Chapter 24
twenty-four
PRESENT DAY
KATE
The pins crash together as the bowling ball annihilates them all.
I smirk, then skip back to where Tanner is gaping.
“You’re freakishly good at this,” he says.
“Thanks.”
Valentine’s day is tomorrow, but since he has a work shift scheduled tomorrow evening, he insisted on taking me out tonight.
I swear, dating a hospital physician assistant is pretty much committing to their odd schedule.
But he has four days off next week, so that will be nice.
The bowling alley was my suggestion, since Tanner seems to favor wining and dining.
Nevertheless, he seems content enough to be here.
He really is such a good guy. It will be nice to bring him to the Lunar New Year day parade with my family next week. They’ve already met Tanner and like him, so it will be a welcome reprieve to have a buffer from any disappointment.
The scoreboard blinks red above us, but unlike at Amantha’s bowling Christmas party, there are no silly nicknames listed.
Just Kate and Tanner.
Kate.
And Tanner.
I glance around, a piece of me wishing Amantha and her family were here tonight. But as hard as I try, I cannot picture Tanner joking with Val. Or teasing Anthony. Or laughing with Susan. It’s like my two worlds are oil and water, refusing to mix.
Or am I the one preventing them?
Tanner’s warm hand finds its way to the knees of my distressed jeans.
“You okay?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“Good.” He kisses me on the top of the head as he stands, then heads toward the aisle to perform what will likely be his twelfth gutter ball.
I squint. Does he really suck this bad? Or is he letting me win?
Does he not know that I love a challenge?
Does he even know me at all?
Brandon’s words from last week assault me like a vendetta of honesty. I sigh, grateful that the Winthrops provided more than just their generous donation that night. If they hadn’t showed up when they had, I don’t know what truth would have spilled out.
Brandon’s concern cracked my defenses in a way I’m not sure can ever be repaired. Even after everything that went down between us, the man is still there for me.
“I care too much about you to sit back and watch you act like someone you’re not.”
I grit my teeth. What’s scarier than Brandon Roberts being wrong is him being right.
And I think he might be. For the past month, I’ve trapped myself in a maze, ignoring exit signs while chasing those who won’t or are not capable of loving me in the way that I need.
And instead of focusing on all the people who do love me, I chose to give up on myself.
To mold myself into a version Tanner might love.
A version that maybe I could learn to love.
This handsome, respectable doctor knows nothing about me, but it’s not Tanner’s fault. It’s mine. I’ve diluted myself so terribly that my personality now rivals the zest of skim milk.
How fun.
“Kate?”
I jerk my head up, a blush heating my cheeks. Tanner blinks expectantly from the driver’s seat, and I have zero clue what he just said.
“I-I’m so sorry.” I grimace. “I missed what you were saying.”
“I was just asking if you had a good time bowling?” Tanner’s brow furrows. “You sure you’re okay?”
He takes my hand across the console, but what comfort I thought I felt by Tanner’s fingers in mine has faded. I need to admit defeat and let the kind man beside me move on.
I’m saved from having to respond by the Waterborough community’s gate, which is quickly approaching. I frown at the iron spires wide open, stuck or glitching again. Stabbing the number to the security team into my phone, I tip a shrug to Tanner as I call to inform them of the broken gates.
Tanner pulls into my driveway, and I note the still darkened living room window. My heavy sigh fills the cab before Tanner rounds the car to open my door.
We arrive at my front door too soon. Tanner glances at it, and I can practically read the hope in his eyes that I’ll finally ask him inside. But I won’t. Not with the simmering knowledge that I have to end this.
I want someone who sees me. A man who I can set down my weapons beside and relax against, not vanish into. And Tanner deserves to find his person too.
“Kate, I just want to say thank you. This last month with you has made me feel things I didn’t think I was capable of feeling. You’re pretty great.”
There’s twelve inches left between us as Tanner’s hand lifts to softly cup my cheek. Floundering, I withdraw it from my face and hold it between my palms.
“Thank you…” I wet my tongue. “You’re pretty great too.”
“I need to get something off my chest.” Tanner’s broad smile turns nervous, and after a long, awkward pause, he says, “I think I’m in love with you.”
He puffs a laugh that clouds in the air. “Man, I can’t believe I just said that. But it’s true, Kate. I’m falling in love with you.”
His huge smile is filled with so many teeth.
I’m frozen in place, but my heart is a speeding bullet. Tanner doesn’t love me. He loves the version I’ve been showing him. The one that is very much not me.
“Kate, didn’t you hear what I just said?”
“You have nice teeth,” I blurt.
Really, Kate?
A lightbulb seems to flicker within Tanner’s gaze, and he gently brushes a strand of hair from my face. “It’s okay if you’re nervous. This… thing between us is real, but scary.”
“I’m not nervous.” I pull away, feeling a tad defensive. “I just…”
Tanner cocks his head. “You what?”
My heart races so fast that nausea rolls around like marbles.
But I can’t lie to him.
“I… don’t feel the same about you,” I whisper.
The glowing man in front of me extinguishes in an instant. His expression looks broken, but I think I glimpse a flash of annoyance before Tanner rallies.
“It’s okay, Kate. I know I fall fast. But hopefully”—he gathers my hand and brushes a kiss across my knuckles—“you’ll feel it soon, too.”
I gently retrieve my hand. “Tanner, I do think you’re an amazing guy. And you’ll make some girl very happy someday, but that girl isn’t me. I don’t feel the same way right now, and I don’t think I ever will. I’m so sorry.” I bite my lip.
Tanner takes a full fifteen seconds to respond. His eyes are turned down, but a subtle muscle pulls tight in his jaw. He offers a silent nod, then retreats toward his car. Relief trickles through me, but Tanner turns back.
“I hope you’ll change your mind, Kate.”
I force a smile, but my voice remains firm. “I’d love to stay friends, Tanner. But I don’t want you to wait around for something more to happen between us. I’m so, so sorry.”
His shoulders slump, and he gets into his car. I stand on the porch until the glowing lights of his white sedan disappear through the broken community gates.
I just crushed Tanner’s heart, and I hate myself for it. My New Year’s Resolution to find a steady, reliable love didn’t work, and now I feel worse for wear.
Despite the hot tears welling up in my eyes, I can’t deny the extra fraction of breath in my lungs as I go inside.