Chapter 16 #3
I glance at Leo. He is still staring at the floor. I suddenly panic that he will recognise my voice. He never saw me – I temporarily blinded him before that could happen – but my voice could cause problems.
Will he remember it?
Perhaps in the blur of last night, he didn’t commit it to memory.
My voice may have sounded muffled. I am not a doctor, but I am sure if you’ve been kicked in the head a few times, your hearing could easily be impaired?
Also, a lot of the women in here do sound a bit like me.
How much can one really recognise someone off voice alone... ?
‘Hello?’
Oh, God.
Janet.
Leader Janet is speaking to me.
I should change it slightly. Deepen it? Quieten it? An accent? I could go for scouse? I have nailed that one after I watched back-to-back interviews of Jodie Comer, what with being enamoured by her performance in Killing Eve.
‘Would you like to introduce yourself?’
Oh, no.
In my panic, I appear to settle for croaky.
‘Hi, everyone, I’m Mandy.’ I check to see if Leo twigs...
but he doesn’t look up. Am I safe? I don’t even think he’s listening.
Janet is looking at me like I need to complete the oath.
Is it an oath? Screw it. ‘And I am an alcoholic.’ After the drink driving last night, I actually don’t think I’m fully lying.
And I didn’t go full addict. I’m not sure I’m there yet.
‘Hi, Mandy,’ everyone says at once. Even Leo seems to mumble it, absently.
I did it. I’m here.
‘Thank you,’ I say unexpectedly. I feel a strange mix of pride and an instant need to remove the attention from myself, so I look to the lady on my left, willing her to speak now. A woman with a fish tattoo on her cheek and a safety pin through her nose. Please help me, fellow alcoholic.
‘Is this your first time at a meeting?’ Janet’s voice asks.
I look back to see she is directing this at me.
‘Hmm?’ Janet needs to calm down. She hasn’t done extra questions with anyone else. ‘Me?’
‘Yes, sweetheart.’
I don’t like that tone.
My heart is banging. I want to stand up and leave.
What am I doing? No. Confidence. Fuck Meek Mal.
I’m nailing this. ‘Oh, no. I’ve been doing this a while,’ I say, extending the final word to make it sound like I’ve really been round the houses – been through it in my time – hoping this will elicit the gentle-laughter response to bolster my credibility.
And it does. People nod. Some chuckle in an I-feel-you kind of way.
I understand that pain. And as they do, I watch them looking at me, and it is...
validating. Encouraging. It feels really...
bloody good. A long, long time,’ I add, for good measure.
‘Possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever done. ’
I don’t want to get cocky, but they are all really loving what I am saying.
The only time this has ever happened to me before was when Shallow Embers was released.
It is surprising. But it feels in some way familiar.
The buzz, coming back to me, like it has been lying dormant within my gut for seven years.
Did Mandy write Shallow Embers?
Is Mandy someone deep inside me? Who is she?
I glance at Leo. He still doesn’t seem to be listening – just picking at his fingers.
‘Well, welcome, Mandy.’
‘Thank you. It’s such a pleasure to be here.’
‘It’s great to have you here. We can’t wait to hear you share.’
‘Yes.’
Wait – what?
Share?
I nod, swallowing hard.
The rest of the room identifies themselves. (One woman weeps and says she’s not ready to use that word yet, and when someone tells her you’ve got to fake it till you make it, I feel even more validated and nod aggressively.) As I watch them, I feel myself settle.
Settle into this role. This character.
Mandy.
Who is Mandy? Who can she be?
Mandy is clever and bright – yes. She is also strong, and wise.
Collected. No, not collected. That doesn’t feel right.
She’s a little scrappy. She has made mistakes but she has learnt from them.
She’s a therapist. A good one. She has a giving heart and been through a lot.
She has extended her empathy to people who have hurt her.
She has lots to offer, and she is interested in the truth of other people.
She wants to learn and broaden her horizons.
She is confident and does not worry about her husband, because she doesn’t have one.
She is childless, successful – possibly she will become best friends with Sally – and owns her own house.
People respect her. They see her potential, and she continues to fulfil it.
She has flaws, importantly, because that gives her a more rounded and intriguing quality.
She is too giving. Yes – that’s it. It gets her in trouble sometimes. That’s her flaw.
And then, finally, Leo speaks.
‘Hi, I’m Leo, I’m an addict. Couldn’t find an NA meeting so I’m here.
It’s all the same shit anyway.’ He sounds very quiet, but also very angry.
Hugs-Not-Drugs Dez catches Leo’s eye and winks, nodding solemnly.
‘And I fucking hate it here,’ Leo adds. I lean forward in my chair. ‘But I need all the help I can get.’