Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
HUDSON
The ending notes of “Valerie” echo through the arena as I exit the men’s locker room and begin up the tunnel to the ice. When the music dies, there are a few moments of silence before the next song starts up.
My players have practice later this afternoon, but we just finished our morning film session—I hung back after dismissing them to work on the playbook.
I have a little while before I need to be back here for practice, so I planned to head home for lunch, but when I realize Nat’s performance music was playing, I head out to the rink instead, hoping I can catch her.
She’s been a little distant recently, opting to stay at her own house more often than with Ellie and me.
She hasn’t had the same interest in spending time with us outside of sex either.
Well, at least not with me. I know she and Ellie can be more public about their relationship, and Ellie hasn’t expressed any of the same concerns, so I imagine they’re spending time together outside of the house still.
Even in bed, she’s not the same—not as lively or loud, not demanding what she wants and taking it. She’s been pliant, almost detached.
I worried I may have upset her with my reaction last week after Garrett and I walked in on them, but when we sat down to talk about it, she insisted she was fine. She apologized, stating she didn’t realize it would be so inappropriate, that it wouldn’t happen again. Yet, she remained distant.
I figured she’s been nervous about her upcoming performance at Nationals and has been hyper focused on preparing.
I know she’s been spending almost every free moment she can on the ice, and I’ll be in this position in the next few weeks myself if the team continues playing at the caliber they have been.
These high-stakes competitions are nerve-racking and all-consuming, so I understand.
I wish she’d be more open with me about it, though. I wish I could show her I can help.
Hoping to do just that, I push through the thick doors to the rink itself, finding Nat untying her skates on one of the benches behind the boards. She doesn’t notice me until I slide down beside her—she lifts her head, blinking at me with surprised doe eyes.
The only two people in here are another skater, who’s currently on the ice, and Nat’s coach, who’s focused on the other athlete, but I still keep enough distance to avoid suspicion.
“Hey.” I smile. “I heard your music from the locker room. Thought I’d come check on you.”
“I’m good,” she says, turning back to her feet. Her cheeks are still flushed, breath still heavy from the exertion of her routine. “I just finished. I have class in a bit.”
“How are you feeling, though?”
She slips her foot out of her skate before looking up at me. “About my routine?”
“About everything.”
She swallows, and her eyes go distant before she turns away again, packing her skates in her bag. “I feel good about my routine and the competition.”
“Okay…” On instinct, I extend my arm before snatching it back, my eyes darting around the room to ensure nobody else saw. Fuck. I want to touch her. “What are you not okay about?”
She sighs, shaking her head. I wait for a response she doesn’t provide.
“Is it Ellie?” I ask. “Is something happening between you two? You can…you can talk to me if it is.”
She abruptly sits up straight, her ponytail swaying over a shoulder with her movement. A deep furrow sets in her brows, her lips flattening into a frown. “Nothing is happening with Ellie,” she snaps. “She and I are fine. We’re all fine.”
“I don’t want you to be fine. I want you to be happy.”
She softens at that. She doesn’t smile, but her mouth relaxes, and, rather than a frustrated dip at the center of her forehead, it now bunches in concern before her eyes cast downward.
An incessant, gnawing ache erupts in my stomach, rippling through my being and becoming caught in my throat as my pulse ticks up.
“Is that what it is, kitten?” I whisper. “I’m not making you happy?”
She turns her head as if she can’t bear to look at me, tearing through the center of my chest, splitting it open. I know my girls are young and playful. I know they have their whole lives ahead of them. I know I may not be their future, but fuck…they’ve started to feel like mine.
I’m not sure I’m ready to face a reality where they aren’t.
“I can’t talk about this here,” she whispers, voice breaking on the words.
She stands, feathering her fingers over her cheeks before she picks up her bag and tosses it over her shoulder. Only now do I realize she’s crying. Only now do I realize I may be losing her.
“Natalia,” I rasp as she walks past me, and the desperation in my voice must come out as raw as I intended, because she pauses. “We need to talk about this. I’m not letting it go.” I’m not letting you go. “Not unless you look me in the face and tell me you’re done with me.”
She peeks over her shoulder, deep brown eyes meeting mine. A slight shake of her head is the only response she offers, but for now, it’s enough.
I nod. “Tonight then. After classes, after practice. I want you in my bed when I get home, and we’re going to talk it out. Okay?”
She studies me for what feels like forever, like she’s marking every feature of mine, like she’s reading a book in a language she doesn’t know.
Finally, she nods back before continuing toward the exit and disappearing from my sight.
***
It’s dark when I slip through the front door hours later, only a faint glow illuminating from the upper landing. Ellie has a study group this evening, and she won’t be home yet, but I’d hoped Nat would be here anyway.
I’m beginning to think it’s far too quiet to expect her as I climb the stairs, but when I reach my bedroom and find her in the center of my king bed, enveloped in my pillows, a book in her lap, I let out a sigh of relief.
Her eyes flutter upward, meeting mine. She’s wearing one of my T-shirts and nothing else, and my cock hardens at the sight of it, my heart hammering in my chest.
Because she’s here. In my bed. In my clothes. I haven’t lost her yet.
“Hi,” she says softly.
The smile that springs to my cheeks is embarrassingly wide, but I can’t help it. “I’m happy you’re here.”
“Me too.” Her tone is timid—so unlike her. “Should we…um, should we wait for Ellie?”
“I don’t know.” I pull off my hoodie and toss it on the floor along with my jeans before getting into bed beside her.
I don’t touch her, not like I want to. I also haven’t eaten dinner, and I need a shower, but none of those things feel more important than understanding Nat right now. “You tell me.”
She’s pensive, nibbling on her bottom lip for a moment before finally shaking her head.
“So it’s not Ellie then,” I confirm. “It’s me.”
She sighs. “No, Hudson. Not in the way you’re thinking.”
“Help me understand, kitten.”
She shuffles beneath the blankets, turning to face me. “You know Ellie better. You saw her first.” She picks at nails, eyes locked on her hands. “Am I just…an accessory?”
“No, Nat.” The words rush out of my mouth, full of conviction. Full of pain. “What have I done to ever make you feel that way?”
“Nothing.” She shakes her head. “I think it’s me. I didn’t feel this way before… Not until…not until that day in your office.”
“Because I punished you?” I ask softly. “You know you can always tell me to stop, right? You can always say no.”
“I liked it.” She sits up on her knees, the blankets falling away, revealing miles of smooth, golden skin. “The sex was good. The punishment was good. It was…it was what you said before. About me having a fantasy.”
I nod, willing her to go on.
“I realized you may be right, and I haven’t been able to let it go. I think there might be something wrong with me, that maybe…maybe, I need more. I wonder if the reason why is because I’m not enough for you, not enough for myself.”
“You’re enough.” I grab her face, bringing our foreheads together. “You’re enough for me. For her. You’re perfect for us.”
Her eyes flutter closed as she exhales against my lips.
“What do you mean by more, Nat? You want to date other people?”
She shakes her head, and I’m trembling with relief.
“No. I don’t want to be with anyone else. Falling…” She breathes deeply. “Falling in love with both of you is terrifying enough. I just mean…sometimes…physically…” She swallows, as if she’s searching for the words within herself. “Not always, but in some moments, I want…”
“More,” I answer for her.
She nods against me.
“Men? Women? Both?”
“Not women,” she says quickly. “Ellie is…everything. She’s perfect, so submissive, but sometimes, I want to be… I want that. I want that with men. More than one.”
I slide one hand down her cheek and neck until it’s hovering over her chest. Her heart pounds against my palm, and when she opens her eyes, they’re blazing, boring through me. Anticipation and fear and emotion war within them, like she’s already hanging on every word I say.
“I want this,” I say, pressing against her chest, over her heart.
“I don’t want to share it with anyone other than El, but if I need to share your body, I can do that.
I want you to feel good in every sense of the word.
I want to give you the world, whatever you want inside of it.
So long as we’re safe and everyone is comfortable, I’ll give you whatever you want, Natalia. ”
“Really?” she whispers. “You don’t hate me for this?”
“You have an insatiable appetite, baby, but I don’t blame you for it. I just want to make sure I get you fed.”
A slow smile spreads across her beautiful face before she grips the back of my neck and feathers her lips between mine, kissing me hard.
“And Natalia,” I rasp into her mouth.
She hums.
“I’m falling in love with you too. Both of you. Together, at the same time.” She freezes, but I continue kissing her between words. “I saw you. I’ve always seen you.”
She pulls back, staring at me with wide, shocked eyes. They're huge and sparkling and molten, like pools of chocolate, and I’m drowning in them. Drowning in her. I don’t know how she could ever believe I wouldn’t be.
“Next time you feel unsure, let me know so I can remind you.”
She blinks rapidly, emotion glistening in her gaze, before she smiles and nods, kissing me again.