Chapter 34 #2
“Talk about what?” I stubbornly leaned into the wall, crossing my arms.
“Don’t be like that.” Her dark eyes flashed, her thick black lashes squinting at me. “You haven’t missed this many Sunday dinners since Stella died. You know full well what I’m talking about.”
“What, are you going to make me pay a copayment too?”
“Piss off, Val. I’m not your therapist. I’m your sister—which means I can hit you. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”
Her tiny fists almost looked comical as she pounded them together. But I also knew how wicked her right hook was. I blew out a defeated breath, exhaustion winning out.
She plopped into the leather armchair, leaving me no choice but to join Amantha’s ghost on the couch she had loved so much. I trudged over and lay down. Seconds ticked by as I stared fixedly at the ceiling.
“Are we just going to sit here, or what?” Camilla said.
I responded by picking up a throw pillow and placing it over my face.
“You’re a child,” Camilla said, though I could detect a hint of a smile in her voice. “Fine, I’ll start. You and Amantha broke up, and now you’re spiraling, cleaning everything, and shutting everyone out. Sound about right?”
The pillow nodded.
Muffled sounds of footsteps approached me before the pillow was lifted away. I squinted in the sudden brightness as Camilla sat down cross-legged on the floor beside me. She spent a silent minute reading the emotion in my eyes.
“You loved her.”
It wasn’t a guess.
I buried my face into the crook of my elbow and began to cry. The dam of emotion finally flooded over as I lay, gravity pulling each tear down into my hair until it was damp. I couldn’t have stopped if I tried.
“Oh, Val.” Camilla’s voice was thick. “I’m sorry. I knew you cared for her, but I didn’t realize it was this deep. What happened?”
“I happened,” I choked out. “I was a moron and shouldn’t have fallen in love with her in the first place. It was a huge mistake.”
“A mistake?”
My next words felt tight in my throat—tight in my chest.
“I’m not good for her. She deserves better.”
“Okay, Val. I love you and all, but I’m gonna need you to walk me through this. Start at the beginning.”
Camilla rose and returned with a box of perfectly pleated tissues. “Jeez, Val. Did you iron these?”
A strangled laugh burst through my sorrow.
“No, you brat, I didn’t.”
The comedic relief was just what I needed. Sitting up, I grabbed the tissue from her hand and composed myself. Camilla sank onto the couch beside me, waiting. I leaned forward, rested my elbows on my gym shorts, and rubbed my temples.
“Everything was going great. Better than great. I knew I loved her and everything. But I…” I looked over my shoulder at her raised eyebrows.
“This is gonna sound really dumb, so don’t judge me…
” I glanced away, staring fixedly at a bronze table lamp.
“I just wanted some kind of sign that Stel was okay with me and Amantha. Well, one night Amantha said that one joke Stel always used to say.”
Camilla shook her head, her mouth tight, so I went on.
“You know, that empty threat about drugging me to relax? Hearing those words come from Amantha felt so wrong. It reminded me that I was never going to get over Stella.” I glumly stared down at my knitted fingers. “It wasn’t fair for Amantha to stay when I knew she’d only ever get half of me.”
Camilla’s eyes narrowed as the thin line of her mouth pinched harder.
“After that sign, I ended things. She deserves someone whole. I’m never going to be able to be that for her.” I was broken, and I was a fool for believing I could ever be anything else.
“And how long ago was that?” Camilla’s clipped tone confused me. I watched a familiar vein pulse like a hazard sign on her temple.
“Uh, I don’t know. Less than a month?”
My sister smacked a hand to the large vein on her forehead as she began to pace the room. Angry tears suddenly churned in her eyes.
Bewildered, I braced for the onslaught.
“Why are you acting like that?” I asked.
“Because you’re an idiot! That’s why!” Frustration escalated her Italian gestures.
“I’m not an idiot! It was best for her!”
“That’s a lie and you know it!” Tears were spilling down her cheeks now.
“Val, I know you miss Stella. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her, so I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you.
But”—she shook her long curls—“you didn’t give Amantha up for her own good. No, you got scared—and you ran.”
My mouth opened in indignation, but Camilla cut me off with a frustrated noise. She flopped both hands toward me as she spoke.
“It was never about Stella giving you permission, Val! It was about giving yourself permission!” Her huge brown eyes glistened. “Or, do you not remember what Stella told me during that last week?”
Immediately, a massive lump filled my throat while Camilla went on.
“That last week when I went to visit her in the hospital? She took my hand and made me swear I wouldn’t let you give up on love.
Stel knew you would fight it. She knew you’d martyr your future for her.
That’s not what she wanted, and you freaking know it!
” Camilla’s passionate voice swelled to a crescendo.
“You know how pissed she would be right now, Val? That you finally found someone that made you happy then threw it all away?!”
Tears streamed down my unshaven cheeks. I must have forgotten—or blocked out—that detail of Stella’s final days. Maybe I hadn’t been ready to listen back then.
But now, I saw the emotion in Camilla’s eyes, heard the quiver in her determined voice.
I knew she’d been pestering me to date and all, but I hadn’t realized how deep it went—how dedicated she was to fulfilling her promise to her dying sister-in-law.
All the annoying nagging made sense now, and I loved her all the more for it.
I wordlessly tugged the little brat into my arms, letting us both cry on the other’s shoulder.
Stella was the sister she never got to have, and my soul mate whose soul left this world too early. The void in both of our chests would never be filled, but at least we had each other.
Camilla let go and placed one hand on my arm, wiping her tears with the other.
“I know you think you’re broken, Val, but you’re not.
I also know you’re never going to get over Stel, and that’s okay.
She was incredible.” Her voice cracked before she took a deep breath.
“But Amantha is too, though. You can love them both, Val. You can love them both.”
“But I… I ruined it.”
“Then fix it.” Camilla stared into my soul. “You’ll regret it forever if you don’t try.”