Trapp #4
He hadn’t realized she’d brought up the job opening as anything other than a segue into her complaining about her sixth graders, that she’d been considering it all along .
. . back in her hometown. Human town, human school.
Back where she belongs. Trapp flinched as the thought moved through his mind in his father’s voice.
“Wait,” he choked out in the present, shaking away the memory of that night. “The job at your niece’s school. Did — have you already signed the contract?”
He knew enough about teachers unions and the regulations on job postings and searches; knew enough to infer what her acceptance of the job implied.
They had talked about this job months earlier.
And she applied for it then. Without telling you.
Applied and likely went through several rounds of interviews.
She might have even gone back to interview in person.
His firehouse schedule was forty-eight hours on, ninety-six hours off, and the first day of the off rotation was spent dead to the world, asleep.
She could have easily popped out of town without his notice over the course of those three-day cycles.
She nodded, keeping her eyes fixed on the countertop before her. “I signed it last month. I just didn’t know how to bring it up.”
He bristled. A month ago. She knew a month ago that they were running down the clock, and had evidently been planning it for half the year by then. “Without even discussing it with me?! What about us, Jules?”
“What us, Trapp?”
He flinched again, not prepared for the bluntness of her voice. The windows stood open against the warm spring air, he realized, and the distant sounds of the town square floated through the screens in fragments of music and distant laughter. He hadn’t contained this well enough.
“What us am I supposed to be clinging to? The pretend-perfect couple everyone sees? Do you think it’s easy for me, deflecting every single time someone from the post office or the grocery store asks when you’re going to ‘pop the question and make an honest human’ of me?
This is . . . it’s for the best. The school will be better off finding someone better equipped to deal with that age group.
And I . . . I need to go back to a classroom where I’m not fighting against the tide every day.
And I’m not starting from square one there; I already know the neighborhood and some of the administrators.
After the holidays came and went . . . I needed something to change. ”
Trapp stiffened. He knew what the holidays came and went meant, hearing nearly the same thing from his own mother. I can’t believe the holidays came and went and you didn’t get engaged! What are you waiting for?
He hadn’t known what to say then; still didn’t know what to say now.
He didn’t know what they were waiting for, only that something wasn’t in place.
He and Julia had discussed marriage early on in their relationship, both agreeing that they wanted to be on the same page with things .
. . now it seemed they were holding two completely different books.
“So, this is because I haven’t proposed?
” he demanded. “Or because you want to go back to teaching human kids? Because it sounds to me like it’s definitely one of those things, but you’re conveniently blaming the other.
If you wanted to get married, why didn’t we ever discuss it again like adults?
” He didn’t like his tone, liked the petulance of his words even less, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides, but Julia only shook her head.
“I did, in the beginning. And I told myself I had to be patient because you told me you’d gotten married too fast once before.
So, I waited. And then I realized what that would look like.
You’re happy here. I don’t know if I am.
And I didn’t want it anymore. And if we’re not moving forward, then what are we doing? What’s the point?”
The point is, we were a team. The point is, we were supposed to decide these things together.
“I can’t deal with figuring out these kids and your commitment issues. I’m tired.”
“I don’t have commitment issues!” His voice was louder than he’d intended, dragging a hand down his face, breathing hard. “I’ve been committed to you from day one, Jules.”
“I know you have,” she answered quickly.
“Because we fit so well. We made sense. I fit perfectly into the attractive, inoffensive girlfriend-shaped hole at your side. But that’s what you’ve been committed to.
The optics of who we play at being. And I want something more than that. I deserve something more than that.”
“I thought we were happy!”
She smiled then, that same miserable smile she’d given him as she left the tent.
“You’re happy, Trapp. You genuinely love this life.
I don’t. I thought I would get used to being the only human at the table, but I haven’t.
Don’t even pretend your father won’t be thrilled.
You love this place, and you love your place in it.
I’m just not cut out for the role. It took me too long to realize that.
” She raised her hands, halting whatever words he’d been about to say.
“I want to go home. I miss my family. I want to see my niece and nephew grow up. I want to be there for my mom. I want a life that feels like mine. Not a role I’ve been cast in.
I love you, and I know you love me, but it’s not enough.
I’m sorry, Trapp. But you love me in your life.
And it’s not one I had a hand in building. ”
***