CHAPTER 24
Harvey
I haven’t slept since Monday.
On Wednesday, Claire arrives in black scrubs, and I push myself during training today despite my lack of sleep.
“You haven’t read to me in a while,” I tell her once I’m freshly showered and we’re both sitting on the couch.
“I know,” she murmurs in a voice that makes me think she might’ve missed it too. “I think we know it’s best to keep our distance, that’s all.” She clears her throat.
“It’s just reading, Claire. I don’t think that was part of the problem.”
I miss listening to her voice. I miss catching glimpses of her face as she reads, committing every feature to memory to draw later on.
“Well, alright.” She fetches the book from her bag and settles on the couch again with her knees bent.
I shut my eyes, exhausted, yet eager to get my fill of Claire’s voice—the perfect melody to lull me to sleep. When we reach Beth’s death in the story, and Claire’s tone slowly turns melancholic, my eyes fly open right away, noticing the tears leaking down her face.
“Come here,” I whisper, unable to stop myself.
“Harvey, we can’t.”
“Please, Claire.” I swallow, knowing she’s right, knowing I’m being an idiot again, but also knowing I can’t stop myself.
When she finally comes and sits on the couch next to me, she flips open the book again to keep reading as I wipe away one of her tears with my forefinger.
“Harvey,” she croaks. “What are you doing to me? You don’t play fair…”
I chuckle. “I know, and for that I’m terribly sorry. Don’t be sad, Claire.”
“I’m fine.” She looks up as she dries her face with her hands. “I just can’t ever imagine losing Audrey like that.”
I nod, knowing how she feels. My brother means everything to me. “You don’t need to fear it. Audrey’s strong, and she’s okay. She’s probably at school right now bashing Dylan 2.0.”
“I know she is.” Claire laughs, and the sound resonates through me as if it’s the only thing keeping me afloat in this crazy mess of a life I’ve created. “Though there were a few hospital visits due to infections where I wasn’t sure if she’d make it.”
“I’m sorry your family had to go through that,” I say sincerely.
I want to grab her hand and kiss it and kiss her cheek and her lips and do so much more with her than reading, but I settle for that instead.
For the intimacy of this moment, of having her close to me once more.
I keep wiping her tears away as she reads and I listen to the story, surprisingly eager at this point to see how it all ends.
Claire reads well into the late afternoon, when she suggests we get some fresh air.
We barely speak, rather we keep our eyes on the trees farther ahead in the backyard. We’re in our winter coats, sitting on wood logs on the deck, my chair close by. It’s taking a toll for me to sit up straight, and I know I won’t be able to for much longer.
“I love having you here,” I whisper. Guilt crushes my chest when I feel like all is right in the world again.
She shakes her head. “And I love being with you, you must know that. But none of that matters if you’re back with Gemma.”
“I thought you understood after our last talk.”
“Harvey.” She turns her head to look at me. “I want you to keep your word. That’s what matters to me. If you can’t leave her, then please just let me know.”
I swallow. “I already told you, I’m doing the best I can. She wanted to reduce your hours, and I refused.”
“And I appreciate that,” she says before she sighs. “But I can’t keep doing this.”
“This isn’t easy for me. It’s hard and painful. I know what I have to do, I just can’t seem to do it,” I say, hoping she’ll understand.
“You know what…” She lets out a small laugh and shakes her head.
“I asked you for time… It’s been one day! I need you to let me sort this mess out, without hurting her.”
“Without hurting her… What about me? You keep tossing me to the side the second she’s interested in you again, and then you miss me and you want me too.”
“I know. I’m so sorry, Claire, please!” I take her hand, but she pulls it away and stands up. “You think I’m not torn? You think I enjoy this?” She’s walking on the deck as I try to talk to her, desperate. “Claire, listen to me.”
“No, you lied to me,” she says, then lower, much lower, she whispers, “At least it feels like you did. It’s like you say whatever you think I want to hear.”
I didn’t lie to her. I meant every word I said yesterday. But I’m so confused.
I realize she’s crying, and I’m shattered by her tears. A part of me wants to call her irrational for saying I’m lying, yet deep down, I know that my actions have caused these insecurities in her in the first place.
“I want you—no, please, Claire. Babe, listen to me.” I’ve never called her babe before, and it feels so right. This woman feels right in my arms and in my life. “I want you,” I continue. “You must know I do.”
She stops pacing and turns to face me. “Maybe she’s right. Maybe I shouldn’t work with you anymore.”
“No. Don’t say that— don’t say that.”
We’ve talked about this before, but this time is different. I can feel a shift in her demeanor. She’s sick of the push-pull.
“Then why stay with her? You can’t have both of us. I won’t have it.”
I bite my lip, looking up at the sky, hoping it might provide the answers to my troubles. I got into this mess all on my own, and clearly, I’ll have to get myself out of it.
There’s no other way out but through the pain. And that’s exactly why I couldn’t be there for Gemma. I couldn’t see her pain through mine.
I don’t want to utter the words on my mind, yet I know I must. I have to help Claire understand why I’m so conflicted about leaving Gemma.
“Because I need her. I can’t explain it. I just do. She just… She was there for me through it all, you know?”
“I know she was. I know that…” She nods. “I really do. I’m just trying to make you see the other side of things. You scoff at Jo March’s romantic behavior, yet—”
“Jo? Jo?” I snicker as she refers to a fictional character. “This isn’t some stupid book, Claire. This is my life!”
“Of course I know that! But we can learn a thing or two from books. What if Jo had stayed with Laurie because she felt bad for him? What would you think then?”
“Well”—I think it through—“it wouldn’t be so bad. He’d been there for her since they met…”
“I know.” She sighs, agreeing with me. “But deep down, that resentment might grow, and they might’ve bickered a lot.”
“Yeah, maybe—probably, yeah. But at least they’d be loyal to each other.”
“No, don’t pretend, Harvey! You haven’t been loyal to Gemma for a while, and you know it.”
A chuckle escapes my lips.
She’s not wrong.
“I do get it, Harv. I get how she was there for you…”
I don’t think you do.
“Honestly, Claire…without Gemma, I don’t think I would’ve survived.”
I let the truth simmer between us, and I can see the moment that everything registers in Claire’s mind.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know it was that bad after the accident.” She swallows. “I didn’t know that you felt that way.”
“To be fair”—I snicker—“neither did she. But while everybody else moved on with their lives and expected me to do the same, Gemma never left. She stuck with me in ways I can’t explain.” I shake my head, clearing my throat. “And I don’t know how I’m supposed to just…ditch her now.”
Claire sits back down on the wood log next to me, grabbing my hand, my expression no doubt full of pain.
I go for the whole truth.
“You must know that I love her. I love Gemma, Claire.” I cover my mouth with my hand, feeling my upper body tremble.
“Harvey—”
“No, wait,” I say, needing to get everything off my chest. “I love her, but not in the way I should.” That’s why I said what I said yesterday. “It’s nothing compared to how I feel about you…”
She grabs my face between her beautiful hands and whispers my name. “I already know that you love her, silly. I never expected you to stop so suddenly.”
I’m glad she realizes how confused I am. I’m glad she didn’t push me to open up and share my conflicted feelings.
I look away, hoping to regain my composure. “I’m not sure how long I need. Not months…just, I don’t know, time.”
She drops her hands and nods, and we remain silent for quite a while.
Time, time, time.
We stay outside, holding each other’s hands. It’s the last thing I should be doing, considering the promise I made to Gemma. Yet here I am, repeating the same mistakes over and over again to be close to Claire.
I’m not proud of this.
No matter if Gemma’s making mistakes of her own, I know that this will hurt her as well.
And as easy as it is to admit while I’m mad and thinking she deserves it, it’s not so easy when I’m calm and thinking clearly. I don’t want to hurt anybody, that’s the problem. But my indecisiveness is hurting them both, so I must decide.
“Let’s go in. I’m getting cold, and I’ll head out for the day.” Claire releases my hand and waits for me to transfer into my wheelchair.
Once inside, I remove my winter coat before Claire signals me into the kitchen.
“Gemma left you a note.” She hands it to me, and for a second, my heart drops. Gemma’s writing scribbled on the notepad says that she’s going to New York for a few days and that I should enjoy my alone time with Claire.
She probably saw us outside.
I check the time and realize she was home earlier than usual.
I head to her room and notice that her suitcase isn’t there and neither is she.
She’s gone.
I know Claire’s watching my erratic movements with dread, but I can’t help myself. I take out my phone and call Gemma, silently begging her to pick up.
I don’t even wait for her to say hello. “What do you mean you’re going to New York? Why?”
“For work.”
“Oh, okay. Well, why didn’t you tell me?” Claire tells me that she’s leaving and she’ll see me tomorrow, but I put my finger up, hoping she’ll wait.
“I was going to tell you tonight, but then I saw you two all cozied up together outside.”
I hear Claire’s retreating steps.
“Do you have time to come back? Gemma, please. It’s not what you think.”
It’s exactly what you think.
I just don’t know how to break it to you.
“Is she still there?”
“What?” Where is she heading with this? Of course she’s here. She knows her hours. “Yes, but—”
“You begged me.” She sounds heartbroken. From the sound of Gemma’s voice, it’s obvious there’s still love for me there. “Why did you want another chance? Is this a game to you?”
“No, of course not! Gemma, I’m so sorry you keep getting caught up in this mess. I swear I’ll—”
I’m about to tell her that I’ll clear everything up when she gets back, but then it hits me that she’s going to New York with her boss, most likely just the two of them.
“I’ll see you when I get back. Goodbye, Harv.”
Jealousy courses through my veins. “No, no, no. Wait! Don’t sleep with him.”
“It’s too late for that.”
I’m shocked.
I can’t speak.
Claire comes back, and I’m sure it’s obvious from the look on my face that I’ve just received horrible news.
“What?” I don’t even realize the word slipped out of my mouth.
She cheated on me with her boss.
She dropped me into someone else’s lap so she could go fuck her boss.
I feel sick to my stomach.
I think I’m going to throw up.
“Harvey—” Gemma says, her voice dripping with guilt and honey.
I hang up.
I don’t even move for a minute.
It might seem like I’m frozen, maybe I am. But my insides are boiling. My mind is piecing together all the little white lies that have piled up. My heart is broken, and the scar from the accident feels like it’s bleeding and gushing drops of dark blood.
“Harv, what’s wrong?”
My gaze fixes on Claire. Claire, who I keep pushing away, even when she’s done nothing but be good to me and good for me.
I chuckle. “I was right. She fucked her boss.”
Disbelief enters her eyes. “How did your conversation about New York end up with her telling you that?” She repositions her purse on her shoulder. “Oh, Harvey…I’m really sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
She doesn’t seem convinced. Thank God she doesn’t press me—the last thing I want is for her to have heard me ask Gemma not to sleep with her boss.
Claire takes a few steps toward me. “Will you be okay by yourself until tomorrow morning? Maybe you should spend the night with Henrik.”
I shake my head, feeling the pressure of my hand squeezing my phone so tightly. The last thing I want is to spend time with anyone right now.
Even Claire.
Because my hurt ass will hurt her.
“I’ll be fine, Claire. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She can see it and sense it. The change in me just now.
How much I care about Gemma and her fucking lies and truths, even though I don’t even want to at this point.
What am I holding on to?
“Okay. If you need anything, please text me.” Claire gives me a small smile, and then she looks as if she’s about to say something else, but stops herself.
Instead, she leaves.
Screw Gemma and that job of hers.
The fury inside of me is killing me. I’m so angry and sad, and fuck, I feel defeated.
Because we failed each other.
I get my phone and text her.
Harvey: HOW COULD YOU?!??
That treacherous woman!
I know I cheated on her with Claire too, but I would’ve never slept with her, no matter how much my dick wanted it.
How can she do this to me?
I let out a pained noise, like a broken beast who’s never felt loved. Then my breathing changes, my heart rate accelerates, and I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack.
I take deep breaths to try to calm myself down, but instead I surrender to the mental despair as the weight of Gemma’s reveal fully hits me.