Chapter 22
AVAH
After the game, I wait outside the locker room for Declan. He played great tonight…but even I could see the look of disappointment on his face when the Coach called Axel onto the ice with Mitch for the last two shifts.
Declan just needs to remember that this is his first game back after the suspension.
Plus, it’s still early in the season. Most teams are playing their bench, switching up lines and d-pairs to get a feel for what they need moving forward.
Gaining back the trust of his Coach will take time, he just needs to be patient.
My stomach dips thinking about how he kissed me before the game. I know there were reporters watching but it didn’t feel like it was for show. The moment he kissed me, the press vanished. There was only the two of us and the way we seamlessly fit together.
I didn’t think I wanted more from Declan, not now anyway, not when everything is still new and uncertain. But who am I to question why I’m falling for him.
Because that is what’s been happening.
In a matter of a week and a half, I’ve fallen for Declan Murphy…hard and fast and in such an undeniable way.
A voice behind me slices through the quiet hallway.
“I was wondering when you’d realize you couldn’t ignore me forever.”
Every cell in my body freezes. It’s the same voice I once loved, the one I longed to hear after a long day. And now it’s a voice I wish I never have to hear again.
Father God, I need You.
I take a deep breath before turning around. In front of me is the man I would’ve married, walking toward me with his duffle slung across his shoulder.
He looks different than when I last saw him. His jaw is no longer clean shaven, instead he’s grown out his beard slightly. It definitely takes away the sharp edge of his face. And of course he’s no longer dressed in yellow and navy, instead he’s wearing a Ranger sweatshirt.
Like he’s here to stay,
“I wasn’t ignoring you, Axel,” I say, lifting my chin, surprised that my voice comes out way more stable than in my head. “I simply moved on with my life. Just like you did.”
He cocks his head, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Who said I moved on?”
His words strike me in the chest. If he thinks I’m going to believe that he’s here for me, he’s got another thing coming. He had a whole year to come after me and he didn’t.
“You didn’t really have to use your words,” I say, matching his tone. “From where I was standing, the engagement was pretty much up in flames.”
Something flickers in his expression, something akin to guilt before he buries it again. He looks down, adjusting the strap of his duffle over his shoulder.
“About that,” he says, taking a step in my direction and I instinctively take a step back. “You never really gave me a chance to explain, or to apologize even. You just left.”
The embers of the anger and rejection I’ve been trying to bury inside of me for a whole year threaten to ignite.
I try my best not to react to it, to keep my face neutral, but it’s hard.
He’s right here. After a whole year of me hiding and feeling like I wasn’t good enough… he’s finally in front of me.
And he’s got the gall to sound wounded, like I owe him an explanation for leaving without a word.
The only thing I feel like I owe him is to make him feel even a fraction of what I felt that night.
“Gumman,” he says, the term of endearment carrying more than seven years of familiarity, years of history. “Please give me a chance to explain.”
I shake my head, partly because I don’t want to hear it and partly because I want to crush the thoughts and memories he’s stirring up by using that name, by standing here in front of me.
“You hurt me, Axel,” I say simply. “I’m not sure what your reasons were and honestly I don’t think I care one way or another.”
He nods, his gaze fixed on me, and for a second there’s a flicker of something in his eyes. Maybe curiosity, or guilt.
Then he asks, almost casually, “Is that why you married him? Because you don’t feel anything for me?”
His question hits me like a slap. My eyes widen and I don’t miss the look of slight satisfaction on his face, like he just got confirmation that he still matters in some way…that I still care.
“The decisions I make are no longer any of your business,” I say, my voice surprisingly firm. “You forfeited the right to know why I do anything the moment you pressed that woman against the wall.”
I look away, unable to believe those words are even leaving my mouth. My decision to marry Declan may have been influenced by him. But now…Axel doesn’t have anything to do with what’s going on between me and Declan.
“Why are you here?” I ask. “You weren’t happy with me, you didn’t want me. So why are you here, insisting on knowing why I married someone else?”
His expression softens once again. “I made a mistake, Avah. You know me…” he trails off taking another step in my direction. “You’ve always known me. I’m not the type of man to mess around with other women—”
“Are you telling me the guy in the locker room, the guy I saw with another woman…” I trail off, the image once again flashing before my eyes, tears burning behind my eyes. “Are you seriously standing there and telling me that wasn’t you?”
“That was me. I’m not denying it.” He shakes his head, running his hand through his still damp hair. “I’m saying that I shouldn’t have done that. I made a mistake.”
There was a time I thought hearing those words would fix something inside of me, but it doesn’t. Axel can’t fix the wounds in me even though he caused them in the first place. No amount of words or apologies can fix it.
“Axel, I loved you.” The words feel honest and true. I no longer love him. That part is gone. “I really did. I wanted to be your wife. I was ready to step into that life with you—”
“Why did you leave then?” he interrupts, stepping closer again. “We could’ve figured it out.”
“No, we couldn’t,” I say, shaking my head. “You have to figure out why you did what you did, what drove you to it…and I have some healing to do. I don’t want to drag the ruins of this relationship with me for the rest of my life.”
Hurt flickers across his face and it hits my heart. I hate that it does, but I will always care about him. We grew up together, we spent countless days together, we dreamt up a future together…and now it’s gone.
“So, you’re saying one mistake is going to cost us our future?” he asks, and my head whips to him, searching his gaze.
“Was it just one, Axel?” I ask, finally asking the question I’ve had sitting with me for a year.
His lips part to answer and then he doesn’t. “None of it meant anything.”
I feel the old ache in my chest tighten, reminding me of the trust that was broken in a single moment. My throat burns, but I force out the next words.
“It meant something to me,” I whisper, hearing the truth of what was going on behind my back, cutting deeper than I’d like to admit. “So if there’s any part of you that’s here for me? Then you should go. Because I’m done with what was once between us.”
He starts shaking his head. Footsteps sound behind me and I already know who it is, when I feel him drawing near.
“Snow,” Declan’s voice comes from behind me and relief flows through me.
He slips his hand along my waist, pulling me into his side before pressing a kiss into my hair.
“Let’s go home,” he says, and I swear I feel it in my toes…warmth, safety and homecoming all at once.
Axel clears his throat.
“Something on your mind, Boqvist?” Declan asks, tossing a cold glare at the guy who’s gunning for his position. His voice is calm, but his words cut like steel.
Axel swallows, his gaze flicking between the two of us.
“Just wondering how you sleep at night knowing that as soon as EJ finds a new friend and teammate, she’ll attach herself to that guy next.”
Declan tenses next to me, his grip tightening on my waist. He gives Axel the smile that makes his dimple pop.
“I sleep just fine, Boqvist. Especially knowing she’s right next to me.”
Before Axel can say anything, Declan looks at me. “Let’s go, I still have to talk to the press, and then we’ll go home.”
I nod, turning away from Axel and leaving him in the hallway. I hope he listened and that if he’s here for me, he should rather go back to Sweden.
If not…then we’ll deal with that too.
Together…with God by our side.
* * *
The house feels too quiet after the game.
The faint hum of the city filters through the windows, but other than that we step into a muted living room. I drop my purse on the counter and kick off my heels, the adrenaline of the evening still pulsing through my veins.
Declan closes the front door behind him, the soft click echoing through the space.
He sets his duffle down and stands there for a second, running a hand over the back of his neck.
He’s been quiet the entire way home and it’s strange.
Tonight should feel like a victory, for both of us.
He played his first game, he didn’t let Axel get to him, the team won, I spoke to Axel and survived…
And yet everything around us feels…fragile.
“You handled the media well,” I say finally, trying to fill the silence. My voice sounds too bright. “They tried to make it hard for you, but you stayed calm.”
He gives a short laugh, low and tired. “Years of practice.”
I step into the kitchen, the need for peppermint tea has me filling the kettle and placing it on the burner. I’m grateful to have something to do with my hands given the awkwardness that now fills our home. Awkwardness that hasn’t been present, not ever for a second, since we got married.
“Can I make you some tea? Peppermint?”
He shakes his head, running his hand through his hair before taking a seat at the counter, drumming his fingers on the counter top in a restless rhythm.
“You spoke to Boqvist,” he says at last.
I take two mugs from the cupboard, set on making him some tea too. “I did.”