Chapter Fifty-Eight
Chapter Fifty-eight
On the day of Iris’s egg retrieval, she skipped breakfast and arrived at Family Tree Fertility at eight-thirty in the morning, as instructed.
Nurse Dani greeted her with a hug. “Today is the day! How have the last few days been for you?”
Iris widened her eyes. It was an impossible question to answer, for reasons the nurse couldn’t possibly imagine. “Intense.”
“Yup, the hormones can really make you nuts at the end. They’re an emotional roller coaster, I hear that from everyone. But after this, you’ll even out.”
Iris wondered how much the hormones had influenced all that had happened over the last two weeks.
She changed into a gown, socks, and surgical cap and lay down on a bed.
Dani wheeled her to the operating room, which was small and incongruously homey with floral wallpaper.
Not that Iris felt at ease. She tried not to stare at the instruments on the side table, like the giant cervix-piercing needle.
Dr. Alsarraj entered and greeted her warmly.
He introduced her to Dr. Parikh, the anesthesiologist, and Dr. Goldberg, the embryologist who would be evaluating and preserving the eggs after retrieval.
Dr.Alsarraj explained, “This is called twilight anesthesia, you won’t be fully under, but you’re going to feel like you’re falling asleep.
You won’t feel any pain or anything at all during the procedure.
And in forty-five minutes we’ll be all done, and another forty-five after that, you can go home. Do you have someone to pick you up?”
Iris nodded. “A friend.”
“Great. As I said, you should feel fine but too groggy to get home by yourself.” Dr. Alsarraj stepped aside so the anesthesiologist could take his place beside Iris.
Dr. Parikh put the plastic mask over Iris’s nose and mouth. “I always tell my patients to think of something nice.”
Iris closed her eyes and reflected on the better moments of the last few days. She thought about Olivia in her arms and prayed that what she was doing now would one day let her hold a baby of her own.
She thought about family. What makes a good one, a safe one, a happy one. She thought about her friends, and the family they had become for her.
She thought about the Pattersons, and how they got their sweetheart deal on the apartment in under the wire. Roman, acting as their real estate agent, had those papers signed and notarized in the nick of time.
Roman. No longer a sore spot for her thoughts to land.
After visiting Hannah at the hospital, Iris had texted Roman asking him to coffee, and happily, he’d agreed.
It was the first time they’d seen each other since the night they’d had their terrible fight, and the tension had taken such a toll on them both that nearly all was forgiven as soon as they shared their first hug.
But they had important things to say to each other.
Iris was able to apologize for being judgmental and dismissive of Roman and James’s family plans.
And Roman apologized for not duly considering the emotional weight of his request and treating her fertility struggles like “buy one, get one free.” They both expressed how much the thought of losing their friendship pained them and promised to talk to each other and listen in the future.
Then Roman really surprised her. He slid a small velvet box to the middle of the table. “Not for you, ” Roman said with a smile. “But you have no idea how hard it was to choose this without your advice. Open it, I need your blessing before I give it to James.”
The box contained a rhodium band with black diamond pavé. The ring glittered in the light. “Oh, Rome, he’s gonna love it.”
“You think?”
“I know.” Iris wanted to have a do-over of the last time they discussed a major life change. “I won’t doubt, and I won’t assume, I’ll just ask—what made you change your mind?”
“This summer, as difficult and stressful as it was, was a game changer for us. Because it burst the bubble that things were always gonna be pretty and easy, but we got through it together. It took James a while to trust I wasn’t going to leave, which I wasn’t helping by being so anti-marriage, but now he knows I’m not going anywhere, with or without a legal union.
And once he backed off a bit, it gave me the space to rethink my stance. ”
“Growth—we love to see it!”
“I know, right? I saw how he jumped in to help his sister and his niece and nephew. He was so patient and devoted, he did everything to help them to make the best of a bad situation. And I realized making a family with him wouldn’t trap me, it would make me the luckiest guy in New York.”
“Aw, I’m so happy for you, that’s so—”
“Wait, you’re gonna like this part.” Roman held up a hand.
“I hate to admit it, but some of what you said that night resonated. I mean, why was I able to envision having a kid but couldn’t let go of ‘I’m never getting married’?
I still don’t believe it was the perfume, but it was my own childhood shit, that when I think of marriage, I flash to hearing my parents fighting and being desperate to fix it, but I never could. ”
“And it was never your fault. But if you’re always running from your past, then it’s still controlling you. You are not your most frightened version of yourself.” Iris still needed to hear it as she said it.
“Exactly. I’m nothing like my parents, and James is from another planet.”
Iris laughed.
“So I was mad at you for three days, and then I went and bought the ring.” Roman sucked down the last of his iced coffee. “So I guess, thank you?”
“You don’t have to thank me.” Iris gave his hand a squeeze. “But you do have to let me pick my own bridesmaid dress.”
“Oh God, we’re not having anyone at the altar with us. Wear what you want and sit the fuck down.”
“Cheers to that!”
—
When Iris woke up from the procedure, her head felt stuffed with cotton. The room she was in was dark, with soft light coming in around a curtain wall in front of her. She was covered with an extra blanket but still felt cold, and her mouth was dry.
Dani appeared from behind the curtain. “Glad to see you’re awake. Would you like a cup of water?”
Iris nodded. Dani already had it in her hand. She helped Iris to sit up and take a sip. Slowly her brain fog began to lift. “Was it good?”
“Everything went great. Dr. Goldberg is going to evaluate the eggs retrieved today for their quality, so we try not to jump the gun until she calls you with her findings tomorrow morning. But I can tell you Dr. Alsarraj was pleased.”
So, hopeful, but uncertain, Iris thought, like everything. At least she could say she’d done all she could. Lately that seemed like the best that Iris, or maybe anyone, could achieve.
“Why don’t you rest in here a little longer, and I’ll check back in twenty minutes or so. Is your ride here?” Dani handed Iris her phone to check.
Iris blinked at her messages. “Yeah. He’s outside.”
—
Iris said goodbye to the building’s uniformed doorman and walked gingerly onto the sidewalk, squinting in the sunlight as she looked out to the street. The dented hot shop van was double-parked.
Gabe jumped out of the driver’s seat in a white tank and jeans and jogged over to take her arm.
Iris flinched playfully. “Don’t—with that van, they’ll think you’re kidnapping me.”
Gabe laughed. “Just let me help you, will ya?” He gently took her elbow so she wouldn’t trip on the curb, then opened the passenger door for her and helped her up into the van.
“Thanks. You know if Roman wasn’t literally proposing to James on Fire Island today, I wouldn’t have taken you up on this.”
“If I hadn’t had to deliver a piece uptown this morning, I wouldn’t have offered.”
Iris carefully buckled her seatbelt over her tender abdomen. The metal buckle was hot to the touch. “I forgot this van doesn’t have air-conditioning.”
Gabe hopped back into the driver’s seat. “Yeah, but it does have an insulated container.” He stretched between the seats and reached into the back, opening a boxy trunk and pulling out a plastic bodega bag. He handed it to Iris.
Whatever was inside was cold. Iris reached in and pulled out a frozen tub of Lucerne Rainbow Sherbet and a plastic spoon.
Gabe looked at her hopefully. “Is that the right kind? Like Aunt Sissy’s?”
Iris could only manage a nod for the lump in her throat.
She opened the top and saw the familiar swirls of raspberry pink, tangerine orange, and whatever green.
She spooned a bite into her mouth. It tasted exactly like she remembered, and suddenly she was eight years old again, eating sherbet at the kitchen table at Aunt Sissy’s house, her father sneaking a spoonful between innings in the Phillies game, her mother sitting beside her with her own bowl, having been the original recipient of Aunt Sissy’s frozen treats.
One sense memory encompassing love, safety, loss, and love again. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”
Gabe smiled and started the engine. He turned down Fifth Avenue with Central Park to their right.
It was a glorious morning, and the park was vibrantly alive.
Iris looked out the open window and inhaled the accord of linden blossoms, freshly cut grass, carriage horse manure, and car exhaust. Her belly was tender and she was still headachy, but she was done with the injections and the hormones.
She didn’t have a job, but she’d get another one.
She wasn’t married, but she had time to find someone, or not, the choice was hers.
She definitely needed therapy, but she’d gotten a referral from Dr. Alsarraj.
Iris didn’t have the perfume, but she had something more powerful: self-knowledge.
She knew she had the strength and the courage to face the ugliest parts of her lived experience.
That trauma was a part of her, but not the defining note.
She would not disconnect from the body or the world that had once hurt her.
She couldn’t heal without connection, first to herself and her body—that was her first home.
She would trust herself first, and then others.
Her gut instinct, her heart’s desires, her mind’s memories and fantasies, fully integrated and embodied.
Getting there would be an ongoing process, forever, for everyone.
“So, am I allowed to ask, how’d it go?” Gabe glanced at her at the red light. “What happens now?”
“I don’t know yet.” Iris kept her eyes on the road ahead. “We’ll have to wait and see.”
The light turned green.