CHAPTER 18
Harvey
Today’s Sunday, and I’m chilling with Henrik, yet I can’t shake off the mess that I’ve created in the span of two days.
Gemma hasn’t come home since.
She didn’t even bring back our van for me to go to my PT appointment yesterday. Hen had to come and get me, and his car isn’t as practical for me.
Either way, the fact that Henrik told me that he called her to see if she was coming to my appointment and it didn’t ring a bell for her was a pretty significant slap in the face.
My mom wasn’t impressed either, since my parents pitched in more financially than Gemma’s dad for the van, with the understanding that it would be used for my disabled needs and appointments.
Anyway, maybe she forgot. Maybe she did it on purpose.
My melancholy must’ve shown, since even McKleen asked me if I was okay during my session. He also delivered the amazing news that, because of my progress, he thinks I’ll be able to walk with or without crutches sooner than expected.
“What’s wrong?” Hen asks as we game in my room, gulping down burgers and fries.
“Nothing.” I shrug, not wanting to talk about it.
I feel horrible. It feels hard to breathe properly, peacefully. The shame is all-consuming because I can’t stop thinking about Claire while I’m wondering if Gemma will leave me.
“Clearly not. Spill. Is it because I told Claire to back off?”
I stare at him. “You shouldn’t have done that. It’s not your place, and she hadn’t done anything wrong.”
“Hadn’t? Meaning she has now?”
I shake my head, focusing intently on the screen. “None of this is her fault.”
“Okay.” My brother pauses the game. “What the fuck did you do?”
“Claire and I kissed. I told Gemma. She hasn’t been home since.”
“Can you blame her?”
“No, no, I can’t.” I don’t like where this is heading at all. He’s going to make me admit things, as Hen often does, and I’m not in the mood to be berated by him.
“Not many girls would’ve stuck around, Harv. I know you know that.”
I sigh. “I know that. I can’t explain it. Gemma loved the man I used to be, but I don’t think she even likes who I am now. Claire does.”
Henrik weaves a hand through his hair, propping an elbow on his leg as he turns to me. “Brother…you can be the man you once were. It might just require a few changes—”
“That’s what nobody gets! That’s where you’re wrong . I’ll never be the man I used to be. He’s long gone.”
“Alright, Harvey, chill. You have to own up to what you did.”
“I’m not disputing that,” I agree with him. “I know I’ve hurt Gemma, and trust me, it’s the last thing I want to do.”
“But…” He grabs the rest of his burger and finishes it in one bite.
“Claire, with her…” I can’t even finish my sentence. I’m not sure how to put it into words.
“Bro.” He shakes his head, sighing. “I knew Claire was gonna come in and fuck things up. I had a bad feeling about this.”
“It doesn’t feel bad though,” I whisper, filled with guilt.
“Nonsense. It’s just her tits. Give Gemma some time and talk to her. I’m sure she’ll forgive you.”
He doesn’t get it.
I shouldn’t be surprised. I knew he’d have Gemma’s back as they’re all close friends—he, Gemma, and her sister, Gia. I don’t have the guts to tell him that she might be cheating on me too. I know how much he cares for her, and I don’t want to be the one responsible for ruining his image of her.
I hand him my fries, then we finish gaming in silence.
And somehow I feel even lonelier than I did before I told him.
I’m on edge on Monday.
I haven’t spoken to Gemma since Friday. And she’s been away doing God knows what . My brain had the entire weekend to come up with likely scenarios in my head, and none of them were good.
Sometimes I feel like she takes me for an idiot, as if I wouldn’t notice the distance between us. It’s not as if it was created overnight. It was there before I even kissed Claire!
Seriously, where the hell has she been?
I really hope she was at Gia’s.
I’m reminded again of my additional kisses with Claire on Saturday, but my ego pushes those thoughts away.
I pull on a white T-shirt and wheel myself to the kitchen when I see Gemma near the front door in a tight black dress, barely acceptable for work.
She looks exhausted.
So, for a second, I wonder if maybe I’m imagining this whole cheating scenario to justify my own betrayal.
How can this woman who once loved me so much be the cause of so much of my heartache now?
She stops in her tracks when she notices me, and we gaze into each other’s eyes with a million questions between us.
Full of frustration and questions, yet never any answers.
She puts on her coat and boots while I stare at her. Then she grabs her purse, ready to leave in silence, with nothing to say to me at all.
I can’t fucking take this silence anymore.
I can’t take this—us !
I’m going to lose my fucking mind, I swear to God, because trying to solve a problem with Gemma is like trying to prevent the next war.
“Did you fuck him yet?”
I’m done beating around the bush. I want answers. I deserve answers.
I don’t feel bad about the look of pity she gives me, as if I should cut her some slack. I don’t know what I’ll do if she answers yes to my question. I’m angry enough to destroy this entire house without batting an eye.
“What?”
Seriously? She’s just going to pretend?
Alright, Gemma.
“I’m talking about your boss.”
I know the answer when she drops her purse and comes closer to me, saying angrily, “How dare you ask me that after what you’re doing with Claire!”
I laugh with every malicious bone in my body.
This treacherous woman.
At least have the balls to say it to my face.
“I saw your drawings of Claire, you know.”
I stop laughing. It’s as if she stabbed me in the heart. I can’t handle the look on her face. I go from wanting to destroy something to wanting to save her from the hardships we’re going through.
“You what?”
She picks up her purse again while I’m frozen in place, knowing that my drawing Claire looks horrible.
It was all innocent at first—catching a few glimpses of hope and sunshine and magic, which Claire radiates—until I realized that it would destroy the person I was meant to love.
“And to answer your question… not yet .”
I freeze.
No. No, no, no.
I’m half the man I’ve been trying to be lately. And of that half, I’m half angry, half dying of melancholy from the words that just came out of her mouth.
Don’t fuck him, please! We can fix this.
“Gemma.”
“Don’t. You’ve given me nothing, nothing , for years, Harvey. God…how many times did I throw myself at you, kneel for you…did I beg you to love me, to touch me, to kiss me? Anything. I would’ve taken anything , even an inch from you. Anything better than the black hole you sent my way.”
I couldn’t… I barely had anything left of myself… I never did any of this purposefully!
She surprises me when she takes off her boots. At first, I think she’ll come back to me, that she’ll tell me we can work this out. But instead, she walks to her bedroom.
I follow her desperately, watching her grab a bag and pack some of her stuff.
“What’re you doing?”
I know she’s packing, I can imagine why , but I need the confirmation that she’s leaving me for good.
A part of me hates myself in this moment for starting this fight. Maybe she’s right and all of this is my fault. But a part of me couldn’t keep this all in. I had to know if she was cheating on me too.
“I’m leaving. I need space.” When she faces me and utters her next words, I feel every part of me reaching its breaking point. “I need a break.”
It’s hard to breathe.
“You’re leaving me?”
I can’t believe this. I should’ve kept my fucking mouth shut!
You fucking idiot, Harv.
Look at what you’ve done.
I’m breathing as loud as a fiery dragon now. Trying to contain my beating heart, hammering inside my chest, the pulse of my wrist resonating in my ears, the heat coursing all through my upper body.
She nods.
She just fucking nods .
We’re done. She’s leaving me.
She’s. Leaving. Me.
I knew she’d leave me one day! She promised she’d never leave. She’s broken all her promises—couldn’t keep a single one of them.
“I can’t believe you’d cheat on me,” I whisper. Despite her denial, I know she did. “And you think I wouldn’t realize it? Fuck, Gemma! You think I wouldn’t realize that you went from being the quiet, sad girl to being happier, livelier? Think I wouldn’t realize that you started wearing sexier work clothes? That you always work overtime? That you smell like men’s cologne ? That you got back on a fucking bike after all these years, when you promised ! You promised me.” My voice cracks. It breaks.
I break inside.
It’s as if she thinks I’m the only one to blame.
“It didn’t change anything, now did it? Didn’t make you put in more effort and try to have an actual relationship with me…” She grabs her bag, and I wheel to the front door as I follow her, watching her put on her boots, replaying her words in my mind. “And what about Claire?”
“I didn’t sleep with her!”
Guilt hits me right in the chest when she laughs, and I remember Claire straddling me this weekend.
Fuck. I’m doing the same thing. I’m no better!
“You love her! I know you do, Harv. At least admit that.”
I’m completely dumbfounded and shocked by her statement. I like Claire, but do I love her? I don’t fucking know…
I see Gemma’s piercing green eyes full of anger when I look back at her and realize I didn’t deny it.
“Gemma!”
She slams the door in my face.
Gemma, please don’t leave me.
I lay my forehead against the cold door, shaking my head. Anything to make sure I don’t destroy this house—because every fiber of my being is begging me to.
My mind is exploding with thoughts of Gemma cheating on me, laughing and flirting with her boss, sucking him off. And maybe even worse—a future without her here in this home.
It won’t be a home without her anymore.
I can’t believe she left me.
I always knew she would.
It was just a matter of time.