Chapter 14
AVAH
This morning, the last person I wanted to see was my brother.
That changed the moment I signed my name on the makeshift contract I drew up with Declan Murphy. I need my older brother to know what’s happening, plus I’m sure he’s been looking for his phone.
There’s a nudge in my heart, a pull from God, a tug prompting me to consult Him, to ask Him if I’m doing the right thing marrying Declan…to pray and share my heart with Him.
But I don’t answer.
I don’t know what to tell Him. Not yet, anyway. Right now, this agreement with Declan is my own choice. A choice I made by myself because I can’t seem to just forgive and forget and move back to Sweden.
God knows me…right? He knows I’m not a liar, He knows how I feel about marriage.
It’s just that it doesn’t seem that marriage feels that way about me.
The man I was supposed to marry, broke my heart. And the man I’m about to marry, can’t have my heart.
Is God not sovereign? Is His hand in this right now?
Or is this me going at it alone, because I made this decision.
Knocking on EJ’s door, I try to calm my thoughts. Somehow I know I won’t be able to go through with this marriage if I can’t convince EJ that it’s the best option.
“I’m sorry about the way I acted,” he says, answering the door in his sweats, his blonde hair standing on end as he rubs the sleep from his eyes. “Please forgive me,” he says looking down at my hands. “And thanks for my phone.”
“You know it’s only five pm right? Why are you asleep?” I ask, stepping into his apartment and pressing his phone to his chest.
“Last night went on a little longer than expected.” He closes the door behind me.
“Plus we had an extra two hours with our powerplay coach this afternoon. Do you want something to drink?” he asks, moving further into the apartment to grab a Rangers shirt that’s flung over the back of his couch and pulling it over his head.
“No, I’m fine.” I take a seat on his couch, wringing my hands nervously in my lap. “I actually came by to talk to you about something.”
He looks at me from behind the open fridge door. “Is this about the whole visa thing mom told me about?” he asks, grabbing a bottle of water before taking a seat across from me. “Do you need to bring your stuff here while you look for another job?”
His voice is soft, fighting between sounding like he’s talking about the weather and wanting to spare my feelings.
“It’s so great to know that you and mom plan my life behind my back,” I say, fighting the urge to throw something at him.
He rakes his hand through his hair, huffing and shaking his head.
“We didn’t plan anything, Avah. It was just a suggestion. If you want to go back then fine…I just thought…with Axel—”
“Exactly. Axel.”
That name should be enough to explain the current state of desperation I’m in. Bordering on unhinged…but no matter.
“How does mom know about my visa expiring?” I ask, a frown between my eyes. “I didn’t tell her about it.”
“She’s mom,” he says by way of explanation. “You know she knows everything. I wouldn’t put it past her to memorize the dates and add it to her calendar, or have some reminder go off.”
He’s right. My mom has always been five steps ahead of everyone in life. And it’s all because she’s a control-freak who has lists for everything. In a way I’m sort of glad she knows. That spares me another difficult conversation. But now, she’s definitely expecting me to come back home.
“Well, I’m not going to go back to Sweden,” I say, carefully lifting my gaze to EJ’s. Decision made, I tell him the truth. “I decided to get married instead.”
EJ frowns at me. He leans forward but doesn’t say a word. So, I decide to fill the silence with more facts hoping it will help my case.
“Doing this will give me a green card. I’d be able to stay for as long as I’d like and look for another job in the meantime.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose before narrowing his gaze at me. “I’m sorry…say that again?”
“I’m getting married,” I repeat, the words tumbling from my mouth with more ease than I expected. It still sounds strangely ridiculous, but a part of me is excited by the prospect of having a solution.
Granted it’s a solution that includes Declan Murphy, but after the past twenty-four hours, that doesn’t sound too bad either. For some reason there’s a comfortable…rhythm between the two of us. Which could be a testament to my desperation or maybe even Declan's.
“Oh,” EJ says, laughing. Obviously he’s thinking this is some kind of joke. “And how did you manage to find a fiancé in twenty-four hours? Plus, he’s kind of cheap, because I don’t see a ring.”
“Well, it’s not really the conventional type of marriage,” I say, glancing down at my left hand. I haven’t even thought about wearing a ring. “Besides, I wanted to tell you about it before anything else happens.”
He’s still chuckling, his gaze searching mine for a hint of amusement. He finds none. His laugh slowly dissipates as he realizes I’m not joking in the slightest. The shock in his eyes is clear as day.
“EJ—”
“Are you insane?” he asks, jumping up from the couch, now glaring at me with wide eyes. “You can’t get married for a green card. That’s not a good enough reason to get married. Not to mention I’m pretty sure it’s a felony.”
Is it a felony?
“I tried the conventional way, remember,” I toss back, crossing my arms. “It didn’t work out so well, so this seems like the best option for me. By choosing this, I don’t have to crawl back to Sweden with my tail between my legs. I get to stay here, on my terms.”
“Avah,” EJ groans, wiping his hands over his face. “You can’t do this.”
“Well, I am doing this. And I only told you, because you’re my brother. I want you to know the truth before the rest of the world finds out. Because, it’ll have to look like a real marriage to everyone else, it would have to look like we’re in love. And I didn’t want to lie to you.”
He frowns. “I’m not following…”
Wringing my hands, I look down at them, wondering how I’m going to tell him the rest. I take a deep breath.
“The person I’m going to marry…” I wince slightly before finishing, “Is Declan.”
EJ is quiet, his features frozen in shock.
“Murphy. Declan Murphy.” I gesture toward him, like it’ll help him understand better. “Your teammate. The one in need of a nice girl who’s marriage material.”
I’ve never seen my brother’s face this white before in my life. His jaw tightens, his fists ball at his sides before he turns away from me, heading toward the kitchen where the bowl with all his keys is resting on the counter.
“I will kill him. What did he do to you, Avah?” he asks, rummaging in the bowl for his car keys. “How is he pressuring you into this?”
I get up, taking the bowl with all his keys away from him. “You’re not going anywhere and he’s not pressuring me, EJ.”
His gaze snaps to me. “It has to be, Avah, because I can’t understand how you would willingly agree to something this stupid. You know better than to marry someone only to stay away from your ex-fiancé. You do hear the insanity in this? Please tell me you see it?”
I turn away from him, unable to look at him when he’s looking at me like this, like I’m certifiably insane.
“Why do you insist on running?” he asks.
I huff. “You’re one to talk. You haven’t spoken to Axel either.”
He walks toward me, spinning me back around to look at him, the keys in the bowl clinking in the process. “That’s because if I talk to him, I’m going to kill him.”
My gaze narrows. “Your hitlist is getting pretty crowded there, EJ.”
He shakes his head, a mirthless laugh escaping him.
Perhaps my brother doesn’t fully understand my side of it, but he definitely gets why Declan would want to do this. If he can’t get the emotional side of it, maybe appealing to his love for hockey and his team will convince him this is worth a try.
“Declan is on the verge of getting traded, and you need him. He’s the best defenseman the Rangers have had in the past ten years.
And Harry knows that. But with Declan’s reputation…
he’s willing to risk finding someone else for the sake of the image of the team.
He’s even bringing in a PTO, EJ. I can help him stay on the team. ”
Incredulity paints his features. “You think I’m willing to marry off my sister for the sake of my hockey team?” he asks. “Getting traded comes with the territory! Every NHL player knows that at some point he’ll have to move. We deal with it and move on.”
Perhaps it’s hard for him to understand because he’s not in my shoes. He isn’t the one whose heart got ripped out and stomped on. He’s not the one who gave parts of himself that he shouldn’t have. I’m the one who's broken and I get to choose how I go about putting myself back together again.
“EJ, I don’t want to go back.” My voice is soft and desperate as I carefully place the bowl of keys back on the counter. Tears burn my eyes and before I can stop it, they start to spill.
EJ’s features twist, sympathy swimming in his eyes. I point at his face. “And that’s one of the reasons I can’t go back. I can’t stand having everyone else look at me the way you’re looking at me right now.”
He looks down and takes a deep breath. “Avah, you’re my little sister. I hate that you got hurt. I hate that I wasn’t there and that I couldn’t do anything. I hate that I ever considered that man my friend, that I ever let him close to you. If I…”
“If you what, EJ?” I ask him, anger bubbling up inside of me.
Again he wants to fight my battles, he wants to step in and save the day.
“You couldn’t do anything. This is not on you.
This is on Axel and it’s on me. Nobody else.
” I sigh. “But it doesn’t matter anymore, because I found a way through this. ”
“No, Avah. No.” He shakes his head. “You’re not doing this. You might see a few benefits in this arrangement, but those benefits are tiny in comparison to you maybe getting hurt.”