Chapter 24 #2
“Really?” He continues running his finger over my clit featherlight, and it doesn’t hurt at all. It’s so gentle and loving, and I’m so keyed up and it’s bringing on another kind of orgasm.
“No.” The word is a whisper as it escapes my lips, and in the window I watch the reflection of his face.
He’s all concentration right now. His eyebrows dip low as he focuses on bringing me even more pleasure, but the tight pull of his lips between his teeth lets me know how hard he’s working to control his own orgasm.
He slows down, his hips meeting mine with less speed, but he drives even deeper into me, if that’s possible. As his finger works its magic, my legs start to shake, and he wraps his other arm around my waist, holding me to him. “I’ve got you.”
Within seconds my entire body is tensing up, my back arches, and I feel him swell inside me as he can’t hold his own orgasm back any longer.
“Yes Petra, now,” he growls into my ear.
It’s as if his words trigger the breaking of the dam, and heat floods through me as my white-hot release triggers a full-body orgasm.
I feel him pulsing against my inner walls as he pumps his release into me, but it’s the words spilling out of his mouth that turn me on the most.
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. It’s always been you, love. Always, only you.”
My orgasm hits me full-force with those words, and I may or may not scream in agreement, I really can’t be sure because suddenly there are tears leaking out of my eyes and it’s like I’ve lost control of all my emotions.
I’ve never felt this way about anyone but him, either.
Nothing in my life has come close—the ease I feel around him when we hang out, the undercurrent of sexual tension that has me constantly wanting to rip my clothes off and offer myself up to him, the trust we’re building slowly but surely. I could get used to this.
“Hey,” he says softly, his cheek pressed against mine as he holds me against him. “What are these tears about?”
“I’m just . . .” I search for the words. “Overcome with feelings is all. Nothing bad.”
“You have feelings?” he jokes, and it’s exactly the mood lightener I need. We laugh together.
“I assure you, it comes as a shock to both of us.” I turn my head and kiss him on the cheek.
“Let’s get us cleaned up,” he says as he pulls out of me. “I’ll get the shower going.”
“Sasha, I can’t have shower sex right now.”
“Who said anything about sex? But I do want those lips on my dick as soon as possible.” He has the freaking nerve to smirk at me.
“Always the romantic,” I say, rolling my eyes, even though the thought of being on my knees in front of him, taking him in my mouth with water raining down on us, actually does turn me on. Again. Already.
“It’s been weeks since I’ve had your mouth on me, and I just gave you three orgasms,” he reminds me. “A man has needs too, you know.”
“A girl could get used to this treatment,” I say as he hands me a plate with half a bagel and an egg, and sets a glass with a smoothie in front of me.
He’s packed it full of raw spinach in an attempt to get more iron in me.
The iron supplement sitting next to it already gives me plenty, but I appreciate the effort. “Do you really have to leave?”
He takes a seat across from me. “You know I’d stay if I could, right?”
“I feel a little guilty that I’ve taken you away from Stella this weekend.”
“Don’t. I was supposed to be away this weekend for Game 6. Raina was already planning to stay at my place, and she and Stella had some fun things planned anyway.”
“Did you tell her you’re here?” I take a sip of my smoothie and swallow down my supplement so he can’t read anything into my facial expression. I don’t want him to feel like he has to hide this relationship, but at the same time, it’s too complicated to explain to her.
“No. Raina knows I’m here, but I don’t want Stella to get any ideas, or be upset that I didn’t bring her too.”
“What kind of ideas?” I ask.
“The forever kind.” He pauses and takes a long gulp of the enormous smoothie he’s drinking. “We had a long talk your last night in New York, when I took her to the park for ice cream.”
“Oh yeah?” I hold my breath, hoping he’ll say more.
“Yeah. She . . .” He pauses again. “She had certain ideas about you staying in New York.”
“What kind of ideas?” I ask again, and take a bite of my bagel to distract from the way my heart is racing and my stomach is flipping over.
This feels like the relationship talk I didn’t want to have.
But Stella is an important piece of our relationship, and I have to think of her too.
I’d promised myself I wouldn’t get too close to her so that I didn’t hurt her in the end when I left.
My leaving was inevitable, but I’m still here, holding on.
Like I told Aleksandr last night, I’ve spent years walking away to protect myself. And now, suddenly this isn’t only about me. I have to do what I can to protect Stella from getting hurt too.
“You’re not ready for this conversation,” he says and gets up, turning his back to me.
I watch him select a glass from the open shelving on the kitchen wall and walk over to the refrigerator, where he stands at the door, filling the glass at the water dispenser.
I hold my tongue, waiting for him to say more.
He returns to the table without another word, but his disappointment is written across his face.
“Sasha.” I wait for him to look up at me. “What did she say?”
His eyes bore holes into my face in a way that makes me feel like he’s trying to determine whether I’m worthy of knowing this private piece of info about Stella. By the look on his face, I know what he’s going to say before he says it, but I need to hear it just the same.
“She—” He stops and takes a breath. “She wants you to be her mom.”
My eyes widen, but my vocal cords are paralyzed. Motherhood, my greatest fear and my most secret desire, wrapped into one. I’d set up my “no attachments life” so that a situation like this never happened. And yet something has shifted since Aleksandr walked back into my life with Stella in tow.
My feelings for him are entirely separate from her. I’d love him with or without her. I never really stopped loving him, I suppose, despite how badly he hurt me. That’s the funny thing about love, I guess—it doesn’t always make sense.
But Stella. I’d do just about anything to make sure she doesn’t get hurt again. And is my relationship with Sasha more likely to hurt than help her? What if we try this relationship out, what if we tell her about it, and then things don’t work out between us? She would be absolutely crushed.
I realized I’ve spent too much time in my head when Aleksandr looks out the window to try to hide the disappointment in his eyes.
“Hey,” I say as I reach across the small table and take his hand. He looks up, startled. “I’m just taking this all in. I’m not running away, okay?”
He nods. “I didn’t want to spring this on you.”
“It’s not exactly a surprise.” I give him a small smile. “I love the hell out of that kid, and it’s not like I don’t know she feels the same way. I’m just so afraid that us—our relationship—could hurt her in the end.”
“Only if we let it,” he says.
“There are no guarantees,” I say sadly. I’ve had too many relationships, including one with him, not work out.
“Sure there are.” He shrugs and squeezes my hand. “Petra, we’re legally married. If we choose to honor that, we’re committing ourselves to each other and to Stella. That’s as close to a guarantee as you can get.”
My heartbeat is pounding in my throat, making it hard to swallow. “Sasha, what are you saying?”
“Why not try to make this marriage work?”
The question is asked so casually I’m actually taken aback. “Well, that’s a casual proposal if I’ve ever heard one,” I tease.
“I’m serious,” he says as his thumb strokes the back of my hand.
“And I’m being pragmatic. There is no one else I’ve ever wanted to spend every minute with.
There’s no one else my body has craved the way it craves yours.
We are so good together, Petra. And you and Stella have this special bond too.
I’m so cautious with her, maybe too cautious.
Very few people in my life even know I’m her guardian.
I don’t want to put her in the spotlight.
I want to do everything I can to protect her.
And I know you feel the same way, about her at least.”
Does he not know if I feel the same way about him?
“Sasha, even though I feel the same way about you and even though I adore Stella, right now I am married to my job.”
“So am I. Our relationship may not look like anyone else’s, but with a little give-and-take from both of us, we can make this work.”
I kind of feel like he’s talking about forever, as if it’s a business transaction with some feelings involved. Is that what it is? Maybe the reason I’ve gotten hurt in the past is that I let the feelings lead? Maybe it does make more sense to approach this like balancing a math equation?
What he’s saying right now makes a lot of sense from a logical standpoint. We are good together. We enjoy each other’s company and we have a serious sexual connection. We both adore Stella and want what’s best for her. But is that the foundation of a good marriage?
“I think we need to see where this goes. See if we can make it work. I don’t want to tell Stella about us until we’re one hundred percent sure, and there are still a lot of unknowns.”
He presses his lips between his teeth for a brief moment, then says, “We’ll have more time to talk about this and to see where things stand when you’re back in New York.”