Chapter 33
Leo
He looks mad as fuck.
Is he gonna hit her with that book?
He’s gonna chuck it.
At her?
He is.
He’s gonna—
‘Ow!’ Lands square in the front of my head. ‘Piece of shit.’
‘Who are you?’ he says.
‘Better question – who the fuck chooses a book as a weapon? Posh twat.’ I grab my nose. ‘Prick. Better not’ve fucking broke it.’
He doesn’t seem to give a shit. Just turns to her. ‘What did he mean when he said you’re obsessed with him, Mal?’
I could answer that. But my brain is banging, ears are ringing, thoughts all juddery. Can’t tell if it’s the drugs or the book or what happened earlier. What happened earlier?
Fucking Mo—
‘Mallory?’ He’s got his face in hers now.
Hissing. Trying to be quiet. Bits of spit flying.
The neighbours. Can’t piss off the neighbours.
But she doesn’t answer him. Just stays dead still.
Looks like she’s about to fucking implode.
‘Mallory?’ It’s like she’s stuck. He puts his hands on her arms. Shakes her. ‘Mallory – what is going on?’
Is she gonna cry?
She is.
She’s gonna—
‘Oi!’ I shout. At him. Because the book to the face did something to me.
Made me feel all... awake. Made me all ragey.
I fucking love rage. Blocks everything out.
I get off on it. Makes me wanna fight. I wanna tear someone apart.
Fuck them up bad – break their jaw and rip their skin with my teeth.
Fucking Mo. But he’s not here so it’s gonna be this man. Posh Fucking Ronan. ‘Nobhead.’
He turns right to me, glaring, so I catch a proper look. Curly floppy hair. Tall. Fit. He’s shredded. Stomach muscles like a cheese grater. Might put up a good fight. I’m in the mood. I’m in the fucking mood now. ‘Come on then!’ I shout. ‘Let’s have it!’
‘Ronan – the neighbours...’ Mallory says.
‘I’ll eat your fucking head!’ I scream. Dunno why.
Think cos he’s just staring. Reminds me of that man from American Psycho.
There’s something weird in his eyes. Something I don’t like.
He’s not scared. That’s it. That’s what I don’t like.
And arrogant. Reckon he loves being out here without his clothes on.
Getting a posh-person thrill in his kecks in the street in the middle of the night.
Can tell all his mates about how he saved Crouch End by lobbing a book at me.
Absolute hero. His skin’s all bristled. Oh, would you look at that.
He shaves his nipples. ‘Come on, you piece of twat!’
‘Get off this street – now.’
He’s kinda hot.
‘You pussy!’ I think I’m screaming – can’t really tell.
It’s like my head is in a vacuum cleaner now, the noise just bouncing back at me.
Everything hurts. I don’t wanna think. I wanna fight.
‘Come on!’ Getting my lights blown out will help me not think.
Would be good if he knocked me clean into oblivion. ‘Let’s fucking have it!’
I’d like that.
Think I’m gonna fall over.
‘This is ridiculous,’ he says. He’s all calm. Makes me even more mad. Think he’s Irish. The Irish love to fight, don’t they? Why won’t he fucking fuck me up? Smack me?
‘Smack me!’
I throw a fist for good measure. Doesn’t collide with anything. Stumble a bit. Oh – a bush. Nice. Bouncy bush. Bounces me onto something hard.
‘Ronan, please – let’s just go inside.’
The two of them are all blurry now – can see blotches of black clouds everywhere – think the meth is doing something weird. Might have been a bad batch. Can just make him out, tapping the screen of the phone in his hand.
‘We can’t just leave him here, Mal. I’m calling the police.’
Jesus Christ.
Not the fucking police.
Can’t have that.
‘Wait – stop.’
Am I on the floor?
‘I’m dialling.’
‘All right, nobhead, I’m going,’ I say. ‘Prick.’ I am... I’m on the floor. Looks like I’m gonna be crawling out of here. The book’s here. The one he threw at my head. Cover all swirling gold letters and blue. I pick it up. Heavy. Might throw it back.
‘Oi!’ I scream at him. Wait. No. I could sell this. I turn and point it at her. Mallory. The woman who’s obsessed with me. ‘You said you would help me.’
The man looks at her weird. ‘Mal?’
‘Leave it. Let’s go inside, Ronan.’
Mal and Ronan. How fucking quaint.
‘She promised.’ I try and sound sad – I do – but I think I’m about to throw up.
‘Hang on...’ Ronan jabs his finger through the air at me, still looking at her. ‘Is this your patient? The one Joanie saw you with?’
‘Yes,’ she mumbles.
He looks suddenly fucking appalled. ‘How does he know where you live, Mal?’
‘He followed me.’
Oof. Snitch.
There’s something weird with these two. I can’t see straight but I can see that much. Ronan steps towards me, clenching his fist now, balling it up like the bad man he wishes he was.
‘Careful,’ I say. ‘You come any closer I’ll snap your neck.’
I am aware I am on the floor, yes.
But I could.
Come on rage – let’s have it.
He stops. Leans down. His face in mine. He just stares. For ages. His eyes scanning me up and down. Maybe he fancies me. I am definitely a fantasy for this type of person. I’m not getting gay vibes though, despite the abs. I’ve been wrong about it before, mind you.
‘You all right, mate?’ I say. ‘Want a blowie or something?’
He growls. Sexy. ‘Don’t ever come near this house, or my wife, again. Do you hear me?’
‘She said I should come visit,’ I say. ‘Not my fault.’
He steps away, and I sit up.
I watch him pull at her wrist, moving her into him – like protection. But the way he does it is weird.
Makes me say, ‘You’re a mopey little prick, Ronan.’
He looks at me. Mad as fuck. Get my name out of your filthy chavvy mouth.
She looks at me. Scared as fuck. Don’t, Leo.
Like a little kid.
‘All right – fucking fine.’
I turn and move away, crawling down the street. Fucking still got the book in my hand. Weird.
‘He’s a rabid animal,’ I hear Ronan say behind me.
I look back. ‘Prick.’ But he’s not there.
I hear their door slam shut.
Rabid animal.
Kinda like it.
Kinda hot.
But I’m still gonna knock his lights out.
I crawl back up the road. To just outside their house on the pavement.
I must look fucking brutal. I’ll break the window.
Shove this book down his throat. He’ll love it.
I’m about to go down their little path, but I stop, cos I see them.
They’re in their front room now. I can just make them out through the glass – the glass I wanna smash.
They have those posh wooden blinds that no one closes.
He’s holding that phone and saying things to her.
I can’t hear, but I know she’s crying. Proper crying.
He’s scanning through the phone with his finger. Saying things. Looks like he’s calling her mental. She’s trying to grab it, but he’s pushing her away.
My head. My fucking head.
Then she’s on the floor. I can see the spit flying from his mouth. He looks mad as fuck. He grabs her wrist. In that way he did out here before. Pulls her up off the floor and out of the front room.
Dunno where to.
Dunno if I want to know.
My fucking head.
Oh – shit – I’m gonna vom.
I try walking back down the road.
Make it a few streets.
Need to sit. I need to...
Hospital.
No.
There’s a car.
I sit behind it.
Cos I think I’m gonna pass out.
I feel sick.
I’m gonna be sick.
Oh. Yeah. There it is.
Sick. Sick all over me.
Just wait.
Just wait a bit.
Vom a bit. Wait a bit.
Inhale the air.
Night air.
Oh, that’s nice. Nice for my brain. I gulp it down like it’s vodka.
With it come the memories.
bed sheets the men Eckhart Tolle
Was that tonight? Those men?
How many were there?
I don’t wanna think.
Fucking no – I don’t wanna remember.
No no no.
hands tied
No no no no no.
La la la la la la.
I’ve still got this book. This stupid fucking book.
I flick through it.
It is pages thick. stuff up my nose
READ THE WORDS, LEO.
The words swim.
It’s all poetry.
Shakespeare, this.
I liked one of them. At school.
Think it was called Titus-something.
Andronicus.
Everyone killed everyone. Everyone was very mad.
What’s this one about...
To be happy means to be free
and to be free means to be brave.
This one is shit.
Bullshit. Such bullshit.
my toy
I start ripping the pages out with my teeth.
Rabid animal.
I spit them out on the floor. The floor is wet.
I don’t wanna wake up tomorrow.
I really really do not want to wake up tomorrow.
I need my mates. Tina and G.
I remember! I’ve got money! Ha!
I made a mint tonight.
I’ll call Brick. Fuck it.
I find my pockets.
Wait.
Where is it?
Where’s the money?
Did he pay me? He did. I remember. I had it.
Fuck...!
No.
Have I.?
I’ve dropped it.
No.
NO NO NO NO.
Gotta get to the canal bridge
Get home
Get home
That’s it
How many men were there?
That’s
It
I’m bleeding
I need to look
I need to see
I can’t fucking
It’s all down my legs
Fuck
The witch is coming with her spindly fucking fingers
To tear me apart
Inside out
I can’t look.
I don’t wanna
the clouds are parting
It’s wearing off
The meth
It’s slipping away
I need it back
I need it back
I do not want to wake up
Never want to wake up
Where’s my fucking phone
Where...
Here.
Some fucker will let me have a few bumps
I can pay them back
Scroll through the contacts.
I’m trying to find someone
Under the bridge now
It’s fucking freezing
Where is it?
Brick
Cam
Fat Fred
Mental Matt
Mo
I don’t have many
Sam. There’s Sam.
My first boyfriend.
I was seventeen
Mum.
There it is.
Mum.
Fingers won’t fucking type!
Pls help me mum
Stare at it
Fucking
Fucking pathetic
Delete it.
Tomorrow I don’t wanna wake up.
The water.
The water.
Yes.
I need something to weigh me down.
Stones.
Put them in my pockets.
Can’t find any.
Pretty sure the meth’ll make me heavy.
Get in the water.
Time to go.
Oof it’s cold.
Grim.
Nothing poetic about it.
I guess this is it then.
The end.