Chapter 21 #3
Her words make me realize that Aleksandr still hasn’t told me what happened that night, why he pushed me away so abruptly.
Why haven’t I asked him about that? He has definitely said that he had feelings for me then, so why did he end things like he did?
Suddenly that information feels so crucial to understanding my own feelings, to knowing whether we can ever have something meaningful and lasting.
“So,” she continues, “do you feel differently about him now than you did back then? Or is this just you finally getting what you wanted?”
I consider what she’s asking as I fold another shirt. “It’s hard to separate how I felt back then and how I feel now. It feels like I’ve always loved him, but yes, what I feel now is different than what I felt back then.”
“How so?” Her question feels like a test where I need to prove to her and to myself that I’ve grown up.
“Back then, my feelings for him were based on two things, need and want. Like he was the one person who was always there for me when I needed him, and I loved him unequivocally in return. I was also stupidly attracted to him, and I wanted him to feel the same way about me.”
“How is that different now?”
“Now, I guess . . .” I pause to think this through before speaking. “Now I don’t need him in my life. In fact, in most ways, my life is easier without him in it. Yet I still want him. Not just sexually, but I actually want his company. I enjoy spending time with him.”
“I feel like love is a lot stronger when you want someone without needing them,” Sierra says.
“Please explain.” I like this phrase Aleksandr used the other night, and I think I’m going to employ it often.
“Well,” she says slowly before pausing. “When you love someone because you need them, it’s hard to tell what that love is based on—is it really love or is it codependency?
But when you love someone that you don’t need in your life, when you’re already whole and you love someone because they make you happier, better, more fulfilled—that’s a much stronger kind of love. ”
I sit on my ottoman next to my almost-full suitcase.
Was the love I felt for him back then based on codependency?
A lot of times it felt like we were all each other had.
Sure, he had his father and a ton of friends, but Niko was already away at college.
I had my emotionally distant dad and basically no friends.
Aleksandr wasn’t just my person, he was my only person.
Was the love I felt for him related to needing him in my life and being thankful he was there?
“I feel like I want to know him better, to understand him more, to know what makes him who he is now.”
“You don’t feel like you know who he is now?” Sierra asks this question like she’s considering her words carefully.
“I do know who he is now, in all the important ways. I know that he’s a great surrogate father to Stella, a loyal brother who’d do anything for his family, a dedicated teammate.
He’s a good man. Do I love who he is now?
Yes. But do I know enough about his past to know how he’ll act in the future?
To understand what makes him tick? What makes him act and react how he does? No.”
“It’s okay to love him and still feel like you need to know him better before you can commit, you know?” Her words are the assurance I need about the conflicted feelings I’m having.
“I know. But I don’t know where to go from here.”
“Yes, you do,” Sierra says. “You need more time to get to know him, to learn about all those years you were separated, to understand him. You need time to build up that trust you lost when he walked out on you before.”
“Yeah, but . . .” Time feels like the one commodity we don’t have.
“Relationships take time and constant work, Petra,” she assures me, “even with me and Beau. Yeah, we started out as an explosion and I took a huge leap, leaving my job to follow him after only a few weeks, but we didn’t stop working on our relationship then and we haven’t stopped yet.
We’re still getting to know each other, figuring out how to argue without fighting, how to work through big, scary feelings without pushing each other away, and loving each other despite our flaws.
It’s work, and it’s always going to be work, but it’s worth it. ”
In every relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve felt like I was the only one doing the work.
But for the first time, I feel like maybe we could be in this together—equally, as partners.
We’ve only ever talked about our marriage from the perspective of him adopting Stella.
Even though I know we both have real feelings for each other, we’ve never talked about what happens after he adopts her.
Does he still want to get divorced and go on his way, or does he want this to last?
I take a deep breath, because before I talk to him about what he wants, what he sees in our future, I need to figure out what I want. Could I really settle down with one person? Am I ready to be a mom? Can I put my heart on the line, loving not only Aleksandr but also Stella?
This relationship is the antithesis of everything I’ve ever wanted, but somehow it still feels like it could be exactly right just the same.