them.
“One at a time please,” I say, stunning them into silence for a moment.
“Uh, Lowen.” A woman steps forward, holding a mic as her cameraman films behind her. “Do you have a reaction to what we just witnessed between Alain Durand and his fiancé?”
“Alain’s fiancé has a name. It’s Gerard Stanton. He’s a designer in his own right, not just the arm candy of someone else.”
“Yes, of course,” she says. “Any comment?”
Nearly fifteen years of pent-up frustration bubbles up in me, and I squeeze Oakley’s hand as I make the statement I should have made a long time ago.
“I get that it’s your job to dig into people’s lives. It sells your views and your magazines and your photos. It’s part of a public figure’s life, for better or worse. What we all witnessed tonight was unfortunate and sad, and I hope your reporting won’t allow it to overshadow all the good that happened tonight and this past week. The silent auctions raised quite a bit of money for children’s charities here in the city. Many wonderful and talented designers were recognized for their work. The Parisian satellite office will bring more jobs. Those achievements should have equal space if not more.”
I offer my practiced smile, then exhale and let my authentic one bloom.
“For my part, I feel vindicated. I let you write what you wanted about the demise of my marriage, about my work, about my departure from Paris. I let you speculate, gossip, and spread his lies, and I never defended myself. I felt I was above it because it all boiled down to ‘he said, he said.’ I think after what you just saw Gerard go through, the truth is far more obvious. The implosion of my life very much mirrors what happened here tonight.”
I look over to Oakley, whose warm smile gives me the extra boost I need to continue.
“But it’s okay. All of it. Alain devastated my view of love and marriage and commitment. I would’ve rather given up an appendage, even my career, than take a chance on love again.”
Oakley’s smile fades as his expression morphs into surprise.
“But then I made the very wise decision to move back here, and in doing so, I met Oakley. I left Paris scared and broken, but I’m neither of those things anymore.” I blow out a breath. “So if any of you still think I needed Alain for my career, or that I was the one who ruined everything between us, I believe it’s pretty clear now how things really went down.”
I turn to leave, but they start to ask Oakley for a comment. He pauses, looking at me for permission, and I nod, trusting him completely.
“Uh, yeah, I have a comment,” Oakley says. “I only know this version of Lowen, and I can’t say enough about what an amazing person he is. He’s kind, warm, and generous with his friends. He’s obviously brilliant when it comes to design, and he’s made me better at my job. Mostly though, he’s made me step up my game to be worthy of a man like him. If you’re looking for dirt, you won’t find any, but if you’re looking for…” He pauses, squeezing my hand. “If you’re looking for the real thing, you’ve found it.”
My heart flutters in my chest and I practically laugh with joy as I step into his arms and kiss him hard in front of everyone. I can hear the clicking of cameras, but I don’t care if they make a billboard and hang it on the Eiffel Tower. I don’t even care what they say about me or all the shit that happened tonight. It doesn’t matter anymore. Only this moment matters. Only Oakley.
“Take me upstairs,” I whisper.
“Absolutely.”
We walk off without another word and they let us. As we pass the ballroom, I spot Alain with the group of journalists, still spinning his own version of the truth and somehow making himself the victim when he should be trying to win Gerard back.
“You blow me away, Low.” Oakley pushes the Up button. “Never cease to amaze me.”
“I’m just getting started, big bear.” I turn to him, biting back the words on the tip of my tongue until we’re truly alone. “Are you ready for me?”
He nods as his eyes heat. “I sure am, kitten.”
“Good. Because we’re gonna be up late.”
“That’s not a problem.”
Before we make it upstairs, my phone starts buzzing like crazy. I take it out of my clutch and open the group text.
Ridley: Dude. You are slaying N.O.
Me: In what way, may I ask?
Indy: Salem has alerts on his phone set up for the event and for you. Apparently you just blew the roof off the place by addressing your history with A.
“What’s going on?” Oakley asks as we step onto the elevator.
“Apparently, it’s already trending on social media outlets that I gave a statement.”
“That was literally less than five minutes ago.”
“The vultures work fast.”
Ridley: oh shit there’s more.
I blow out a breath, waiting for some hateful comment, but smile when Ridley’s next text comes through.
Ridley: Well damn. That’s a hell of a kiss there, Low.
Me: It’s been a wild night.
Indy: You okay?
I glance at Oakley.
Me: Couldn’t be better. Here’s another exclusive. I have to go. I have a big bear to climb.
Laughing softly, I put my phone on silent as more texts start coming in.
“They can wait until tomorrow.”
“Maybe Sunday,” Oakley says in a low, deep voice that shoots straight between my legs.
I nod. “Maybe Sunday.”
The doors open on our floor and I exit. It feels like I’m stepping directly into the next phase of my life. One where Paris is firmly in the past, as well as all the baggage that came with it, and the future is full of friends, projects, and Oakley.
I might be scared, but I was scared to do a lot of things in my life that I’ve done anyway. If he trusts me with his heart, I can learn to trust myself with it too.