CHAPTER 36
Claire
I made up my mind. I’m quitting.
Unless I stop seeing Harvey, I won’t be able to let him go and accept that I must wait for him to choose me.
It’s getting harder by the day.
A part of me knows I’ll probably regret it once I think it through rationally, but in this moment, it seems to be the only choice there is to make.
I head over to Harvey’s in black leggings and a matching hoodie, stepping out of my car with my letter of resignation tucked inside my purse.
Not even the warm spring weather can lift my mood.
I’m done shedding tears though, so I’m assuming that’s a good thing, that I’m on to the next stage of heartbreak, which is making sure it doesn’t happen again.
I keep questioning myself, wondering if I’m overreacting to this whole situation or not, which is why I must act now.
I didn’t even message him last week nor this week to tell him I’d be missing work. I was so out of it, and if our romantic relationship didn’t fully confirm how much we’ve crossed the professional line, my taking a week off without notifying him most certainly did.
I left all of Harvey’s texts unanswered as well.
Save for when my parents divorced, I don’t think I’ve ever felt melancholy this deeply in my entire life.
A blessing, truly, as it doesn’t feel good at all.
I’m about to knock on the door when Henrik swings it open. I usually use the key I was given during the week, but given the circumstances, I’d rather not.
He steps outside and closes the door behind him, and I know he’s about to give me another lecture.
“How can I help?” he asks casually.
I don’t have the energy for this—not today.
“I’m coming in to work…”
“Oh, how nice of you—after a week and a half of no-show .” His eyebrows pinch together as if there’s a mystery to this whole thing.
“I had my reasons. I need to speak to Harvey.”
“Give me one reason why.” Each syllable of his is laced with a veiled threat.
I sigh and reach down to fetch the letter out of my purse. “My one-month notice.”
He snorts. “You can’t quit.”
I’m taken aback by his response. I thought he’d be thrilled. “Henrik, you’ve wanted me to quit since day one.”
“So I was being Judgy McNelly. What can I say?”
“I can’t keep working for Harvey,” I tell him. “Things are too complicated now.”
He takes a step closer. “Let me get this straight.” He rips my letter in two, and I watch, shocked, as he shoves the pieces into his pocket. “You ruined their relationship, and now you’re willing to ruin his progress too?”
I swallow. “That’s not fair, and you know it.”
“He. Needs. You.”
“He keeps breaking my heart—I can’t .”
He sighs and folds his arms. “Listen, it’s not that complicated. You two love each other. He just needs time.”
I don’t know what to say. I wonder if Harvey told his brother that he loved me, or if Henrik deduced that one by himself. Either way, it pleases me.
Hope awakens in my body for the first time in a while.
“It’s Wednesday, Claire. Take the rest of the week off. Come back on Monday. Give Harvey some space until then. I won’t tell him you stopped by.”
I back away, trying to think it through.
Who would’ve thought making a single decision would be so hard?
“I’ll see.” And with that, I turn on my heel to leave.
“Claire.” I freeze, recognizing Harvey’s voice. When I turn around, Harv is in his wheelchair behind Henrik, who’s sporting a clenched jaw.
“Um, hi,” I reply shyly.
“Come in. I need to talk to you.” Harvey’s brow shoots up at his brother in question, and I head inside, clearing my throat.
I follow Harvey to his bedroom, and he closes the door.
“What’s going on?” he asks.
I shrug, trying to find the courage to tell him. It was so easy when I thought about it and put in on paper. But now, with Harvey in front of me, the task feels nearly impossible.
“How have you been? I texted you.” His tone sounds accusatory, and I know he’s not going to handle the news well.
“I came to give you my notice. I…gave it to Henrik.”
“You’re quitting—”
“Yes,” I interject, knowing I need to stand my ground.
His jaw ticks, and he looks away, his hurt eyes cutting me to the core. “Not this again.”
“I never meant to go back and forth with my employment, Harv. I never meant to fall in love with you, okay? None of this was supposed to happen.”
I sit on his bed when he wheels closer to me, taking my face between his hands, and by God, the gesture is enough to release the load of stress from my shoulders. It calms me and makes me think I can get through anything as long as I have him by my side.
“Claire, listen to me. I’m so sorry for not telling Gemma to fuck off.”
I shake my head. “That’s not what I wanted you to do.”
“But it’s what I should’ve done.” He looks deep into my eyes, and I’m a pile of mush ready to fall at his feet. But I stay still, processing his apology. “It was my mistake.” He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear, causing goose bumps to rise on my arms. “I wanted us to go slow, then we had sex…”
“So that was a mistake too?”
“No.” He chuckles, shaking his head. “You have no idea how much I’ve been wanting to fuck you.”
I blush and swallow, staring him straight in the eye. He has a little smirk on his face, then he smiles. How can I quit now? How can I let go of this man until he’s ready to have me? How many excuses and chances will I make for him?
“I missed you a lot,” he says softly.
“I missed you too, Harv.” I sigh. “But I can’t keep doing this…”
He lets go of me, and I sense his irritation brewing. “So that’s it? You’re just going to give up on us? You knew I needed time, and you agreed to give it to me.”
“And I did.” But then I fell for you even more, and I had sex with you. “This week has been the worst.” My voice cracks, and I clear my throat before I continue. “And I thought about it, and I need to do this. I can’t keep waiting around. I don’t know how long you’ll need before you’re over Gemma. You texted her that you loved her, Harvey… And that’s fine. You already told me that you did, but you probably texted her that as a way to try to reconcile.”
“Absolutely not!” He looks up, scratching his jaw. “I even told you I don’t want her back. And I don’t love her the way you’re imagining it.”
“But you still do!” I exclaim, sighing and shaking my head. “And we can’t start a relationship this way—with you loving another woman.”
“So you’re essentially breaking up with me.” He chuckles darkly.
“You were never mine to begin with. I wished it with all my might. But so many parts of you belong to her in so many ways, and that Saturday proved that to me.”
“Claire, please don’t. I can’t say goodbye to you,” he chokes out.
“Hopefully it won’t be forever.”
He looks at me, anger looming in his beautiful blue eyes. I could stare into those eyes all day and never get lost.
“Claire…”
“I have to go.” I stand, knowing he’ll be able to change my mind within seconds. I’m a weakling for this man, a sucker for him and his wants and needs.
I need to think about me for once.
This is something I should’ve done from the very beginning. Maybe then he’d still be with her.
“It has truly been an honor meeting you, Harvey.” I lean down and kiss his cheek, closing my eyes. And with that, I turn and leave the love of my life.
A part of me wishes he’d stop me, beg me to stay.
Another part of me hopes he’ll let me go.
This whole thing with Harvey and Gemma and me has been a roller-coaster ride, and I need to make sense of it all.
Henrik eyes me when I pass him in the hallway, but thankfully he doesn’t say anything. I’m sure the tears in my eyes are enough of a deterrent to keep him quiet.
I leave all the PT equipment behind for now, so Harvey can keep practicing with it. I’ll need to officially end my contract with the rehabilitation center first, then I’ll come back for it.
Hopefully by then, I’ll be in a much better place mentally.
I hang on to that hope so strongly that this time when I step outside, the sun is enough to illuminate parts of my old self again.
And I smile through the tears as I drive home listening to my favorite songs and singing along.
“Where’s Audrey?” I ask my mom that evening while we’re eating dinner.
“She went to see a movie with friends.”
“That’s nice,” I remark. It’s my first time eating dinner with my mom since the whole ordeal with Gemma.
“How are you feeling, darling?”
I shrug, staring at my food. I still barely have an appetite. “I’m doing better. I quit today—for good this time.”
She sets her fork down on her plate full of pasta. “Oh, Claire…that must’ve been a hard decision.”
“It was pretty impulsive actually,” I admit, “but it’s for the best.”
“You deserve to be happy, honey.”
“Oh, but he did…make me happy, Mom. He made me so happy at times.”
She smiles and eats, then she says, “Then there’s nothing that says he won’t keep making you happy in the future.”
I look down. “I hope so.”
I’m hanging on to that flame of hope.
“Did you think about it? How a future with him would be?”
I arch a brow, wondering if she means what I think she does. “You mean because he’s disabled?” She nods. “Well, of course. I’m a nurse. I know what it entails. Besides, he might have a much different ability level down the line.”
“That’s all that matters, then—that you’ve thought about it.”
She doesn’t say more, and I know my mom. She’s not one to judge, but my tears and gloomy days since I met Harvey don’t necessarily weigh in his favor. Plus, he fell for me while being in a relationship—a clear no-no for my mom, understandably.
Audrey met him, so she knows how he is and acts around me. My mom has yet to meet him. And she may never.
God, I need to stop fantasizing about a future that may never be and craving a man that still wants his ex.
It’s seriously shameful. I need to stop.
And start living my life for myself again.