Chapter 23 #3
“I know,” I admit, biting my bottom lip.
Dad and I have always been so close. Our bond formed in our shared love of skiing and grew even deeper when I started racing on the World Cup circuit because he was the one who moved to Europe with me, while Mom stayed home with Beau because he was just starting high school.
But this last week and a half has really put a wedge in our father-daughter relationship, and I don’t know how we’ll ever come back from it.
Mom hugs her knees to her chest, her petite size making her seem almost childlike. “He doesn’t understand how you’ve managed to lose everything you worked so hard for.” She leaves off the “again,” but I feel it hanging there at the end of her sentence just the same.
“Me either, Mom. I guess I never should have let Nate back into my life.” I was brutally honest with my parents about what had happened with Nate—if photos are going to surface at some point, I wanted them to prepare them that the possibility exists.
They were understandably frustrated that I’d lied to them about my relationship with Marco, but surprisingly understanding about what had happened with Nate.
Or at least, I thought they were at the time.
But Dad’s been mostly avoiding me since.
I’m not sure if it’s because I got back together with Nate in the first place, or because he’s disappointed in how I allowed myself to blur personal and professional lines. Probably both.
“Are you sure that letting him back in is where you went wrong with all this?”
I just stare at her, narrowing my eyes as I try to work out what she’s saying. Or not saying. At this point I’m not even sure what we’re talking about anymore.
“Are you suggesting that I went wrong before letting Nate back into my life, or after?” I ask as I pull a pillow over and hug it to my chest, like it’s armor that might protect me from whatever she’s going to say.
My mom is known for being honest, and usually for being right.
Somehow, she has always had the ability to help me see things I couldn’t see before.
“I’m not sure,” she says, pulling the blanket around her legs like a cocoon.
“But when you told us the story of what happened, the only time you sounded like you were actually okay was when you were with Nate. Otherwise you sounded miserable, like you were faking your way through your own life. With Nate, things sounded real—real happiness and now real heartache.”
“I was happy,” I admit. “And crazy enough to think this time it could last. And then he left.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Are you asking if he really left?” I watched the recap of his race yesterday in Bormio, so yeah, I know he really left and I’m not sure what my mom is getting at.
“What I mean is, are you sure he’s the one who left this time?”
I mean sure, I was the one who left him in Big Sky. I told him I’d talk to him after I’d met with TJ, but by that time he was already back in Europe, having left without telling me. Or was he waiting to tell me when I called him? Was he just giving me the time I’d asked for to deal with this?
Clearly able to see the wheels turning in my head, my mom grabs her mug off the table and takes a sip while she watches me think this through.
“I did leave him in Big Sky,” I tell her. “But I told him I’d let him know how my conversation with TJ went, and by then TJ had told me he was already on a plane back to Europe. Mom, he left me. Again.”
“Have you heard his side of the story?” she asks, her voice kind but probing.
“No, have you?”
“Of course not. But there are always two sides to every story—as you should well know by now—and maybe hearing his would clear a few things up. Or maybe it wouldn’t, and you’d be right where you are now.
But at least you’d know for sure. Not talking to Nate when things like this happen has never solved anything. ”
She’s right, I know. But my pride is so hurt that the thought of being the one to call him is a bitter pill to swallow. He should have called to tell me he was going to Europe, like I told him I was going back to Park City before I left Big Sky.
“Maybe,” I tell her, then take another sip of my tea.
“Maybe you guys can talk when he’s here for New Year’s Eve?”
“Nate’s coming here for New Year’s Eve?” My voice is practically a scream.
“I’m not supposed to know about that,” she tells me with a wink. “But from what I understand he’s the guest of honor at the ski team’s gala fundraiser.”
The New Year’s Eve gala is new since Nate and I were on the Blackstone ski racing team in high school, and I’ve only ever attended one—the year after my accident when I was home with my parents for the holidays during my grad school Christmas vacation.
That year, I was the guest of honor. It’s a cozy affair held in the lodge, which the ski team decorates with thousands of strands of twinkle lights.
Tickets are stupid expensive for what the event actually is, but the adults all pay it and dress up and enjoy the night because the money supports the mountain’s race team, so it’s for a good cause.
“He’ll be here in three days?” I clarify.
“Maybe even sooner. I think they have a big meeting the day after tomorrow.”
Oh, so it’s about whatever deal he’s got going on with the board. The one he wouldn’t tell me about—or couldn’t tell me about. There is a difference, I realize, even though it didn’t feel like there was a difference when I first learned about the secret negotiations.
I consider again what that deal might entail.
Probably some sort of real estate development that he’ll own and manage.
It’s a smart plan, but I can’t help but wonder what Blackstone is getting out of the deal.
Maybe financial relief? I know they’ve been struggling for years since they have to make more and more snow each year as the winter temperatures rise.
“Okay, I’ll think about that.”
“Please do,” my mom says. “You two need to talk, and it’ll be better if you do it in person.”
We finish our tea and Mom decides to take a nap, so she heads to her bedroom while I clean up our cups. I’m in the kitchen when my phone buzzes with a text.
Sierra
You need to listen to this voice mail Nate left me.
There’s an audio file attached to the message.
The pain is instant, my heart cracking open and the hurt pouring out.
He left my best friend a voice mail, but he can’t be bothered to call me—the woman he said he was willing to drop everything for because nothing he wanted to accomplish in life was worth it if I wasn’t by his side?
What a load of crap, I think to myself. He obviously never meant it.
Jackson
He called you???
Sierra
I called him first. Left him a VM reaming him out for what he did, demanding to know why he hurt you again. You obviously haven’t listened to his reply, so DO THAT NOW.
I turn the volume down on my phone so I don’t disturb my mom, then tap Play on the audio file. Nate’s deep voice floods the small kitchen.
Are you for fucking real, Sierra? Jackson left ME, not the other way around.
She left me in Big Sky after telling me that she didn’t want me to go back to Park City to be there with her when she talked to TJ about what had happened.
And right before she left, I saw a notification on her phone from Annie Dilmont at Danforth setting up an interview.
So not only did she leave me, she lied to me for weeks not telling me she was applying for a job at Danforth.
And after she left, she never called or texted.
Not to tell me she got home safely, or to tell me about her conversation with TJ—which she said she’d do—or to come clean about Danforth.
I had to find out she resigned her position from Matt.
It’s been two weeks and she STILL hasn’t called or texted.
Not for Christmas, or to tell me what she’s doing.
She’s made it abundantly clear that this whole relationship is as one-sided as it ever was and that she still doesn’t know how to be honest with me.
So yeah, I’m done. But not because that’s what I wanted.
Because that’s what SHE wanted. And Jackson always gets her way.
The line goes dead there, and my head is spinning so fast that I have to grip the edges of the soapstone countertops to hold myself steady.
What. The. Hell?
I think through everything that happened, trying to see it from his point of view.
And I can see what he’s saying about me leaving him in Big Sky.
It’s like my mom suggested. Though, in the voice mail he did omit the fact that he left and went to Europe.
That’s probably what that call from Matt was about, right as I was leaving Big Sky.
Maybe Matt insisted he get his ass back to Europe or lose his spot on the team?
Maybe he was going to tell me as soon as I called him, but then I never did?
And dammit, that email notification. Why did he have to see it?
Why didn’t I tell him sooner . . . any of the times that I thought about telling him.
If I had, it might have made a huge difference.
Shit.
Double shit.
I have screwed this up beyond belief, but hopefully not beyond repair.
I grab my phone off the counter and head back to my bedroom. There’s one thing I have been putting off, and I think I need to do it before I can figure out what steps I need to take to fix the mess I’ve created.