CHAPTER 16
Claire
“Well? Do you want to talk about it? You haven’t said a word since we left,” Audrey asks me as I help clean up her room. And by “help,” I mean I’m picking up her clothes from the floor and folding her laundry while she relaxes on the bed.
We got back from Harvey’s a few hours ago.
I can’t believe I kissed him. I made him cheat on his girlfriend. I’m seriously no better than my dad.
I’m not proud of myself.
Yet. Yet I can’t stop thinking about our kiss.
It’s like my mind has completely eradicated the brutal words he threw my way afterward, and all I can focus on is the beauty of our kiss. Of our lips colliding together, his hand on my jaw, his musky scent.
I’ve never been kissed like that or felt something more powerful during a kiss.
“No, Audrey, I’m fine.”
“You don’t seem fine.”
I stare at my sister, who looks sad for me. I don’t want her worrying about me or telling on me. Somehow I don’t want my mom to know about my actions. I don’t think she’d be too happy, given what she’s been through herself.
I clear my throat, giving her little crumbs, knowing she might pester me all week if I don’t. “I like him, okay? There, I said it. But he has a girlfriend, like you said.”
She nods. “Yeah, I’m often right.”
I can’t stop my laughter. “How was your call with Dylan ?”
“Oh, you know, I made him suffer for as long as I could. He wants me back, but I said, ‘Nah, thanks, I’m good.’”
“Good for you, Audrey.” Some days I wish I were strong like her. I usually am, though lately I’ve been feeling all over the place emotionally.
“Thanks. You and Harvey…you’d make a cute couple, you know. I can see it. You make him happy.”
I swallow, hanging a few of her hoodies up.
I look up, holding back the tears before I turn around to face Audrey again. “Yes, well, perhaps in another life.”
She snorts. “I don’t think he’ll wait that long. I saw the way he looks at you—it’s always in the eyes, Claire.”
“Even if that were true, it doesn’t matter until he’s single.”
“Good point.” She’s texting as she says this. “Laura says hi. You know, we should do this more often—clean my room together.”
I sigh because she didn’t contribute in any way, shape, or form, like always. I might not be helping her by doing things for her, but she’s my baby sister, and I love her, and I want to take care of her.
That night, my mom finds me in the kitchen while I’m making tea.
“You can’t sleep?” she asks softly.
I shake my head. “Long day.”
She nods. “Audrey texted me about Dylan. I met him recently after school—I’m glad that’s over.”
“Mom! Why didn’t you say anything to her?”
She shrugs, holding on to her satin robe. “She had to figure it out herself.”
“I don’t get how you do it sometimes…let people be.”
“You do it too, Claire. As soon as you realize that the majority of things and people’s choices are out of your control, the easier it gets.”
I nod, unconvinced. “Maybe.” I wish I could let Harvey be. Perhaps I even am, in my own way. But really, deep down, I want to scream in his face to make up his mind because I actually like the guy.
Maybe even more than like him.
“Were you the same way with Dad?”
“I was different back then. I wanted answers, reassurance, so I tried controlling him to ensure he didn’t leave.” I wait for her to say more as I sip my tea. “I couldn’t control the fact that your dad was a serial cheater, and I learned that the things truly meant for us tend not to leave us.”
I think of Harvey and Gemma. And Harvey and me.
I swallow. “Do you think he’s a bad person for cheating?”
“Your dad has his flaws, Claire, but nothing matters more to me than how he treats you girls.” She shakes her head, a smile on her face. “He was a terrible husband—to me at least.”
I don’t say anything, but she already knows. I’m sure she sees it in my face, in my eyes.
“Time reveals everything, my love.” She kisses my cheek and wishes me good night.
I love her for not pressing me on this.
My mom is my world. She’s amazing. And I want to be like her. I don’t want her to think I’m like my dad, because I’m not!
I know I kissed Harvey, but…
I shake my head, burying my face in my hands, knowing I can’t excuse my kissing him.
Even though I more than enjoyed it.
I can’t excuse it—it wasn’t right.
And I don’t know how I’m supposed to text Gemma back or even face her in the mornings from now on.
Perhaps we can be villains and heroes in different people’s stories, depending on their perception of us. Perhaps in this story, in Gemma’s eyes, I’ll always be the villain.
The wait is killing me. All I know is that I can’t wait until Monday to figure out this dilemma. Which is why I’m heading to Harvey’s now—to apologize.
I’m freezing when I get out of my car and walk to the front door. My hands are shaking.
Just do it, Claire!
I stand tall as I ring the doorbell. The sight that greets me destroys me. When Harvey opens the door, he looks like he hasn’t slept in months. His face looks sullen and devastatingly sad.
“What do you want, Claire?”
I swallow, realizing he might’ve been completely honest with me when he told me off yesterday.
“I wanted to apologize again.”
He chuckles, palming his face with one hand before he shakes his head. “And you thought you’d do that by coming over on the weekend when Gemma’s home too?”
“Your…your van wasn’t here. I checked before.”
He sighs, leaving the door open for me to step in out of the horrid cold. He wheels to the living room as I remove my boots and coat before following him to the couch.
I join him there, on the other end of it.
He eyes my white bodysuit tucked into light jeans with a curiosity that should not be in a taken person’s eyes.
“If you’re here because you’re thinking of quitting, you can’t,” he says in a monotone voice.
I stare at him, his audacity an insult. “I might not be able to keep working with you—”
“Yes, you can,” he interrupts me. “You’ve been doing it, and you’ll keep doing it.”
“It’s not the same! I like you now, you know that.”
I see his Adam’s apple move as he gazes ahead at the turned-off TV. He seems hurt and heartbroken, and somehow I don’t think I’m the perpetrator.
“And what do you think I feel? You think I go around kissing other girls because it’s not working out with Gemma?” He huffs. “I clearly like you too.”
“You do?” I can hear my heart swell and sing a lovely melody in this moment. It shouldn’t, but I can’t help it.
“Of course I do, silly, but that doesn’t mean liking someone trumps loving someone.”
Oh my God, my heart.
And just like that, sorrow merges with the joy I felt, seeping deep into the marrow of my bones. Perhaps I’ve underestimated my crush on him.
I’m playing with my nails when Harvey leans closer and simply grabs my hand, urging me to stop.
“Don’t quit on me, please .”
“That’s not a fair thing to say.” I’m not quitting on him. I worked hard to figure out a good training program that can help him down the road.
He has to know that.
The next thing I know, he pulls harder on my hand, and I end up in his lap. He has his hands on both sides of my neck, then in my hair, as he kisses me like I’m the world and he’s the flame waiting to burn it all down.
My body doesn’t hesitate. It absolutely craves his touch and his warmth and his lips.
My hands roam all over, then through his blond hair as I kiss him with even more intensity than last night.
I moan when he grabs my ass and squeezes hard.
I’m melting all over. The heat is flooding me, and even if this is nothing but lust, I don’t want this feeling to ever stop—morals be damned.
He grabs my jaw again with one hand—just when I thought I couldn’t need this man any more.
I pull on his hair before I tilt his head up, kissing his jawline and his neck. His guttural moan echoes in my ears, forming goose bumps on my arms.
It’s like reaching for the stars and finally reaching the destination.
It’s an intense, euphoric feeling, and I don’t want to be rid of it anytime soon.
We kiss again, and I know that my lips will feel bruised later.
Until he curses and stops.
And I know why. It’s written all over his face—the guilt.
“Fuck.” His head hangs low, and he closes his eyes before opening them again.
We’re both out of breath from our passionate embrace, and the last thing I wanted was for him to stop.
“I hope you’re not going to keep feeding me bit by bit so I keep holding on.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t tell you what any of this means, Claire.” He strokes my cheek with his forefinger. “But I need time to figure it out.”
I get off his lap and chuckle lightly, feeling like a complete idiot for throwing myself at him. Well, technically, he came on to me, but it doesn’t matter. I didn’t stop it.
“Alright…”
“Claire.” He swallows. “I will hate myself if I keep hurting her like this. I need…to think things through.”
I’m crushed, even though I have no right to be. This man isn’t mine—he wasn’t from the second I laid eyes on him and saw something I liked.
I sigh and sit back down on the couch next to him. “What happened with Gemma?”
“I told her that we kissed, and we got into a huge fight.”
I have no idea how I’m going to face her again.
“That’s understandable.”
Guilt washes through my veins in that moment, for hurting an innocent woman.
“Yeah, it is, except my gut keeps telling me that she’s not mad at me about that. She just wants an excuse to cheat on me herself.” He exhales.
I don’t reply as I get up, knowing I need to leave before I end up kissing him again. God, I would love to be able to sit on his lap and kiss him all day long.
If Gemma’s cheating on him, she’s missing out on a hell of a man.
Sure, he might be moody and depressed at times, but that’s because he’s angry at the world and hasn’t dealt with his trauma.
“Hey…” Harv wheels himself over to me as I put on my coat. “It was nice meeting your sister yesterday, and…I’m sorry about the things I said to you. I know I’m at fault here. I was just…mad at myself.” He scratches the back of his head.
I never expected him to apologize. Especially since I’m not entirely without blame. Here I am, chasing a taken man.
“It’s okay. I’m really sorry too.”
And with that, I leave.
And I feel worse. All I can hope is that he won’t keep stringing me along and he’ll give me an answer soon because both my career and my heart depend on it.
Stupid girl. Why did I have to go and fall for him?