Chapter 24
DECLAN
I didn’t have it in me to face Avah after what I just put her through. After the way I behaved tonight, the least she deserves is a night without me.
Besides, I need to talk about what happened with someone who I know will give it to me straight.
And who better than my teammate and now my brother-in-law.
He opens the door, a mix of irritation and surprise painting his features. He runs a hand through his blonde hair, tossing a quick look over his shoulder toward the living area.
“Uhm, what are you doing here?” he asks, glancing over his shoulder again. “Is everything alright with Avah? Where is she?”
“She’s at home,” I say, stepping past him into his apartment.
He lives in a penthouse apartment, courtesy of his massive seven year contract with the Rangers. The large windows overlook the city, the lights flickering in the large black expanse outside.
EJ’s gaze drops to my hand. “You’re bleeding.”
I lift my hand, realizing I forgot about the cut. Most of the blood has dried, but my hand’s a mess.
“The kit’s in the bathroom,” he says, jerking his head toward his guest bathroom.
A dark haired woman rises from the couch, grabbing her purse off the coffee table in the process.
“I guess I better go,” she says, giving EJ a soft smile. She turns to me, her demeanor growing icy. “Good to see you again, too.”
I frown, not able to place her. She must read the expression on my face because she rolls her eyes at me.
“I guess you don’t remember me. Figures,” she mutters before turning to EJ. “I’ll see you some other time. Call me.” She kisses him on the cheek before tossing me a final glare and walking out the door.
“Sure. Thanks for tonight,” he says, closing the door behind her before turning to me.
“Who’s that?” I ask, feeling like they’re in on a joke that I’m not a part of. I try to place her face… “Should I know who she is?”
EJ frowns. “Bro, that’s Liz,” he says, walking deeper into his apartment. “Hannah’s friend from Vegas?”
I swallow, the memory suddenly sharp and clear. Lucas running into Hannah in Vegas, there was flirting…while I was still seeing Megan. EJ saved me from a complication that night. Hindsight can be very sobering.
“Right,” I mutter. “You’ve been saving me for a long time.”
EJ frowns at me again, his gaze dropping to my hand again. “You better go fix that up, if you’re talking like that you’ve clearly lost a lot of blood.”
I chuckle, walking past him to the bathroom.
While getting the kit and cleaning up the cut on my hand, I can’t help but see God’s hand in my life in the form of my teammates.
I didn’t appreciate their input over the years, but now I can see that they have kept me from making massive mistakes.
But even that couldn’t keep the darkness at bay.
Besides, it’s not their job to babysit me.
At some point, I have to learn to not walk on the edge or I’ll fall into the abyss.
God placed me with a team with good people, with His people. I could’ve been surrounded by teammates who encouraged me in my demise, and I’m sure I would’ve been in the exact spot my dad is in right now. Or maybe even worse.
Heading back out, I find EJ sitting on the couch, his phone in his hand.
“Should I tell my sister you’re safe?” he asks. “Or are you already tired of this charade of a marriage? Is that why you’re here in the middle of the night? Bleeding?”
He’s trying to stay calm, but the underlying anger in his voice is clear cut. He’s thinking the worst. And I’ve never really given him a reason to do otherwise.
I sigh and head to the couch opposite him. “I guess I deserve that.”
“What’s going on, Dec?” he asks. “Is Avah alright?”
There’s nothing wrong with her. I’m the one with major issues.
“She’s fine,” I say, knowing that Avah might be upset by the things that happen in her life, but she’s strong where it matters. And that will allow her to always come back stronger. “She’s at home. But feel free to send her a text and find out.”
EJ looks at me for a second, before firing off a quick text and setting his phone down next to him.
“I’m choosing to believe you,” he says. “But I did let her know you’re here.”
I nod, thinking that maybe I should’ve done that. She’d be worried, even if she’s mad or disappointed.
“I went to the rink tonight,” I tell him.
“In the meeting with Harry this morning, he told me that Boqvist might stay. It got to me and I took that feeling home. We had a fight,” I say, a small chuckle escaping my lips at my description.
“Or more of a disagreement, I guess. We were fighting a lot more before we got married.”
Glancing at my fingers, I look at my own empty left hand. Avah’s wearing the ring I got her, but she’s never gotten me a ring. Perhaps that’s telling in its own way.
“And you came here?” EJ asks, scratching at his jaw. “Instead of going to a bar?”
I shrug. “I guess it didn’t cross my mind. I went to the rink first, and there…” I trail off, running my hand through my hair. “Well, I’m here now.”
I don’t know how to tell him about my encounter with God. I don’t know if I should. It feels deeply personal and yet, I know there will come a day when I will tell others, when He will want me to tell others.
But for now…I need to see where He’s leading me first.
“Listen, Dec,” EJ says, his gaze narrows as he studies me. “Don’t take this the wrong way…”
His words have me sighing and leaning back on the couch. “I came here because I knew you’d give it to me straight, so please…” I gesture for him to go on.
A mirthless laugh escapes him. “You’ve been my teammate for almost four years now. We’re together for most of the year, practice, on the road…all of it. Never, not once, have you showed up at my doorstep. Not mine, not Lucas’s…never. You’ve always kept us at arms length.”
I guess that’s true. I’ve always thought of them as my teammates first. Perhaps it’s part of my damage, my broken view on relationships.
“Are you telling me to leave then?” I ask, only half joking and hoping to God it’s not what he’s saying.
He shakes his head. “I’m saying I’m glad you’re here. This is how it’s supposed to be.” He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “And if this change has anything to do with you marrying my sister, I can’t say I’m sorry about it.”
I look up at EJ, finding sincerity on his features.
I didn’t realize how much I’ve been missing in my life by closing myself off completely.
It wasn’t always a conscious decision, but it happened none the less.
Back at the rink, the warmth that spread through my entire body…
the love and grace I felt…I want more of that.
“I want her EJ. I want to be with her for real,” I say, my voice steady and firm. “I didn’t do it right the first time, I’ve never done it right. But with her…I want to try.”
He doesn’t say anything, his breathing growing quieter as he studies me. Then, “Why are you telling me and not her?” he asks, his question making me pause.
It feels like the answer is obvious, but to have to put it into words feels like the most difficult thing to do.
I’ve never seen this modeled for me. No one showed me how to love and honor a woman the right way, but I do know it starts with this.
It doesn’t matter how idiotic I feel, because this isn’t about my pride or what I want. This is about her.
“Because she deserves someone to do right by her,” I say simply. “She’s special and beautiful and perfect, even if she doesn’t think so. If you think I’m not good enough for her, then you tell me and I’ll back off.”
EJ exhales, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “You’re not good enough for her,” he says with a grin.
His words sting, and his grin even more. Before I can say anything he adds, “But neither is anyone else. At least you understand that, and it’s a good start in my book.”
Relief moves through me. “That means a lot,” I say, unable to stop myself from smiling. “Thank you.”
EJ tilts his head and studies me. “You’ve changed, man. What happened?"
“I think I met God tonight at the rink,” I say simply, running my hand over the back of my neck.
‘With conviction,’ the voice comes from inside me.
I clear my throat and try again. “I know I met God tonight at the rink. Maybe He’s always been there and I’ve just been running, but tonight I found myself in a place where I could meet Him.”
EJ nods, scratching at his jaw. “Sounds about right,” he says. “I’ve always prayed for you, Dec. It might sound strange, but it’s the truth.”
Gratitude fills me. I have no idea what I did to deserve to be surrounded by people who would stick around, and pray for me when I haven’t given them any reason to believe in me.
“Avah prayed for me too,” I say, remembering the night we got married, her tearful prayers reaching me through the door.
“She does that for the people she cares about,” EJ says and my head snaps up. “I know her, Dec. She’s liked you long before she cared to admit it.
His words let a small ray of hope crack in my chest. Perhaps if I talk to her, explain to her what has changed, maybe then she’ll give me a chance. If that’s what God’s plan is for us.
“Listen, even if Boqvist stays, even if Avah finds herself in a spot where she’s not ready to let you in…know that none of that matters.” EJ sighs, shaking his head. “Tonight you found what truly matters, and you work your way from there.”
EJ’s words settle over me, like he’s spoken truth into my life.
“I will.” My words are for him and for God. A promise that I will try, even if I can never earn it, I will never stop saying thank you.
EJ gets up and slaps me on the shoulder. “I’ve got a guestroom, you don’t have to crash on the couch,” he says. “Tomorrow you can face my sister.”
I chuckle at his words. The ache inside of me is still there, reminding me of who I am and where I came from, but it’s no longer the only thing. It’s soft and humming in the background, somehow transformed into something small and beatable.
And for the first time I have hope.
* * *
I didn’t get much sleep last night.
But I don’t feel tired. I feel like I’m plugged into the source of life Himself.
I don’t have a Bible, but I found an app.
So I spent most of the night reading. There was no order or reason, rather like a man who’s been starving for years and had a buffet before him.
I grabbed at everything, a verse here, a chapter there.
I wanted to pray. I’ve never felt so inadequate in my life, but something inside me just pressed forward. No matter how strange or broken the words came out, I know my heart reached toward Him…and that’s the whole point.
This morning, I feel different. Like, I have a purpose in life.
Like I have a firm foundation beneath my feet.
Grabbing my phone from the nightstand, there’s nothing from Avah.
Instead there’s a text from my brother.
You’re in Boston this weekend for the Bruins. Maddie will fly in. Let’s do a family lunch or dinner. Maddie wants to meet your wife.
I mentioned it to Avah, that it would be the ideal time to meet my family. Now I can only pray that I didn’t ruin it completely and that she still wants to.
I find EJ in the kitchen, hair still wet from his shower, making coffee.
“Listen, thanks for letting me crash last night,” I say, grabbing my keys off the counter where I left them last night. “But now I need to find Avah.”
EJ grins, lifting his phone off the counter and waving it at me. “She’s at the rink,” he says, pouring himself a mug of coffee.
“At the rink?” I frown, my mind immediately going to Boqvist. EJ must see it on my face because he chuckles.
“Some advice, Dec,” he says, leaning against the counter. “That man is not between you and her. Don’t put him there.”
I nod, letting his words set in. He’s right. Even though she kept the engagement ring, she told me she’s done with him, and that trumps everything else.
I take a breath, one that’s full and clean.
“Then I’ll go to the rink,” I say simply.