Chapter 9
BETH
" H ow about a fire tonight? I'd love some warm food. I’ve never been a fan of cold stuff. I'll eat it obviously, but with you here, it doesn't feel nearly as dangerous to have a luxury like warm food.”
I'm pushing my luck, and I know I am. Building a fire in the wilderness allows anyone to know exactly where you are and the dark shadows let them watch. They can wait for you to let down your guard.
"Not tonight," he says. "But I’m willing to negotiate for tomorrow when we stop for the night, we'll look for a place where we can have one. How's that?"
I try to push down my disappointment. It's not his fault. "Okay."
"You seem mad."
The tears that spring to my eyes are stupid.
I'm not even sure why it's affecting me this way.
We had warm food a few days ago, but for some reason this rejection hits deep.
"I'm not mad, I was just really looking forward to a hot meal now that we have extra supplies.
" It's hard to speak around the softball in my throat.
"I get it. We're living a hard life."
He goes quiet after that, and I stare out the windshield at the tree line, blinking hard and feeling ridiculous for getting emotional over something as small as a hot meal.
But it isn't really about the food, and some part of me knows that. It’s about how easy life used to be.
I took so much for granted before the fall of the world.
I’d had my life planned out. Within the next five years (which would be around right now), I’d meet a man, we’d fall in love, and settle down.
None of that has happened, but I’m thankful to have Knox with me right now.
The soft sound of him shifting in his seat pulls me back from my thoughts, and before I can make sense of what's happening, he's reached over and curled his hand around the back of my neck, drawing me toward him.
I don't resist. His mouth finds mine in the near dark.
It's warm and unhurried, tasting like a peppermint candy he had earlier.
He acts like we have all the time in the world even though we both know we don't. When he pulls back, his forehead drops against mine, and neither of us says anything for a long moment.
"Tomorrow night," he murmurs, his thumb brushing the side of my neck, "I'm going to find you the best campfire spot I can.
And we're going to eat something hot. I'll even look for water so we can wash off.
How's a bath sound?" Promises that probably won’t work out shouldn't be enough. But coming from him, somehow it is.
Like Heaven. I don't remember the last time I was able to wash off in something that wasn't just a bucket, or a washrag. "That sounds amazing. Thank you, Knox."
"No need to thank me. We're in this together."
And even those words bring tears to my eyes, because for so long I was in this all on my own. To know there's someone else to share the burden with? It makes the hardest times of our lives just a little bit easier.
I'm quiet for most of the rest of the day, lost completely in my thoughts. I don't even know why I'm taking this so badly. The stress of what we've been dealing with for years is catching up with me.
"I'm sorry that you didn't get what you wanted today," Knox says as we snuggle together in a sleeping bag.
He's got his arms wrapped tightly around me, and I hate to admit that I've never felt so safe in my entire life.
Not before Eruption, and sure as hell not after.
"It's okay, if there's anything I've learned, it's that we can only count on what we can count on.
It was a good idea, that wasn't meant to be. "
"Doesn't mean we can't still want it. I think that's where we're most dangerous." His deep voice moves the hair at my ear.
"What do you mean?"
"If we get to the point where we don't want better than what we have.
If we don't have hope, Beth, then we're fucked.
" He tucks his chin into my shoulder. "I've let a lot of things go since Eruption happened, and the aftermath.
A lot of what I hoped for my future, I gave up on.
I've been aimlessly wandering around for the past few years, trying to look for a place that might be mine. "
I run my fingertips over the back of his hand, making little hearts with my nails. "I've been looking for a place that's mine too. Once or twice I thought I may have found a community where I could make a spot for myself, but it never worked out."
"Why not?"
Having this type of conversation with Knox is foreign to me now.
I haven't had the privilege of talking about my wants since this all happened.
I'm not even sure I've been able to take a few minutes and daydream.
It was like as soon as that volcano erupted, a switch flipped and either you were a survivor, or you were collateral damage.
"Because there was always something about the place, whether it be the vibes, or my gut telling me not to stay. I was waiting for something."
"Maybe you were waiting for me." He drops a kiss on my shoulder.
"Maybe I was."
And right now, I can admit, at least to myself, I trust this man. More than I probably should. But when I close my eyes? My future is with him.