Chapter 17 #3
“I know something’s wrong.”
For a moment I said nothing.
I was tired of measuring every word before I spoke it. Tired of calculating consequences before they existed.
Dean waited. He was good at that.
I drew a breath.
“Do you ever feel as if you’re representing more than yourself?”
Dean
I blinked. “You mean… the country thing?”
Luka nodded.
I shrugged. “I guess. There’s pressure, sure. Sponsors. Expectations. But at the end of the day, it’s still my skating.” It felt like an odd conversation to be having after what we’d just done. But I was getting to know Luka well enough to realize nothing was ever random with him.
Luka gave a faint smile. “That must be nice.”
Something in his tone made me straighten. “What does that mean?”
He sat with his elbows on his knees, staring at his clasped hands.
Twice he started to speak.
Twice he stopped.
That worried me more than anything else.
Luka usually had an answer, even when he didn’t want to give it.
“Luka?”
He didn’t answer immediately. His gaze stayed on his hands, his breathing off enough that I noticed it.
Then he lifted his head. “You need to understand something.”
“Okay.”
Luka held my gaze. “Where I am from, there is no separation between who you are and what you represent.” He drew in a deep breath. “I am not an individual first. I am an athlete of Velkarya. Always.”
My chest grew tight at the factual way he said it.
“They monitor us,” he continued, his voice even, which somehow made it worse. “Not constantly. Not visibly. But enough that you are aware of it at all times.”
I clenched my jaw. “Monitor how?”
Then I recalled our conversation when he’d admitted to watching porn. He’d mentioned not being monitored, and I’d let that slip by me.
“Communications. Travel. Associations.” His eyes didn’t leave mine. “Reputation.” He swallowed. “If something is considered inappropriate, it is addressed. Quietly. Efficiently.”
A cold sliver of ice slid under my ribs. “How do they do that?”
Luka didn’t look away. “You are reminded what you represent. What is expected of you.” Another hard swallow. “What can be taken away.”
Shit.
“Taken away?”
He nodded. “Funding. Access to training. International assignments.” A beat, and then, quieter, “Your place.”
Jesus.
“That’s not pressure,” I said, my voice rougher now. “That’s control.”
“Yes.” He didn’t argue, or defend them. “That is why I have never acted on what I know about myself.”
For a moment I couldn’t speak.
“You said you’ve known you were gay since you were fourteen,” I said slowly.
“Yes. Ten years.”
“And in all that time…”
“I made a decision.” He said it as though it was simple, as though it hadn’t cost him anything to hold that line for that long. “I chose to wait, because there was no version of that choice that did not carry consequences I could not control.”
I stared at him, my chest constricting. “You mean you couldn’t risk it.”
“I mean,” he said evenly, “it would not only affect me.”
That made me pause. “Mila.”
He nodded once. “Our partnership. Our results. Our standing.” His gaze held mine, unflinching. “Everything is connected.”
I shuddered out a breath. “And now?” That was the part I couldn’t reconcile.
He was here. This was happening.
Luka didn’t hesitate. “Now, I am still aware of all of that.”
“And you’re doing this anyway.”
“Yes.”
The certainty in that single syllable hit harder than anything else. He wasn’t being reckless or careless. He’d made an informed choice.
“You could lose everything.”
Luka’s gaze held mine. “I know.”
There wasn’t any drama in the answer. That made it harder to hear.
“Then why?”
When he finally spoke, his voice was quieter than before.
“Because I spent ten years making sure nothing happened unless I allowed it.”
I waited.
“And then you arrived.” An echo of his words from days before.
It seemed as if we’d lived a lifetime since then.
I rested my hand against the back of his neck. “Luka…” I felt the heat of him, the way everything narrowed again until there was nothing else in the room.
“This could have consequences I cannot predict,” he said.
“I know.”
His gaze didn’t waver. “And you are still here.”
I didn’t look away. “Yeah.” There was no other answer left.
Not anymore.
He studied me for a second longer. “Then now you understand.”
I leaned in and kissed him, a gentle, fleeting brush of lips that evolved into something deeper, more intimate. Our foreheads met.
“Do you really want to go?” I kept my voice low.
Luka swallowed. “Tomorrow… we skate. Well, not you. I have to be on the ice early.”
I managed a chuckle. “You’re out there early every morning. So am I, usually. So…” I cupped his cheek. “Stay.” I cocked my head. “How do you say stay in Velkaran?”
He blinked. “Zostaň.”
I took a shot at it.“Zos-tahn.”
Luka winced immediately. “No. Zo-staň,” he said, slower this time.
“Zostaň.” It wasn’t perfect but it was close enough.
His lips met mine, and I lost myself in the kiss.
“Verím ti,” he murmured.
I frowned. “What does that mean?”
He held my gaze. “It means I trust you.” A pause. “And I will stay.”