Chapter 17
Sierra was suddenly pulled from a deep sleep. She felt like someone was watching her and she froze, her heart racing. She opened her eyes and gazed into a pair like her own. Kaitlyn took a step back away from the bed where she’d been observing her.
Her brown eyes were wide and her face pale, making the freckles on her face stand out even more. She had her father’s skin color but otherwise, Kaitlyn mirrored how Sierra looked as a child.
Slowly, Sierra pushed herself into a seated position, watching her daughter turn her back on her and walk to a nearby small table and chairs.
She picked up her dolls and placed them in the chairs before she sat back down.
Sierra just observed, soaking in that her daughter was now in front of her, and not just in a photo.
“You’re in my playroom.” Kaitlyn declared, picking up her teacup and the plastic teapot to pour herself some tea.
Sierra pressed her lips together, noticing that Kaitlyn had angled herself to deliberately avoid looking at her.
She knew it must be a lot for her, seeing her mom this way.
Sierra understood she needed to go slow and be mindful of her approach.
“Yes, I know. I needed to take a nap too.”
“Why? Daddy and Marissa don’t take naps, and they said it is only meant for children.” Kaitlyn set the teacup near one of her dolls, pausing. “I don’t really believe that.” She scowled; Sierra smiled.
“My body doesn’t work like how it should and sometimes I get tired or don’t feel very well because I have to use a lot of effort and energy to get around for the day.
” Sierra shifted a little, smoothing out the blankets on her legs.
“Napping sometimes helps me to feel better and gives me more energy. Don’t you feel better after a nap? ”
She nodded, patted the hair on one of her dolls. “Is it because of the accident you are this way?”
Sierra shifted on the bed, this time in emotional discomfort. Flashes of the accident tore through her mind; she shrunk back on the bed, from the hurt and pain she caused herself and Kaitlyn. She wanted to run and hide, but she couldn’t.
“Yes, it is because of the accident.” She admitted, her voice low.
“You were hurt bad, and so was I. But I was little when it happened, that’s what Daddy told me.”
Sierra moved closer to the edge. “Yes, I was hurt and so were you. Do you remember anything from the car accident?”
Swaying her little arms, Kaitlyn nodded, whispering, “You were mad at me and Daddy, and I got hurt in the car.” She took another toy cup off the table and poured the imaginary tea into it.
Sierra shook her head, even though Kaitlyn was looking away. “I was angry, and I took it out on you and Daddy.”
That’s when Kaitlyn turned and lifted her soulful brown eyes to hers. “Why?”
“Mom—” Sierra swallowed that word. “I was not in a good place and I didn’t treat people nicely. I took something that was bad for me and it made me worse.” Pausing because Kaitlyn only stared. “Do you understand what I am saying?”
Kaitlyn shrugged and went back to playing with her tea set.
Sierra’s heartbeat kicked up, but she tried to stay calm. “It wasn’t anything you did to make me angry. I—”
“Then why did you yell at me if I wasn’t being bad?”
She stood up, her legs shaking, and took a cautious step toward Kaitlyn. Her daughter tensed at her sudden movement, so Sierra froze in place.
“It wasn’t anything you did, sweetheart, it was all me.
I was angry and hurt and selfish, and I was only thinking of myself.
I took my anger out on you both.” Her muscles were shaking, but she dared not move.
“Especially your father. I wanted him to hurt because I was hurting, and I should not have done that.”
Kaitlyn didn’t say anything, fiddling with one of the teacups.
Sierra took a breath. “I should never had taken you with me that night to get back at your father; it had nothing to do with you. Even though saying sorry isn’t enough, I am so sorry for hurting you and your father.
” Her eyes watered, tears blurring her daughter’s image.
“Is that why you are here, to say sorry?”
Sierra nodded, patting her eyes with her sleeve. “Yes, that is part of it but to also try and make amends to you and Daddy.”
She frowned, her tiny forehead scrunching in confusion. “What is amends?”
“Amends can be many things, but mostly you try and make it right with the person you hurt and show them how sorry you are.”
Kaitlyn nodded her head; she poked her tongue out at the side of her mouth, seemingly in thought. “Oh, kind of like when I took Cecilia’s crayon at Katie’s birthday party without asking and she cried. I felt bad.”
Sierra smiled through her tears; her daughter was sharp. “Yes, sort of like that.”
“She shared the crayon with me after that.” She gazed up at Sierra and smiled, looking cute with her one missing tooth.
As Kaitlyn shared her thoughts, Sierra unconsciously moved closer to her daughter.
She didn’t notice until Kaitlyn had to crane her neck back to look up.
Then she lowered her head and a curl fell into her eyes.
Not thinking, Sierra grazed her fingers across Kaitlyn’s forehead to move it and the girl let out a frightened wail.
Sierra flinched back, holding her hands as far from her daughter as possible. “I’m sorry Kait, I didn’t mean to touch you. I’m—”
Kaitlyn got up of her chair, putting distance between them and shouted. “Don’t touch me!”
What felt like shards of glass pierced her heart. The fright on her daughter’s face left her struggling to breathe, her heart racing. “I’m sorry, I should go.”
She turned toward the door, which swung open. Jacob stood there like an avenging angel; he shot Sierra a furious glare before his face softened when he looked at Kaitlyn.
“It’s okay, baby.” He strode past Sierra and gathered Kaitlyn in his arms, who was sobbing.
Sierra stepped away, reaching for her purse. “I will call a cab.”
“Yes, that sound like a good idea.” His voice was tight with emotion, and he kept his face aimed away from her. Picking her cane up, Sierra fought to see anything, her tears escaping. However, a quiet voice stopped her retreat.
“I don’t want you to touch me, but I don’t want you to go yet.”
Sierra wiped the tears from her cheeks, leaning on her cane as she turned toward them again. Jacob stared at Kaitlyn, concerned. “Kaitlyn, you don’t have to—”
“It’s okay, Daddy. Mommy says she wants to make amends, and I want to let her, just like Cecilia let me make amends.” She nodded her head, looking proud that she’d said a big word. Jacob lifted a confused look at Sierra.
“Something happened at a birthday party she attended.” As if that explained it all.
“Would you like to have tea with me and my friends?” Kaitlyn wiped the tears from her eyes and then used her arm to wipe her running nose.
She nodded, knowing that she would be in pain afterward. The chairs were low to the ground, and she would have to fold her legs a bit to get them close to the table.
“Yes, I would love to have tea with you.” Her heart swelled with hope that this could be something new with her daughter. Even though she was undeserving of the title, Kaitlyn even called her Mommy.
Jacob stood up and gave her a warning look; it wasn’t subtle, he didn’t want her getting any ideas. Kaitlyn took his hand and pointed at a nearby chair. “Daddy, help Mommy with her chair, please.” Then she walked to the other side of the table to her seat.
“At your service, madam.” He bent in an exaggerated bow and tickled her collarbone, making her laugh.
The sound of her laughter made Sierra smile.
Jacob pulled out her chair and offered a hand for support as she lowered herself to the seat.
A gasp escaped her when he picked up the chair with her in it and placed her closer to the table.
He then reached for one of the other chairs, pulling it out for himself.
“Daddy, you can’t sit there that is Jennifer’s chair. She is sitting in it.” Kaitlyn chastised him, her young voice adorable, pointing to her teddy bear.
“Can I sit over there?” Jacob gestured at the other chair on the far side of the table.
Kaitlyn rolled her eyes. “Don’t you see Beth sitting there?” They both glanced at the empty chair.
Then he smacked his head as if to say “what was he thinking” and Kaitlyn giggled. Sierra grinned at playfulness between father and daughter.
He then stood back and looked at the table, a questioning look gracing his features. “Where do you want Daddy to sit?”
“Sorry Daddy, but the table is full. We can have tea another day together, okay?”
Nodding, Jacob reached out and ran his hand through Kaitlyn’s curls. Then he leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Are you hungry?”
“Yes, but I just want to play a little first.” She reached out and gave him a sideways hug.
“Okay, I will have everything on the table when you are ready to eat. Don’t play too long, okay?”
Kaitlyn pushed her hands into his leg, wordlessly urging him to go. Her tiny, delicate hands then plucked up a teacup, poured some “tea” into it and handed it to Sierra. Sierra felt his eyes burning into the back of her head, but she ignored him, picking up the cup to take a sip.
The tea pouring continued and Kaitlyn chattered away at her friends. Sierra just sat there, taking in the moment, grateful for this additional chance.
Children were much more resilient than adults.
After some time, Kaitlyn looked at Sierra. “Does your face hurt like your leg?”
Sierra drew her fingers down the scar. “No, not anymore.”
“You should go to the hospital and see Kimber; she will make your leg all better, like she is helping me to get better.”
She almost reached across the table to take her daughter’s hand but cupped the teacup harder. She felt humbled that her daughter was concerning herself with her mother’s injuries.
“It’s okay, let’s worry about you getting better. My leg can wait.”
Kaitlyn nodded her head, then rolled the teacup between her tiny hands. “Mommy, what did Daddy do to make amends?”
Sierra frowned, confused. “Sorry, Kaitlyn, but what do you mean?”
“You said he hurt you before.” She turned her brown eyes to her in question.
“Oh.” Sierra shook her head, taken aback by Kaitlyn’s sharp insights. “No, Kaitlyn, not in that way. I wanted certain things from your dad that he couldn’t give me, and I took it out on him. It wasn’t his fault; it was all mine. You can’t force people to feel or do things.”
Kaitlyn frowned at her, looking far too much like her father; Sierra loved her more for it. “Don’t worry, as you get older, you will understand someday.”
The frown stayed steady for a moment longer before the young girl shrugged.
“But Daddy should make amends too?” It was Sierra’s turn to frown again in confusion; Kaitlyn didn’t seem to notice.
“He always says to me that when you hurt someone, you should always try and make them feel better and say sorry.”
“Yes, that is true, but he didn’t try to hurt me intentionally.”
“Oh okay.” She nodded her little head again. Picking up a plate, Kaitlyn offered it to Sierra. “Do you want a piece of cake before lunch? Don’t tell Daddy, he wouldn’t like that we are having a treat before we eat lunch.”
Sierra laughed being careful not to touch Kaitlyn as she took the piece of cake being offered by her daughter and Kaitlyn smiled back at her and giggled too.
Jacob stood outside the door, stunned by the sound of his daughter and ex-wife laughing.
What Kaitlyn had said was true. He always told her she needed to make it right and apologize when she hurts someone.
He owed Sierra an apology; no matter how justified he felt in his anger over their past, she hadn’t done anything in the present to hurt him.
She was here now, trying to help their daughter, and all he’d done was lash out and suspect her of harm.
He still didn’t know if he could trust her but for now, he intended to cut her some slack and be cordial, for their daughter’s sake.