Chapter 16 #3
“I am. I’m being honest.” I set my cup down and turned to face her more completely.
“I know you think I’d be good for your son, but I promise you, I wouldn’t.
He deserves so much more, so much better than me.
He’s….” I let my face fall into my hands.
“He’s such a bright shining star of awesomeness.
He’s sweet and clever and so damn funny.
He needs a girl whose name can be blended with his to form one of those Hollywood super-couple combinations—like Benifer or Branjelina.
Our name together is Nicabeth or Elizaco. That’s awful.”
“What are you talking about?”
My hands fell to my lap and I shook my head; I met her silver-green eyes directly. “I’m not for him. I’m not like him. I’m ordinary; my feet touch the ground. And, honestly, I haven’t worked through all my issues.”
“Elizabeth Finney, you are extraordinary. And for heaven’s sake, no one ever works through all their issues. Perfection is the definition of boring.”
“But I carry baggage. I’m stubborn and selfish, and I’ve hurt him.”
“And he still loves you.”
“But he shouldn’t. He shouldn’t love me after what I did.”
“What did you do?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“Because I’m his mother?”
“Because I don’t want you to hate me.” I answered honestly then latched on to my selfish self-preservation as another reason Nico and I were not suited. “See? I’m a coward. Surely Nico deserves better than that.”
“Yes. He does. He does deserve better than that.”
I searched her gaze. Before I could respond, she continued.
“But you also deserve better than that. I don’t know what happened to make you feel so down on yourself, so undeserving of happiness, but I can tell you that your mother would be appalled.”
I studied my fingers, unable to hold her gaze. “I’m not down on myself. I just don’t want…I don’t want….”
“Happiness? Someone to love you? Is this why you try to hide the fact that you make all those baby hats and wanted me to give Angelica your gift last week? You don’t want someone to care for you?”
“Yes.”
“Why not?”
“Because he’s not Garrett.” My heart was carried out of my body through a loud exhale. My stomach actually cramped.
“Oh, honey….” She tsked. I felt her sympathy, though my stare was firmly affixed to my hands.
“That’s not exactly right…I just don’t ever want to—it’s like—” I turned my eyes to the ceiling.
“I know it was a long time ago. I know it’s been eleven years, and I can honestly say that I’m not carrying around my love for Garrett like it’s a burden.
It’s not holding me back; it’s keeping me grounded.
I remember loving him, and I remember the good.
But I can’t do that again. I can’t do that again with anyone. ”
“Because you’re afraid?”
“No.” I pressed my fingers to my chest. “Because I can’t. Because I don’t think I’m actually capable of returning those kinds of feelings. If I tried to love Nico and found that I couldn’t, I…I just can’t bear the thought of hurting Nico again…not again.”
Rose was silent until my eyes lowered and met hers. She was watching me with a sober smile. Her pretty eyes were framed by lines of wisdom and grace.
“You are stubborn,” she said.
“I am.”
Rose breathed in through her nose, glanced over my shoulder as though clearing her vision, then leaned forward. “Let me just say something, and you don’t need to say anything—ok? Just listen.”
I nodded, not sure what to expect from this woman I’d known and respected and, honestly, admired my whole life. I felt like I was letting her down. But, I’d rather deal with her moderate disappointment now than incur her wrath by breaking Nico’s heart.
“Dio li Fa, poi li accoppia.”2 She paused after making this proclamation in Italian.
I stared at her blankly; she smiled swiftly.
“Despite what you say, I do know that you and my Niccolò will make each other very happy. In fact, I think part of you is already in love with him too. Why else would you be fighting so hard to protect his heart?” She held my gaze, and I fought a chin wobble.
“I think you push him away mostly because you fear getting hurt, losing someone else, like you lost dear Garrett. He really was a beautiful boy…but there is something else you need to know. Since you’ve been so honest with me, I feel I should be honest with you. ”
“Ok…?”
“I have to warn you that I’m going to be working relentlessly to get you and Nico married.”
I frowned then blinked. “Um…what?”
She placed a well-manicured hand over mine and squeezed.
“One day you’ll find out what it is to have children.
You will want to give them everything their hearts desire, especially when it’s good for them.
His heart wants you, Elizabeth. It has always wanted you.
Since the two of you were children, his heart has known that you are the one.
The two of you belong together. And I have watched him struggle with his heart all his life.
“As you know, I love to spoil my children and the people I love. So, again, yes, I know you two will be very happy together when it happens, and that is wonderful. But also, selfishly, as a mother’s prerogative, I think he deserves to get everything he wants, and if that just so happens to be the lovely, clever, stubborn daughter of my dearest friend—God rest her beautiful soul—then so be it. ”
I opened my mouth to respond but couldn’t. I gaped. I stared at this woman as though seeing her for the first time, and I really looked. I really saw her.
She was completely insane.
The sound of the front door closing startled me from my disturbing realization. The accompanying sound of Nico’s voice announcing his arrival made me jump to my feet.
“Ma, I went to three places, and no one has fresh sweet basil, so I got regular basil instead.” He stopped short as he entered the room and glanced between Rose and me. His eyes gradually narrowed into a suspicious squint and eventually came to rest on his mother. “What’s going on?”
“Oh, just female talk.” Rose stood, waved off his misgivings, and covered a yawn with the back of her hand. All previous crazy-lady vibes had abruptly evaporated. “Can you see Elizabeth back to her apartment? I’m going to bed.”
To my surprise, she embraced me in a short hug and gave me a kiss on the cheek as she left.
“Don’t worry about the basil, Nico.” She called over her shoulder, not turning. “I found some in the refrigerator when I was cleaning up.”
1 Translation: Who has love in the chest, has the spur in the hips.
2 Translation: God makes them, then mates them.