Chapter 23
DECLAN
“You’ve shown improvement,” Harry says from behind his desk. “I think the suspension did you good.”
Early this morning, Harry sent me a text to meet him in his office before practice. I’m glad he called me in, because I was thinking of coming to see him anyway. The last time we spoke, it was right after the incident, and I need to set things right with him and with Coach.
I nod, giving him a smile. “It did what it was supposed to,” I tell him simply.
I’m definitely not going to tell him that it was more than the suspension.
I’m very certain that Avah was the changing factor these past two weeks…
or maybe a catalyst of sorts. Two weeks isn’t that long, but she’s already had an influence on who I am sitting here now.
Maybe, it’s been longer than that…but I’m not ready to admit that out loud.
“So you’re ready to send the other guy home?” I ask instead.
Maybe it’s selfish, but I’m ready for Boqvist to move on to a different city, different team…
maybe even a different country. If he’s such a great player, he can fit into any team in the NHL.
I’m not going to deny the guy his chance to move up in the leagues.
But why make things difficult for everyone involved.
I don’t want to share the ice with him any more than I want Avah to have to bump into him on practice or game days.
Harry cocks his head and takes a sip of his coffee. “I’m still deciding.”
“What?” Frustration moves through me and I sit on the edge of my seat. “You’re not serious, Harry?”
“Why?” he asks, leaning forward too, daring me to challenge him. “You think I have to throw away the future of my team because you managed to behave for two weeks?”
When he says it like that it hits differently. It feels like more than that. It feels like a shift in my life, a shift in the right direction. Not just a temporary behavior change…but rather something that can last if it’s handled right.
“Harry, it’s more than that,” I say, hoping he can hear the conviction in my voice.
“Maybe to you.” He sighs, tugging on his tie, digging his finger into his collar to loosen it.
“Listen kid, this isn’t me trying to hurt you, or take something from you.
I told you before, my first priority is this team.
Axel Boqvist has been good for this team, and his try-out deserves serious consideration. ”
I run my hand through my hair. If Boqvist stays it affects more than just my spot on the roster, it affects her.
She’s done with him, and wants to move on. I believe her.
That doesn’t mean she should have to see the man who betrayed her. It doesn’t mean that we have to make space for him in our lives.
Knowing that my inability to stay in control is the reason he’s here in the first place leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Bitterness that’s difficult to swallow.
As for Avah…we haven’t decided what we want to be yet. There’s no denying the shift between us, but it’s new and fragile. And real, very real—she made it clear last night. But she could very well decide she wants to forgive Boqvist and go back to him.
She’s that good a person.
“Okay, I get that,” I tell Harry, wiping my hands on my pants, hating that I have to ask this next question. “But what if there’s a reason I can’t play on the same team as Boqvist?”
Harry narrows his eyes. “What reason? Is it personal?”
I nod once.
“Then you leave your personal lives outside my rink, Murphy. This is the NHL. Not high school.”
What if I can’t… He must see the question on my face, the question I don’t ask out loud, because I have a feeling what Harry’s answer will be and I’m not going to like it.
“I can see your mind working…and I can already tell you. This is the New York Rangers. It’s not the Murphy and Boqvist show. Sort it out, or I’ll have to consider taking matters into my own hands.”
The air leaves my lungs as I stare at Harry. Disbelief moves through me. I’ve done what he asked me to do…I even got married to keep my spot on this team.
Still, it isn’t enough.
Still, he’s considering Boqvist instead of me.
What if he trades me? Will Avah stay here? Or will she come with me?
The thought leaves me with more uncertainty and a sense of loss that cuts deeper than I thought it would.
I get up and leave his office feeling hollow. The pictures of the different teams over the years line the walls as I make my way back to the locker room for practice. A reminder that everyone here is dispensable. This is the Rangers, and if you can’t work with the team, then you’re out.
I’ll just get traded for another player…one that fits them and their image better.
* * *
The meeting with Harry is still fresh in my mind when I step through the front door.
My mind is reeling. I want nothing more than for it to quiet down. A drink would help, sure. Up to a certain point, it used to calm down my thoughts. But then it would get worse.
I don’t want that, I want Avah.
I want her.
She looks up from the dining room table, where she’s sitting with her laptop. She’s been trying to keep busy despite her work situation, something that I admire in her. She doesn’t give up, but pushes forward.
A smile spreads on her face, just like every other time I’ve come home.
I didn’t know how much I needed this. Someone who’s waiting for me. Someone who’s happy to see me after the day is over. Someone I can wind down with, someone with who I can just…be.
“How was your meeting with Harry?” she asks, getting up and walking over to me.
She’s wearing my jersey and it has a sense of belonging settling in me.
I pull her close, holding her tight. The scent of her grounds me, the soft embrace lending comfort I’ve never known before. Deep down I’m reminded of why I’ve never stepped into a real relationship with anyone.
Fear of losing what I have right now winds through my entire being, reminding me of how I mess up everything I touch, everything I care about.
“Is everything alright?” she asks, against my chest. “Did he say something about Axel?”
Hearing her say his name digs into my chest.
I pull away, sighing. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
The fact that he’s possibly staying on the team…it’s hard to process. My own actions created a gap for him to come in and not only threaten my place on the team…but my very fragile relationship with Avah.
She looks up at me, her blue eyes filled with worry.
“What do you need?” she asks.
The words get lodged in my throat. Because I can’t ask that of her. Instead, I place my palm on her face and lean closer.
She meets me halfway. Hope blooms in my chest as her lips brush against mine. It’s a soft, gentle kiss. A reminder of how she has the ability to make me feel lighter when everything else in the world feels heavy.
I lean in again, needing more.
Needing her.
Her arms slip around my neck and I take it as permission. Unable to help myself, I deepen the kiss. The need for her has been burning through me for a long time, and even though this is me breaking our agreement, I know a part of her wants this too.
She kisses me back. The dull ache from this morning melting into warmth, spreading through me. For a moment it’s easy to forget every uncertainty. Harry, Boqvist, all of it…it’s just me and her finally admitting that there’s more between us than either of us have been able to voice out loud.
“Declan, wait,” she whispers, pulling away, her hand on her mouth. “We need to stop.”
Her voice is gentle and still it feels like someone sucked all the breath out of my lungs.
“Why?” I manage, my voice low. “I need you, Avah.”
Desire sparks in her eyes, her gaze traveling over my face before she slowly shakes her head.
“We can’t,” she says softly.
“Why not?” I ask, unable to keep frustration from creeping into my voice.
“Because I can’t rush into this, Declan. I still have to—”
“Still have to what?” I ask, suddenly feeling defensive. Is she choosing him too? “Get over Boqvist?”
She shakes her head, stepping away from me, leaving my arms feeling empty and cold.
“You’re not being fair,” she says, her voice filled with hurt. “We have an agreement. And now things are changing. I can’t just dive into it before we discuss this properly. We have to be honest with each other.”
“Yes, so please,” I say, the words coming out rough.
“Be honest with me. What are you going to do now that he’s maybe staying in New York?
Now that he might be a Ranger and you’d have to see him all the time?
Because you married me to get away from him.
And now our marriage, this agreement, will do the exact opposite of what you intended in the first place.
Is it wrong of me to assume that you might want out? ”
Her eyes search mine, like she hasn’t really thought about it. Not all the way through.
“We said at least two years,” she says, her voice too quiet and uncertain.
Laughter bubbles from my lips. She’s slipping away from me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
“I don’t have anything else to offer you, Avah!” I say, my voice loud and harsh. “This is it. Binding yourself to me should’ve helped you, and now it doesn’t anymore. All that’s left is this,” I say, gesturing toward myself. “There’s nothing else I can give you.”
“No,” she says, shaking her head and turning away from me. “No.”
“It’s true!” I run my hands through my hair. “If you’re not staying for me, then why are you even doing this? Why wear the ring and go through with the paperwork if you’re not staying for me?”
She spins around, her anger flaring up and meeting mine. “So staying for you, means I have to sleep with you?”
“That’s not what I said,” I bite back quick.
“Oh yes, it is.” She points her finger at me. “There’s so much more to you than that, Declan. You’re more than just what you can give someone. You’re more than just someone to warm my bed at night.”
I shake my head, not sure how to deal with the truth she’s shoving in my face. I’m not sure I believe it.