Chapter 30 Cecily
Cecily
Tears threaten to spill down my cheek, but I suck them in. I’m still at a party with people around, and Dylan pulling this isn’t my fault. It was like he saw me and couldn’t help himself, like he’s spent the last two weeks trying to forget about me.
Well…
Too bad.
Because I’m not sitting around waiting for him to come to his senses. When I exit the door, I close it quietly behind me and look at the fence line. When I see the gate beside the house, I start walking toward it. I pull out my phone to text Marina that I’m leaving.
I came for fun, and this isn’t. I’m not doing this tonight.
“Cecily.”
That’s Dylan’s voice. I start walking faster.
I reach the gate and open it. Dylan’s right behind me, so he closes it behind him. I keep walking, ignoring him.
We reach the sidewalk when he stops in front of me.
“I’m done pretending that I’m okay, Ce.”
I look up at him. The sound of the party is behind us. Someone laughs loudly.
I shake my head. “You don’t get to keep doing this.”
“I know. I keep fucking up, Ce. I don’t know how to do this.”
I tilt my head and shrug. “You keep saying that, so how about I make it easy for you… We don’t have to do this.”
I step around him and start walking. My boots click against the concrete.
He catches up a moment later, matching my stride. “Moo. I’m sorry, okay. I have it in my head that I can’t have both. That it’s either hockey or––”
“I would never make you choose, and if you had to, I wouldn’t let you choose me. I know what hockey means to you.”
“Is that why you haven’t reached out? Why you’re just fine?”
I halt. “I don’t know what you expect from me. We had a deal, an arrangement, and if you can’t fulfill your end of the bargain, that’s on you. Not on me.”
“So this is it then?”
I stare at him, not knowing what to say. A car drives past, headlights cutting through the darkness.
He grabs my hands. “I want you, Ce. I want you in my life, but not at the cost of everything else.”
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. He isn’t making any sense. I haven’t cost him anything. Anything that I know of, but the pain is present in his eyes. I come at a cost, even if I don’t know what it is.
I mutter, “I don’t know what that means.”
“It’s on me.” His voice is rough. “Not you.”
I look into his eyes, searching for clarity.
He continues, “The arrangement we had didn’t work.”
“Okay.”
He shakes his head. “But I don’t want that anyway. I want…” His fingers reach for my waist, pulling me in. “You.” He grabs my hand and places it on his lips. His lips are warm when he kisses me gently. My heart aches. “Ce, I want you.”
I blink. “But not as a friend?”
He drops my hand onto his shoulder and grabs my other hand, placing it on his other shoulder. “We’ll never be just friends.”
His palm caresses my cheek. I lean into him for just a moment, remembering when this felt simple and fun, not complicated and confusing. And then I gather my composure and look deep into his eyes.
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Friends is all I can offer.”
“Okay, fine.”
“Fine?” I question, not believing him.
He flashes me a smile. “It’s fine.”
Then he leans down and kisses me softly. I inhale, breathing him in. My nervous system is shocked and melting under his lips. I grab onto him, feeling a little dizzy.
He leans back, licking his lips. “That lip gloss drives me crazy.”
I grab the back of his neck and pull him down to my lips again. His tongue snakes into my mouth, and my body lights on fire. I kiss him back like my life depends on it. I’ve missed this, missed him. His hands slide down my backside, groaning into my mouth.
“My truck’s right there,” he whispers.
I look at it, thinking about the first night we kissed in his backseat. How we went from zero to a hundred within seconds.
I grab onto his jacket and say, “Let’s slow down.”
“We’re not going fast anywhere,” he teases, and then he pulls me into a hug. “I’ll do whatever it takes to prove to you I’m not going anywhere.”
I close my eyes, letting myself have this moment. His heart beats against my ear, steady and strong.
“You disappeared for two weeks.”
“I know,” he says quietly. His arms tighten around me.
“I panicked when Dane was at your place. I saw the way he looked at you and didn’t want to stand in your way.
And then my classes slipped even more, so I’ve been trying hard to figure my shit out.
” He pulls back and puts my hair behind my ear.
“Give me a chance. A real one, and I won’t fuck it up. ”
“Dylan…” I start. I should say no. I should walk away and protect myself from whatever this is between us. But standing here, in his arms, smelling him, looking up at his handsome face, I can’t do it. I can’t say no.
“I need you to actually talk to me when things get complicated,” I say. “Not just run away.”
“I will.”
“And I need you to stop giving yourself the ultimatum, it’s hockey or me. That’s not fair to me, but it’s not fair to you.”
He nods. “You’re right. It’s not.”
I study his face, looking for any sign that he’s going to bolt again. But all I see is certainty, and it scares the hell out of me.
“Okay,” I breathe, leaning into him.
He hugs me back.
“If you disappear on me again––”
“I won’t.”
“If you do, that’s it. That’ll be the end.”
He nods, pressing his forehead against mine. “Deal.”
He looks at the house and says, “Your friends are probably wondering where you are.”
I glance back at the house. “Probably.”
“Do you want to go back in?”
I shake my head. “Not really.”
“Me neither.” He grabs my hand. “Come on.”
I let him pull me across the street as I whip up a quick text to Marina. She’ll understand.
Dylan opens the passenger door for me, and I climb in.
The truck smells like him, so I sit and breathe it in while he walks around the hood.
I’ve missed this. He gets in on the driver’s side and starts the engine.
He pulls out onto the street, and I watch in my peripheral vision how often he looks over at me.
He reaches his hand over and relaxes it against my thigh.
My heart races, thinking about what we’re about to do.
“My place?”
He looks over and nods.
At the first red light we catch, I pull off my seatbelt and lean across the center console, crashing my mouth into his. It’s messy and desperate and everything I’ve been holding back. He’s already kissing me, like he knew I would do this.
He groans softly and pulls away first, his forehead resting against mine.
“Ce,” he murmurs, breath uneven. “Do I need to pull over on the side of the road?”
I giggle thinking about the first night we had together. I squeeze my legs together, remembering all too clearly.
The light turns green, so he starts driving, one hand on the wheel, the other still resting on my thigh. The silence settles between us, but it’s not heavy this time. It’s comfortable.
When we pull into my apartment’s guest parking stall, he shuts off the engine and turns to face me.
“Just so we’re clear,” he says. “I’m not doing this halfway. I’m all in. I’m not walking away again.”
I nod.
He grabs my face. “If you said no, I don’t know what I would’ve done with myself.”
I run my fingers down his cheek. “I could never say no to you.”
He smiles, leaning in. He pecks my lips over and over. I let his lips trail across my cheek and down my neck.
His hands grip my knees where my skirt ends. I grab him and smile. “Let’s get upstairs.”