Chapter 41 #2
My bedroom door creaks, then falls silent. My bed is mussed, but there’s no sign of him. Frowning, I pad around the pool house. The living room window catches my eye, and I can make out a silhouetted form sitting in front of the moonlit ocean.
I don’t bother putting back on my shoes as I race out of the pool house and toward the gap in the fence. I hike my black midi-dress to mid-thigh so I can run faster. My long hair whips back from my face as I call his name.
“Brandon!”
He turns just enough that I can make out the texture of his wavy hair.
I’m panting by the time I reach him. He’s sitting in the sand, knees propped between the circle of his elbows.
His white linen shirt is only partially buttoned, the loose edges wafting in the night breeze.
But his eyes don’t meet mine, remaining fixed on the water.
“What are you doing out here?” I pant.
My question is met with silence, interrupted only by the lapping waves.
Brandon doesn’t address me before he speaks. “It wasn’t hard falling in love with you, Kate.”
My jaw falls slack, and he finally looks up at me.
“You know I love you, don’t you? You must, by this point.” He stands, calmly dusting his sandy palms off on his black shorts. “But do you love me, Kate?”
The pounding in my chest responds before I even utter a syllable.
Of course I do.
I don’t think I ever stopped loving him.
But the anguish in his eyes confuses me.
“What’s going on, Brandon?” I scan the surroundings. “Why are you out here?”
“Just answer me, please.” His last word escapes on a pained breath. “Do you love me?”
My mouth fumbles for a response, my eyebrows creasing together. Of course I love you, my mind screams. But the words taste foreign, too terrifying to admit aloud to this pacing man in front of me. One who looks like he might be two seconds from bolting.
“Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?” I ask. Something must have happened, something bad, for him to be acting like this.
And it scares me.
“I can’t do this again, Kate. I won’t. Not if you won’t be vulnerable.” He skates a hand beneath his tired eyes before meeting mine again. “Tell me you love me.”
“I–I want to,” I whisper, as if it might be enough.
“Then why can’t you say it?”
My emotions are a tumbleweed, stirring up dust and confusion, and I’m still aching from saying goodbye to my parents.
I do love Brandon, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s not telling me something.
I’m suddenly back on the campus sidewalk, watching a man with secrets walk away with my heart beneath his heel. If I can’t admit my love for him now, is he going to leave? Does he already have one foot out the door?
“You love me,” he says, pleading. “At least, I think you do.”
“I’m not ready to admit anything,” I hedge, “but I do want to be with you. I want you, Brandon.”
“For how long, Kate?” His sharp breath is almost a laugh. “A month? Two months? I’m not in this for like, for lust, or if our expiration date is still valid. I want forever, Kate. Now I’ll ask this again, do you love me?”
“I…” I can’t bring myself to say the damn word, even though I know I love him. “I need to know why you’re asking. Why are you acting like this? You were just fine before I—”
“Listen.” His pacing picks up. “I fell in love with a brick wall once before, and I won’t do it again.
” He tugs on the ends of his hair. “I deserve someone to love me, dammit! To choose me! I’m done making nests.
I’m not sticking around if you’re gonna close off again.
I can’t go another six years living like an addict on the crumbs of affection you occasionally choose to give me.
You, of all people, should know what that feels like. ”
Tears spring to my eyes. Is that what I’ve been doing? Stringing him along with conditional affection? Am I no better than the two I just left in that study?
“I–I’m not doing that,” I say, stumbling as sand slips between my toes. Am I? Did all of the walls I built to protect myself only turn me into them? It can’t be.
“Brandon, don’t do this,” I plead, although I’m not exactly sure what this is. “Stay with me. I do want you.”
“That’s not good enough.” Brandon tugs me close in a wrenching moment of déjà vu. The skin across my forehead knows exactly what’s happening long before his lips make contact.
“Nice knowin’ ya, Katie Cat,” he chokes out, tears wetting my cheeks.
A sob lodges in my throat, but I still can’t make myself respond. This can’t be happening. None of this makes sense. He’s not telling me something.
And as I watch Brandon stride away, my heart breaks. A sob claws out of my body, and I crumple. Sand bites into my palms.
Brandon’s only motive was to love me.
But how am I supposed to admit I love someone when I’m not sure I even love myself? Were my barricades really sparing me from being the disappointment all these years? Or could I not handle someone else letting me down again?
I ball my knees to my chest, my sobs only accompanied by the ocean.
In the twenty minutes it takes me to return to the pool house, Brandon and his things have vanished.
I curl atop my bed. The sheets still smell like him, the sand clinging to me scratches my skin, and my heart breaks a little more.