Chapter 29 Rosalina
Rosalina
Where is he? Where is Kel? Nothing else matters.
Not the briars detangling from my body as I’m spat out into the snow.
Not the wind ripping through my skin, tearing at my hair, and pulling at the blanket wrapped around my shoulders.
Pain lances through my skin, this cold like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.
But who cares? Let the wind rip me to shreds or the cold turn me blue. As long as Keldarion is here, the elements can ravage me however they will. My body does not belong to me.
It is his.
See if you can find yourself. Will you try?
Whose voice is that, playing in my memory? Not Kel’s. It doesn’t matter. Nothing before this moment matters. The only one I must find is Kel.
My name is Rosalina O’Connell. I was born in Orca Cove. My father is George O’Connell. My mother is Anya O’Connell.
I shake my head. What are these useless thoughts? Keldarion is the only person I care about. I belong to him. Anything that once was doesn’t matter.
I like s’mores Pop-Tarts and Marigold’s blueberry pancakes. My favorite color is blue, and my favorite book is Pride and Prejudice—
No. I must find him. Blinking, I peer through the snow cutting a diagonal across my vision.
The sun is a gleaming orange line, soon to set.
Before me, a large tent made of animal skins is stretched over a tall pole.
The flap swooshes open, and a giant silhouette appears against the glow from within.
I know him even by his shadow.
“Keldarion,” I cry, lurching forward. The blanket cascades from my shoulders, and I fall, naked in the snow at his feet. Tears stream down my face as I stare up, so overwhelmed with peace at the sight of him.
He glowers down, his long, white hair flicking in the wind.
His beautiful mouth is set in a scowl. Despite wearing only a loose shirt and black leather trousers, he looks like a king.
My king. My god! What is grander than a god?
That is what he is to me. My world, my universe, my entire cosmos. I am but a gnat to his greatness.
I who am no one, who have no name. Only his belonging.
“Rosalina,” he growls.
Who? I look around, worried someone else is with us.
Keldarion yanks my wrist and pulls me into the tent.
I collapse on the floor. I need to touch him, need to feel his skin. “Keldarion, I belong to you.”
Keldarion closes the flap, then stomps over to me. Despite his immense height, the tent is steepled in such a way he can stand without his head grazing the top. I clamber to my knees, hands reaching for him—
He snatches my wrist. His lip curls in disgust. “You are not wanted here.”
My senses spring to life. First, I feel the ache in my body from the sudden temperature change.
It’s so warm in here compared to the freezing tundra outside.
The air smells faintly of peat. A small fire burns in a stone-lined pit at the center, its flame casting an orange glow over everything.
The smoke drifts lazily upward toward a vent at the peak of the tent.
I run my hand across the soft fur beneath me.
The ground is covered in thick pelts. There’s a cot in the corner layered with woven blankets.
Then I notice I’m completely naked. Kel is still scowling at me like I’m some sort of pariah. I cover my breasts with my arms and tuck up my legs. “Well, so much for a warm reception. Could you pass me something to wear, please?”
Kel mutters what could be a curse or could just be a plain old growl, then storms over to a bag at the base of the cot. A white shirt and pair of woolen trousers get chucked haphazardly at my head.
I shrug them on and stand. “Hello to you too.”
“Would you like to explain yourself?” He turns to me. “Here I was thinking you and Caspian were trying to help the war effort. Instead, I see once again, he is good for one thing and one thing only. Sabotage.”
A flood of anger rushes through me. I fix my face in a matching glower.
“You asked me to meet you here tonight. Told me it was important to you. Caspian spent all day working with your uncle to clear paths for Irahn’s scouts.
It was this”—I gesture to myself—“or not make it at all. And here I was, naive as always, thinking you might be happy to see me!”
He crosses his arms. Goddamn him, dressed in firelight, he looks like a warrior prince.
His hair falls in wavy lines down his face, dark brows lowered, and there’s a smattering of stubble across his jaw.
“I thought Ezryn could keep you two in line. I see he’s no more responsible than Dayton or Farron. ”
I roll my eyes in the most exaggerated manner I can muster. “Unlike you, Ez, Dayton, and Farron have some capacity for change.”
Kel barks a laugh. “Then why are you here, Rosalina? You have three mates who will bend to whatever soft word you sing in their ear. You obviously prefer their company. Prefer the company of a man who’s earned your forgiveness with a few smooth lines and a charming smile despite the fact that he would see you on your knees before him if he had the chance. ”
I press my palms into my eyes. “Oh my god, Kel. I’m not having this fight with you again.”
“This isn’t a fight,” he says. “It’s merely truth. Just because you refuse to face it doesn’t make it any less true.”
My anger gives way to defeat, and I stalk away from him to the tent flap.
Pulling it back slightly, I look out, truly able to take it in with my own eyes this time.
A flat, icy tundra stretches before us, the sunset like a gleaming ribbon across the horizon.
Other tents of a similar style dot the surrounding area.
A herd of reindeer mills nearby. The wind is so strong, I quickly close the flap.
“I don’t know what to say to you anymore, Kel.
You won’t break your curse. That’s your choice.
I get it. But it’s my choice to be with Caspian or not. You accept it or you don’t.”
“I accept it because it doesn’t matter what you do with Caspian. It will always deliver you here to me. Where I can keep you safe.”
“So what is this?” I turn to hold his gaze. “Is this only about the mate bond, or do I factor in here at all?”
“What?” His voice is a gruff whisper.
A rush of emotion avalanches over me, feelings I’ve long been able to bury because there were always so many other things to worry about.
Things like life and death and war. Things like Farron and Ezryn and Dayton and Cas.
But these feelings have lived within me since the first time I saw Kel’s blue gaze staring back at me in the prison cell at Castletree.
“Do you care for me at all?” I whisper, voice breaking. “Or is this only about the mate bond? Are you worried about me because I’m your mate or because I’m me?”
Kel doesn’t answer, face stony, eyes unblinking.
I wring my hands together, unable to look at him anymore.
“I never questioned it with the others. Farron reminded me who I was. Ezryn saw me for more than my trauma. Dayton knew I could be brave. But you?” I make myself look up.
“To you…I’ve always been a burden. Sure, there’ve been times when we can stand each other, but I’ve always been more trouble than I’m worth to you, haven’t I, Kel? ”
His mouth opens, but no words come out.
“It’s okay,” I murmur. “I always kind of knew it. Ever since the beginning. I know our bond makes us feel protective over each other. I feel that from you, Kel, I do. But it doesn’t make us friends.
It doesn’t make us…l-lo—” The word gets stuck in my throat, and I realize tears are springing to my eyes.
Because I didn’t want this to be the truth. I always imagined there would be a time when everything else would fade away and Kel would see me. Beyond the mate bonds and bargains and curses. A woman he chose not because he had to but because he wanted to.
Because damn it if I wouldn’t choose him every lifetime.
“You…do not see us as friends,” he says lowly, wide eyes drifting to the fire. “Do not think we…”
“How can I?” I breathe. “The only interactions we’ve had lately have been screaming at each other. I get it. You tolerate me. It seems like the only times you pay attention to me are when I’m making a decision you disagree with—”
“You write with your right hand but eat with your fork in your left hand.” His words are clipped, so low I can barely hear them.
“What?”
He looks up at me, and I realize his lips are quivering.
“There’s a curl at the back of your head that always stands straight up, no matter how much Marigold tries to smooth it down.
” He takes a shaky step toward me. “You make wishes on falling stars when you don’t think anyone’s listening.
You hum to yourself. Constantly. You dog-ear pages in books, which Farron hates, by the way, but he’ll never tell you.
But I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you, Rose, that I hated it when you didn’t dry off after leaving the hot springs, because you left drips all down the hallway, and it made it slippery.
I hate that you take one bite of something and then put it back on the communal platter.
Why can’t you finish it or take it to your own plate? ”
A choked laugh escapes me. “Sometimes I only want a taste—”
He takes another step, towering over me.
My breath catches in my throat. “I hate that you got all the staff reading and now I’m tripping over books everywhere at Castletree.
I hate that I can’t take a sip of fyrana without becoming entirely intoxicated with thoughts of you.
” He steps closer until we’re chest to chest. Firelight flickers across his face.
“I hate that I am so overwhelmed with jealousy at all times, not because I don’t want you to be with anyone else but because I am so envious that they get to be with you without worry, without hesitation, without wondering what amount of pleasure will send you shooting from their arms.”
“Kel—” I whisper, but he cuts me off.
“I hate that you don’t think of me as your friend.
” Now, his voice cracks, and he raises his hand as if to touch my face but drops it.
“And it’s my fault. Because I can travel down to the depths of the Below, protect your father with my life, and condemn my entire realm for you, but I can’t laugh with you.
Can’t share stories or a lingering morning in bed.
Not like they can. Not even like he can.
” The word isn’t said with venom but pain, a bone-deep pain.
“Because you terrify me like no force has ever terrified me, Rose. If I have you, I lose you. And if I lose you, I will cease to be.”
I’m shaking, I realize. Slowly, I reach up to touch his face. It’s wet with tears. My name escapes his lips, a crack of sound like lightning, then he sinks to his knees, wringing his hands in my shirt.
“Forgive me, Rose.” He buries his head in my stomach. “For making you question yourself. I know I’m not your friend, but you’re mine. The best one I’ve ever had.”
“All this,” I whisper, “this protectiveness…the refusal to break the curse. This isn’t just because of the way the mate bond makes you feel?”
His fingers knot tighter in my shirt, and his eyes are like moonlight off a frozen lake. “No mate bond could reach the depths of how I feel for you.”
I wish I could quell the quake in my voice. “Then what is this, Kel?”
He rises to his feet. Pressed against him, I feel smaller than I ever have, his powerful chest and height practically engulfing me.
There are galaxies in his eyes; I lost myself in them long ago.
He says each word like a story, and it is the one we’ve lived together.
“This is love, Rosalina. I love you. This isn’t just the tie of the mate bond.
This is loving you, one slip in your puddles at a time.
Loving you each time I trip over an opened book.
Loving you with every bread roll thrown and every half-eaten pastry I accidentally grab.
I love you so damned much, Rosalina, I’m frozen by it.
And if that’s made you think I only tolerate you, then I will spend the rest of my life seeking your forgiveness for it.
Because it has been the joy of my life to slip in your puddles.
To unfold your dog-eared pages. To be the one you throw things at. ”
“Kel,” I whisper, “I don’t understand.”
“I love you, Rosalina. What more is there to any of it? I love you. I am imprisoned by my love for you. May it be my undoing.”
I stare into those galaxies and see myself reflecting back. Not who I am now but who I was. The girl in the cave, so uncertain and sick with love for him. Am I uncertain now?
No.
Because Kel has always been my eternity. Even when he’s been so stubborn, I want to scream. He was my first love. One that settled in my bones and never left.
I reach up, stroking his hair back, pressing my body closer to him. My voice is raspy with tears. “But, Kel, this love…it’s so heavy.”
“I know.” He wraps me in his arms, and I burrow my head in the crook of his neck. “I know, Rose. I’m sorry.”
Kel and I stay like that until long after the sun sets beneath the horizon. I don’t let him go, because at least in this tiny way, my love is strong enough to fend off the curse.
I know there are no answers for us yet. Kel was right earlier. There are some truths we have to face. Love alone can’t break his bargain or his curse.
But I’m stronger than I was when I was in that cave.
I can carry this love for as long as I have to.