Chapter 5 #2
“Agreed,” Nikolai practically growls. I don’t miss the look Lucas gives him, before returning to the steaks.
“Dec,” Lucas says, his voice a bit louder than the rest, almost canceling out the budding issue. “We all know you. And as much as you try to make light of it, we know when you’re dancing on the edge. You’ve wanted our help to pull you back, many times before, even if you don’t want to admit it.”
I sigh, unable to meet their eyes. They’re right. I know they are. It doesn’t mean I want to give them the satisfaction. Yes, I had a hard two days, but it’s over and done with now.
“I’m fine, guys,” I say, giving them a smile. “There’s nothing to worry about.”
Their silence says everything. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’ve always been angry—growing up the way I did, I had reason to be angry at everything and everyone. But hockey gave me a purpose, an outlet, and I clung to that with everything I have.
But now it’s like the anger is too much for hockey to contain.
Lately, everything has just been fanning the flames constantly and I’m not sure how to keep it at bay before it spreads like wildfire.
“I’ll see you guys inside,” I say, making a point of grabbing another bottle of water before heading into the house.
* * *
Heading for the guest bathroom, my mind is warring between fighting back and letting my teammates in—letting them help me.
I came here tonight to make things right between us because I want things to go back to the way they were last season.
I want to feel like they’ve got my back on the ice, and to assure them what happened this morning won't happen again.
Because despite how much they might irritate me at times, I know they have my best interests at heart.
Mine and the team’s. It’s a team culture I haven’t found in any other city and I hate that I’ve been jeopardizing my spot here.
Walking past a freshly painted wall filled with wedding photos it just sets in again how everything has changed—and how far removed it is from the life I’m living.
Before Lucas got married, we never used much of the house.
We grilled on the patio and watched gametapes in the living room.
I know for a fact there wasn’t much more than a couch and a bed in the entire house before Hannah moved in and decorated the place.
I’ve never done well with families. And now that everyone is moving in that direction, it won’t be long before I’m cast out.
The sudden feeling of loneliness has me gripping the water bottle in my hand. I’m not looking where I’m going when I collide with a flash of platinum and blonde.
When Avah looks up at me it’s hard to miss her red-rimmed eyes and the way she’s wiping her hands on her jeans. Clearly she’s been washing tears from her face.
“Why do I always find you crying in dark corners, Snowflake?” I tease with a smile, fighting the slight unease rising in my chest. “Your life not as perfect and pure as you like to pretend?”
Her gaze narrows as she assesses me. She takes a step back to put more space between us.
“That’s what you think?” she snaps. “That I think I’m perfect?”
“Must be,” I say with a shrug. “Why else look down on others?”
Her breath hitches, whether from anger or hurt, I don’t know. She clearly bites the inside of her cheek, shaking her head.
“You know what, Murphy, I don’t have to stand here and listen to this,” she says before shoving past me.
“Wait.” The word is out before I can stop myself. I reach for her wrist, holding her light enough that she can pull away if she wants to. My gaze travels over her once again, she’s clearly rattled—something even the jerk in me can recognize. “Are you okay?”
Maybe teasing her wasn’t the best option. It’s just that it’s the first thing that comes to mind when I’m in her presence. Her eyes turn soft for a second.
I’ve sparred with her, seen her blue eyes turn glacial when she tells me how bad I treat women, but I’ve never seen her look at me like that. I latch onto it, unable to let it go. It’s a distraction from the rest of the chaos ensuing in my mind. It’s different, it’s new, and I want more of it.
I have no idea why.
Before I know it, she lifts her chin, defiance flickering in her gaze once again.
“Why do you care?” she asks, ripping her hand from my grasp. “I’m perfect, remember? Perfect people don’t cry.”
With that she turns away from me, leaving me alone with a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.
She might be upset, but the fire in her is still burning and I’m drawn to the warmth of it.
Maybe it’s because arguing with her, baiting her and challenging her, is safer for me and my game than any of the other activities I’ve had to distract myself with.
It’s safer than getting too entangled with Melissa, and it’s definitely safer than the contents of a bottle of bourbon.
I can’t get an Avah hangover.
After finishing up in the bathroom, I head to the dining room. Avah’s presence is unavoidable as she adds the finishing touches to a few napkins before taking her seat.
With a small chuckle, I take in the large table that’s set with plates, napkins, glasses…the works if you ask me. I don’t know when was the last time I had dinner around a table.
Maybe a few times when I grew up, but definitely not since I’ve gone pro.
And now? Now, Lindgren and I eat over the sink, or on the couch. Like men.
“This looks so good, Hannah,” EJ says, taking a seat next to his sister.
I do the wise thing…and sit directly across from her.
Since we’re in season, Hannah made sure to add a giant salad and roast vegetables to the menu, along with a decent steak for each of us. The garlic bread on the other side of the table is undoubtedly for her and Avah…and those of us who struggle with self-control.
Lindgren eyes the hot bread with longing eyes.
“None for you,” I tell him. “Rookies don’t get cheat days on their diet.”
“You suck,” he mumbles, adding another spoon of vegetables to his already full plate.
Adjusting my legs beneath the table, I come into contact with something. Judging by the look on Avah’s face, it must be her feet. I linger a while, wondering if she’ll move hers first or…
A sharp kick gives me the answer before she moves her feet away from mine.
The cold stare from opposite the table is a few degrees icier than a few minutes ago.
The slight warmth vanished and I give her my signature smile, the one that makes most women forget the rules they’ve set for themselves.
Avah rolls her eyes before almost violently depositing some vegetables into EJ’s plate.
“What’s up, Murphy?” EJ asks, his eyes dancing between me and his sister.
“Nothing at all,” I say with a smile, picking up my knife and fork. “Let’s eat.”
“Let’s say grace first,” Lucas says from the head of the table, taking his wife’s hand, and holding the other hand out to Nikolai on his left.
Great.
I wipe my hands on my sweats, aware of the fact that I’ll have to hold hands with Lindgren and Hannah. Hannah I’m good with…it’s Lindgren that I don’t particularly want to be holding hands with. Say what you want, it’s a guy thing.
“Thank you for the food we’re about to receive, Father. We ask that you bless it to our bodies, and that you will keep Your Hand over each and every one of us through the night ahead. Amen.”
“Amen,” a chorus goes up around me, and I mumble along.
This is new.
I’m not totally oblivious to family dinners and prayers, just not in my life, not recently.
My Aunt Kat always made sure to take me to church whenever I stayed with her for the weekend.
We sat at the table, and she prayed over our food.
But it was always just the two of us. If I had to pick the devout Christian in the family, it would be her.
Not me.
“This is so good,” Lindgren says with his mouth full. His arms are around his plate like he’s scared someone will steal his food. “Extremely good.” A small chuckle escapes him which turns into a cough as he swallows his food too fast.
“Easy there, Barney,” I say, slapping him on the back. “No shoveling food in the presence of all these nice people. Let’s pretend we’re used to tables and food. Like proper well brought up folk.”
Lucas quirks an eyebrow at me.
“Come on, Lucky Luke,” I say, cutting in my perfectly cooked steak. “You can’t deny it. Before you married Hannah, we sat on the floor, hunched over pizza boxes or meal preps.”
“Or we ate our meat straight off the grill,” Nikolai says, with a small smile.
Hannah looks at me with a smile dancing in her eyes. “If you want, you can sit on the floor? I’m not going to stop you.”
“Or in a different place altogether,” Avah adds, pinning me with a stare. “If that’s where you’re more comfortable, of course.”
There’s definitely a bite to her tone, no one can miss it.
EJ frowns at Avah.
Before I can say something back, my phone vibrates in my pocket. Taking it out, Melissa’s name flashes on the screen. Because I know it will irritate Avah, because I know that it will make me feel a bit better, I answer while keeping my eyes fixed on Avah’s expression.
“Hey doll,” I say, ignoring the glare coming from Lucas at the head of the table. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to make sure we’re still on for tomorrow’s game?” Melissa’s sweet voice comes through the phone. “And then maybe we could hook up afterward?”
“That sounds like an offer I can’t refuse.” I flash a smile at Avah, and she returns the favor by giving me another kick beneath the table. “See you tomorrow.”
“Five points for manners,” EJ says, shaking his head with a smile on his face.
I end the call and shove the phone back in my pocket, keeping my eyes on the ice queen across from me. I move my feet into her space intentionally, hoping to elicit another response.
Why is this so much fun?
“What?” I answer, taking a bite of my steak to stifle a smile. “I thought we just established that table dining isn’t really my thing.”