Chapter 19 #2
“And your ex is an idiot. You are not someone a man cheats on, Avah. I may not be an expert at relationships, but even I know that you’re the type of woman a man does everything in his power to keep forever.”
She wipes over her cheeks with the sleeves of her sweatshirt, lifting her gaze to meet mine. “Is that what you really think?” she asks, her voice soft and fragile.
“That’s what I know.”
She wipes at her tears again, leaning back and leaving my arms feeling empty.
“I don’t know. I guess I was raised to find someone who loves me, marry them and then grow old together. But I’ve tried the whole falling in love thing,” she says, her fingers busy with the hem of her sweatshirt again. “It didn’t get me anything. What does that say about me?”
I lean forward, lifting her chin with my finger, urging her to see the sincerity in my eyes.
“It makes you smart, Avah. You learned from your mistakes.” Taking in her expression, I can’t help but see strength and determination. “Unlike my mother who is on husband number four, still doing the same old song and dance, expecting things to be different.”
“But how is this,” she gestures between us, “right? We’re not in a real marriage, Declan.”
“And I’m glad we’re not,” I say truthfully. I don’t think I would’ve been here if we decided on a real marriage from the get-go.
“The way I see it is people get blinded by passion,” I say, unable to keep myself from looking at her mouth.
I might not be as unfazed by this woman as I’d like to admit, but I’m making a point.
“They forget about all the rest of it. And by the time the passion fades, they’re stuck with a mess they no longer feel motivated to sort through. ”
“You’re so romantic,” she says, rolling her eyes, sniffing as a smile tugs at her lips.
I smile at her and tuck her hair behind her ear, unable to keep myself from touching her one more time.
“I aim to please.”
She gets up from the couch, walking to the minifridge behind the bar. The action gives me room to breathe, room to reassess what’s happening, and how deep I’m digging here. She grabs two bottles of water before heading back to the couch.
“It’s just not what I imagined my marriage would look like, you know?” she says, passing a bottle to me. “I had a picture in mind…and this wasn’t it.”
Taking the bottle from her, I watch her expression switch. Like she’s trying to figure something out.
“Pictures can be readjusted. What do you want from marriage, Snow?” I ask, wondering what it is that she would need to find happiness.
“Why do you ask?” She narrows her eyes. “So you can tease me?”
“No,” I say, unable to keep a smile from my face. “Seriously, what do you want from a marriage? I’m not talking about the whole falling in love part…but the actual marriage part.”
She gives it a few seconds before answering.
“I want a partner in life. Someone who can walk with me through the difficult times. Marriage is two people sticking together when things get hard, or when it doesn’t make sense.
” She looks at me, vulnerability in her eyes.
“I want someone who will pray with me, who’ll lead me.
Someone who supports me and stays loyal to me.
I want someone to care for, someone who I can respect… and who respects me.”
I clear my throat. I was more than ready to utter the words ‘I can be that for you’, until she said she needed someone to pray with her. I’ve never been of the opinion that God wants to hear from me.
Maybe I’m not the man she needs. Perhaps I am the stepping stone until her heart heals and her green card is sorted out. That’s when the right man will enter her life.
“And what do you want from me?” I ask, needing…something to hold onto. “We agreed to do this for at least two years. For the time being I’m your husband. Tell me what you want from me.”
She looks at me, her gaze searching mine for a while. I’m waiting for her to say she doesn’t want anything from me, she’s more than happy to just have each of us play our part. It would be easier if that’s her answer. But the look in her eyes, the warmth stirring in my chest, tells me otherwise.
It tells me that no matter how much I thought I had this under control, Avah just split the game wide open.
“I think maybe it’s best if we take this one day at a time?” she says, and relief fills me. “How about we tell each other every day?”
“What we need?” I ask, hating that I’d have to share a need with her too. I’ve always looked out for myself. Depending too much on others can lead to disappointment.
She nods. “We’ll start now. What do you need, Declan?” she asks.
“You first,” my voice is quiet and careful. Because even though no one is shouting at anyone, the stakes are higher than ever.
“I need you to be honest with me,” she says, vulnerability playing in her eyes. “Not just today, but every day. I get that we made an agreement, but what happens between the two of us…I need you to be honest with me about all of it.”
My mind whirs through everything that happened today—every moment we had together. None of it was work, none of it felt forced. At least not from my end. Holding her close, laughing and smiling with her, even kissing her…it felt normal.
“Then I need you to not freak out on me.” I take her left hand in mine, my gaze dipping to the ring on her finger. I can’t help but twirl it, watching it and waiting for something in me to retreat. It doesn’t come.
She simply nods…waiting.
“I can’t name a single thing that felt like pretending today,” I tell her honestly.
She doesn’t say anything, and I lift my eyes to hers, wondering what I’ll find.
I’m not sure if it’s because we’re married, and somehow it feels like we’re bound together, which offers safety for honest words. Or if it’s because it’s the middle of the night, we’re alone, and it feels like secrets won’t get out.
A small smile plays along her mouth. “I can say the same,” she says carefully.
It feels like a knot in my chest has been undone. I pull her into my side again, pressing my mouth against her hair.
“Okay,” I murmur. “Starting tomorrow, we tell each other what we need. That’s something we can do.”
My arms tighten around her without my permission. She asked for honesty and holding her, feels honest.
For now I can’t say what I really need. But hopefully when the time is right, I’ll be able to say it.
And she’ll be able to hear it.
* * *
Brady Sullivan: Update on the player you knocked out. Medicals clear. Resuming play tonight.
Relief moves through me as we step into our new home—at least Brodin’s health is one less thing I have to worry about.
After last night, something has shifted between me and Avah. Not monumentally, but in a small way that has us making space for each other in a way we didn’t before.
“Everything alright?” she asks, having noticed my reaction to the message on the phone.
“Yes.” I close the front door behind her, and follow her into our new livingroom, setting down our bags on the plush carpet. “Brady says Brodin’s fine, no permanent harm done. He can play again tonight.”
“That’s good news,” she says, her smile reaching her eyes. “Right?”
I look around the space that’s our new home.
Brady arranged everything. A fully furnished place: rugs, curtains, lamps.
The living room even has books on the coffee table and a plant thriving in the corner.
It feels more like we’re coming home after the weekend, and not stepping into a new house for the first time.
The sunlight flooding into the space through the giant windows frames her beautifully, and for a second I can only stare.
“You’re right,” I manage, forcing myself back on track. “It definitely makes this whole ordeal less complicated. I don’t even want to think about what could’ve happened if—”
“So don’t think about it,” she says softly, laying her hand on my arm. “God has been good in this situation and that’s all you have to know.”
I just nod. I didn’t even think that maybe God had something to do with the outcome of any of this. In my mind He’s just been…missing. But maybe He’s doing what He does and I’m the one missing all of it.
“I can’t thank you enough, Declan,” she says, her voice fragile, her gaze anywhere but on me. “I know we’ve had our…differences, but what you’ve done for me—” She shakes her head. “Thank you.”
The words scratch at something inside of me. I step closer, the need to erase her line of thought hitting me harder than an open-ice hit. She shouldn’t be thanking me. I don’t want her to think that I’m doing her a favor, or worse…that she owes me something.
“I’m the one who needs to thank you, Snowflake.”
‘Thank you’ won’t ever be enough. She’s saved me in more ways than one.
Her honest words may have cut deep at first, but now it’s clear that I needed to hear them.
Her words gave me a glimpse of the man I was becoming.
And now she’s giving me the chance to redeem myself, to fix what I’ve almost broken to the point of no repair.
If it wasn’t for her stepping in, my life would’ve gone up in flames.
There’s no way to deny it.
None of those words leave my mouth. Instead, I’m staring at her in awe and wonder. I have no idea what I’ve done to deserve her time.
My gaze dips to her mouth, remembering what it feels like to press my lips against hers. She asked me to be honest with her…every day.
And right now, the honest truth is that I want to kiss her.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, breaking the moment between us. I step back, pulling the phone out half-thinking it’s Brady again. Instead, it’s Lindgren. His text has me frowning and smiling at the same time.
“What is it?” Avah asks, narrowing her gaze at me.
“Your brother just decked the new guy,” I say, unable to stop from laughing. “Can you believe it?”
Shock moves across her features. “What?” she asks, fumbling for her own phone.